Turn the Page

A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.


If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. 🙂

Revenge of Eve

P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person 🙂

Take Five

Taking Care of Me!

I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.


Revenge of Eve

I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….

Revenge of Eve

I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…

It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.


Revenge of Eve

3.9.19

Candace Lynne

It isn’t necessary for you to always be doing, nor is it healthy. If you do, at some point, nothing becomes.

You are trying to force something into existence that isn’t ready…and neither are you.

What is necessary is the rest

What goes up must come down and your insistent resistance proves you need a break more than anything. Take the damn break. Step away from your phone, laptop, and all forms of technology to reboot.

Nourish your mind, body, and soul before it is too late. Crisis isn’t a necessary state, remember.

Just be.

Be you separate from the outside factors. Start today. Whatever you think needs to be done can wait. Change your thought process and evaluate where you stand. What is being accomplished from this feverishly, constant state of go? You will find. ..nothing.

Even God takes a break – famous words of advice from Beckie


A list of ideas:

Read a book

Give yourself a manicure/pedicure

Take a nap

Watch a movie

Play in the rain

Hang out with a friend

Just be

Binge watch Netflix

Listen to podcast


Use this time of rest to connect with yourself

You are a work in progress and that process cannot be rushed.

I love you, Candace Lynne

2.28.19

Momma’s baby,

As the last day of the month long celebration of your existence draws to a close, I can’t help but to feel a sense of relief. Not because I no longer want to celebrate you yet I fumbled with finding the words to aptly describe you. Words do no justice to the impact you have had on my life. You are more than words. You are love. Or what I know to be as love.

My interpretation of love was skewed until you graced my life. It still is a bit distorted but what your love has taught me is that love is not painful. The most valuable of lessons has been the love I deserve from myself. This isn’t something you have told me rather shown me. Your mere existence represents a love that is unconditional and honest. Your display of loving yourself has taught me that it is not selfish but necessary

I surprisingly found myself grappling with words for the month. I found that none measured up or lived up to your honor. I do not put you on a pedal stool to elevate you but to thank you. Thank you for being exactly who you are because who you are has been perfect for who I shall become


Revenge of Eve

Love, Your Mother ❤

S.Y.K.

2019: Challenge Reeemixxx


Sorry I am posting this so late on this Monday but I woke with a terrible headache which made it difficult to look at a screen. 🙁


So You Know

Hey you fun, question-answering love bugs (don’t ask me..)

You’ve made it back!! I appreciate the participation and I hope your answers give your readers a little more insight into who you are from a non-blogging perspective. Last week we had a pretty good set of questions but not as deep as the first week. This week consists of only one question with two parts.

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion 😉 (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

Revenge of Eve

Think about this, if you will:

Who are you? And who are you not?

That’s it! I ask that you dig deep. Write a post detailing the things about yourself you would like to be said at your eulogy. Everyone wants to be remembered in a certain way. Are you living a life that you are proud of? And the second part would be the things that you know, wholeheartedly, that you are not.


My Answers to Last Weeks Questions

  1. Do you struggle with your mental health (ie. diagnosed)? Yes. I am diagnosed with occurring illnesses. I am in recovery from alcohol, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and OCD. My symptom is minimal, currently speaking. I went undiagnosed for over 20 years and suffered a great deal from my own decisions. I was diagnosed formally as bipolar in January of 2017 and began medication in September of 2017. You can read the full story here.
  2. What is the most aggravating misconception as it relates to your diagnosis? For me and all of my diagnosis, it would have to be that we look a certain way. I am told more often than not that I do not look like an alcoholic or someone who is bipolar. This confuses me but it does make sense because the media outlets and Hollywood have us portrayed as overdramatic, frantic characters who attack others while pulling our own teeth out (not exactly but pretty close).
  3. Is there a history of mental illness in your immediate family? I consider mother, father, siblings and grandparents immediate family and yes, my maternal grandmother and grandfather were alcoholics and I think my Ma could very well be bipolar and ocd. She hasn’t been formally diagnosed but boy does she has some mood swings! Maybe not bipolar but definitely ocd, in my non-professional opinion.
  4. If you could change the stigma surrounding your diagnosis, how would you go about so? I think the first step would be to stop allowing our media outlets to portray any disorder through visual or verbal description. Next would be on a legislative level and lastly on an educational level. If I knew how to implement it I would have already began so this is where my idea has began and ended.
  5. Do you believe that maintaining our mental wellness will ever rank in importance with maintaining our physical health? Why or why not? In the future, after I am gone, I believe so. The world is rapidly changing and the importance our our mental health has seen a significant increase already. I believe our future generations will implement change where it is necessary. I not only have hope, I have faith in our children to construct our society.

Use today to mentally structure your week. Be present and kind to yourself.

Revenge of Eve

2.19.19

Reminders:

It is ok to share your opinion, respectively.

How others process it isn’t a reflection of you.

We each have our own perception that stems from our life experiences.

Be your bold, risk-taking self, be kind to others and most importantly to yourself.

Respect boundaries.

Your own and others.

No assumptions.

No expectations.

Be still.

Reflect often.

Love always.

Revenge of Eve