It is so easy to fall within the frame of mind that lends itself to negativity without realizing how it contributes to the negative vibes that sometimes consume our world but today, I refuse to do so. Today I will not feel like my happiness is set up rather enjoy it and accept it.
Too often I find that I am guilty of wallering in moments that have passed but because of me, they remain. I’m going to let go of any of that and appreciate the beauty in the small gifts I am gifted, today.
The weather is absolutely gorgeous in Louisiana today!!
My sweet J-Baby cooperated so nicely while I groomed him.
My daughter will have this day as a canvass to build upon and remember as she has her varsity soccer try-outs today.
I am off work.
I have my freedom.
I have a support system that is the foundation for building my self-confidence.
I have learned that this moment is all I have and knowing such has altered the way I see life in general.
I am learning to let go of what I cannot control and it is the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced.
I have mobility in that I can walk, use my arms and hands, and my thumbs which typed this gratitude post 😉
I have a healthy, thriving, intelligent child.
I belong to an amazing community of like-minded bloggers who encourage me from all over the world.
Today, I believe in myself.
Acknowledging my faults and learning from my mistakes is a strength I often dismiss but not today.
I could go on but I will stop with those because I’ve got some vitamin D to soak up!!!☀
What are some things that you are grateful for today?? Let me know in the comments.
I hope all who read this realize the impact you have had on my life. Words do no justice for when trying to express that because of many of you I have the will to live and not just exist. Y’all have singlehandedly changed the way I view myself, my potential and my purpose which has completely changed my perspective about this thing we call life. That’s huge for someone who wanted to die 10 days ago and from the bottom of my heart
But we aren’t taught how to cope when our daughter becomes a ho
Or our son an abusive asshole
Or a drug addict,
But, HEY! At least you get ONE day!
So to all the mothers out there…
Don’t think you are alone in a world of perfect moms because none of us have it figured out. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if anyone wants to judge you for that, fuck them, wink back.
Today I have woke in a significantly better space. My sleep was a bit restless as I tossed and turned. An idea came to mind about creating a canvass and that idea kept me thinking about my own experience. Not an experience that I wanted to keep me awake, I will say that. One of being molested at the age of fourteen. I was a willing participant in the act but I can’t help but to think of how sick the 32 year old man was/is. Although I was willing how can a man for one minute believe that a fourteen year old knows what she is doing when it comes to sex and the activities that it involves. It is disturbing to say the least. Disturbing that I thought it was cool that a man of his age would want anything to do with a young teen and more disgusting that he did.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever disclosed this information but the weight of it felt extremely heavy last night and so, I decided if I hadn’t wrote about it, I would. The man is my step-uncles twin brother. Gross, right? I will not allow this to consume my thoughts today but I will tell y’all the idea I had. In the world of creative journaling, tabs are a big deal. Tabs? You ask. The tabs that stick out to make it easier to find a specific section, rather the tabs I reference are for decoration purposes.
These tabs can be made of sturdy cardstock, cardboard, fabric, anything you can staple to the side of the paper to make it easier to access a specific page. Well, for one reason or another, I thought it would a neat idea to have those who have been molested, willing or not, make a tab that represents the act they wish to forget. The tabs would be mailed to me and I will staple them to a thin canvass, creating a piece of art that collectively has been created from victims across the globe. Once the canvass is full, it could be auctioned off with 100% of the proceeds to victims of molestation. Let me know what you think of this idea. I will provide photos of what I mean when I say a tab, below.
This isn’t to distract from me as much as it is to get out of pity. Let me know what you think of the idea. If it so happens you experienced such acts more than once, make tabs for each occasion. The tabs do not have to be pretty. They can be torn, wrinkled, ink-stained, whatever your idea is, I support. If there is an interest, we can do this together. I’m sure I could scan an outline of a tab for those who would prefer there to be a guide. If you wanted to write your abusers initials on the tab, do so. My hope is that this will help with letting the act(s) go.
**Post update: I will purchase a post office box soon and will publish a post with the address for those interested. This can be an anonymous participation. I will not attach any personal information to the piece of canvass related to the tabs.
That is the most honest statement I’ve written. I am not well. It is taking everything in me at the moment to type these words. What happened? Nothing specifically but enough to leave me in my bed going on a week now. This post won’t be full of frill or begging for sympathy. I am just curious if it is possible to write myself well.
