We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.
I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!
Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.
The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.
It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.
If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!
* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *
The Bloggers Bash Awards will be announced at 6 pm across the ocean!! Oh my! When is that here? That’s like soon maybe?!?!
Win or lose, I’ve already won! Simply being nominated was winning for me. So before the results are announced I would like to let y’all know I am forever grateful for your support and encouraging words. Y’all have fueled my journey.
Finding my voice has never been a challenge. My delivery…a different story. When your internal voice is cruel, the tendency to portray what you mean can be easily misconstrued as abrasive. It may as well be but because of you, I have learned that speaking kindly to myself has the ability to change my whole perspective on life. I call that a win!!
Thank you to each of you for every comment, like, email, donation, and follow. You can go to bed at night knowing that you have singlehandedly helped someone on their personal improvement journey and I hope to not let us down.!!..
Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.
This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.
Need help linking back to this post??
Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!
How much of what you do for other others is conditional?When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
Are you driven by motive?Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need?I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you…..A. look the other wayB. hang around to see if they receive helpC.jump to aid them without thoughtD.help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
Do you feelintegrityis a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards?I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.
I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….
I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…
It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.
This week on So You Know I am going to ask you to really think about your answers to the following questions. I also would like to say that I understand if you do not care to answer them publicly but I do ask you to reblog this post. Why? Because I think the questions I am going to ask need to be asked of others to encourage them to think about the way they (we) as individuals operate.
I only ask you to participate if you can be 100% honest. I feel that many, if they are being honest, will not want to share their answers.
I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:
There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)
A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
Pingback to any SYK post
How much of what you do for other others is conditional?
Are you driven by motive?
Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need?
If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time???
Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards?
Last weeks S.Y.K. was a combination of gross and funny and I was surprised at the honesty of two of my fave’s… Ashley and Beckie. Thank you for participating each Monday and for being transparent with your followers.
It isn’t necessary for you to always be doing, nor is it healthy. If you do, at some point, nothing becomes.
You are trying to force something into existence that isn’t ready…and neither are you.
What is necessary is the rest
What goes up must come down and your insistent resistance proves you need a break more than anything. Take the damn break. Step away from your phone, laptop, and all forms of technology to reboot.
Nourish your mind, body, and soul before it is too late. Crisis isn’t anecessary state, remember.
Be you separate from the outside factors. Start today. Whatever you think needs to be done can wait. Change your thought process and evaluate where you stand. What is being accomplished from this feverishly, constant state of go? You will find. ..nothing.
Even God takes a break – famous words of advice from Beckie
A list of ideas:
Read a book
Give yourself a manicure/pedicure
Take a nap
Watch a movie
Play in the rain
Hang out with a friend
Binge watch Netflix
Listen to podcast
Use this time of rest to connect with yourself
You are a work in progress and that process cannot be rushed.
If two strangers have the same negative experience with you, you need to check yourself…..
And then I went on to say that I encounter these type of women on a daily basis, in which I do but…
I do not take back nor apologize for what I said in the letter…but what I will do is acknowledge my part.
What the hell am I doing?
Is it the fact that I am manic? (I need to admit that to myself because it is what it is…right?) Today I am too much for people and I can see how. I have been medication free for almost three months so that sounds about right.
Back on my meds again, soon? As much as I hate it, it’s a possibility.
Hold up…do I hate it? If I did I would be curving to the temptations of astigmatism. I do not hate it. I am embracing It.
Sitting with it.
Allowing it to be just as it is.
This is my first ever omission to mania. I usually try to hoard it and keep it bottled in. In all honesty, it was this post on The Bipolar Writer, written by C.M. North, that cued me to tune in.
This is my first time to recognize, better yet, acknowledge the symptoms of my mania.
Everything is overwhelming. My senses are heightened and I feel…discombobulated.
Out of it.
Someone needs me.
I am forgetting something.
My mind races 1,000 mph.
I take things personally.
I am not in my lane.
I am in search of…..
This is when I unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. I am brutally honest, often unapologetically. My truth is being exposed so….fuck it, I’ll expose yours.
Paranoia sets in.
The whispers start. And it isn’t my imagination because they are talking about me. They talk about how I am mean, bossy, and a bitch yet they claim to not judge others or even better, they understand.
I don’t even understand.
I question if I should ride this wave a bit longer. But I know I shouldn’t because it affects everyone. Not just me.
I go to extremes and the fall…
the fall is brutal, puncturing any progress I’ve made along the way. As I rapidly type this, no really you should see my thumbs tapping away, I am putting together the puzzle of my life. My eyes are opening but the question that remains is,
Am I ready to not be this way? It’s all I know but all I am discovering. And all I wish to go away.
You may say, ” you act like you have a choice”.
I think I do and it is others who my mania effects negatively and maybe I am tired of dumbing myself down for them. No one cares that I am sensitive. Nope, all they remember are my words. Their truth.
Having a mental illness is a challenge. Having cooccurring disorders is torcher. The gravitational pull into the abyss is daunting. It glitters, inviting me into its embrace. The familiarity is the bait. The contentment, isolating. Before you know it, a hospital gown with no underwire bra. No drawstring pants. The exciting time of your day is med time.
We are caged.
After some research and sleep, I woke refreshed. There has been a huge shift with the moon. This explains everything. If you have followed R.O.E. for any length of time, you have heard me speak of the moon and the effects it has on me. This type of shift hasn’t happened in 9 years!!.
When I often discuss the way I feel with energy it is referred to as being an empath. I have never really liked calling myself that because it seems to be a trend of sorts. I do my best to stray away from the trends of our society.
Yesterday it was too much too handle. I wasn’t. Feeling what everyone else feels can be a gift but it can also be paralyzing.
I do wonder if I should stop labeling myself as bipolar. What we think, we become and this has always been my belief. Ironically I’ve not ever put it to good use.
I don’t say that because I am in denial. It is the stigmatism attached that is negative and that in itself weighs on me. I understand that not everyone feels to the extremes in which I do but what about that makes me ill? Or disordered?
I am tackling these types of things on a daily basis as I grow in my understanding of who I am. It is a struggle to feel everything but I am realizing that I would rather this than to be medicated. It’s sad that being thrown into a hospital is the solution for those of us who have yet to set interpersonal boundaries for ourselves.
Imagine if you will… You walk into a room and you are technically “happy”. Suddenly you are hit with a sense of anger and confusion. And from there you navigate around the area and begin feeling feelings of sadness and before you know, you’ve jumped back to happy all within a 30-minute time frame. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot. This is what I experience if I do not put up barriers.
I had gotten really good at putting up walls to not allow everything to impact me. Slowly I’ve let them down not remembering why I had initially built them. Now….. I raise them which is much easier said than done.
Although I may not understand what is going on, I am fully aware that my life is shifting. As I reread this it jumps all over the place but there is legit sense to it. I just hope I come out on the better end of things. Kinder to myself and more open to others. Right now the fog that lifts is one of pain. I don’t want to be calloused. I want to love. Starting with myself.