Always Chase the Gold

Mental Health & Recovery

I’ve come to realize that what is lacking in adulting is the use of our imagination. Today, I hope you search for the gold at the end of the rainbow. Because I will be. Always.

Relationship Curious-Revenge of Eve

Relationship Curious

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Hardly Ever

It isn’t very often that I have something positive to say about the generation that surrounds my daughter and my only true complaint with them is their lack of work ethic. And to be honest, it isn’t every day that anyone of any age impresses me but today, a nineteen year impressed me.

She’s actually impressed me quite a bit over the last three months but I’d hate for her head to get big and so I stay silent. She also just found out my web address so I won’t go into too much detail 😂 here either. But I had to tell her tonight because what she did, I wish I had the courage to have done most of my life.

Choose you-Revenge of Eve

She chose herself. She saw a toxic person for exactly who he is. This is not to say that he is a bad person. He is, however, detrimental for her growth. This also isn’t to say she won’t give him another chance tomorrow and I would never judge her if she did because I am no judge…but…before I go any further…

A brief snapshot of the situation:

  • Young single mother meets an older guy (10-11 years older) who invites her and her 18-month old son to move in bills free {red flag number one} a month into dating.
  • He talks at her, not to her and his opinions are made known.
  • He shows no affection.
  • Dinner is expected.
  • He encourages her son to disobey her.
  • He claimed to be in recovery yet from a photo, I said otherwise.
  • Last night, it became apparent that he must’ve started using again. {She is familiar with addict behavior because her mother is in active recovery and her dad is an active user of the same drug he claimed to not be on}.

Today, we moved her and her son’s belongings out. At that age or perhaps even my current age, I would make excuses for his behavior or secretly consider it a rescue challenge. I would disregard my intuition and stay because I feel that is the type of treatment I deserve. It’s the same toxic pattern that I have repeated in every single relationship I have had – which isn’t many but nonetheless, toxic. From there a stronger attachment is formed (feeding my ego it’s favorite meal…power) because they need me and I must prove so by providing shelter and other luxury accommodations. The given moment my temper flares, I flex my muscles (not literally y’all), tell them to get out and continue to beat a dead horse until it’s decomposed. Fun, right?

If you are lost, I’ll spell it out: I peep his game because I am the club president.

“I’m not only a client, I’m tha play’a President”

Biggie Smalls

I used to think it was them but as I’ve grown, I’ve began to notice my participation in the dance of deceit. And believe me when I say the men in my life that have got the best of me, they were my karma – I strongly believe that and that would attribute to my staying at times. But the joke was on me because, once again with that thought, proves I believed I held the power.

I must also acknowledge myself for being able to confront the patterns and behaviors that aren’t the most glamourous. Now I must move on to the action part.

Awareness, first. Action, second.

Now that I have identified this despicable pattern of weaved yarn, I must take action to not repeat it anymore. 34 years is plenty. That would require leaving the house. Better yet, my studio and I’m not sure what I’d do next with a guy – like how to have a conversation, how to believe them, how to accept their flaws…ugh…definitely not relationship ready but what if I am approaching relationship curious ??

letter143-Revenge of Eve

6.28.19

Mental Health & Recovery

*language warning*

I am finding this time of my life extremely difficult. Each time I feel as though I advance on a spiritual level, something material or childish, immature behavior on behalf of others, pulls me down. I want to run away. Sell my car and live on the streets. This race to maintain and all the glory given to the almighty dollar has my life in shambles. Do you know how it feels to say “I am unhappy. I want to quit my job” and to have your mother remind you that you have bills?? Because she “wants to mentor me”. Are you fucking kidding me? Mentor a 40-year-old?!! For crying out loud, it’s a little fuck’n late don’tcha think???

And life with a teen is pure bliss. If I see her. She’s in and out. When she’s in, she’s laid up in her room without a care in the world. The world spins for her and what else is there to do? Or that’s what I assume she thinks because hell, I have no clue what she thinks. Every time I think I do, I get it wrong.

