Drowning, Differently

Mental Health & Recovery

Do Different!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. And so…, today, I did different. Not – I wanted to do different but I DID differently.

Having a morning routine is something I have wanted to give a go for about a year now and this morning, I had a tech-free morning that included writing my thoughts, indexing my day, and meditating. How amazing is that?!?!

Last night we had a total solar eclipse and it was a new moon. Tapping into my “energy life”, I have researched the energy of the moon. From as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to the night sky. The moon and stars heal my being like the ocean does for some. Give me a blanket, surrounded by trees and a sky lit with the moon and stars and I am a happy girl. I figure there has to be more to it than that and so I Googled.

Do Different- Revenge of Eve

I have kept pretty quiet about my findings because I’m not particularly looking for opinions on the matter but I must say, me and the moon…we are close pals. I have now done a full moon ritual (last month) and last night I did my first new moon ritual. No, it isn’t witchcraft. It involves setting intentions and releasing things that no longer serve you – oh, and using sage to clear the air.

I drop that tidbit of info because it is something new I am doing and what’s the point in introducing new into my life if my routines and daily habits remain the same?? I’ll answer that for you – there is no point!!

Whatever it is that you do or believe or…yeah, whatever you do…it is the intention behind what you are doing and the follow up behind the intention that makes the difference. And allow you to claim your sanity as a bonus.

Today felt significantly lighter for me. I realize I have been quiet lately and I even skipped out on S.Y.K. this week, my apologies. To ease any worries, it is because I am processing a ton of…well, bullshit. Bullshit that I do not have a clue of what exactly it is I am dealing with. This phase has been difficult but I am trying my damnedest to respond kindly to myself – even if all that is, is tears, lots and lots of tears. I thought I was emerging but I am afraid I am barely hanging on some days. I am experiencing changes that I didn’t prepare for and even more weird, I don’t even know what changes I am talking about BUT I do know some things are changing within me and around me.

I know this too shall pass and I suppose it is the immediate gratification receptors that want it to pass now but I also know good things take time. I feel as though this transition began in 2017 and I am working diligently for things to smooth out. All I have is time. As much as I know all of this, I feel as though I am drowning, differently.


Published a day after written

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K.

Life & Relationships

So You Know

S.Y.K.

Whaddup, y’all?


Not too much here. Crazy Pieces moon has my house an emotional rollercoaster!! But it’s a good ride because I am shedding my skin. I am growing and I’ll take that anyway I can get it. Kid too!!

I’ve spent the day doing as any empowered woman does by bleaching the shit out of my space. Sheets, comforter, bathroom…ya know, wiping away any reminiscence of those emotions, yeah, those. Then Kid and I sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful sunny skies with a breeze and minimal humidity – I am so grateful for those commodities in life. We forget that it is those details we take for granted.


Mine and Kid's feet propped up on our back porch wall-Revenge of Eve
Back porch life

*Us girls stick together through mess*


And on to the reason you stopped by!

This week’s questions will be a round of lighthearted questions because who really wants to think? Not this chick (Y’all should hear my chicken cawl – no really)!!

Never participated in S.Y.K? Alright then…here are the loose guidelines:

  1. Publish a post on your website/blog answering today’s questions OR drop your answers in the comment section below.
  2. Create a pingback to this weeks edition. Don’t know how? Hit me up through my Chat menu. I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy.
  3. Be honest.
Mirror reflection of myself-graphic design-Revenge of Eve

Simple, Easy, Fun, Supportive!

This week’s questions

  • Do you like creamer with your tea or coffee?
  • What year were you born?
  • What things would you never pair together (clothes, objects, colors..)?
  • Does color represent certain beliefs/ideas for you?
  • If someone is getting on your nerves, how do you handle it?


My answers to last week’s questions

Answering these are me being vulnerable. And I’m sure I will be vague. Js.

He said he respected me and didn't want to insult my intelligence.  Wow! Do you know how honest that is?  And how bad it hurt for the me that is dying.-R.O.E.

The me that is dying is the teen who accepted less because she thought that’s what she deserved. Rejection. My kryptonite. Except this time a broken one, like myself, valued me enough to compliment me so I can see my worth and send me on my way. That shit doesn’t happen everyday but I accepted it for what it’s worth. My value. My growth and my evolution.



