Turn the Page

A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.


If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. 🙂

Revenge of Eve

P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person 🙂

S.Y.K.

Whaddup?!

Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.

This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.

Need help linking back to this post??

Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!


S.Y.K-Revenge of Eve

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

*As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?


My answers to last weeks questions:

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional? When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
  • Are you driven by motive? Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need? I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards? I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K

revenge of eve

Think – Reblog – Share – Answer

This week on So You Know I am going to ask you to really think about your answers to the following questions. I also would like to say that I understand if you do not care to answer them publicly but I do ask you to reblog this post. Why? Because I think the questions I am going to ask need to be asked of others to encourage them to think about the way they (we) as individuals operate.

I only ask you to participate if you can be 100% honest. I feel that many, if they are being honest, will not want to share their answers.

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post
So You Know
So You Know

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional?
  • Are you driven by motive?
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need?
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time???
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards?

Last weeks S.Y.K. was a combination of gross and funny and I was surprised at the honesty of two of my fave’s… Ashley and Beckie. Thank you for participating each Monday and for being transparent with your followers.

3.9.19

Candace Lynne

It isn’t necessary for you to always be doing, nor is it healthy. If you do, at some point, nothing becomes.

You are trying to force something into existence that isn’t ready…and neither are you.

What is necessary is the rest

What goes up must come down and your insistent resistance proves you need a break more than anything. Take the damn break. Step away from your phone, laptop, and all forms of technology to reboot.

Nourish your mind, body, and soul before it is too late. Crisis isn’t a necessary state, remember.

Just be.

Be you separate from the outside factors. Start today. Whatever you think needs to be done can wait. Change your thought process and evaluate where you stand. What is being accomplished from this feverishly, constant state of go? You will find. ..nothing.

Even God takes a break – famous words of advice from Beckie


A list of ideas:

Read a book

Give yourself a manicure/pedicure

Take a nap

Watch a movie

Play in the rain

Hang out with a friend

Just be

Binge watch Netflix

Listen to podcast


Use this time of rest to connect with yourself

You are a work in progress and that process cannot be rushed.

I love you, Candace Lynne

A Look at What Went Down in Feburary

If I had to give you a visual representation of what achieving my goals for February, looked like, this would be it…

There was absolutely zero structure to my month with the exception of a work schedule. I am in desperate need of an assistant or a life coach.  I’ve come to this conclusion as I look about my studio and see millions (not literally) of unfinished projects. 

It feels as though setting any goals for the month never happened but it did.  Not as lofty as January goals and not any really achieved.  I somewhat reminded myself to take a look at what goals I had set mid-month but apparently, I never looked back.  Thankfully I only set one goal for the month and it was to move closer toward my ultimate goal of defining myself.

So…what did I do?

I refuse to beat myself up over maintaining a strict rule in regards to goal setting.  But I will admit I have missed writing a gratitude list each morning and so I begin this again this morning.  For no reason, in particular, I stopped writing one each morning.

I did, however, make an eye appointment.  I will make do with a free pair of glasses that I am offered to receive each year.  Usually, I opt to purchase using the $100 credit but this time I will not go over.  I cannot afford too at the moment.  The last pair I purchased was $300 over the allotted one hundred 😮 They are nice and still in tack.

Last minute I decided to honor my daughter by using the month of February to celebrate her. For all intent and purposes, it went well but I expect to be more prepared for next February.  I will make this a tradition here on R.O.E. and each year I will add a creative touch to it so it isn’t just her life story repeated. 

Surprisingly I struggled with finding the words for a months worth of posts but I made do with a few.  She began her track season this month and has taken a break from soccer.   I think she will benefit from the break.

I introduced a new series this month, Letter143, that I am excited to have launched.  Anytime you see a post titled using the date, it belongs in the Letter143 category.  I have wanted to do something like this for a while so I am excited for it to finally have its place.

The festivities of Mardi Gras are almost over and where I never wanted them to end before, I cannot wait for them to now.  It is mass crowds full of drunks who are looking for a fight.  This used to be my favorite time of year but with my newfound love of solitude, I could do without. 

All in all, February was decent.  I can’t complain.  I have a roof over my head, a job; two actually, food in my belly and love in my heart.   How about you?  How was your second month of 2019? 

A Look At What Went Down in February

Quick Recap of February 2019 Posts

There were more posts than I realized but hands down the most exciting thing to happen were being nominated for a big deal bloggers award.  No one has claimed to have submitted my nomination but I think I may have a good idea who it is ❤

We changed our 2019 Challenge to something more along the lines in ROEland,  S.Y.K. (so you know) with the idea to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers.  It is simple to participate and never will there be more than 5 questions.

You can find all of the S.Y.K posts here:

S.Y.K.

S.Y.K.

Posts to my daughter:

From Conception through Toddler

Daughter

All of My Days

Your Intro into the World

I have already discussed Letter143 and those posts can be found here.

A few random post made their way onto the screen but that about wraps up February, 2019. Easy, Breezy…CoverGirl Easy…bahahahahaha

Peace Out ~

2.28.19

Momma’s baby,

As the last day of the month long celebration of your existence draws to a close, I can’t help but to feel a sense of relief. Not because I no longer want to celebrate you yet I fumbled with finding the words to aptly describe you. Words do no justice to the impact you have had on my life. You are more than words. You are love. Or what I know to be as love.

My interpretation of love was skewed until you graced my life. It still is a bit distorted but what your love has taught me is that love is not painful. The most valuable of lessons has been the love I deserve from myself. This isn’t something you have told me rather shown me. Your mere existence represents a love that is unconditional and honest. Your display of loving yourself has taught me that it is not selfish but necessary

I surprisingly found myself grappling with words for the month. I found that none measured up or lived up to your honor. I do not put you on a pedal stool to elevate you but to thank you. Thank you for being exactly who you are because who you are has been perfect for who I shall become


Revenge of Eve

Love, Your Mother ❤