Do you ever feel like there is always someone standing over your shoulder criticizing every step you take? That’s what life feels like for me and it fuck’n sucks!!! Because if we gonna do that, I got a list for them too…but I do not want to feed into that energy but…Did I mention it fuck’n sucks? No one wants to evaluate themselves. They’d rather point out everything you do “wrong”. I’m over it!!

I’d like to touch on gossiping and I mean barely skim over the subject: GROW SOME BALLS AND COMMUNICATE!!! And to the two-faced people out there…grow the fuck up. You think you are slick?? You are a waste of time. Stop trying to snake your way into friendships because who you truly are will soon surface.

I’m going to take a nap and try again. Let’s hope I feel better when I wake up because right now….

An Update On Life

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

Revenge of Eve

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.


❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

Revenge of Eve

OMG!! I’m Not Sure I can Accept ‘Em

R.O.E. Need To Know

Exactly what the title says…

On behalf of Revenge of Eve, I would like to apologize for the unsightly ads that are being plastered across, on top, and in between paragraphs.!!!

I understand having a free site comes with less than desirable options but couldn’t they limit the horrendous display of hairy fuck’n legs advertising heart attack prescription medication?

Seriously, Word Press??? You have got to do better!!

Are you aware you have stiff competition?? While you are at #1 it doesn’t last if you continue to sneak in costs, take over someones aesthetically designed work with ads that have nothing in common with the sites purpose – Not much else for me to say except I apologize to my followers for not managing my finances well but as you know, I am a work in progress.
Revenge of Eve

Revenge of Eve

So You Know (S.Y.K.)

Creative & Collective

So You Know

I was going to mention how quick the week came and went and then I realized we are halfway through the year!! Wowzers!! Can you believe we are already 6 months into 2019?!?!

Every Monday here on R.O.E. we present a series of questions for bloggers to answer with the hopes of getting to know the person behind the screen better. You can participate by creating a post on your site answering the week’s questions or you may answer them in the comment section below. If you choose to publish a post, please create a pingback to this week’s edition of S.Y.K.

Easy, peasy!


This week’s Questions

  • Do you have a hobby? If so, what is it?
  • How did you discover your interest in your hobby?
  • Do you find having a hobby helps with maintaining your mental wellness? How so?
  • Where do you find materials for staying active with your hobby?
  • Have you ever considered monetizing your hobby? Or if you already do, do you still enjoy it as a hobby?

My answers to last week’s S.Y.K.

  1. What is your favorite part of summer? I would have to say having cook outs by the pool or at the lake is my favorite part. I love the closeness I feel to nature when I am using traditional methods of feeding people by using the bare essentials of modern day cookware. If that makes sense. Lol
  2. Do you swim in bodies of water that are questionable? Like where you cannot see the bottom – lakes, ponds, the ocean… if so, what’s is your fear in doing so? When I was a kid we swam in anything that created a puddle. Manmade ponds and lakes with slimy bottoms where you couldn’t see your feet with red clay mud being the structure of the pond. These days, not so much. If I get in a body of water it is to cool off by quickly throwing water over my body or getting on a float in the shallow end and rowing myself out to the deep end. I will however swim in a pool but not after fourth of July – in Louisiana at least. Why? The water after the fourth is like bath water and I cannot stand the thought of urine filled bath water especially when the urine isn’t my own. Yuck. The ocean is a little different because of the ability to see my feet. I am still a bit weirded out about the marine life though. Arkansas has beautiful bodies of water with cold. flowing water that is clear and with rock bottoms. That is my kind of water to be in. Streams and flowing water is what I prefer.
  3. What is the average temperature (Fahrenheit) of summer in your area? on average I would say between the months of May and August 90 degrees is average but it soars into the 100’s more often than I like. UGH!!! I’m not ready for it!
  4. Do you have access to a pool? If so, is it your own private pool or a complex pool? I do but I don’t. We are allowed to use my Ma’s best friend’s private pool but I don’t very often. My co-worker who lives across the street has an apartment and I have laid out at her complex’s pool once this year.
  5. What ocean is closest to you? The Gulf of Mexico is at the bottom of Louisiana but I don’t believe I’ve ever been in it.

That’s it for this weeks edition of S.Y.K. If there are things you wish you knew about other bloggers, submit a list of questions you would like to know the answer too and I will use them in future So You Knows. You can do so by chatting with me via email.

