Turn the Page

A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.


If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. 🙂

Revenge of Eve

P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person 🙂

S.Y.K.

Whaddup?!

Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.

This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.

Need help linking back to this post??

Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!


S.Y.K-Revenge of Eve

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

*As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?


My answers to last weeks questions:

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional? When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
  • Are you driven by motive? Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need? I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards? I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
Revenge of Eve

Are You Interested?

I am not asking that you be a professional in the business planning arena. If you have a basic understanding of how it works and you would like to volunteer a little guidance or trade services, please contact me.


Revenge of Eve
Please Spread the Word

This will not require a lot of your time. If you can offer an example of what a business plan for homemakers looks like, that would be all I need. I need direction, blank spaces to fill, and good juju.

Got any of those??

Take Five

Taking Care of Me!

I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.


Revenge of Eve

I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….

Revenge of Eve

I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…

It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.


❤

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K

revenge of eve

Think – Reblog – Share – Answer

This week on So You Know I am going to ask you to really think about your answers to the following questions. I also would like to say that I understand if you do not care to answer them publicly but I do ask you to reblog this post. Why? Because I think the questions I am going to ask need to be asked of others to encourage them to think about the way they (we) as individuals operate.

I only ask you to participate if you can be 100% honest. I feel that many, if they are being honest, will not want to share their answers.

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post
So You Know
So You Know

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional?
  • Are you driven by motive?
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need?
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time???
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards?

Last weeks S.Y.K. was a combination of gross and funny and I was surprised at the honesty of two of my fave’s… Ashley and Beckie. Thank you for participating each Monday and for being transparent with your followers.

Blogging Blah

For no reason at all…

I am complete blah when it comes to anything blog related. Certainly, I’m not alone as I am sure this occurs from time to time. It’s possible that I have too much on my plate or because I am working two jobs again… But I can make any excuse. The reality is I am not feel’n it right now.


I know this is just a phase because my love of writing combined with my need for connection overrides any thoughts of stopping. In fact that never crossed my mind.

If you have followed me for any amount of time, I am sure you have noticed my lack of commitment recently. If you haven’t, it has been on a decline for at least a month. If I really think about it, I lost my momentum after making the decision to stop NYAC. I’ve briefly felt this way before and I hope to regain interest soon but for now, I am just coasting.

I didn’t even open my laptop until 1 a.m.!! I went for almost 24 hours without checking WordPress or reading any post. I believe that is a first since I began blogging. It is times like this that make the decision to go self-hosted difficult.

Some people will tell you that self-hosted is cheaper and way better but after your first year your hosting fee per month doubles if not triples, that does not include the good plug-ins that help operate the backend of your blog, or newer-up-to-date themes. I was told by another blogger that on average if you want to have a successful site, it costs around $500 a year.

If I invested that each year, there would be no breaks nor would I feel ok with taking a step back. You aren’t guaranteed any income and if you don’t get a lot of traffic, you won’t make money.


Revenge of Eve -As I Fly
If you like this quote, feel free to share

I’ve had so much going through my head. I have been manic, off and on, for about 4 months now and I fear a gigantic crash. For some reason, my depression happens more so in the summer months than the other times of the year. That’s odd because I love sunshine but maybe it is the heat that does it to me. Idk but I do know I do not want to fall too far from where I am. Such is my reality.

It is this blah-ness towards blogging that has me fearing a fall. I know many of you will suggest medication and I am not against medication, I’m just not ready to get back on ’em so basically, I get what I deserve…

Moving past that, work has been slow and money isn’t what it needs to be. Actually, I am sure that is contributing to why I feel this way and it bothers me that my emotions are attached to monetary gain. I wish I lived in a world where being a good person meant you had no worries.

Looking at my current status as a whole I come to the conclusion that something has to change. The podcasts I listen to are having an enormous impact on me and I know this discomfort has to do with something I am ignoring and until it gains my attention or I seek it, I will remain dissatisfied. It sucks knowing that all of my problems are me. Because of me. That’s it.

Instead of whining about it I will do as suggested and ground myself. Be present – which is so freak’n hard by the way. This human condition is for the birds!!

Much love from me to you!