It is often said that words do not define us. In my personal realm, they do. I may have mentioned this a time or two. What I mean is that I require words to give to people to describe who I am and am not.
I hold onto words. I have a love-hate relationship with them. I love how eloquently they roll off your tongue when telling someone you love them. I love the punch they have when said in anger. I am sure we can agree that words are powerful.
Ironically, I struggle to find words that I relate too. Ya know, fit the definition of. This was the case when in rehab and mental facilities when the counselors would say that I had abandonment issues. I never agreed. How could someone have abandonment issues when the abuser was there? He did not do me a favor and leave, no, he stayed.
One day, out of the blue, it dawned on me. It is rejection, for me, not abandonment. Being able to communicate that has changed my world and recently a good friend of mine did it for me with yet again, one word…
You all have read about my confession of being able to absorb the energy of others and it is the word territorial that describes why I am the way I am.
How’s that?? Allow me to dish it to ya…
All of my life I have used words such as possessive, protective, even jealous (which I am not by nature) to describe how I am with those closest to me. Once I feel safe with someone, in my mind, they literally become mine. Like seriously.
Their well being at that point has been assigned to me to guard. If at any point I feel that they are in an uncomfortable situation, I swoop in and defend. I will go to any length to bring my friend or family the level of comfort they need.
I do not take these actions based on their command, I do so by sensing their energy. Pretty much their energy tells on them. At work, if anyone is rude or aggressive with any of the girls, I immediately chime in and make it known that none of that nonsense will take place. Not with me around anyway.
Having always been this way, I never thought to put a word to it. But when I thought about it, the words I did chose were all associated as negative describers and that part of me isn’t necessarily bad or negative. This only confirms one thing, I am not crazy. I do feel on a different spectrum/level than others.
The second I heard my friend use the term territorial in the same sentence as Candace, something clicked. A light flickered and everything seemed to come full circle at that moment. Here’s the circle…
” The things I am to discover about myself are not bad. I am not bad. I was just labeled that as a child growing up. Not only did I think I was because of my dad but also because no one’s parents would let them hang out with me. In my adult life, most of my friend’s boyfriends do not like it when their girlfriend hangs out with me (the insecure ones anyway).”
Intimidating and snobby are two words people have used to describe me, more than I’d like to admit. Two of which, if I may say so myself, are words I’d rather not be associated with. Intimidating isn’t too harsh but snobby is something I have tried my whole life not to be. My dad is a snob. Yuck! When this has been said I didn’t have a rebuttal and now, I do!! I can see it now…
“I thought you were a snob”
“Ummm excuse me??? I am territorial” 😉
(Oh, my bad. I had a moment of role play there for a sec.)
Some people do not like using words to describe them because they feel as though it attaches a label. I cannot argue that labels are put on people, therefore, limiting their abilities but for me, they are necessary.
Along this road I am traveling, I discover something new about myself daily. In an effort to change the way I view myself it is vital that I do not consider things about my character as bad or wrong.
If you have ever suffered emotional abuse a common tendency is to belittle ourselves. This is the opinion of the abuser not necessarily the opinion we have of ourselves. It is this conditioning that requires us to take note of the way we talk to ourself, change it, and move forward. Implementing change takes action and although sometimes difficult, in the end, we reap the benefits.
It is difficult to change any habit and I am finding the kinder I am to myself, the easier the climb. We each have our own level of tolerance and should never look down upon someone for the choices they make along their journey. You either accept certain things or you don’t and you move on. Life is too short to be wasting time in situations with unresolved issues.
By no means has it been easy to get where I am, to be able to say this. Awkward moments staring in the mirror trying to spit out, “you deserve better than this”, took a strength I had to verbally ask for. This may seem small to some who may ” have had it worse” but for me, being kind to myself is the biggest thing I’ve done yet. Even quitting alcohol after 20+ years abuse seemed easier.
Brokenness can be mended. Not overnight and not without tears. I share this not to brag but simply to restore one person’s faith in themselves. I know if I can do it, you can too. But you have to want too… Want to remove the chaos, sit in silence, look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your role in all of it. Not as a source of blame but to find a true strength that will elevate you and carry you through.
Tomorrow will present its own set of obstacles but at least now I can approach them with myself on my side. Lightening the load is half the battle. Learning how to love yourself without shrinking wins the battle.
When I hear the word purpose, I associate it with an action. I believe to find one’s purpose is to be of assistance to another albeit mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially. In search of myself, I have made it my purpose to open up to the possibilities of who I am and willbecome.
This for me means trusting energy. Accepting I have a gifted sense of energy that surrounds me. In order for me to be of service to others, it is vital that I tap into ways of surpassing fear. Having such a gift can be controversial to some yet healing and helpful for others. Right now my purpose sits in solitude waiting for my approval and daily I am witness to this charming gift. Theses energies fill a space in my body.
Sensorly, particular areas will heighten in the presence of certain energies and some are subtle nudges that say in a meek tone, I’m here. Sometimes it is a feeling and other times it comes to me in words.
I am learning what these energies represent. They all show up different. From an extremely young age, I’ve known when I am in the presence of a molester or woman abuser (I was able to identify the energy when I was in high school). The way they transmit their energy feels to same to me. Believe me when I say, they know I know.
Talking about this is scary and I can see why I wanted to drown it with the bottle or numb it with other substances. Like mental illness, describing it is an uphill battle and one not socially accepted therefore creating an ignorance.
A few days ago I commented on the energy of two girls. I didn’t want to offend them because they both already know how I feel about them and although I pointed out the shift, I didn’t tell them I have finally concluded what that exact energy represents. It’s shadiness. You know like a snake. Sneaky. It has a few names but it feels the same. A dead heavy weight felt in my stomach and like a ball in my throat.
At the moment I felt this, it was almost as everything stopped and was in slow motion. Kind of like giving me time to process and associate. And then as though someone had hit the rewind button we were all standing there. All I could say was…whoa. Did y’all feel that?
Undoubtedly, this is something I rarely discuss and doing so leaves me vulnerable and questioning if I am doing the right thing. No, I am not manic, no I am not drunk and yes I am nervous sharing this with my readers. Personally, I believe each of us is gifted in the sense of feeling surrounding energy but the way we process it is different. Some chose to ignore it altogether and I can’t blame them. For myself, it’s too much to let slide.
Accepting this as a part of who I am isn’t a recent phenomenon. I have done everything in my wheelhouse, unhealthy and healthy, to prevent myself from these feelings. I have opened up about this more in the last year with those closest to me. To them, this is another part of my weirdness. But it is more than a part of who I am. It is the part I have mostly tried to hide, drown and bury.
A lot of these attribute to being an empath as does the draining I experience in large crowds and the required solitude. Is it possible all empath’s are energy sensitive?
Please don’t read this and run for the hills. I am not changing my blog’s focus to crystal healing and contacting spirits but what I am doing is following a path that has seemed to be beaten down right before my very eyes. Each day that I have allowed myself to be receptive, I have received valuable insight into who I am and why I do or have done the things I’ve done.
Before I would not see the correlation rather internally fall to the belief that I am inherently bad or a mistake. I am not finding excuses, I am finding patterns and habits that with time and dedication can be unlearned and broken.
I have been given fresh eyes to see a tattered story that was fueled by fear and lies. One day at a time, I will continue along this journey, keeping it simple and allowing myself to be open to the direction I am taken in. Without resistance.
I have entered a phase in my blogging career that I have not dealt with. Writing a post feels forced. It hasn’t come naturally in the last two weeks.
Since purchasing my domain I have been trying to develop, more or less, my writer’s voice. In relation to my most well-received posts, it is my personal posts that I receive the most responses. I attribute this to my loyal followers that share a genuine concern about my well being.
When I refer to developing my voice I am speaking in terms of not using the word I and also offering solutions to my reader’s problems. The only problem I am finding is my own. The one where I do not have a solution for others rather advice on what not to do.
This has brought me to a crossroad. 2019 is the year I discover who I am and I am finding blogging, in a form other than personal, is conflicting with my discovery. I find myself putting unnecessary pressure to present my material in a way that isn’t true to my style.
How ironic is that? While trying to love myself I continue trying to not be myself. It is showing up in different areas of my life. I read this great article that allowed me to see that while we may be focusing on one thing we may, in fact, be doing the opposite of that and become worse at it. Once I read this I completely related. To all of it.
I made it a point to not set any blogging goals for the year and as a way of distraction, I am trying to take on a new voice. That’s terrible and I am so glad I caught it when I did. Other things besides the rejection have shown up recently. I’m sure once those come full circle I will share.
I made it through a trying time of self-doubt and comparison and I have no doubt I will make it through this phase. I am happy to have been shown and more happy to have been open to receiving. I had no idea that all I asked for would just magically appear. The signs are there and it is up to me to pay attention. I will never improve if I do not seek the lesson in my pain.
Once again I do not know where to start but I will start by adding this to my list of things to work through with a counselor. I can easily be distracted by the problems of others but in 2019 I won’t be having it. All I want is to be a better person, whole and proud.
I have many great topics that I want to discuss but I am adding them to a list as well for a time when I can dedicate to doing them justice.
This weekend was a rough one with my daughter. She experienced her first full-on panic attack, at school. Immediately my protective nature kicked and I became offended because she didn’t contact me.
While I want to be there for her I am learning that unlike me, she has developed her coping skills. The sad truth is, she is more emotionally mature than I am. I am not ashamed of that. That’s life. Our life. We argued a little as teenage girls and their mother (who act like a teenager) do. I’m working on that too! One at a time! 😂
Something I am trying to do differently is to be easier on myself. I’ve shared that I internalize criticism and hold on to things said in an unhealthy manner. This leads to toxic self-talk which gets me nowhere. The idea that perfection exists is slowly but surely being smashed as I breeze through my days. Some days are better than others but for the most part, I have turned to laughter when I make a mistake. I laugh at myself and evaluate where I can make a change.
I find I need to set up a more organized system for this journey of self-discovery. My lists are in whichever notebook I can find at the moment. I will take today and use it to bring any list together and find them a home in one place. The year is only in its first month and I haven’t fallen behind on any task but getting a grip on any organizing will benefit me in the long run.
My main goal this week is to have a photo shoot with the products I have ready for sale. That was supposed to happen Saturday but due to a scheduling conflict, it didn’t happen. That about rounds it up. My life update in a pretty red bow. Do you have any go-to remedies when you feel as though you have nothing worthy of sharing? Do you laugh at your mistakes instead of beating yourself up? Am I doing anything right?
Let’s chat in the comments. I am taking any and all suggestions on how I can improve this self-discovery journey. Any books you would suggest that had life-changing effects, drop ’em in the comments.
Hey, Hey! I hope this post finds you all doing well. I had an interesting week, to say the least. Laying low more than normal and I am ight with that. How about you? Busy, lazy, peaceful??? I will share about my week in a post following this one. Make sure to check it out 🙂
Last week’s list wasn’t my favorite which left me with a blah list. I have a routine and because I am ocd, I love it, all of it. Yes, at the moment, I do not like it at all (my schedule is changing with my life) but it is becoming more and more apparent that I need to change it up. I will.
Take action: Underline the things that you had to work for to become good at it, and circle the things you feel come naturally to you. Do any of these things overlap? Just like happiness, it’s already within you. It just takes practice to experience daily.
Follow the following if you decide to create a post about making your list.
First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.
The take action part of this week’s list caught my attention. I don’t generally consider myself good at much but there are a few things I can come up with. It will be neat to see if they intersect or overlap. And which I feel I am a natural at or required practice. Hmmmm We’ll see what I come up with. If you join in, share with me or not. If this isn’t something you enjoy doing I understand sitting this one out. But it’s going on for a year so you may find you’d like to join in. Do not rule it out! 😉
I haven’t said this in a while but Thank you for being a wonderful community of support and encouragement. I am not nearly as active as I have been for the last 18 months but I still know who my loyal followers are and your presence in my life means a lot. I realize the importance of stepping away and looking out for myself and I know you welcome me back any time with open arms so again, THANK YOU.
As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).
In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.
This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!
“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.
An Honest Observation
It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.
As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.
Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.
It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.
“Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.“
Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.
With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!
I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.
Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.
A note from me to you:
The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Sometimes it’s as simple as getting something off your chest that opens up space for better things to enter. I feel that today. Yesterday I was able to push past fear and the result was immediate. Like letting go of a balloon, I let go of the pain I have begrudgingly carried for 17 fuck’n years.
I realize I do not have to carry that kinda weight. Sometimes we just have to accept certain situations for what they are meant to be.
Life takes care of the rest.
It’s moments like this where the universe is nudging me in the right direction that I used to ignore. I knew 2019 was going to bring change. I wasn’t expecting it to be only 4 days in. Normally I want an answer but today it’s ok to not know and its ok it took me so long.
The relationships (2) that I have let go of have reached their expiration date. I am taking the lessons I learned from the two of them and moving into the next chapter of my life. No doubt in my mind they will forever hold a piece of my heart but I no longer allow them to negatively affect me. What was once thought of as lifetime friendships, has come to an end…
I feel a true joy that doesn’t come naturally to me and dare I say I think this is what proud feels like. I also decided there is no reason to waste my time with someone I know is no good for me. Blocking that number added to my sense of liberation. No need to be tempted. With him, I was able to see an unhealthy pattern that I have repeatedly ignored about myself until now.
Learning about myself doesn’t have to be difficult. If I take it all at face value it is simplistic. Stepping out of my own way may become a trend in my life. “It is what it is”, a common phrase that is used, sums it up. Things are the way they are without explanation or reason.
When I sat back in silence and allowed myself to fully feel what has happened I literally sighed relief. I evaluated the possible answers for why I would hold onto something that brought me pain and the only answer I came up with was the fear of losing our friendship. Although we have been estranged going on three years, I have only recently mourned the loss of our close relationship and this finalized it. Maybe that is what brought such relief. The ends were finally tied and burned.
I try not to discuss in depth the circumstances surrounding my child. One because of shame; I am an alcoholic mother and the stigma attached to that is enough to make someone take their life, and two not to give a one-sided perspective. The friendship I have discussed today is the one I had with her father and the pain of him cheating on me, while I was pregnant, is what I have carried. My father disowned me because my child is biracial and in the moments of hearing him say, ” I am mentally prepared to spend the rest of my life in prison for the death of you and your unborn child”, I felt secure because of Kid’s father….until I was told he was cheating on me. My world was shattered, to say the least.
Many years have lapsed and life has treated us kind as parents. He is a great dad and that’s all I need from him. Despite his opinion today, he and I raised an amazing young lady to the best of our ability. We were young, selfish, and wild but our child never went without. She was taught respect, morals, self-love, compassion, and most importantly she knows she is loved.
Funny thing is I feared him finding out about my blog and little did I know he is a fan… he didn’t use those exact words but he did say he has read all of my posts and if I’d say so myself, that’s a fan (he told me I need to get a life, ppsst) 😉 Hi Anthony, Hello Sam.
Life is opening up for me and I for it. I want to step out from behind the curtains and not be ashamed for who I am. I am becoming and that is a beautiful thing. I owe it all to my beautiful, talented, rotten, sassy, smart mouth daughter. She has taught me what unconditional love is. Seeing her love herself is the most inspirational display of courage I have ever seen. She isn’t afraid to talk about her feelings, she doesn’t sweep them aside. She stands up for herself if someone has crossed her boundaries and she forgives wholly. In my eyes, she is the epitome of perfection in its rarest form here on earth. She is balanced and rounded at the same time. Not only does she know her limits, but she also respects them. I speak highly of her not because she is my child but because she is my most influential teacher. All too often when others meet her they want to give all the credit to me and her father but I won’t accept that. She is an observer and with her little eyes has formed her own opinion and character and I couldn’t be more proud. I only hope to become half the woman she will be.