Thanks for participating and as always, I love y’all!!!

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K

Holiday Greetings

So You Know

S.Y.K.

Revenge of Eve

YO, Yo, Yo! It’s our favorite day of the week but this Monday is different because all most of my lovely followers are off for Memorial Day!! Gotta love a holiday weekend 🙂

– Happy Memorial Day –

Monday just happens to be my day off and it is no surprise it is my fave. The bonus is learning about fellow bloggers through the series S.Y.K.!

If you aren’t familiar with how this works, just follow a few simple steps and give your readers insight into the person behind the scenes – YOU!


  • Answer a few question by creating a post on your site or you can answer in the comment section below. Answer all or a few, its up to you.
  • If you create a post, link back to this week’s S.Y.K. post. Don’t know how? Let’s chat and I’ll walk you through it.
  • My only request is that you be honest with your answers.
  • Have fun. Be silly or serious – whichever fits the tone of your site
  • Be you because that’s who we want to learn about.

This Week’s Questions

  1. What is your favorite part of summer?
  2. Do you swim in bodies of water that are questionable? Like where you cannot see the bottom – lakes, ponds, the ocean… if so, what’s is your fear in doing so?
  3. What is the average temperature (Fahrenheit) of summer in your area?
  4. Do you have access to a pool? If so, is it your own private pool or a complex pool?
  5. What ocean is closest to you?

See, that wasn’t so bad! I can’t wait to read your answers and pin your location on a map that I have decided to keep close by to have a visual of where my blogging friends are located.


So You Know- Revenge of Eve
So You Know

My answers to last week’s questions:

  • How long have you blogged? What is the anniversary? I began blogging on July 15, 2017. I established my site on the 30th of May but had no clue what I was doing and so it sat for a little over a month before I decided to revisit it. I consider the 15th of July the anniversary of R.O.E.
  • What was your original purpose for beginning a blog? To be the author of my story. I had met a customer whose wife died from bulimia and when I asked about her, expecting him to tell a story related to her personality, he told a vague life story that did her no justice. He told the story of a woman abandoned by man and taken over by disease. In that very moment, I made the decision to share my story. It is one of struggle but it is mine. The efforts, the setbacks, and the victories all belong to me.
  • Did you research about blogging before establishing your own? None whatsoever and I am so glad that I did not. I would’ve never started. After a year of blindly blogging, I decided to search for blogging tips on Pinterest and let me tell ya…information overload. Too much out there. I am grateful I am self-taught because that is something I am proud of and no one can take it from me.
  • Has your purpose evolved or changed directions? If so, what was the determining factor for the change? Oh lord has it?!! I am easily distracted by shiny, new promises and that is where research landed me. Given too many options and I’ll forever struggle. I like a little bit of everything but my why behind blogging, in general, has stayed the same. From time to time I add things, take ’em away, quit, pursue but inevitably, my purpose is for others to know that they are not alone and I emphasize the importance of sharing your story whether that be in a journal or a blog, regardless, do not allow someone else to say who you are/were. You tell it!!!
  • What determines your measure of success as far as blogging is concerned? I have to agree with many of the bloggers who participated in this series of questions and say it is the interaction with others in the community. The feedback, encouragement, and engagement are far more rewarding than any number will ever be.

I cannot figure out why the above text, some of it, stays high lit. In order for it to be bold or italicized, I highlight it and click the b or the I. The first question and answer worked perfectly but the others…I’m over trying to correct so I will publish. I noticed it did this in last week’s answer section as well. Any suggestions or solutions? I am all ears!

revenge of eve-letter143

5.6.19

Life & Relationships

I’m done with role play.

Either accept me

Or walk away.

I will no longer coddle

Or cater

And say,

I’m sorry,

later.

I am setting

And

Respecting this boundary

And if you take this personal,

That’s on you.

I hate to sound

Like a cold-hearted

Bitch.

No longer will I claim

Bipolar, alcoholic, introvert,

addict, …bitch,

….I could go on

But instead, I

will move forward.

With or without you

that’s up to you.


I am just a girl

Who wants to

be…

herself.

To…

Believe in herself.