5.6.19

I’m done with role play.

Either accept me

Or walk away.

I will no longer coddle

Or cater

And say,

I’m sorry,

later.

I am setting

And

Respecting this boundary

And if you take this personal,

That’s on you.

I hate to sound

Like a cold-hearted

Bitch.

No longer will I claim

Bipolar, alcoholic, introvert,

addict, …bitch,

….I could go on

But instead, I

will move forward.

With or without you

that’s up to you.


I am just a girl

Who wants to

be…

herself.

To…

Believe in herself.

So You Know

Revenge of Eve

So You Know

It’s that time again! Happy Monday, y’all!

If you are new to these parts, Welcome ❤


Have a look around and while you are at it, subscribe to receive theGarden, a monthly newsletter sent out randomly throughout the month. No spamming, only love.

S.Y.K

So You Know is a series that gives the reader insight to the opinions of their favorite bloggers. Participation is easy. Keep reading and don’t forget that S.Y.K is rolled out most Monday’s.

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

Don’t know how to create a pingback? Hit me up and I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy and everyone needs a little help here and there

revenge of eve

Ready? On your mark…get set….
GO!!

  • Do you take responsibilty for other peoples problems and/or emotions, unknowingly? If so, move on to question 2, if not…head on to #3.
  • When did you noticed this behavior was burdening you and stunting your growth? Was it a particular incident or did someone verbally tell you that it isn’t your responsibility?
  • Were you raised by giving parents or by parents who gave only to throw it in your face later?
  • Lastly, what are your opinions concerning parents being held responsible for their children’s action? As in – what age is the child when they are held responsible for their own actions? Is this opinion reflective of how your parents raised you or opposite?

Ok I squeezed multiple question under one number, two times (lol), but that’s ok


The questions here on S.Y.K. have had a parenting theme more recently and as I am just noticing this, I can relate it to what I am seeing lately. These questions are also for non-parents – assuming they have opinions about the matters of parenting. Because I mean, damn, they sure have an opinion when a child is screaming and throwing a fit in Wal-Mart!! And the expression on their faces say even more!!


My answers to last weeks questions

  • What is your biggest fear? Besides suffocating, which is my biggest, would have to be that I “check out” because life becomes too hard to handle.
  • When did you recognize it as the biggest? After an episode of psychosis.
  • What happened that caused you to recognize it? I lost control of my mind. More specifically, I wasn’t taught how powerful our brains are and that it can do things without consulting the host.
  • Has it ever happened to you or anyone you love? not that I am aware of.
  • Have you tried to overcome? If so, how and what was the result? I do not remember fighting it but I will say it was scary and out of sorts. I saw myself looking down from above. I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and while I was literally doing so, it didn’t make sense to see myself from that perspective. Unfortunately the opposite is true. When life seems to be edging on “too much”, I almost welcome it. It can be related to me giving up, I suppose. I don’t want to give up but sometimes life can be too much and sometimes I feel I am not cut out for it.

Before you go…. if you moseyed around and liked what you saw, I was anonymously nominated for a blogging award and if I did not promote voting, I would be doing the nominator a disservice – so, if you liked- vote here for Revenge of Eve. And, as always, Thank You for your support 🙂

Revenge of Eve

What If?…

I wonder if…

I said all that came to mind,

Who my words would find.

Why am I notoriously behind?

Last in line.


Is it true that if you want something

You must let it go?

If that’s the case,

I want out of this rat race!

To live my life

At a sloths pace.


What type of being

Has no face?

A ghost?

An alien?

I wonder.

How come
our soul

Isn’t in control?

And.

Is free will

Hell?

Does time
eventually…

tell?

Without our souls,

Aren’t our bodies

Only a shell?


How come we never know if an event is traumatic,

Until it’s over?

Read that again.

Think about it.


What if…

instead of the epidermis,

We were encased in glass.

How long would you last?

Would you shatter?

To whom would it matter?


Who said, Mad Hatter?


Listen closely.

Children scream silently.

Watch them.

Most importantly,

Listen to them.

They are people too.

Who???

You!


Take a look at you.
Embrace what it is that
Is…
You.
I wonder what if
Don’t you
?

S.Y.K.

Whaddup?!

Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.

This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.

Need help linking back to this post??

Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!


S.Y.K-Revenge of Eve

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

*As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?


My answers to last weeks questions:

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional? When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
  • Are you driven by motive? Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need? I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards? I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
Revenge of Eve

In Search Of

In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

Realizations

I had an epiphany the other day when I published Southern Belle from Hell. I even said it in the letter.