  1. Have you ever had a relationship with someone that you could not touch (Due to circumstance or distance)? Sort of. I was well on my way.
  2. If so, how did y’all meet? Our stories have been intertwined since childhood and then connected in a not-so-good loop of tragedy in our early twenties.
  3. Do you believe a relationship can survive without physical touch? I couldn’t.
  4. What types of relationships have surprised you (Close friend, brothers childhood friend, web friends)? My only best friend still by my side and most likely because he is man. My freshman year in high school two seniors with cowboy hats walk up to the truck I was in with two thugs and asked if I needed a ride home by some real men. Lmao. Naturally I stayed sat where I was. Soon after I arrived at home to the two of them sitting on the tailgate of a truck drinking beer in my driveway. I ended up dating one of them for a short period of time and the other….well, he’s been next to me ever since (pictured below).
  5. If you have ever had an experience that was not typical of traditional dating methods, what made it different and how long did it last? What I was recently involved in was far from typical and it lasted a month-ish. The rest of the details I’ll leave up to your imagination. 🙂
Me and my best friend, Snotty-Revenge of Eve
Candace & Snotty (Matt)

Back on Track

Personal Growth & Goals

Distracted

We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.

I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!

Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.

The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.

It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.


If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!

(6.23.19)

* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *

revenge of eve-letter143

6.23.19

Life & Relationships

Thank you for doing for me what I haven’t found the strength to do for myself

I will get there though

And I’ll have you to thank for this day

I will sit with this sadness instead of wishing it away

Because you do mean something to me

What that is, I’m not so sure

I want for you to accept your situation and for you to escape it but you choose your prison and that is something I cannot change

Although feelings were forming, I never forgot who you are but that’s what is so beautiful about acceptance

It just is

Breaking free from the roles others have placed on you is scary

Believe me, I know

From warrior to Queen hasn’t come without it’s challenges

But once you taste its freedom, you can’t go back

You deserve peace from a life of pain but as bad as I want that for you, I cannot force something on you that you do not know exists

Where you live breeds evilness and its power is stronger than me

But one day, you’ll see

And when you do

I hope you know

It’s me

Bye Sweets

Revenge of Eve

So You Know + A Lil More Info..

Life & Relationships

First things first

A big congrats to Sneha’s Expression – For Women for taking home the 2019 Bloggers Bash Award for Personal Development Blog. You can check out all of the other winners on The Bloggers Bash Website. I would also like to say congratulations to all of those who were nominated. It takes a special person to go out of their way to nominate another blogger for an award and an equally as special blogger to be nominated.

Being nominated was the highlight of my 2019!!! Thank you all who nominated and or voted for R.O.E.


S.Y.K.

So You Know is a series that goes live each and every Monday (well 95% of the time). It’s a series intended to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers. To participate is simple.

  • Create a post on your site answering the week’s questions OR post your answers in the comment section below.
  • Create a pingback to this weeks version of S.Y.K. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll walk you through it.
  • All that is asked: be honest 🙂


    This Weeks Questions

    1. Have you ever had a relationship with someone that you could not touch (Due to circumstance or distance)?
    2. If so, how did y’all meet?
    3. Do you believe a relationship can survive without physical touch?
    4. What types of relationships have surprised you (Close friend, brothers childhood friend, web friends)?
    5. If you have ever had an experience with a relationship that was not typical of dating methods, what made it different and how long did y’all last?

    My answers to last weeks questions

    1. How often, if ever, do you feel ruled by your emotions? Everyday!! Not a good thing. I am working on my emotional maturity, one day at a time.
    2. Does your mood decide your productivity level? I would have to say more so yes than no but not necessarily. Lol. Sometimes I can be in the best mood and not accomplish a damn thing but if I’m in a bad mood, count me out.
    3. Are you bipolar or do you have another behavioral diagnosis? Actually, I was recently misdiagnosed bipolar. There is a thin line that determines so and my addictive qualities were showing themselves resulting in a misdiagnosis. I am ADHD which makes the most sense to me as far as I am concerned.
    4. How do you respond to having a not-so-good day? (Sleep, cry, nothing). Depending on the severity. I can sleep for days or cry.
    5. If you could give your moods names, what would they be?

    -Anger: Ruth

    -Sadness: Sally

    -Joyful: Holly

    -Blah: Bertha

    -Excited: Candace ❤

    An Update On Life

    Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

    Still here, just…

    Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

    With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

    We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

    I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

    I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

    Revenge of Eve

    It’s me!!

    All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

    Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

    Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

    **It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

    And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

    I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

    Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.


