Acceptance is just that.
The present moment offers dreams.
Answers to questions to unsolved curiosities are found.
The presence of love can be found.
An alternate perception is had.
A flower’s scent is sensed.
An airplane heard.
A baby soothed.
Growth from within felt.
Positive energy flows.
Consciousness you’ll know.
Awareness is experienced on a whole new level.
A wholeness is felt.
A oneness seems possible.
Hope is restored.
On this full moon’s night my mind, of course, takes flight. Resembling a warrior fighting their toughest of fights, I stay present with all my might. Moments of times past try to haunt my efforts of remaining present and so I fight. I smell the scent of the flowers, I feel the breeze from the storm that is rolling in. The goosebumps take over my skin with each lightning strike. Tonight these moments give me hope. A hope that wavers with each passing second. A hope that holds tight and reminds me what it is I love about full moons night.
To my only child:
We share the same moon and when you look at it know that I look at it too. No matter the distance that is in between, together forever we will be. Despite the wedge those drive between our bond, the universe knows where each of us belongs. My heart sings only one song. It is that of a mom who wants only the best yet who stands buried by life’s test. I know in my heart the moon cleanses the rest. My sincerest love is all I have to give, this I confess. Momma loves you although times are stressed and I hope you realize such with the energy of tonight’s full moon that my love for you never rests. – Momma loves you Luce ❤
It’s coming soon
It’d be easier if I let it
But you see
That’s the problem.
I have some control
And give me any,
I take it all
holding shit up.
Why can’t I just let things
And go naturally.
I am trying not to beat myself up over the fact that much of what I wanted to accomplish this year is not happening. In my best attempt to remain optimistic about the future while not focusing on the future, I am struggling. Reality is setting in today as I sit here suffering from an extreme migraine.
I was forced to call out of work today due to a migraine and ever since waking, I have spiraled downward at a rate of speed that is not controllable. I feel like
some most days I am pretending. Pretending that everything is ok when in fact, it is not. Yes I have listened to a life changing podcast but that does not erase 40 years of unhealthy coping skills. It does not undo the negative self-talk that repeatedly plays in my head and it will not remove this headache from throbbing or the clinching of my jaw or the fact I am just pissed off right now. At what? Everything. For being who I am. For allowing others to influence how I feel or dictate what I do, for allowing myself a day without work, whether that be at my job or for the things I do at home, even though I have been forced too by a headache.
It bothers me that I have spread myself so thin that I want to quit everything I’ve committed to (with one exception). It really fuck’n bothers me that I am considering publishing this post of nothing but bitching. I normally try my best to not put out ranting posts because there is plenty of that already but some days I feel as though I deserve one or two a year when in fact what exactly gives me this impression anyways?
Every thought I have comes with a contradicting thought. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity when in fact I am in intolerable pain.. level 9 for those who would like a number, and my best bet is to go back to sleep but nothing will be accomplished by doing that either. But whatever happens today will be prevented from being accomplished by this nasty attitude and this screaming migraine. This screen is killing my light sensitive eyes.
Adding to the cesspool of shit I am currently in, my daughter has her first shot at a state title for track tomorrow and as it appears, I will not be able to attend. The event is four hours away. I took off of work for this but my migraines have a tendency to draw out over two sometimes three days. I cannot be anymore of a disappointment to her. I can’t take all of this. Not today, not today.
I’m on one
In a mood
throughout the day
My body temperature is higher than normal
Outside the sun shines and a fragrant breeze blows
Just yesterday I was on the
As i learn
I set aside my pride
Shutting down the chatter
Only this moment
I am ready to let go of the attachment
that has caused me to quit giving.
I am a giving person
and do so with thought
I am ready to rid myself of
I am not good enough.
I am ready to initiate change in my life
trust the outcome.
I have stopped trying to find
Allowing it to be.
I am stepping from behind
what everyone expects,
Me to be.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to tell your child that life gets better?
Of course, and mean it.
I can’t even imagine the sight of a world where that would be true.
My faith in humanity is put to the test on a daily basis,
mere moments after being restored.
Without such tug-a-war,
Our lives are sure to bore.
If only evolution lessened the pain.
How can we change a society who sees nothing more to gain?
Our lives structured in time frame.
If I teach my child kindness,
Won’t you do the same?
I would be lying if I claimed to be happy, today. It truly sucks that this existence of mine is shared with others who lie, cheat, steal, judge, envy, plot, and watch with bated breath for another to fall. When the fuck will we rise to help all?
This world breaks my heart and I often don’t want any part. The moment I trust or rely on another, I am shown the ugliness that is man. Not sure how much more I can stand.
We are not supposed to expect, but can’t we begin with mutual respect?