Turn the Page

A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.


If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. 🙂

Revenge of Eve

P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person 🙂

Take Five

Taking Care of Me!

I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.


Revenge of Eve

I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….

Revenge of Eve

I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…

It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.


Revenge of Eve

3.9.19

Candace Lynne

It isn’t necessary for you to always be doing, nor is it healthy. If you do, at some point, nothing becomes.

You are trying to force something into existence that isn’t ready…and neither are you.

What is necessary is the rest

What goes up must come down and your insistent resistance proves you need a break more than anything. Take the damn break. Step away from your phone, laptop, and all forms of technology to reboot.

Nourish your mind, body, and soul before it is too late. Crisis isn’t a necessary state, remember.

Just be.

Be you separate from the outside factors. Start today. Whatever you think needs to be done can wait. Change your thought process and evaluate where you stand. What is being accomplished from this feverishly, constant state of go? You will find. ..nothing.

Even God takes a break – famous words of advice from Beckie


A list of ideas:

Read a book

Give yourself a manicure/pedicure

Take a nap

Watch a movie

Play in the rain

Hang out with a friend

Just be

Binge watch Netflix

Listen to podcast


Use this time of rest to connect with yourself

You are a work in progress and that process cannot be rushed.

I love you, Candace Lynne

2.28.19

Momma’s baby,

As the last day of the month long celebration of your existence draws to a close, I can’t help but to feel a sense of relief. Not because I no longer want to celebrate you yet I fumbled with finding the words to aptly describe you. Words do no justice to the impact you have had on my life. You are more than words. You are love. Or what I know to be as love.

My interpretation of love was skewed until you graced my life. It still is a bit distorted but what your love has taught me is that love is not painful. The most valuable of lessons has been the love I deserve from myself. This isn’t something you have told me rather shown me. Your mere existence represents a love that is unconditional and honest. Your display of loving yourself has taught me that it is not selfish but necessary

I surprisingly found myself grappling with words for the month. I found that none measured up or lived up to your honor. I do not put you on a pedal stool to elevate you but to thank you. Thank you for being exactly who you are because who you are has been perfect for who I shall become


Revenge of Eve

Love, Your Mother ❤

In Search Of

In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

Realizations

I had an epiphany the other day when I published Southern Belle from Hell. I even said it in the letter.

If two strangers have the same negative experience with you, you need to check yourself…..

And then I went on to say that I encounter these type of women on a daily basis, in which I do but…

I do not take back nor apologize for what I said in the letter…but what I will do is acknowledge my part.

What the hell am I doing?

Is it the fact that I am manic? (I need to admit that to myself because it is what it is…right?) Today I am too much for people and I can see how. I have been medication free for almost three months so that sounds about right.

Back on my meds again, soon? As much as I hate it, it’s a possibility.

In search of-Revenge of Eve

Hold up…do I hate it? If I did I would be curving to the temptations of astigmatism. I do not hate it. I am embracing It.

Sitting with it.

Allowing it to be just as it is.

This is my first ever omission to mania. I usually try to hoard it and keep it bottled in. In all honesty, it was this post on The Bipolar Writer, written by C.M. North, that cued me to tune in.

This is my first time to recognize, better yet, acknowledge the symptoms of my mania.

Everything is overwhelming. My senses are heightened and I feel…discombobulated.

Out of it.

Someone needs me.

I am forgetting something.

My mind races 1,000 mph.

I take things personally.

I am not in my lane.

I am in search of…..

This is when I unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. I am brutally honest, often unapologetically. My truth is being exposed so….fuck it, I’ll expose yours.

Paranoia sets in.

The whispers start. And it isn’t my imagination because they are talking about me. They talk about how I am mean, bossy, and a bitch yet they claim to not judge others or even better, they understand.

I don’t even understand.

I question if I should ride this wave a bit longer. But I know I shouldn’t because it affects everyone. Not just me.

I go to extremes and the fall…

.

the fall is brutal, puncturing any progress I’ve made along the way. As I rapidly type this, no really you should see my thumbs tapping away, I am putting together the puzzle of my life. My eyes are opening but the question that remains is,

Am I ready to not be this way? It’s all I know but all I am discovering. And all I wish to go away.

You may say, ” you act like you have a choice”.

I think I do and it is others who my mania effects negatively and maybe I am tired of dumbing myself down for them. No one cares that I am sensitive. Nope, all they remember are my words. Their truth.

Subsequently

Having a mental illness is a challenge. Having cooccurring disorders is torcher. The gravitational pull into the abyss is daunting. It glitters, inviting me into its embrace. The familiarity is the bait. The contentment, isolating. Before you know it, a hospital gown with no underwire bra. No drawstring pants. The exciting time of your day is med time.

We are caged.


In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

After some research and sleep, I woke refreshed. There has been a huge shift with the moon. This explains everything. If you have followed R.O.E. for any length of time, you have heard me speak of the moon and the effects it has on me. This type of shift hasn’t happened in 9 years!!.

When I often discuss the way I feel with energy it is referred to as being an empath. I have never really liked calling myself that because it seems to be a trend of sorts. I do my best to stray away from the trends of our society.

Yesterday it was too much too handle. I wasn’t. Feeling what everyone else feels can be a gift but it can also be paralyzing.

I do wonder if I should stop labeling myself as bipolar. What we think, we become and this has always been my belief. Ironically I’ve not ever put it to good use.

I don’t say that because I am in denial. It is the stigmatism attached that is negative and that in itself weighs on me. I understand that not everyone feels to the extremes in which I do but what about that makes me ill? Or disordered?

I am tackling these types of things on a daily basis as I grow in my understanding of who I am. It is a struggle to feel everything but I am realizing that I would rather this than to be medicated. It’s sad that being thrown into a hospital is the solution for those of us who have yet to set interpersonal boundaries for ourselves.

Imagine if you will… You walk into a room and you are technically “happy”. Suddenly you are hit with a sense of anger and confusion. And from there you navigate around the area and begin feeling feelings of sadness and before you know, you’ve jumped back to happy all within a 30-minute time frame. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot. This is what I experience if I do not put up barriers.

I had gotten really good at putting up walls to not allow everything to impact me. Slowly I’ve let them down not remembering why I had initially built them. Now….. I raise them which is much easier said than done.

Although I may not understand what is going on, I am fully aware that my life is shifting. As I reread this it jumps all over the place but there is legit sense to it. I just hope I come out on the better end of things. Kinder to myself and more open to others. Right now the fog that lifts is one of pain. I don’t want to be calloused. I want to love. Starting with myself.

Love you peeps!!

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Revenge of Eve

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