    ❤❤❤

    But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

    Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

    Revenge of Eve

    revenge of eve-letter143

    6.9.19

    Life & Relationships

    Revenge of Eve

    Having a curious mind

    tends to take my thoughts

    and press rewind.

    Among those thoughts

    are questions

    without

    answers.

    Some of which

    have consumed

    years

    of my life.

    And

    still

    No answers.

    Detaching from my thoughts

    I find peace

    Yet

    brought back

    to question

    Where am I to muster the strength

    to be

    what my daughter

    needs

    me to be

    when others break

    her heart?

    I have no

    hope

    to offer

    for saying it won’t happen

    again

    would be a lie.

    And the

    thoughts

    churn.

    When will this world heal?

    How can I protect my only

    from broken others?

    I can only

    beg and plead

    she not become

    as calloused as

    Me.

    Working on Us

    Mental Health & Recovery

    Working on Us

    There is a new series presented by Beckie of the blog Beckie’s Mental Mess. If you are not following her journey, you are missing out!! If you have ever read the comment section of any given post here on R.O.E., you will have read Beckie’s input.

    As a very supportive blogger and friend dear to me, I am honored she reached out and asked me to participate in her series. These days my blogging life is hit and miss and I appreciate the personal invite. This is the first of the first as Beckie’s first prompt challenge. Her intentions are to target the mental health community of bloggers.

    Here, I’ll let her do the explaining…


    RULES:

    Each week I will ask a question or questions pertaining to mental health or I will even go as far as posting a surprise. Your job if you so choose to join along, is to write a post on your own blog, and creating a ping-back to the original post.

    It is up to you the reader to decide if you want to write a non-fictional or fictional piece, poetry, short prose… Whatever you like and/or whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Whatever you choose to do, I will, therefore, reblog what you have written. This is one way to not only promote your site but also spread awareness to all things mental health related.

    As an added bonus… Since there are so many different mental health illnesses/disorders, YOU, the blogger can send me a comment as to what you would like to be the next question (s), and they will be addressed in future posts.

    What is the reason behind the “Mental Health Prompt of “Working on Us” (?) It’s fairly simple actually. I’d like this series to be an all-inclusive mental health community blog in order to be a source of more support towards one another. Idea’s, suggestions, and advice can be shared amongst the group.

    So, Are We Ready? I am going to start with two prompts. You can pick one or both, and again, you can choose how you want this to be written.

    ~*~

    Prompt #1 – Question:

    When you first found out that you had a mental illness/disorder, what was your first reaction? Explain, how this new revelation regarding your health affected you?

    Prompt #2 – Picture:

    Revenge of Eve

    Reminder: This is the first time I conducting “Prompts” so forgive me if I’m doing something wrong. 🙄

    Select one or the other or both prompts. Write your own non-fictional, or fictional piece, or poetry, short story, (Whatever you want), then create a ping-back or copy your post and enter it in the comment section of this post.


    There ya have it, straight from the horse’s mouth!!

    And now for my part 💕


    Some see a season

    I see a twist

    Do I dare speak

    on what I see?

    As you sit there

    and stare

    I do see

    what you see

    And

    It’s never compared

    Different

    And you see

    I was raised to believe

    that me being me

    was different

    And

    something

    I

    shouldn’t

    be

    Mental anguish

    has broken me

    Hail to

    today

    I shall say

    as I see

    A side profile

    that represents a space

    that houses the brain

    Is it a tree you see?

    Do you see…

    snow on the ground?

    I see a broken soul

    Dead

    Are those crows you see?

    I see repetitive thoughts

    circling

    or maybe

    birds of prey

    feeding off the carcass

    of the soul

    With footprints leaving their mark

    Proof

    a soul was

    once there

    My vision stripped

    bare

    Because of you

    I dare

    and

    share.

    revenge of eve-letter143

    6.2.19

    Personal Growth & Goals

    The first week of summer comes to an end today and I must say it has been enjoyable. The quality time spent with my daughter is priceless and watching her develop a work ethic is admirable. Everything went as smooth as possible and I look forward to the next week she is here. We have a goal set to work toward as a reward for our hard work. We will reap its benefits early October and it will be a memory making time to be had. I look forward to it.

    Things with myself are taking a turn for the better as I have opened myself to the possibilities of living not existing. I see positive changes on the horizon and even a possibility for happiness – one that I’ve never had.

    Today I love the person I am becoming and I have faith in her and her ideas.