Not sure how I missed this as the date today but today is two years for Revenge of Eve! Wow!!
Not sure how I missed this as the date today but today is two years for Revenge of Eve! Wow!!
That’s right folks! I have a few entries completed in my #julyjournalchallenge and today I shall give y’all a peek!! Yay!
Before I begin, allow me to refer to the basics of this challenge. Initially, I had planned to create four individual inserts to record, plan, and create in. It just so happened that four wasn’t necessary.
I created a standard size insert and a passport insert. I then used a store bought calendar insert. This totals three inserts that were used to help me organize and promote creativity in my life. The two I created are my July insert and a writing insert (pictured below). The passport size insert is where I write life’s little synchronicity’s, ah ha moments or things I have tied together as a result of patterned behavior.
The July insert is where I have been expressing my creativity and trying new things, exploring my own creativity. The goal in doing so is to build trust in my own ideas and assist in developing my style. Both inserts are being used for the July Journal Challenge prompts (below). The same goes for being used to record specific events that have happened this month.
When I created the list of prompts, I chose random ideas and typed ’em up. That became apparent the first time I sat down to create. But hey, the only way you learn is by jumping in! And so I did. I think randomness keeps it interesting but I also like to have more of a themed guide. I suppose I will figure it out as I go.
This month has been a pretty rough one and when that is the case, my focus is zilch, however, I am on an increased dose of the new medication- I start the new mg tomorrow….let’s hope it works. Lord knows I need something because the thoughts in this head have nooooo direction. They begin, the whole plan is thought through and after a nights rest, barely visited again 😞 (sigh). Example: I have 41 draft posts!?!?
I feel like I may be distancing myself too much from the habit of blogging. Writing is my chosen medium of art. Words do something for me that cannot be explained but I am also trying to explore other avenues of creativity and until I discover my style, I won’t be satisfied. I suppose its like finding your voice as a blogger/writer. Stepping out of my comfort zone is, well, stepping out of my comfort zone but I am enjoying myself. The lack of focus does get to me though. It’s frustrating.
I have so much I want to share but in an effort to keep some focus, I take photos and hope to remember the process so that I can eventually write a shitload of material. And I mean a shitload!! I would literally have content for a year if I went solely off the photos I’ve been snapping over the 14 months of my creative journey. Like probably daily material. I’ll bookmark that idea..lol.
As an addition to my creative skills, I’ve recently taught myself about using a scanner. Like… ok, where the hell was I when this brilliant technology was given to us?? Because ummmm, can you say addicted?!?!? Sheesh! I really have so much going on but the great thing is, it all revolves around paper. So that is a plus for me and y’all because guess what??? I will be having a nice giveaway soon!! Yay…oh, and fingers crossed, some digital products 🙂 but I’m not going to spoil the surprises. Note to self: you should’ve put that in the newsletter you haven’t written in three months – gggrrrr. See! TOO MUCH! Anyone wanna be a virtual life assistant? 😂😂
I’ve come to realize that what is lacking in adulting is the use of our imagination. Today, I hope you search for the gold at the end of the rainbow. Because I will be. Always.
Losing hope isn’t an option and yet it seems to be the first I let go of. I am worn out from trying to stay afloat. Complaining with no action is pity and that is where I am. I can’t seem to do anything about this phase and yet I am resisting it with all my might. I’m tired. Tired of bitching, tired of crying, tired of…life. My body is exhausted and my mind; blank. I do not know what to do next. I try to not focus on the shit storm that is my existence and yet that’s it. I vaguely remember my summers being this way but I have also been on antidepressants so maybe they haven’t been as bad as this. So, I am on day two of my antidepressants – again.
I have never minded taking them. It was the antipsychotic I wanted to quit and somehow ceased taking the antidepressant along the way. My sister has moved in and while I love her a ton, I’m not excited because it displaces my daughter from her room. She isn’t here that much but it takes away her personal space and she isn’t happy about it, to say the least. I’ve been trying to prepare her for this day but really how can one prepare for it? She will have her own space but it is a work in progress. I have done nothing in regards to help making her a space of her own because I physically cannot at this point because…fuck, I can’t. I’m broke.
I am sitting in my designated studio space and it is the first time I have sat here in a week or so. Sure I’ve sat here but immediately I get up. I have no inspiration. I want to create to release whatever this pain is but instead I get up. What bothers me the most at this point is that I have nothing of value to write about. I feel like Debbie Downer and I don’t like putting depressing shit out into the universe but it is my reality and if I only put out Polly Positivity, I’d be lying.
Shortly after typing the above paragraphs I laid down and slept…more. I guess I need it. It’s all I want to do and the last thing I want to do. My body feels like it is shutting down without my permission. People have a hard time believing our mental health affects our physical state but I am living proof that it most certainly does.
I am going to try and put out an S.Y.K. tomorrow but I have two appointments and Kid so no promises. I will reach out and ask that y’all keep me in your thoughts and thank you for any good, positive vibrations you can send my way. I need them. I will drink me some water and hang on for tomorrow. Let’s hope that gets me through because giving up is not an option.
