From Conception to Toddler

I keep racking my brain on ways to honor my daughter for the month of February and I seem to fall short on ideas.

So I figured I would make a list of my memories from her conception through her toddler years.

Naming her

When naming her, we decided early on that we liked the name, Kobe. And yes, because of Kobe Bryant. I knew that she had to have a name of Irish descent and Erin fit perfectly with Kobe. This name could be used for a male or female by changing the spelling.

During my pregnancy, we went back and forth but always found our way back to Kobi Erynn, with an I instead of an e and Erynn vs Erin. I’ve always had a knack for unique spellings.

When I found out that I would be induced I looked up birthdays of famous people on that date and low and behold, she shares a birthday with the late Bob Marley. Marley Brooke became an option as far as names go but inevitably when she was born, she was Kobi Erynn.

Her name means: finest grade-origin: Japanese(Kobe) of peace-origin: Irish (Erynn)

Other interesting decisions

While I was carrying my little bambino I decided there would be no pink in her assorted collage of life. I chose purple and yellow as the colors to theme her newborn life. Not intentionally because of the Lakers or LSU but that is what came to mind once that decision was made.

When she arrived much to my surprise she didn’t even weigh 6 pounds! So all of the clothes I had packed for her didn’t fit except ONE soft, powder pink sweet pea outfit that had a kitten on it. How did that sneak past my radar??? I’ll never know but as soon as we put it on her I fell in love with pink… For her anyway.

When it came time to do some shopping, pink it was!! We had to buy at least a few nighties and outfits due to her being so small but besides that, she was set until she was two on clothes. Mint green, yellow and pale colors look beautiful with her skin tone. She has a red undertone to her brown skin that comes from the Native American on both sides of our families.

From Conception to Toddler-Revenge of Eve

Toddler years

On Kids second birthday she got a big girl bed, a twin, with a hot pink comforter, bright flowers, and pillow shams. On this day she put on a pair of big girl panties and slept in her bed. She never once wet the bed!!

*funny puzzle that took 13 years to solve: She used to call a diaper a bop-a-net, said as I spelled it. None of us could figure out where she got the name bopanet so we just went along with it.  For years we tried to figure it out until one day I just so happened to be discussing her calling it that and when I said the word, it made sense….she was trying to say diaper wet!!! A light went off and it was solved, 13 years later!

She never wore a pull-up and never wet the bed. She did not like to be wet, ever. As soon as she figured out that getting a diaper meant she got changed, it was over. We went through so many diapers, it was a relief to put her in panties.

Always wearing cowboy “boops” and panties she pranced around and if she had on clothes, she had on heels. Lol. These little plastic heels, jelly-like, with a rubber section on the bottom to prevent sliding, with butterfly wings that form to make the toe section.

She had to have every color. Clear, pink, blue and purple. Lucky for me they were only $3. She wore them for almost three years. Each time she grew in size, we had to get new heels. She could run fast and stairs were no prob, you could hear her coming a mile away….click, click, click.

Water baby

At three months old, my best friends Mom blew in Kobi’s face and dunked her underwater. I couldn’t watch. Much to my surprise, she didn’t cry. From that moment on she has loved every second of being in the water. At eighteen months old she could swim without floaties.

She would jump off the diving board with me wading in front of the board. I never let her swim to me. She had to jump to me and then swim to the side with me close behind. This was to teach her to not depend on me being there. The rule was if she wanted to jump off the board without me there, she had to do so without floaties. The floaties were thrown out the summer after her turning two.!! People would stare in awe at her little legs as she jumped off the diving board and swam her little body to the side without supervision. I was there but I wasn’t in the water for her to jump too.

People would come up to me and ask how I did it and my response was I taught her not to fear the water, by laying her on her back, and how to kick, the rest, she did. One summer she was set on learning how to swim using above water strokes. She did it. All except the butterfly stroke.

From a very young age, I have watched her set her mind to do something and achieve it. Often times learning much quicker than I had imagined possible. This trait she has carried throughout her life. If she applies herself, she can conquer whatever it is she sets her mind too.

She makes it easy to be proud.

2019 Challenge: The Remix

Hey, Rockstars!

S.Y.K.- Revenge of Eve

Last week I announced my dislike for the 52-week lists challenge. I have thought about it and have decided to continue,

But. 

I will be adding my unique style

These questions are not to achieve happiness rather bring a realness to our blogs.


For those of you who have followed R.O.E. for a while, this may seem a bit familiar. That’s because it is. Do you remember G2K?? (Get 2 Know)? Well, I decided to somewhat combine the two.

Introducing…


So You Know (S.Y.K.)

So You Know
So You Know

The Deets

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

My intentions are to ask questions that provoke thought, create a scenario, ask opinions on controversial topics (not necessarily headlines), make you laugh, teach you about yourself, and/or entertain you and your readers, as well as, give a little insight into who is behind the blog.

Any participation is greatly appreciated.

If you come up with a question, let’s chat! Send it on over and I’ll fit it in (and credit you).


S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve
Reeeemixxx!

S.Y.K

We are going to start off with a pow!! The first edition of S.Y.K. is going to make you think and give your followers insight. Ready??? Oh, yea. We are starting today 🙂

  • What is the soul?
  • What is religion?
  • What is spirituality?
  • What purpose do humans serve in the scheme of things?

A Few things to Keep in Mind

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real.  If you feel a certain type of way, say it.  You were asked your opinion 😉 (double dog dare)

That’s all folks!! Just a friendly game of questions. I can’t wait to read your answers.

Have any questions for me?? Ask away… Let’s chat!! In the comments or privately, your choice. Have a wonderful Monday, y’all!

Peace out homies 😉

A Little Bit About This and That

Bonding

Often times the bond between mother and daughter is considered one of strain. All too often we hear of the arguments, attitude, and agitation that create stress for this feeble relationship. Teenage years is when most girls begin their menstrual cycle resulting in catastrophic, irrelevant emotional outburst. Ironically us women are similar to a gang. We cycle with the other women who are in our immediate circle after a short time of being around each other.

Check out Here’s the Plan, Man

A little about this and that- Revenge of Eve

No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and her daughter. “It’s the original relationship, and it’s also a relationship that has been sentimentalized but not honored,” says Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., who directs the Women’s Studies program at the University of Maine at Farmington, where she teaches a popular course in mother-daughter relationships. “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.

I would like to imagine that my daughter’s relationship with me is one based on respect, trust, and honesty, at least 85% of the time. Our personalities are complete opposites and I believe that to be why we are able to make life work the way we do. She (Kid) is much kinder, considerate, relaxed, and respectful than I ever was as a pre-teen-young adult. She favors her father’s demeanor. She is content by herself which was unheard of when I was her age.

Prior to my teenage years, I was self-reliant, self-entertained, and independent. Somewhere around middle school, I began seeking validation from my peers.  I strongly believe this is where I got lost in life.

This is the time of my daughter’s life when I realized it was time to get sober. The depression was in control and I was a shell. I believe everything happens for a reason and I feel in my heart this is when she needed her dad’s guidance more than mine, although it was not a planned decision.

Not only was she transitioning from living with her mother to living with her father, but she also had to transition from one school district to another.

A little about this and that- Revenge of Eve

One thing I pride myself on as a mother is encouraging my daughter to be herself. I never realized how stable she is in her being until she reached high school. Her friends will go out and drink, some smoke marijuana, and she is content sitting at home watching tv. Rarely will she ask to go do something but when she does, the answer is always yes… which leads to my weakness as a mother. I find it difficult to tell her no. In fact, I do not know if I have ever. Of course, if it is something that will harm her, I say no but if she outright asks for something from me, she’s going to get it. She knows it too. She is such a great teen that I feel as though she should be rewarded.


Personality


My daughter has a docile, quiet nature.  She is supportive of her friend’s struggles, always offering solid advice.  She isn’t one to tell you what you want to hear rather what needs to be said.  At times she can be timid.  She is patient and observant which allows her to form her own opinion.  I am not claiming that she is perfect but pretty damn close 😉

She is a great soccer player but it didn’t come easy for her.  She has put in work to get where she is.  She dedicated herself to it and has come far.  I would say that he is not a follower but not exactly a leader either.   She is somewhere in the middle.  Like a silent partner.  I don’t know how to explain it.  She is just laid back.

Physical

My daughter was a spitting image of her father but as she has gotten older her face is thinning out and she somewhat favors me.   She has my t-zone for sure.  She has a round face whereas I have an oval-shaped face.


I thought for sure she would tower over me but such is not the case.  I am 5’10 and she has stopped growing at a mere 5’6.  We know that she will not get any taller because she had to see a foot specialist and he told us her growth plate has closed.  Never did I imagine her being my sister’s height.

We are all guilty of preconceived notions of how or what our children will be like.  In my case, I was destined to have a disrespectful, brat when in fact I was blessed with an angel.  I suppose I am enough brat for the both of us.  She is her own person with her own opinions and beliefs.  Her father and I did one thing right and that was to raise a respectful, dignified young lady who loves herself.   And we didn’t do it alone.  There has been a community of friends that have had their hand in raising her.  She makes us all proud.


Make sure to look out for tomorrows post 🙂 And to my subscribers….. get ready because this week I will be sending out my first video!! I’ve just gotta record it …. lmao but no really!!

Gotta dash ~ I’m here if anyone needs me ~ always

About That… A Review of January

Don’t Judge Me

If this month has taught me anything it has taught me that I am resilient. Getting back up is my strength. And… I am my worst enemy.

A lot of times I think, in this broken thinker of mine, that I am going to follow a plan because I put it out there, therefore holding myself accountable. Well, if that ain’t a load of bullshit, I don’t know what is. Long ago, back in the caveman days, I kept a strict schedule, a tight to-do list and guess what???
Go ahead, guess…


About that- Revenge of Eve

I was a slave to check boxes and timers. I lived a life with no room for error and it ruined my idea of planning. I made calculated steps toward an uncertain future. One day I decided no more lists (17 years ago) and I didn’t make one or a plan until three years ago. Before I know it I find myself writing blog posts about planning my year.

WWhhooaaa!!!!! That escalated quickly! Before I become obsessed with lists and planning, I am bringing it to a screeching halt. Part-time planning works well for me. It isn’t stressful. In fact, I refuse to fall prey to something I have once experienced (unless it is rejection, then I’ll go back for more). I adore the idea that planning presents but it is the aesthetic of the products that I am obsessed with.

I confess.

If you are a subscriber then you will have read that I was going to help a friend with somewhat life coaching her. Bahahahahahaha!! It went well for three days but I can’t be responsible for organizing someone else’s life. Plus she’s flaky like me and her mood determines what she does or doesn’t do (Love you Tiff). Another prime example of how easy it is for me to forget about the task at hand.


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What’s That?

ME!!!!

It Wasn’t a Total Fail

At the beginning of the month, I had momentum and thank Her for that.   I needed it for the next two weeks to come.  My planner is full with a daily gratitude list, journal logs, and podcasts confirmed… The first three weeks (there are 5 in January)! 

I think that is awesome. 

But…
For purposes of setting mini goals to achieve a larger goal, I must reflect on what I set as mini goals and whether or not they pushed me closer toward my ultimate goal.

I can’t say for certain where I was mentally when I listed said goals but for some odd reason I didn’t even know the main goal that I designated as my January goal!!! A little coo-coo. When I realized I wasn’t sure what exactly I was working toward, I checked the front of the month in my planner and to my surprise, it was to Be More Present

If you are lost you can check out the three-part series for a better understanding.

 One. Two. Three.

Quick Looksie

The three mini-goals I set were:

  • No phone at soccer games
  • An hour no tech, a day
  • Journal daily

Let’s see how I fared. There were a total of seven games in the month of January. I attended four. My daughter didn’t play because of a hurt muscle three of the seven games and she only played a quarter of one other.

I am ZERO for 4!!!  on my mini goal of not bringing my phone to the field. I had every intention of leaving it in my car the first game but I brought it just in case. In my defense, the game was a flush. The opposing team is in its infancy and the game was called on the “no score” rule, once we made our fifth goal (I believe).

While the ball is in play I do a good job at watching and cheering them on. It is in the down time I need entertainment. I sit alone and often times my anxiety is heightened while at the games so having my phone is more of a comfort than a distraction. That’s not an excuse but I will attempt this mini goal next go-round, in April.

How did I do for an hour no tech when Kid is here? Welp, out of the two weekends she were here we followed through…. drum roll…

Once!! I know, I know.. I’m terrible. I could make excuses but I won’t. It just didn’t happen the way it was supposed too. whoomph whomp 😦

So, that leaves journaling. Out of 31 days, I journaled… 17 times. I had a productive month with making inserts, organizing my studio, and listening to podcasts. I also watched at least 5 Ted Talks and wrote a gratitude list daily (only missing 5 days).

In the photo above you can see where I set smaller goals as well. Exercise and focus mode never made it into my routine.

What Did I Learn?

Sticking to your goals is challenging but not impossible. The difficult part is working them into the routine I have already established. I also learned that while the sub-goals were not necessary, having them gave me options. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. What I do know is I am not quitting.

I will modify February’s goals and make sure to focus on working them in my routine. January was a warm up month getting me use to working toward an end result. While I did not accomplish what I set out to accomplish, I did stay on course (once I looked at what my ultimate goal for the month was).

Maintaining a schedule does not happen over night. I will go out on a ledge and say that it takes at least three months to find your rthymn. Although my plans did not pan out, learning about myself has been abundant. Trusting my intution has come easy and less scary. I have decided to switch my shifts up at work in a last ditch effort to stay there. If this doesn’t work I will be doing some job hunting in February. We shall see.


All in all the month revealed unhealthy patterns giving me insight on my behaviors. I am keeping a running list to have to discuss with a therapist. Meanwhile I will keep doing what I am doing which involves doing the next right thing. I ask for understanding and patience for the month of February from myself for myself. I am taking big steps toward healing and must remain kind to myself.

Today I was blindsided with a “view”, flashback, of who I was roughly 15 years ago and tears streamed down my face. I was a shell of a person. This seems significant for me to recognize. Why? Not so sure but I allowed myself to feel what came with it and the result was an overwhelming sadness followed by a sense of pride for how far I’ve come. I still have a long road ahead of me but as for today, I am at peace with who I am.

How was your January?

Keep your head up ~ love,

Dear Customer…

Societal Observations

*scarcastic tone used the whole read*

This post has the tendency to get “mouthy”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you get offended easily, read on. You need to read this tidbit of it isn’t personal boundary setting.


dear customer-revenge of eve

I am employed with a job in the lovely field that is customer service. Insert* the customer is not always right!

That statement was made by a lunatic!! People who say this fall in the category of society that look to take advantage of corporate USA or anyone with a publicly operating business.

Yea, I said it because guess what?? In my 20+ years experience of dealing with customers, they are still 100% human and guess what else? Humans make mistakes. The person serving you the food may have forgotten to say no mustard on your burger but that doesn’t make you right. To be “right” there must be an opposing opinion… I’ll stop there on that one.

Tip: If you have a bad experience when dealing with your customer service representative, you ask to speak with someone higher than them. Like a tax paying adult, you explain, not insult, not yell, your unpleasant experience. That is why they are there. From there, allow said higher human to resolve the issue according to their company’s policy. The actual goal is to satisfy the customer and filing a complaint gives the company the opportunity to fix it. And here is where that “customer is always right” loophole was created.

News flash!! People are assholes. There is no way in hell it should ever be ok for someone to say that because they are a customer, they are automatically right. Fuck off with that annoying statement.

Here is how it should look: Go eat, if things don’t go well, give feedback, sit nicely (and quietly), accept or negotiate your offer (remember like an adult), tip according to the service you received not based on your experience, and move the eff on people!!

**insider info: The company still gets paid if you eat for free but guess who doesn’t? The responsive middle man that catered to your every need without breaking a smile, they don’t. Businesses are operated on a ladder system. Don’t punish the man on the first step for a job not filled by the man on the fifth step.

Do Not Touch The Animals

Just because someone chooses to work with the masses does not give you permission to touch, pull, poke or grab them. And oh my God, please, do not whistle!!!

Does this happen often? Too often. Somewhere in life, we forget the simplest of tools taught in elementary school. Keep your hands to yourself. Simple. Period.

Just because you are a touchy-feely person does not mean the person who serves you alcoholic beverages is.

Tip: if the bartender walks from behind the bar to dump ashtrays, collect empty beer bottles, or even if they decide to hug someone else, Do. Not. Assume. it is ok for you to grab them and bear hug them.

We understand that liquor induces “love” but keep in mind in some it may provoke anger, in others tears and if you are lucky, someone’s afternoon lunch. The point is, respect other people’s personal, arm-length, 3-foot rule, distance space.

I imagine there to be an underground conspiracy against those of us who work in customer service that says if you want to get our attention, whistle, and we’ll come running. And whoever heads this theory must have worked with Pavlo and needs to die with this ridiculous notion. This study was done on dogs people!

What’s even better is the look on the whistler’s face when you turn around, look them dead in the eyes and when they begin to bark their request, you turn back around and walk away. Better yet, when you don’t even acknowledge them, the explanation they give trying to minimize the fact that they literally whistled at you. Excuse me? Did you just say you whistled at me??? Oh, I apologize, I was not taught to respond to the sound of a whistle.

dear customer-revenge of eve

We are at work, not on display

I get it, we all have a doppelganger but that doesn’t mean we want you to have a picture of us on your phone so you can show your cousin her twin. This is absurd. And so common that people will completely disregard verbal boundaries such as that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I am not shitting you. Scenario: husband and wife eating, wife goes to the restroom, the man says to me, “can I take your picture?”. I stand frozen thinking why???? Why me…again?? While I process how to deliver my verbal boundary, wife shows up. Yay! and walk away in silence. Returning to the table to retrieve the payment he asks once again if he can take my picture. The look on his wife’s face said it all!! WTF?? He proceeds to get her in agreement that Susy and I look identical as I search for the words, I’m sorry but I am not comfortable with that. As the words flow out of my mouth with pride, he raises his phone and snaps a picture.

And guess what? Looks at me like, well what do we do? Because he realizes what I was trying to say, nicely, was no.

First of all, customer service workers do not know you or your intentions. We do not owe you a picture because we share a similar face structure to that of your cousin. We owe you nothing. We are at work to provide a service for you that is governed by company policy and nowhere in the handbook does it say we must pose for a headshot. Go to Disney for that.

There are creeps out there folks. While Billy compares me to his cousin, his brother may have a sexual fetish for women with blue eyes… Who the fuck knows? Not me and if a request makes me feel uncomfortable, you should respect that!

And sir, what you should’ve done was delete that photo of me mid-sentence with my wide-eyed, how dare you face, immediately. In fact, it should have never been snapped.

Again, at work

As much as we enjoy standing around and chatting, we have duties that require our time as well as other customers to tend to. The best customers are those who we see frequently, ask about home life, remember your birthday, and compensate you for a job well done but many times these can be the worst customers. They demand extra time, they believe that five dollars is a good tip, no matter the price of the bill, on top of the order they just placed that is nowhere on our menu. They call it a special order, we call it annoying.

Once again, I’ll say it. Five dollars is decent if your tab is $20. As the price of your bill increase so does the tip. An easy way to remember how to tip is by multiplying the sales tax by 2, and the sum equals the tip total. Personally, I tip according to my service (not according to the food quailty). Shitty service = shitty tip.

Tip: do not prepare your server by informing them in the beginning that you don’t have the money to tip. Solution: stay home and cook for your damn self. We are at work… To get paid. By no means whatsoever believe that a verbal tip is compensation for a monetary tip. Telling a food service employee that they were excellent does not feed their children.

Next time you see your favorite service industry worker, be observant of the atmosphere. Is it bustling with customers? Can you be a little less needy today?

There is more

These are not insensitive requests. Not everyone thinks along the same lines and for an introvert who hates to be touched many times my days are ruined by people who are inconsiderate or entitled. I could go on all day as I am sure those who are customer service or food industry service workers could but I will wrap it up with this last piece of advice.

I’m not sure if this happens a lot outside of the casino but in the casino, it is an insane assumption. If your bill total is $12.63, you pay $12.63. Period. So many people will leave without paying the coin change as if it is our responsibility to pay it.

We seriously had a customer the other day who was irate that we would not pay the 20¢ she owed. She said we should have a piggy bank for those customers who fall short on change. Really? Can you imagine if everyone were short 20¢? There are more than a million people that come and go throughout the year. If we gave each person ONE penny we would lose a million dollars.

Tip: pay your bill. All of it.


Some may say “Sounds like you shouldn’t work with people” and that’s not the case. I enjoy anticipating the needs of others and complimenting them. It makes me happy to be of service. I am good at what I do and if because I have boundaries is seen as I shouldn’t work with the public, perhaps it is you that needs to evaluate how you act in public.

I am speaking on these particular instances because they occur on a daily basis. Not all, but most and sometimes there is a day when they all happen. Those are fun. We are people just like you except we are doing the job you don’t or won’t do. Respect us as such. We are servers, not servants.

You would be appalled if I laid it all out on the table. Craziest of all, imo, is when they look at me like I am weird because I do not want a hug from a perfect stranger.

It’s ok for me to say no, right?!

It isn’t personal!!


This post isn’t to offend anyone but it is for some to open their eyes and evaluate what they expect from someone who is on the clock. The events discussed are true events. While this isn’t a debatable post, its data, I understand there are bad service industry workers so when you do encounter the unicorn, don’t deduct from their tip because they do not want a hug. How many hugs are you asked to give at your place of employment?

One last thing.

I would like to smash the idea that we spit on food. In my entire career, 20+ years, I have never seen it done.

Am I being a drama queen? Let me know

An Update

Currently

I have entered a phase in my blogging career that I have not dealt with. Writing a post feels forced. It hasn’t come naturally in the last two weeks.


Since purchasing my domain I have been trying to develop, more or less, my writer’s voice. In relation to my most well-received posts, it is my personal posts that I receive the most responses. I attribute this to my loyal followers that share a genuine concern about my well being.

When I refer to developing my voice I am speaking in terms of not using the word I and also offering solutions to my reader’s problems. The only problem I am finding is my own. The one where I do not have a solution for others rather advice on what not to do.

This has brought me to a crossroad. 2019 is the year I discover who I am and I am finding blogging, in a form other than personal, is conflicting with my discovery. I find myself putting unnecessary pressure to present my material in a way that isn’t true to my style.

How ironic is that? While trying to love myself I continue trying to not be myself. It is showing up in different areas of my life. I read this great article that allowed me to see that while we may be focusing on one thing we may, in fact, be doing the opposite of that and become worse at it. Once I read this I completely related. To all of it.

I made it a point to not set any blogging goals for the year and as a way of distraction, I am trying to take on a new voice. That’s terrible and I am so glad I caught it when I did. Other things besides the rejection have shown up recently. I’m sure once those come full circle I will share.

I made it through a trying time of self-doubt and comparison and I have no doubt I will make it through this phase. I am happy to have been shown and more happy to have been open to receiving. I had no idea that all I asked for would just magically appear. The signs are there and it is up to me to pay attention. I will never improve if I do not seek the lesson in my pain.

Once again I do not know where to start but I will start by adding this to my list of things to work through with a counselor. I can easily be distracted by the problems of others but in 2019 I won’t be having it. All I want is to be a better person, whole and proud.

I have many great topics that I want to discuss but I am adding them to a list as well for a time when I can dedicate to doing them justice.

This weekend was a rough one with my daughter. She experienced her first full-on panic attack, at school. Immediately my protective nature kicked and I became offended because she didn’t contact me.

While I want to be there for her I am learning that unlike me, she has developed her coping skills. The sad truth is, she is more emotionally mature than I am. I am not ashamed of that. That’s life. Our life. We argued a little as teenage girls and their mother (who act like a teenager) do. I’m working on that too! One at a time! 😂

Something I am trying to do differently is to be easier on myself. I’ve shared that I internalize criticism and hold on to things said in an unhealthy manner. This leads to toxic self-talk which gets me nowhere. The idea that perfection exists is slowly but surely being smashed as I breeze through my days. Some days are better than others but for the most part, I have turned to laughter when I make a mistake. I laugh at myself and evaluate where I can make a change.

I find I need to set up a more organized system for this journey of self-discovery. My lists are in whichever notebook I can find at the moment. I will take today and use it to bring any list together and find them a home in one place. The year is only in its first month and I haven’t fallen behind on any task but getting a grip on any organizing will benefit me in the long run.

My main goal this week is to have a photo shoot with the products I have ready for sale. That was supposed to happen Saturday but due to a scheduling conflict, it didn’t happen. That about rounds it up. My life update in a pretty red bow. Do you have any go-to remedies when you feel as though you have nothing worthy of sharing? Do you laugh at your mistakes instead of beating yourself up? Am I doing anything right?


Let’s chat in the comments. I am taking any and all suggestions on how I can improve this self-discovery journey. Any books you would suggest that had life-changing effects, drop ’em in the comments.

Communication. A Learning Curve in Personal Growth

Raw Emotion

When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.

As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.

I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.

Rejection & Reason

We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accussitory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.

I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.

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Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive agressive side of who I am.

Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apoligized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.

I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.


A New Dawn

Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.

Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.


The Rainbow after the Storm

I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.

Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation

If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂

P.S.

As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning. If you are here to judge me, GET A LIFE!