Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?
Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.
You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.
As of this moment, I am in mini vacay mode and omg, does it feel…like, a panicky-calm. I know. I know.
But it’s true. I panic because I am waiting for the day I just say, “I’m not going back”. The day where I give into my dream of camping through life. Living rugged. Earthy. Outside. Weathered.
But inspired everyday from what my senses feel around me.
While I am a fiery force to deal with I am a country girl at heart. Not a cow girl. I am a nature lover. I could ditch every form of communication and live like a frontier person. Yeah, it’d take some getting used too but I know I’d be more fulfilled than I am currently.
It seems when things become instant, gratitude goes out the window.
We are experiencing temperatures that we haven’t experienced in over 100 years. Today is as magnificent as any day to be grateful.
I am having complete thoughts.
Hot mess express today folks!! 😂😂
I kinda don’t know what to think about that.
I’m in the mood to say some shit people don’t say. That usually makes for an interesting day. If you’re a man, avoid me (my bad fellas).
Tonight I will lay my head for sleep in peace. I have shown acts of kindness that I once thought I was robbed of. I allowed someones emergency to be more important than mine and most importantly, I have been kind to myself. Nervous. But kind.
Coming into oneself isn’t done so without a battle. You have to fight for who you know you are or have the potential to be. Don’t allow someone to project their fears onto you. That is not you. That is them. And never shame yourself for the choices you have made. You made those because simply those were the best choice of your options.
Continue to be kind to yourself Candace Lynne. You have a lot to offer.
On my two year blogging anniversary I question, “Can I recover?”.
But I will not ruminate on such thought because I am a warrior. I have no choice but to fight for myself. No one else will.
This too shall pass.
And when it does, I have learned and earned my growth.
That day is worth working towards.
I am finding this time of my life extremely difficult. Each time I feel as though I advance on a spiritual level, something material or childish, immature behavior on behalf of others, pulls me down. I want to run away. Sell my car and live on the streets. This race to maintain and all the glory given to the almighty dollar has my life in shambles. Do you know how it feels to say “I am unhappy. I want to quit my job” and to have your mother remind you that you have bills?? Because she “wants to mentor me”. Are you fucking kidding me? Mentor a 40-year-old?!! For crying out loud, it’s a little fuck’n late don’tcha think???
And life with a teen is pure bliss. If I see her. She’s in and out. When she’s in, she’s laid up in her room without a care in the world. The world spins for her and what else is there to do? Or that’s what I assume she thinks because hell, I have no clue what she thinks. Every time I think I do, I get it wrong.
Do you ever feel like there is always someone standing over your shoulder criticizing every step you take? That’s what life feels like for me and it fuck’n sucks!!! Because if we gonna do that, I got a list for them too…but I do not want to feed into that energy but…Did I mention it fuck’n sucks? No one wants to evaluate themselves. They’d rather point out everything you do “wrong”. I’m over it!!
I’d like to touch on gossiping and I mean barely skim over the subject: GROW SOME BALLS AND COMMUNICATE!!! And to the two-faced people out there…grow the fuck up. You think you are slick?? You are a waste of time. Stop trying to snake your way into friendships because who you truly are will soon surface.
I’m going to take a nap and try again. Let’s hope I feel better when I wake up because right now….
Thank you for doing for me what I haven’t found the strength to do for myself
I will get there though
And I’ll have you to thank for this day
I will sit with this sadness instead of wishing it away
Because you do mean something to me
What that is, I’m not so sure
I want for you to accept your situation and for you to escape it but you choose your prison and that is something I cannot change
Although feelings were forming, I never forgot who you are but that’s what is so beautiful about acceptance
It just is
Breaking free from the roles others have placed on you is scary
Believe me, I know
From warrior to Queen hasn’t come without it’s challenges
But once you taste its freedom, you can’t go back
You deserve peace from a life of pain but as bad as I want that for you, I cannot force something on you that you do not know exists
Where you live breeds evilness and its power is stronger than me
But one day, you’ll see
And when you do
I hope you know