I miss me.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. And so…, today, I did different. Not – I wanted to do different but I DID differently.
Having a morning routine is something I have wanted to give a go for about a year now and this morning, I had a tech-free morning that included writing my thoughts, indexing my day, and meditating. How amazing is that?!?!
Last night we had a total solar eclipse and it was a new moon. Tapping into my “energy life”, I have researched the energy of the moon. From as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to the night sky. The moon and stars heal my being like the ocean does for some. Give me a blanket, surrounded by trees and a sky lit with the moon and stars and I am a happy girl. I figure there has to be more to it than that and so I Googled.
I have kept pretty quiet about my findings because I’m not particularly looking for opinions on the matter but I must say, me and the moon…we are close pals. I have now done a full moon ritual (last month) and last night I did my first new moon ritual. No, it isn’t witchcraft. It involves setting intentions and releasing things that no longer serve you – oh, and using sage to clear the air.
I drop that tidbit of info because it is something new I am doing and what’s the point in introducing new into my life if my routines and daily habits remain the same?? I’ll answer that for you – there is no point!!
Whatever it is that you do or believe or…yeah, whatever you do…it is the intention behind what you are doing and the follow up behind the intention that makes the difference. And allow you to claim your sanity as a bonus.
Today felt significantly lighter for me. I realize I have been quiet lately and I even skipped out on S.Y.K. this week, my apologies. To ease any worries, it is because I am processing a ton of…well, bullshit. Bullshit that I do not have a clue of what exactly it is I am dealing with. This phase has been difficult but I am trying my damnedest to respond kindly to myself – even if all that is, is tears, lots and lots of tears. I thought I was emerging but I am afraid I am barely hanging on some days. I am experiencing changes that I didn’t prepare for and even more weird, I don’t even know what changes I am talking about BUT I do know some things are changing within me and around me.
I know this too shall pass and I suppose it is the immediate gratification receptors that want it to pass now but I also know good things take time. I feel as though this transition began in 2017 and I am working diligently for things to smooth out. All I have is time. As much as I know all of this, I feel as though I am drowning, differently.
Published a day after written
I am finding this time of my life extremely difficult. Each time I feel as though I advance on a spiritual level, something material or childish, immature behavior on behalf of others, pulls me down. I want to run away. Sell my car and live on the streets. This race to maintain and all the glory given to the almighty dollar has my life in shambles. Do you know how it feels to say “I am unhappy. I want to quit my job” and to have your mother remind you that you have bills?? Because she “wants to mentor me”. Are you fucking kidding me? Mentor a 40-year-old?!! For crying out loud, it’s a little fuck’n late don’tcha think???
And life with a teen is pure bliss. If I see her. She’s in and out. When she’s in, she’s laid up in her room without a care in the world. The world spins for her and what else is there to do? Or that’s what I assume she thinks because hell, I have no clue what she thinks. Every time I think I do, I get it wrong.
Do you ever feel like there is always someone standing over your shoulder criticizing every step you take? That’s what life feels like for me and it fuck’n sucks!!! Because if we gonna do that, I got a list for them too…but I do not want to feed into that energy but…Did I mention it fuck’n sucks? No one wants to evaluate themselves. They’d rather point out everything you do “wrong”. I’m over it!!
I’d like to touch on gossiping and I mean barely skim over the subject: GROW SOME BALLS AND COMMUNICATE!!! And to the two-faced people out there…grow the fuck up. You think you are slick?? You are a waste of time. Stop trying to snake your way into friendships because who you truly are will soon surface.
I’m going to take a nap and try again. Let’s hope I feel better when I wake up because right now….
We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.
I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!
Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.
The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.
It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.
If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!
* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *
Thank you for doing for me what I haven’t found the strength to do for myself
I will get there though
And I’ll have you to thank for this day
I will sit with this sadness instead of wishing it away
Because you do mean something to me
What that is, I’m not so sure
I want for you to accept your situation and for you to escape it but you choose your prison and that is something I cannot change
Although feelings were forming, I never forgot who you are but that’s what is so beautiful about acceptance
It just is
Breaking free from the roles others have placed on you is scary
Believe me, I know
From warrior to Queen hasn’t come without it’s challenges
But once you taste its freedom, you can’t go back
You deserve peace from a life of pain but as bad as I want that for you, I cannot force something on you that you do not know exists
Where you live breeds evilness and its power is stronger than me
But one day, you’ll see
And when you do
I hope you know
A big congrats to Sneha’s Expression – For Women for taking home the 2019 Bloggers Bash Award for Personal Development Blog. You can check out all of the other winners on The Bloggers Bash Website. I would also like to say congratulations to all of those who were nominated. It takes a special person to go out of their way to nominate another blogger for an award and an equally as special blogger to be nominated.
Being nominated was the highlight of my 2019!!! Thank you all who nominated and or voted for R.O.E.
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