Communication. A Learning Curve in Personal Growth

Raw Emotion

When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.

As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.

I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.

Rejection & Reason

We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accussitory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.

I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.

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Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive agressive side of who I am.

Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apoligized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.

I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.


A New Dawn

Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.

Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.


The Rainbow after the Storm

I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.

Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation

If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂

P.S.

As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning. If you are here to judge me, GET A LIFE!

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A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
A Love Affair with Rejection-Revenge of Eve
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Just Like That

Lighter than a Feather

Sometimes it’s as simple as getting something off your chest that opens up space for better things to enter. I feel that today. Yesterday I was able to push past fear and the result was immediate. Like letting go of a balloon, I let go of the pain I have begrudgingly carried for 17 fuck’n years.

I realize I do not have to carry that kinda weight. Sometimes we just have to accept certain situations for what they are meant to be.

Life takes care of the rest.

It’s moments like this where the universe is nudging me in the right direction that I used to ignore. I knew 2019 was going to bring change. I wasn’t expecting it to be only 4 days in. Normally I want an answer but today it’s ok to not know and its ok it took me so long.

The relationships (2) that I have let go of have reached their expiration date. I am taking the lessons I learned from the two of them and moving into the next chapter of my life. No doubt in my mind they will forever hold a piece of my heart but I no longer allow them to negatively affect me. What was once thought of as lifetime friendships, has come to an end…


Processing


I feel a true joy that doesn’t come naturally to me and dare I say I think this is what proud feels like. I also decided there is no reason to waste my time with someone I know is no good for me. Blocking that number added to my sense of liberation. No need to be tempted. With him, I was able to see an unhealthy pattern that I have repeatedly ignored about myself until now.

Learning about myself doesn’t have to be difficult. If I take it all at face value it is simplistic. Stepping out of my own way may become a trend in my life. “It is what it is”, a common phrase that is used, sums it up. Things are the way they are without explanation or reason.

When I sat back in silence and allowed myself to fully feel what has happened I literally sighed relief. I evaluated the possible answers for why I would hold onto something that brought me pain and the only answer I came up with was the fear of losing our friendship. Although we have been estranged going on three years, I have only recently mourned the loss of our close relationship and this finalized it. Maybe that is what brought such relief. The ends were finally tied and burned.

Just Like That-Revenge of Eve

I try not to discuss in depth the circumstances surrounding my child. One because of shame; I am an alcoholic mother and the stigma attached to that is enough to make someone take their life, and two not to give a one-sided perspective. The friendship I have discussed today is the one I had with her father and the pain of him cheating on me, while I was pregnant, is what I have carried. My father disowned me because my child is biracial and in the moments of hearing him say, ” I am mentally prepared to spend the rest of my life in prison for the death of you and your unborn child”, I felt secure because of Kid’s father….until I was told he was cheating on me. My world was shattered, to say the least.

Many years have lapsed and life has treated us kind as parents. He is a great dad and that’s all I need from him. Despite his opinion today, he and I raised an amazing young lady to the best of our ability. We were young, selfish, and wild but our child never went without. She was taught respect, morals, self-love, compassion, and most importantly she knows she is loved.

Funny thing is I feared him finding out about my blog and little did I know he is a fan… he didn’t use those exact words but he did say he has read all of my posts and if I’d say so myself, that’s a fan (he told me I need to get a life, ppsst) 😉 Hi Anthony, Hello Sam.


Life is opening up for me and I for it. I want to step out from behind the curtains and not be ashamed for who I am. I am becoming and that is a beautiful thing. I owe it all to my beautiful, talented, rotten, sassy, smart mouth daughter. She has taught me what unconditional love is. Seeing her love herself is the most inspirational display of courage I have ever seen. She isn’t afraid to talk about her feelings, she doesn’t sweep them aside. She stands up for herself if someone has crossed her boundaries and she forgives wholly. In my eyes, she is the epitome of perfection in its rarest form here on earth. She is balanced and rounded at the same time. Not only does she know her limits, but she also respects them. I speak highly of her not because she is my child but because she is my most influential teacher. All too often when others meet her they want to give all the credit to me and her father but I won’t accept that. She is an observer and with her little eyes has formed her own opinion and character and I couldn’t be more proud. I only hope to become half the woman she will be.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve