A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
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But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve
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2019: 52 Week Challenge Week One

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`Week One

Hey you awesome peeps! This is the first of our 52 weeks of lists for happiness challenge. This should be an exciting adventure and I believe it has the possibility of opening our eyes.

Remember you can do this from the comfort of your own home. Share if you’d like or keep it to yourself. The ultimate goal is to work towards a place of what makes you happy.

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List One

List what makes you happy right now.

“Take Action:  How often do you actually get to experience these things?  Just like learning to read, gaining the wisdom and experience of happiness takes practice.  Let’s start now!  Take one item on your list and see how you can turn it into a daily practice of happiness.” 

52 Lists for Happiness


  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week 😉 Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

Stay tuned for next Monday as I will post week 2 and review my list from week 1.  Thanks y’all.  Don’t forget to share with me 🙂 Here in the comments or via email.

Bundle up!! It’s ’bout to get cold!! Love from Louisiana

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Changing My Life (One Day At A Time)

Revenge of Eve

Hello 2019

It is now the new year. So much pressure is put on the new year and I realized this as I scrolled through reading the posts of other bloggers. I am not putting that pressure on myself. I am aware that life happens and that I am not in control but I will do what I am capable of doing to pass on positivity and learn about myself in the process.


January

I have set my goals for January. The target goal assigned to this month is: Be More Present (most significantly as a mom)

Keeping it simple they are:

  1. Do not take my phone to the field (soccer).
  2. One hour each time Kid is with me is to be spent with no technology
  3. Journal daily

My secondary goals are:

  1. Exercise 30 minutes a day. Not strenuous or exhaustive. Stretching is good.
  2. Use the focus mode setting on my laptop.
  3. Listen to a podcast about mindfulness. Do not do anything while listening.
  4. Write a gratitude list every morning.

Revenge of Eve

Exercising

I did not list exercise as a goal to lose weight. I am at a good weight but I would like to tone the loose, hanging skin (as tears drop my eyes). I am no spring chicken and at 40 I need to keep momentum for health purposes. I am not one who is committed to eating healthy or exercising. I was gifted with decent enough genes that I haven’t worried about it. This isn’t to say that I’ve never been overweight because in my alcoholism I weighed a hearty 200 pounds. When I quit drinking I was able to shed 60 pounds pretty quickly. Shew but with that came flabby skin that I am self-conscious about. Well, I start today and will begin with stretching.

Podcast & Gratitude

Ok. I have been waiting with bated breath to share with y’all my absolute favorite podcast so far. I am new to the scene of podcasts so it is possible you have discovered this one but if you haven’t, you must! If you are on any type of spiritual journey or identity journey, I highly recommend Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. Hands down a goosebump, ah-ha type of podcast.

I listen to it on Spotify but I am sure it is on iTunes as well. I pay monthly for my account so I am not sure if the free version offers podcasts. Each morning I have it programmed to play on my Google Home after the weather. It has been an inspiring way to begin my day.

A common denominator that the guests share about being fulfilled in life is through gratitude, love, and compassion. I will be intent on focusing on each of these individually with my target goals but also as a combined practice. Listing three things that I am grateful for in my planner helps keep me mindful throughout the day about the small things in life. I know I need it. Not because I am ungrateful but because I tend to forget about how good I have it.

When I first began Revenge of Eve my tagline was Painfully Privileged. I changed it so that I didn’t come off snobby but that is my truth. I have been fortunate throughout my life, not without pain, and I used that as a snarky tagline but ultimately removed it. My mother has provided shelter for my daughter and I over the course of my adult life. When I was actively drinking I would do good, move out, maintain, and then fall back. She has always been there to catch me and I realize not everyone has this luxury. Some may call it enabling but my Ma is not going to let her granddaughter suffer because of her mom’s choices.

Focus

Most of you are aware that I struggle with focusing. Thanksgiving night I braved the crowd and went to Best Buy with the intentions of getting a phone and walked out with an HP 2n1 Pavillion laptop. Under the setting is a mode called focus. As I have mentioned I haven’t used it yet but January will be the month. I will set the mode for one of my time blocks; 45 minutes. I will report the details in a later post. Fingers crossed it works.

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Difficult Decisions

The most significant change I am considering is leaving my job at the casino. It is extremely taxing physically and in order for our shift to operate smoothly all hand must be on deck. We have run into an entitled group of young servers who do not pull their weight making the load for us senior servers too heavy to bear. At my age and with my anger, I am tired, overworked and unhappy.

I am thinking about job hunting at a local bar where it is me I rely on. Being behind a bar is my safe area. It’s me that sets up, serves my guests, cleans and makes my money. So you guessed it. If I am going to be frustrated with anyone it will be myself. I have a loyalty to my managers at the casino and that has been what has kept me there the past week. I have left my shift in complete disarray as of late. The holiday season is grueling on my body and adding the extra weight of immature, lazy 19-23-year-olds, pisses me off. It isn’t necessary. I am prepared to make these difficult decisions this year. It is myself who has to live with what I choose and I trust me now. And that feels good.

I voiced my thoughts to my manager and she asked I hang on a little while longer until she can get new staff on board. I will wait as patiently as possible for the next two weeks.


As part of my morning routine, I write the thoughts that come to mind. I wrote the above, difficult decisions, before going into work. When I arrived at work my co-worker Dawn said she had something for me. Surprised and not knowing what for my immediate response was why. She knew I had a bad day the day before and she thought a gift bag full of stickers would brighten my day, along with two pair off socks and a cute triangular hanging flag! She was right! It literally made my heart pound that she would do something as sweet as this for me. Her story and mine are strangely familiar and that is what we have built our friendship upon. This gesture added such a kind sense of compassion to our friendship. It is these type of acts of kindness that restore my faith in humanity, a smidget. 😉


Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

2019

Officially 2019!

12:01 am in Louisiana and many are bringing in the new year with fireworks, champagne, and kisses. How will you do 2019?

Happy New Year- Revenge of Eve

Ready or Not!!

Two-thousand nineteen is here and if we are not careful it will slip past us. From this day forward I will seek avenues that make life more enjoyable. I will volunteer my time to help those in need, if it doesn’t make me happy I will discard it, I will search within for theme that has been buried and I will lead with compassion.

Each year I choose a word as a guide and this year I decided on my third choice which is

-Discover-

It is my hope that 2019 reveals the true me. I am so lost among my diagnosis’ and who I think I am supposed to be. I have acted as a chameleon changing to accommodate my environment. I have always categorized myself a rebel but I’m not sure how true that is. I am opinionated but I believe the rebel in me is tired. I am ready to shed the skin I once wore. It no longer serves a purpose.

I want to discover who I am after alcoholism and drug abuse, separation from my father, diagnosed bipolar, along with my experiences. I am not trying to erase my past rather build upon it. I think January will be rough for me for many reasons but I will persevere. I foresee dramatic changes in 2019 and instead of staying in misery and contentment I will push beyond the fear and either fail or succeed. The only way I know which one is to try.

I will wake after this post is published and I will do so with intention. Have a safe day and buckle your boots, Revenge of Eve is on a mission!!

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

When I Becomes We: Planning 2019

Let’s Plan & Smash Goals Together


In 2019

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Whether we are ready or not 2018 is coming to an end….like in two weeks!!  Year after year people across the globe set New Year resolutions only for 80% to have failed by March.  Such alarming statistics suggest we aren’t doing something right!!

Personally, I do not set resolutions.  I tend to shy away from opportunities to fail.  Each year I set a word to focus my life around. This year is no different with the exception of setting goals and planning them out.  Yup, I am going to attempt planning 12 months in advance, kind of (commitment issues), and so are you!

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A blank slate can present opportunity or it can stir up fear.  Some writers struggle with the intimidating blank screen while the artist does so with a blank canvass.  Similar to them, staring at a blank 12-month calendar can be overwhelming! Honestly, it is unrealistic to think you can plan a whole year in advance.  Life doesn’t happen that way. Twists and turns are thrown in the mix, sports schedules are not available, and the dance recital is scheduled two months prior.

Having the tendency to complicate things, I figure we will go all out and keep it simple in 2019.  I hear this phrase often but have yet put action to it.  But..for 2019, it’s a plan! 😉

If you think to yourself “ I don’t have time to plan”, stop that negativity right now!!  Set aside an hour or two a week and set yourself up for success. I choose Monday as my day for planning.  It is my day off and the beginning of my week. Have you decided on yours? Decide already…

What goes into planning?

Planning, as a role in my life, can be described as no other than a pain in the ass.  It seems that something pops up that I hadn’t planned disrupting the flow of my day.  What I have come to realize is that in order for planning to work, it must be customized to your lifestyle.  Buying a planner meant for entrepreneurs does nothing for someone without a business.

Customizing a plan of how to plan may be a bit extraordinaire but we are going to do it anyway because we are … learning.  Starting at the beginning is intimidating for all of us especially if you have attempted before and consider it a fail. We will not look at it that way.  These suggestions will help us break our life into parts that we can easily manage by using a customized planning system. But before we dive into that, here are three important things to keep in mind while we plan to plan 🙂


3 Ways to Simplify Planning and Goal Setting

  1. Be realistic
  2. Be honest with yourself
  3. Keep it simple

Realistic planning

Setting realistic goals contributes to your success rate.  Unrealistic goal setting will stress you out or have you throwing in the towel altogether.   In order to set realistic goals, you must have a realistic plan. The two go hand in hand. My recommendation is to set your goals first so you can break them down into months and further break those down to segments.  I’ll explain.

Set  3 goals that you wish to achieve

Randomly, assign each goal four months

Now let’s do a little math.  By using the 12 months as our denominator we will divide by 3 and get 4.  What is the purpose in this? We have broken our goals into months. The months under a goal are the months you work toward that particular goal. Next break it down to segments. Segment will be mini monthly goals. Do not set more than four goals each month.

Were you able to follow along?  My explanation may not have been presented in a way that is understandable for you but hang tight.  If it does not make any sense by the end of this post, then we can do something different for you.


Be Honest with Yourself

This part is critical when planning.  Do not set aside three hours for exercise if you have never exercised a day in your life.  That is wasted space and when it isn’t accomplished you will feel the wrath of failure and quit.  We ain’t got time for that boo.

Since we are being honest, I lie to myself alllll the time.  This area will require the most work from me. I like to plan a 30 hour day.  See how that doesn’t work? I can hear it now, “ Candace, aren’t realistic and being honest with yourself the same?”, and to that I respond “no”.

The difference is that Amy’s customized plan is realistic for her but can you say, honestly, that it will work for you?  If you are still confused read on.


Keep it Simple

“Wow Candace this whole post has been anything but simple!!”,  well, I tried but I am learning as we go. The idea belongs to me but the concept requires “we”.  There will be a drawing of me trying to get what is in my head out on “paper”, wait until you see that. Lol

Keeping it simple will require us not to overthink our decisions and continue to work towards our achievable goals.  Implementing this process will take practice and the only thing that gives us room for practice is time.  We cannot rush ourselves. We try it one way and if that doesn’t work, we try something else. It may take us a year to find our individual planning system but the beauty of this is we have each other to bounce ideas and suggestions off of.

If you are on the outside looking in your perspective isn’t necessarily better than my own, it offers another way of approaching my situation.  Make any sense? Does any of this make sense??


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Here goes nothing.

  • If you are tired of winging life and would like to join along in an effort to become more organized, These post will be for you.
  • If you don’t mind that your fearless leader doesn’t know exactly what she is doing, you are encouraged to pipe in and help a sister out.
  • If you are interested in discovering the customized plan that works for you plus have the patience to develop it, you are the person we need.
  • If you want to watch us fail and get back up, getta’ life and get outta here!!!

Perhaps the word I have been feeling around for is accountability partner.  That sounds doable but of course that term would be tweaked a bit because more will go into it.  Like, exchanging emails, sharing ideas and embarrassing yourself by being completely 100% honest about falling flat on your face.

If all or any of this sounds interesting to you, comment I, and look for future posts titled When I Becomes We.

We aren’t meant to go at this thing called life alone and since we have the internet and none of us are having to physically get out of our comfort zones, we should take advantage of each others online presence, right?!  Makes sense to me but we all know by now my sense meter is a little off.

Just like with everything I am going to do in 2019, I am just putting it out there.  Eventually something will come of it.

Toodles ~ Candace


Don’t you dare laugh at my messy example. I normally would never post something as ugly as this but it is what it is, a rough sketch example. If this adds to your confusion, I am sorry. This isn’t an in-depth example, it is a brief example of how the idea began.

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Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

2019 Challenge

A Challenge for Happiness, Inspiration & Balance


As it always happens when we put it out in the universe that we want or need something it will show up in many ways and it becomes our responsibility to act on it.  I don’t know about you but there have been times that I have silently begged for change and to my surprise hundreds of avenues open up for me to initiate the change.  Let me be honest, no matter how bad I may have wanted it, fear holds me back from taking advantage of the opportunities I pled for.

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This is the case 85% of the time for me, happening more than I’d like to admit.   But guess what?  It is this fear that I want to escape and I am taking things for what they are. This challenge was presented to me by the universe and it is something I vouch to complete.  There I said it!!  You are now given permission to stay on my ass and make sure I am consistent in posting each weeks challenges….I know, I know …. I am not holding you responsible nor do you have to adult-sit me but giving you such permission gives me something to be accountable to.  Ya see??  🙂

So, what is it already??  My mother and I were shopping (surprise) and I just so happened to find my way to the stationery aisle in TJ Maxx (another surprise).  Low and behold, after I over turn each and every notebook, journal, planner, calendar….you get the picture, appears a book titled “52 Lists for Happiness”.  WHAT??? and as I realize what this is, my sign, I pick it up and turn a few pages.  I rub my hand across a page to feel the texture, I admire the illustrations so carefully drawn, and then I check the price.  $10.00.  Not needing to spend any money on myself because I have spent my savings, Christmas is right around the corner, and I have bills due soooo I do what any adult-child would do…. I show it to my mom and with a pitiful pout I say, “I really shouldn’t get this but it is exactly what I need to accomplish my goals in 2019″.  Yes, really.  I am that 40-year old.  Pathetic, right?!  It was my birthday too but it wasn’t that I wanted or needed her to buy it, I just needed her to make it ok for me to spend the $10.00.  Honestly, I should view it as an investment because it is for the bettering, I hope.

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Walking through the store, with it in hand, I do what any cheap, shopaholic would do, I look for it on Amazon.  🙂  I weigh my options,  I haven’t invested in Prime, (why? no excuse, no excuse)  with shipping it totals about the same price.  I read two reviews and then silently cuss myself out in my head.  “Seriously Candace?  Get it together!!  This has the possibility to lead you to yourself and omg isn’t that what you want?”.  I buy the book.

52 Lists for Happiness

By: Moorea Seal

Weekly journaling

Inspiration for Positivity,

Balance, and Joy

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From what I gathered the author is a blogger, ok see…. you seeing the signs yet?, and she has formed a community of fans that participate in this challenge each year.  Amazing, right?  Yes, just agree.  In the preface of the journal/guided book she suggests using the  #52HappyLists hashtag on social media to find others who are working their way through the book.  Considering I am setting myself free from (most) social media, I will not be hashtagging publicly but I will use it on my blog!!  Brilliant!  My fellow bloggers that are unhappy, bored, and needing change can do this together!!  Sounds amazing and I hope you join.  Encourage other to join too but do not look for the hashtag elsewhere because it will not coincide with the edition we are doing.  Like we all know, I am notoriously late for the show and with this being no exception.  WE, tee-hee, will be doinggggggg  the 2016 version of #52HappyLists.  🙂  We are only three years behind.  Not bad.

Here is how it will go down.

Every Monday morning, like wicked early morning, the list of the week will be published by the handy scheduler.  How early?  Hmmmm, let’s say it will “go live” at 2:00 am every Monday morning, Central American time.  From there you can do whatever the hell you want with it.  You can keep it to yourself, you can blast it on your blog, you can email me, post it on your fridge, share with your co-workers…….WHATEVER makes you…… drum roll….. HAPPY!!  BUT, always a but, give credit where credit is due.  How so?

  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book:  Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person.  Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week 😉  Don’t know how?  Ask and I will explain.  Invite your friends.  Let’s have happy feeds in 2019.  Can you imagine the mental health community…happy?  It would be a beautiful thing.  Why?  because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge.  Integrate it into your life.  Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it.  We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart.  Everyone of us is worthy, including me.  

I honestly haven’t even flipped through the book so I don’t know what will be presented each week but what I do know is I am full of hope and I would be so excited if you joined me in this challenge.  What could it hurt?  If you don’t enjoy it, stop at any time.


Chow!!!  This begins January 7, 2019 ……… subscribe using the pop-up to receive insider info 😉

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve