A Glimpse of the Light

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Beginning

I am beginning to notice the closer I inch towards peace, the pain tries to pull me back.

The teen I became screams from within. She feels deep rejection when I shove her back down. I’ve not ever tried to hide her but she is only seen if I allow. She craves the attention of a boy. But that has gotten her nowhere. I love her yet must let her lie. And with her… my attraction to rejection must die.

I am not ashamed of her. I do not blame her. I want nothing more than for her to grow but…I must let her go. She tugs from within begging to roam free. But she doesn’t realize she was constructed out of necessity. No longer is she my priority. I seek the youngest of me.

She who was first in line. First to be criticized. Ostracized. Demoralized. Characterized and cast aside. It is her the layers protect. Finding and loving her is my life’s project. Hidden beneath the ashes of self-hate, guilt, shame, confusion, rejection…she wait. An innocence and forgiveness is all she has to offer for she knew no better.

I do not want to part with who I chose to become, without them, I’d never made it this far. I wish to respect and love all of me. Just because. If only others who have no choice but to be in my life (temporarily – one year count down began in February) could just lay them to rest, I can reach my best. But…what a shame. Belittling me to elevate yourself stands for nothing-surely no gain. It doesn’t work that way. A one-sided battle is being fought. I surrendered so long ago.

I can only imagine, that at my best, I pose a threat.

A woman awaits to emerge. She’s kind and gentle yet firm in her boundaries. She finds acceptance in peace. She refuses to play guilty or the victim role. She knows that who she is is enough. Her story is full mistakes that caused pain for her to share wisdom only experience can obtain. Accept her or walk away.

A healthy version of myself is someone I have not met. The great thing about her is that I place no limits nor do I have expectations set.

R.O.E. 411

R.O.E. Need To Know

Last month I thought my WordPress plan was set to renew but that is only done when you have a card on file. My plan wasn’t due to expire until the 30th of May and while I had the money to renew last month, I decided not too for a few reasons.

Revenge of Eve
  • I am unsure of which plan will best suit my needs for the next twelve months
  • I have not decided on my set plan of attack for selling my memory keeping journals and journaling packets
  • I haven’t weighed my options about the benefits of having a paid for plan verses a free site considering I do not have a plan mapped out for selling things online
  • I have missed too much work to invest in something without seeing a return immediately
  • My only fret is that my design layout will be affected and I am not so certain I will invest the time to get it how I want it due to when I do decide having to invest the time on the new site
  • I have stepped back from blogging and reading blogs daily to avoid burnout
  • My personal life needs attention
  • The domain remains mine because it was purchased separately and at a later date from the plan so I do not fear the loss of it
  • I want to be more intentional with all I do from here on out
  • Direction, routine, and scheduling are things high on my short list of priorities and sticking to them is my biggest priority
  • A free site is suitable for the time being and forces me to establish an action plan in regards to my desires to work from home
  • I am unsure if I want to air my personal life in the same space I want to develop a professional relationship with customers
  • I may use a free site for personal and launch a professional site using a paid for site…the problem there lies not being able to transfer my following to my business site but having my followers on my free site allows them the choice to follow if my business is targeted at their individual interests
  • I’ve attempted operating two sites before and one suffered and the other never quite took off but in comparison to beginning my first site, it did well
  • I do not want to abandon my R.O.E. as my web persona but I also want to be respected professionaly
  • I have no clue what direction I want to go in professionally speaking
  • I am working on a few projects so my time is limited

Did I say a few reasons? Lol… It’s more than a few and I need more time to sort things out. The purpose of this post was to a. receive feedback and suggestions from my loyal followers b. to have my thoughts/questions/concerns listed out for reference c. to inform y’all that the overall design of R.O.E. is soon to change due to the fact that final decisions have not been made. Free themes are limited to chose from and if I am honest, I’m not pressuring myself to invest the time it takes to design a website without knowing my next move. If you have any insight into the operations of the WordPress business plan, Etsy, or Shopify please let me know your experience in the comments. Or do you use a self-hosted platform? If so, how much behind the scenes work is required? It is difficult and much more time consuming? Any feedback is great feedback!!

Revenge of Eve

5.18.19

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Presence Presents

Acceptance is just that.

Accept.

Repeat.

The present moment offers dreams.

Answers to questions to unsolved curiosities are found.

The presence of love can be found.

An alternate perception is had.

A flower’s scent is sensed.

An airplane heard.

A baby soothed.

Growth from within felt.

Positive energy flows.

Consciousness you’ll know.

Awareness is experienced on a whole new level.

A wholeness is felt.

A oneness seems possible.

Hope is restored.


On this full moon’s night my mind, of course, takes flight. Resembling a warrior fighting their toughest of fights, I stay present with all my might. Moments of times past try to haunt my efforts of remaining present and so I fight. I smell the scent of the flowers, I feel the breeze from the storm that is rolling in. The goosebumps take over my skin with each lightning strike. Tonight these moments give me hope. A hope that wavers with each passing second. A hope that holds tight and reminds me what it is I love about full moons night.

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To my only child:

We share the same moon and when you look at it know that I look at it too. No matter the distance that is in between, together forever we will be. Despite the wedge those drive between our bond, the universe knows where each of us belongs. My heart sings only one song. It is that of a mom who wants only the best yet who stands buried by life’s test. I know in my heart the moon cleanses the rest. My sincerest love is all I have to give, this I confess. Momma loves you although times are stressed and I hope you realize such with the energy of tonight’s full moon that my love for you never rests. – Momma loves you Luce ❤

A Little Diddy for Mom’s

Life & Relationships

Revenge of Eve

Hold and cuddle them while you can.

Before you know it, it is you they cannot stand.

Wipe their noses and butts,

Help them out of ruts,

Watch as they drive you nuts!

Eyes that once glowed with pride

Go on to swollen and full of tears.

Before you know it, you question

“What happened to all those years?”

You do your best not to pass on your fears.

You give them room to grow.

But we aren’t taught how to cope when our daughter becomes a ho

Or our son an abusive asshole

Or a drug addict,

Or Gay

But, HEY! At least you get ONE day!

So to all the mothers out there…

Don’t think you are alone in a world of perfect moms because none of us have it figured out. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if anyone wants to judge you for that, fuck them, wink back.

Revenge of Eve

I Chose Life

Mental Health & Recovery

Today I was on the verge.

The verge of suicide.

I wrote my note.

I looked for the gun –

It wasn’t there.

Luck?

I’ll never know.

It was the calmest I’ve been in a while and even I commented such, out loud.

My guardians, I called upon.

One by name.

A decision was made

No bother to reach out.

Attention is all that would stand to gain.

I sent my I Love You’s to the four that matter.

None of this fuck’n matters

Replays over and over in my head.

The realization that I’ve played a role, one assigned to me, is a harsh reality.

Why wouldn’t they give me a glamorous one?

There is no time for blame.

Ironically, those who ask

What’s wrong

are the ones that aren’t ready to see their part in your shame.

Expectations to be a no-body carries a weight.

One that I must shake,

For my life is at stake.


Revenge of Eve

So You Know – S. Y. K.

Life & Relationships, Personal Growth & Goals

It’s me again! And it’s Monday again… Booooooo! I’m back today with your friendly So You Know series and a little chit chat 🙂

Due to problems beyond my control this post will publish a day later than it was intended

Yesterday in the United States we celebrated Easter. I believe if you are Christian this holiday is universal (don’t quote me on that). Easter is my family’s favorite get together and this year’s events went wonderful! The kids enjoyed their bag’s full of goodies and the food was to die for.

Let’s roll out this week’s questions.

As with each S.Y.K. post, the guidelines first.


I like to keep it pretty simple around here so here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare ya!)

Extra info.

*A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.

*Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.

*Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.

*Pingback to any SYK post

Don’t know how to create a pingback? Hit me up and I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy and everyone needs a little help here and there


Pretty easy, right? Give your readers a little insight to who you are and participate in S.Y.K every Monday!


Today’s Questions

  1. What is your favorite holiday?
  2. Are there family traditions that you continue each year?
  3. Have you started any new fun things that your family does each year as a tradition? If so, please share! (Family does not have to be by blood – close friends count too!)
  4. Do you remember how old you were when you discovered the holiday mascots (Easter bunny, Santa, etc) weren’t real? Got a story that goes along with this discovery? Share, please!
  5. Which is your least favorite holiday?