If two strangers have the same negative experience with you, you need to check yourself…..

And then I went on to say that I encounter these type of women on a daily basis, in which I do but…

I do not take back nor apologize for what I said in the letter…but what I will do is acknowledge my part.

What the hell am I doing?

Is it the fact that I am manic? (I need to admit that to myself because it is what it is…right?) Today I am too much for people and I can see how. I have been medication free for almost three months so that sounds about right.

Back on my meds again, soon? As much as I hate it, it’s a possibility.

In search of-Revenge of Eve

Hold up…do I hate it? If I did I would be curving to the temptations of astigmatism. I do not hate it. I am embracing It.

Sitting with it.

Allowing it to be just as it is.

This is my first ever omission to mania. I usually try to hoard it and keep it bottled in. In all honesty, it was this post on The Bipolar Writer, written by C.M. North, that cued me to tune in.

This is my first time to recognize, better yet, acknowledge the symptoms of my mania.

Everything is overwhelming. My senses are heightened and I feel…discombobulated.

Out of it.

Someone needs me.

I am forgetting something.

My mind races 1,000 mph.

I take things personally.

I am not in my lane.

I am in search of…..

This is when I unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. I am brutally honest, often unapologetically. My truth is being exposed so….fuck it, I’ll expose yours.

Paranoia sets in.

The whispers start. And it isn’t my imagination because they are talking about me. They talk about how I am mean, bossy, and a bitch yet they claim to not judge others or even better, they understand.

I don’t even understand.

I question if I should ride this wave a bit longer. But I know I shouldn’t because it affects everyone. Not just me.

I go to extremes and the fall…

.

the fall is brutal, puncturing any progress I’ve made along the way. As I rapidly type this, no really you should see my thumbs tapping away, I am putting together the puzzle of my life. My eyes are opening but the question that remains is,

Am I ready to not be this way? It’s all I know but all I am discovering. And all I wish to go away.

You may say, ” you act like you have a choice”.

I think I do and it is others who my mania effects negatively and maybe I am tired of dumbing myself down for them. No one cares that I am sensitive. Nope, all they remember are my words. Their truth.

Subsequently

Having a mental illness is a challenge. Having cooccurring disorders is torcher. The gravitational pull into the abyss is daunting. It glitters, inviting me into its embrace. The familiarity is the bait. The contentment, isolating. Before you know it, a hospital gown with no underwire bra. No drawstring pants. The exciting time of your day is med time.

We are caged.


In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

After some research and sleep, I woke refreshed. There has been a huge shift with the moon. This explains everything. If you have followed R.O.E. for any length of time, you have heard me speak of the moon and the effects it has on me. This type of shift hasn’t happened in 9 years!!.

When I often discuss the way I feel with energy it is referred to as being an empath. I have never really liked calling myself that because it seems to be a trend of sorts. I do my best to stray away from the trends of our society.

Yesterday it was too much too handle. I wasn’t. Feeling what everyone else feels can be a gift but it can also be paralyzing.

I do wonder if I should stop labeling myself as bipolar. What we think, we become and this has always been my belief. Ironically I’ve not ever put it to good use.

I don’t say that because I am in denial. It is the stigmatism attached that is negative and that in itself weighs on me. I understand that not everyone feels to the extremes in which I do but what about that makes me ill? Or disordered?

I am tackling these types of things on a daily basis as I grow in my understanding of who I am. It is a struggle to feel everything but I am realizing that I would rather this than to be medicated. It’s sad that being thrown into a hospital is the solution for those of us who have yet to set interpersonal boundaries for ourselves.

Imagine if you will… You walk into a room and you are technically “happy”. Suddenly you are hit with a sense of anger and confusion. And from there you navigate around the area and begin feeling feelings of sadness and before you know, you’ve jumped back to happy all within a 30-minute time frame. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot. This is what I experience if I do not put up barriers.

I had gotten really good at putting up walls to not allow everything to impact me. Slowly I’ve let them down not remembering why I had initially built them. Now….. I raise them which is much easier said than done.

Although I may not understand what is going on, I am fully aware that my life is shifting. As I reread this it jumps all over the place but there is legit sense to it. I just hope I come out on the better end of things. Kinder to myself and more open to others. Right now the fog that lifts is one of pain. I don’t want to be calloused. I want to love. Starting with myself.

Love you peeps!!

Learning to Love Myself Without Shrinking

One Word

It is often said that words do not define us.  In my personal realm, they do.  I may have mentioned this a time or two.  What I mean is that I require words to give to people to describe who I am and am not.

I hold onto words.  I have a love-hate relationship with them.  I love how eloquently they roll off your tongue when telling someone you love them.   I love the punch they have when said in anger. 
I am sure we can agree that words are powerful.

Ironically, I struggle to find words that I relate too.  Ya know, fit the definition of.  This was the case when in rehab and mental facilities when the counselors would say that I had abandonment issues.  I never agreed. How could someone have abandonment issues when the abuser was there?  He did not do me a favor and leave, no, he stayed.

One day, out of the blue, it dawned on me.  It is rejection, for me, not abandonment.  Being able to communicate that has changed my world and recently a good friend of mine did it for me with yet again, one word…

Territorial

You all have read about my confession of being able to absorb the energy of others and it is the word territorial that describes why I am the way I am.

How’s that??  Allow me to dish it to ya…

All of my life I have used words such as possessive, protective, even jealous (which I am not by nature) to describe how I am with those closest to me.
Once I feel safe with someone, in my mind, they literally become mine.  Like seriously.

Their well being at that point has been assigned to me to guard.  If at any point I feel that they are in an uncomfortable situation, I swoop in and defend.  I will go to any length to bring my friend or family the level of comfort they need. 

I do not take these actions based on their command, I do so by sensing their energy.  Pretty much their energy tells on them.  At work, if anyone is rude or aggressive with any of the girls,  I immediately chime in and make it known that none of that nonsense will take place.  Not with me around anyway.

Learning to Love Myself-Revenge of Eve

Having always been this way, I never thought to put a word to it. But when I thought about it, the words I did chose were all associated as negative describers and that part of me isn’t necessarily bad or negative. This only confirms one thing, I am not crazy. I do feel on a different spectrum/level than others.

The second I heard my friend use the term territorial in the same sentence as Candace, something clicked. A light flickered and everything seemed to come full circle at that moment. Here’s the circle…

” The things I am to discover about myself are not bad. I am not bad. I was just labeled that as a child growing up. Not only did I think I was because of my dad but also because no one’s parents would let them hang out with me. In my adult life, most of my friend’s boyfriends do not like it when their girlfriend hangs out with me (the insecure ones anyway).”

Candace Lynne

Intimidating and snobby are two words people have used to describe me, more than I’d like to admit.  Two of which, if I may say so myself, are words I’d rather not be associated with. Intimidating isn’t too harsh but snobby is something I have tried my whole life not to be. My dad is a snob. Yuck! When this has been said I didn’t have a rebuttal and now, I do!! I can see it now…

“I thought you were a snob”

“Ummm excuse me??? I am territorial” 😉

(Oh, my bad. I had a moment of role play there for a sec.)


Chit Chat

 

Some people do not like using words to describe them because they feel as though it attaches a label.  I cannot argue that labels are put on people, therefore, limiting their abilities but for me, they are necessary. 

Along this road I am traveling, I discover something new about myself daily.  In an effort to change the way I view myself it is vital that I do not consider things about my character as bad or wrong.

If you have ever suffered emotional abuse a common tendency is to belittle ourselves.  This is the opinion of the abuser not necessarily the opinion we have of ourselves.  It is this conditioning that requires us to take note of the way we talk to ourself, change it, and move forward.  Implementing change takes action and although sometimes difficult, in the end, we reap the benefits.

It is difficult to change any habit and I am finding the kinder I am to myself, the easier the climb.  We each have our own level of tolerance and should never look down upon someone for the choices they make along their journey.  You either accept certain things or you don’t and you move on.  Life is too short to be wasting time in situations with unresolved issues.


By no means has it been easy to get where I am, to be able to say this.  Awkward moments staring in the mirror trying to spit out, “you deserve better than this”, took a strength I had to verbally ask for.  This may seem small to some who may ” have had it worse” but for me,  being kind to myself is the biggest thing I’ve done yet.  Even quitting alcohol after 20+ years abuse seemed easier.

Revenge of Eve

Brokenness can be mended.  Not overnight and not without tears.  I share this not to brag but simply to restore one person’s faith in themselves.  I know if I can do it, you can too.  But you have to want too… Want to remove the chaos, sit in silence, look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your role in all of it.  Not as a source of blame but to find a true strength that will elevate you and carry you through.

Tomorrow will present its own set of obstacles but at least now I can approach them with myself on my side.  Lightening the load is half the battle. Learning how to love yourself without shrinking wins the battle.

💕Revenge of Eve