What does that mean? I’m not sure but I do know I love my blog and this community. I apologize for not responding to any of the comments and I will get to that soon. Currently, my hands shake as I type and I want to close my laptop. I may. I may not. I don’t know what to say. I am learning that just because I do not want to be bipolar, does not make me not bipolar.
I’ve had a manic episode for approximately nine months now. That’s a long time to be up and my plan is to not be down that long. But here’s the catch. I don’t have a plan. Oh but wait! I am working on one. I see a new counselor on Monday. I am here, writing and I plan to touch base at least once a day. What I write is all dependant on how I feel. I will try to be social but at this point, no promises. I consume myself with others as a distraction from working on myself. I’ve said this for years but the reality of it has slapped me in the face. It hurts. I am hurting.
What does writing myself well mean? I don’t know but I am at the point I will try anything. Over the past two years, I have slowly come to understand that I am worthy of life. Even typing that confuses me because I have learned it but find it hard to believe 100%. Who determines…I have a million questions that will never be answered. I’m not hoing to waste anymore time on those. I want to be better.
I’ll admit there have been times when being sick was easier than putting in the work it takes to get well but that is not the case this go ’round. This time is different. What’s even harder for me to understand is the number of people who believe that being this way is a choice. Why on Earth would anyone choose to live this way? How is this my fault? How do I stop it? I’d rather not exist but instead, I have this and a life that I have been given. For what I have yet to discover. But I, like you, have a purpose.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to tell your child that life gets better?
Of course, and mean it.
I can’t even imagine the sight of a world where that would be true.
My faith in humanity is put to the test on a daily basis,
mere moments after being restored.
Without such tug-a-war,
Our lives are sure to bore.
If only evolution lessened the pain.
How can we change a society who sees nothing more to gain?
Our lives structured in time frame.
If I teach my child kindness,
Won’t you do the same?
I would be lying if I claimed to be happy, today. It truly sucks that this existence of mine is shared with others who lie, cheat, steal, judge, envy, plot, and watch with bated breath for another to fall. When the fuck will we rise to help all?
This world breaks my heart and I often don’t want any part. The moment I trust or rely on another, I am shown the ugliness that is man. Not sure how much more I can stand.
We are not supposed to expect, but can’t we begin with mutual respect?
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So You Know is a series that gives the reader insight to the opinions of their favorite bloggers. Participation is easy. Keep reading and don’t forget that S.Y.K is rolled out most Monday’s.
I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:
There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)
A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
Pingback to any SYK post
Don’t know how to create a pingback? Hit me up and I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy and everyone needs a little help here and there
Ready? On your mark…get set…. GO!!
Do you take responsibilty for other peoples problems and/or emotions, unknowingly? If so, move on to question 2, if not…head on to #3.
When did you noticed this behavior was burdening you and stunting your growth? Was it a particular incident or did someone verbally tell you that it isn’t your responsibility?
Were you raised by giving parents or by parents who gave only to throw it in your face later?
Lastly, what are your opinions concerning parents being held responsible for their children’s action? As in – what age is the child when they are held responsible for their own actions? Is this opinion reflective of how your parents raised you or opposite?
Ok I squeezed multiple question under one number, two times (lol), but that’s ok
The questions here on S.Y.K. have had a parenting theme more recently and as I am just noticing this, I can relate it to what I am seeing lately. These questions are also for non-parents – assuming they have opinions about the matters of parenting. Because I mean, damn, they sure have an opinion when a child is screaming and throwing a fit in Wal-Mart!! And the expression on their faces say even more!!
My answers to last weeks questions
What is your biggest fear?Besides suffocating, which is my biggest, would have to be that I “check out” because life becomes too hard to handle.
When did you recognize it as the biggest? After an episode of psychosis.
What happened that caused you to recognize it? I lost control of my mind. More specifically, I wasn’t taught how powerful our brains are and that it can do things without consulting the host.
Has it ever happened to you or anyone you love? not that I am aware of.
Have you tried to overcome? If so, how and what was the result? I do not remember fighting it but I will say it was scary and out of sorts. I saw myself looking down from above. I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and while I was literally doing so, it didn’t make sense to see myself from that perspective. Unfortunately the opposite is true. When life seems to be edging on “too much”, I almost welcome it. It can be related to me giving up, I suppose. I don’t want to give up but sometimes life can be too much and sometimes I feel I am not cut out for it.
Before you go…. if you moseyed around and liked what you saw, I was anonymously nominated for a blogging award and if I did not promote voting, I would be doing the nominator a disservice – so, if you liked- vote here for Revenge of Eve. And, as always, Thank You for your support 🙂