Last week’s Q’s and my A’s

  • Do you take responsibility for other people’s problems and/or emotions, unknowingly? I do and am trying to learn how not too. You can’t deny that energy exists and I pick up on people’s emotions through an energy field. This is commonly referred to as an empath. For myself, it is torcher. I cannot discern between mine and others and I go through phases where I can block from feeling others energy and phases where I cannot. As of late, I cannot. This has a bad impact on day to day life and I struggle keeping my head above water. I wake feeling a certain way and by time I have encountered two or three others, I process their feelings and make them my own. I do not feel responsible per se but I do feel it is hard to communicate if the energy is heavy.
  • When did you realize that this behavior was burdening you and stunting your growth? Was it a particular incident or did someone point it out that it isn’t your responsibility? I was told by a counselor that the way others feel about me is none of my business and it is a reflection of them, not of me. I took that and from there realized that I am not responsible for their feelings and also realized that doing so was negatively effecting me. This is when I put together the relation I have with energy and other people. Call me crazy but it isn’t anything I haven’t been called before.
  • Were you raised by giving parents or parents who gave only to throw it in your face later? I don’t think they ever gave only to throw it in my face but when it was/is convenient to apply guilt to a situation, it is definitely the go-to, ” after all I’ve done for you..”
  • Lastly, what are your opinions concerning parents being held responsible for their children’s actions? At what age are children to be held responsible for their own actions? Is this reflective of how you were raised or the opposite? In my opinion, children’s actions reflect that of their parents responses. But there is a responsibility as a parent to teach our children consequence. There is a grey area where teens are concerned because many children act on emotion. I think it is important to hold them responsible for their own actions from the moments they enter this world but as far as crimes are concerned, the laws should never bend to trial a child (17 and under) as an adult. Although the crime may be heinous, they should still be charged in the youth grouping. And as terrible as it would be to see my child suffer at the hands of another child, I am still more understanding of that verses an adult molesting a child.
  • When children act out it is because they seek attention. They find a way to make you respond and albeit negative or not, attention is attention. They are most likely to be experiencing difficult times at home or at school with their peers. Sometimes it’s hard to get kids to talk but if you watch them, you’ll discover what it is and from there it is the adults choice of how to guide them through those times. Children mimic adults and perhaps when they are acting out, we should look within ourselves and see what it is we are showing, not telling, them as their role models. My Ma was adamant when it came to respecting us as people and so I believe this to be a reflection of how I was raised. If you don’t like what you see in your child, maybe you should make some changes in your life. That’s what I had to do and it wasn’t easy but well worth it.

And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!

letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.19.19

Personal Growth & Goals

I am ready to let go of the attachment

that has caused me to quit giving.

I am a giving person

and do so with thought

But

That’s stopped.

I am ready to rid myself of

the idea

I am not good enough.

I am.

I am ready to initiate change in my life

and

trust the outcome.

I have stopped trying to find

me

And now

Allowing it to be.

I am stepping from behind

what everyone expects,

including me;

Me to be.

letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.16.19

Life & Relationships

Have You?


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to tell your child that life gets better?

Of course, and mean it.

I can’t even imagine the sight of a world where that would be true.

My faith in humanity is put to the test on a daily basis,

mere moments after being restored.

Without such tug-a-war,

Our lives are sure to bore.

If only evolution lessened the pain.

How can we change a society who sees nothing more to gain?

Our lives structured in time frame.

If I teach my child kindness,

Won’t you do the same?



I would be lying if I claimed to be happy, today. It truly sucks that this existence of mine is shared with others who lie, cheat, steal, judge, envy, plot, and watch with bated breath for another to fall. When the fuck will we rise to help all?

This world breaks my heart and I often don’t want any part. The moment I trust or rely on another, I am shown the ugliness that is man. Not sure how much more I can stand.

We are not supposed to expect, but can’t we begin with mutual respect?

Revenge of Eve

So You Know

Mental Health & Recovery
Revenge of Eve

So You Know

It’s that time again! Happy Monday, y’all!

If you are new to these parts, Welcome ❤


Have a look around and while you are at it, subscribe to receive theGarden, a monthly newsletter sent out randomly throughout the month. No spamming, only love.

S.Y.K

So You Know is a series that gives the reader insight to the opinions of their favorite bloggers. Participation is easy. Keep reading and don’t forget that S.Y.K is rolled out most Monday’s.

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

Don’t know how to create a pingback? Hit me up and I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy and everyone needs a little help here and there

revenge of eve

Ready? On your mark…get set….
GO!!

  • Do you take responsibilty for other peoples problems and/or emotions, unknowingly? If so, move on to question 2, if not…head on to #3.
  • When did you noticed this behavior was burdening you and stunting your growth? Was it a particular incident or did someone verbally tell you that it isn’t your responsibility?
  • Were you raised by giving parents or by parents who gave only to throw it in your face later?
  • Lastly, what are your opinions concerning parents being held responsible for their children’s action? As in – what age is the child when they are held responsible for their own actions? Is this opinion reflective of how your parents raised you or opposite?

Ok I squeezed multiple question under one number, two times (lol), but that’s ok


The questions here on S.Y.K. have had a parenting theme more recently and as I am just noticing this, I can relate it to what I am seeing lately. These questions are also for non-parents – assuming they have opinions about the matters of parenting. Because I mean, damn, they sure have an opinion when a child is screaming and throwing a fit in Wal-Mart!! And the expression on their faces say even more!!


My answers to last weeks questions

  • What is your biggest fear? Besides suffocating, which is my biggest, would have to be that I “check out” because life becomes too hard to handle.
  • When did you recognize it as the biggest? After an episode of psychosis.
  • What happened that caused you to recognize it? I lost control of my mind. More specifically, I wasn’t taught how powerful our brains are and that it can do things without consulting the host.
  • Has it ever happened to you or anyone you love? not that I am aware of.
  • Have you tried to overcome? If so, how and what was the result? I do not remember fighting it but I will say it was scary and out of sorts. I saw myself looking down from above. I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and while I was literally doing so, it didn’t make sense to see myself from that perspective. Unfortunately the opposite is true. When life seems to be edging on “too much”, I almost welcome it. It can be related to me giving up, I suppose. I don’t want to give up but sometimes life can be too much and sometimes I feel I am not cut out for it.

Before you go…. if you moseyed around and liked what you saw, I was anonymously nominated for a blogging award and if I did not promote voting, I would be doing the nominator a disservice – so, if you liked- vote here for Revenge of Eve. And, as always, Thank You for your support 🙂

Revenge of Eve

Using Stationery to Change My Relationship with April (the month)

Creative & Collective, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

It is no secret that April is a difficult month for me and has been as far back as I can remember. The tragic death, by suicide, of my boyfriend happened in April, my Aunt’s death anniversary is also in April…I’d rather stop there but if there were no more, those two are enough (there is more). My mental health has taken a turn for the worst with the arrival of Spring for the past four or five consecutive years adding to the depth of sadness already present.

Last year I prepared myself for April but there are things out of my control. The month wasn’t as bad, from what I can remember, except I cannot remember what it was I did to prepare. Needless to say, April didn’t start off good this year, at all. We are exactly a week in and I would rather turn my focus to what I love for the remainder of the month. It just so happens to be the month stationery lovers celebrate…. their love of stationery!! And guess who lllooooovvvvvessssssssss stationery????

ME!!!

Yup, that’s right, April is when the hashtags #natstatweek and #writingmatters invade social media. If you aren’t a fan of pretty paper or matching desk accessories, never fear, Candace is here!!!

Let me offer some basic information for those interested.

Stationery Lover’s Delight

use the following hashtags on Twitter or Instagram

National Stationery Week

#NatStatWeek falls the week of April 29-May 5th this year (2019). #worldstationeryday falls on May 1st this year and the day is boasted with the London Stationery Show. #Natstatweek was started in the UK for all of those who love stationery and the art of letter writing to celebrate all that is stationery…the hashtag was created to market the trend which caught on like wildfire! The week is planned with days of stationery related tasks that you can participate in and share across your social media platforms using the appropriate hashtags

Stationery Fun: hashtags & links

below are the related hashtags with links describing the days tasks. *denotes sponsored days

#natstatweek

*Day One: #paperchaseloveslists

*Day Two: #penandpencilday

Day Three: #stationerytheworldover

Day Four: #takeanoteday

*Day Five: #feelgoodfriday

Day Six: #stationeryshopsaturday

Day Seven: #sendaletterday

The campaign also promotes the importance of essential handwriting skills.

Revenge of Eve

With that being said, I will introduce to you all of the things that I love about stationery as well as some boring information to go along with it. From this day forward, I will approach the month of April as the month I can celebrate my love of designer paper, vintage paper, cute binders, pens…o.m.g….I love it all!!!–Instead of the month of tragedy as I see it now.


Below are the details of the day that plays over and over in my head, proceed with caution. As of today, I will no longer think of these details rather do something I am passionate about on his behalf.


Today, April 8th, is the anniversary of my boyfriends suicide and his honor I will change my perspective. It has been 24 years today. You would think having been so long ago that it would be easier and while the pain has lessened significantly, I can’t help to wonder where he’d be in the world today. It’s a sad situation because he reached out for help on Easter Sunday, at church, and was doubted for his ability or will to stop behaving “badly”. He was acting like an average teenager, drinking and smoking weed. That has had a huge impact on my opinion of the church ever since. He called me after leaving Sunday school in total disarray. He was hurt. Sad. He wanted to see me and I couldn’t because my parents were coming home from their vacation in Arkansas. Later that evening he met up with a friend, got shit faced drunk, went home and sat in the chair I had sat in the evening before eating dinner with him and his Ma (his mother was specific about that detail – she said because he had never sat there), argued with his mom because he was drunk, and when she went to her room – he shot himself in the head.

He truly loved me and only knew me a week. He asked me if I believed in love at first sight – I laughed and he said I was his love at first sight. I believed him. R.I.P Dusty Ard I love you

Revenge of Eve