And while this transition may be painful I’ve realized where the struggle lies. I am letting go of the me I built to protect myself, the only me I know. I am learning to control myself. Not the things around me.
Call it 40, or whatever you’d like but I know for me, it’s awkward as fuck. I don’t know if you realize what I just said in that first paragraph but that shit is A LOT for me.!.!!!.!
I am ashamed to be myself and that is the damage done by my father wanting me to be someone I’m not. These revelations are coming to me in waves. And guess what?? I’m not drowning. Maybe I’m floating but so what, I’m aware, learning, growing and giving. I don’t want to resort to being a cold-hearted bitch because that’s not me so I’ve decided to do for those who are unable to do for themselves. Help them to believe in themselves. Give those a chance that others dispose of. I will prevail from this darkness a stronger person than I went in and when I do, I will be ready to be used as the vessel I chose to be.
For the record, I didn’t feel like that was me speaking but with confidence I publish this post. Not as a warning but as a prediction.
Tonight I will lay my head for sleep in peace. I have shown acts of kindness that I once thought I was robbed of. I allowed someones emergency to be more important than mine and most importantly, I have been kind to myself. Nervous. But kind.
Coming into oneself isn’t done so without a battle. You have to fight for who you know you are or have the potential to be. Don’t allow someone to project their fears onto you. That is not you. That is them. And never shame yourself for the choices you have made. You made those because simply those were the best choice of your options.
Continue to be kind to yourself Candace Lynne. You have a lot to offer.
For any length of time, you know my intentions are pure but my planning abilities, need some work. It’s evident I had Day One all nicely planned and ready to go. Day Two, not so much. 😂 but because I have time from now until shipment day, I can add as much stuff as I want to the packages 🙂 And I have a surprise for yall when the winner is announced. Whoop, whoop😂
So, until then…
I will photograph the final outgoing packages so everyone gets a looksie.
The advertisements found in this package are all sourced from estate sales and antique shop’s by yours truly. I seek and I destruct. I cut some to size, I undo binding, I dye each page if that is the desired look I am going for, I group similar images, I cut designer paper down to different sizes. All of this is done for you to have a nice variety to be used in your personal journals. I enjoy the process of doing all of these steps to provide products for my followers. Your support and patience mean the world to me.
I have hired someone to help me with assembling notebooks and putting products in their proper shipping bags. She is supportive of the future of my business and is accepting payment once the products are sold. I cannot wait until that is not the case 🙂 My medication is working but not to its full potential. But, honestly y’all, Thank you for being so patient as my mental health has bounced from extreme to extreme. Your support doesn’t waiver and you know what?? For someone who craves stability….y’all are the true MVP’s!!
The heat in Louisiana contributes to or is the root of, my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Despite the temperature of 95 degrees, I dread August, I feel the most like myself today, than I have in three months. That’s a lovely feeling.
I appreciate days like today because I hold onto them. I know there is a way to a better position in life and I hope to achieve that within myself. The battle with me must cease soon because it no longer serves a purpose. It’s time I live to love and relax and stop. Pause. That was one of my words for entering 2019 and I’ve derailed but slowly I shall revive myself from the numbness. As only I can.
I give myself permission to lay in bed for the rest of the day and watch a movie or documentary – like I have done the past two days – without feeling guilty!!!