today-revenge of Eve

Today

Personal Growth & Goals, R.O.E. Need To Know

Sunny Skies

The heat in Louisiana contributes to or is the root of, my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Despite the temperature of 95 degrees, I dread August, I feel the most like myself today, than I have in three months. That’s a lovely feeling.

I appreciate days like today because I hold onto them. I know there is a way to a better position in life and I hope to achieve that within myself. The battle with me must cease soon because it no longer serves a purpose. It’s time I live to love and relax and stop. Pause. That was one of my words for entering 2019 and I’ve derailed but slowly I shall revive myself from the numbness. As only I can.

I give myself permission to lay in bed for the rest of the day and watch a movie or documentary – like I have done the past two days – without feeling guilty!!!

Catch ya on the flip side

Revenge of Eve
revenge of eve-letter143

7.15.19

Personal Growth & Goals

On my two year blogging anniversary I question, “Can I recover?”.

But I will not ruminate on such thought because I am a warrior. I have no choice but to fight for myself. No one else will.

This too shall pass.

And when it does, I have learned and earned my growth.

That day is worth working towards.

Hometown Chick: Part 1

Louisiana Love

318 Girl

Revenge of Eve

The Red River. In this photo, we are at flood stage. *interesting fact: the casino I work at sits on this river.

If you are familiar with southern rap music, you’ll know that any time they “claim their city” or “represent” their hometown; like saying ” 504 Boyz” ~ Lil Wayne ~…. 504 is New Orleans’ area code. Up in Northern Louisiana, we are 318 – also known as Ratchet City (😂😂😂😂) I can’t make this shit up..! (I❤it!)

Anywayyyzzzzz

A surprise for you

Reminiscing on when my life was hectic – being a full-time time mom, girlfriend, active alcoholic, full-time employee, and whatever else I was doing – we were so active!!!! One of our favorite things to do was tour our city. We love the downtown area of the city across the bridge from where we currently reside.

The developments restoring the old, brick factory buildings, turning them into living space along with the plantation mansions getting two sometimes four apartments out of one – has been expanding further out and so, with y’all in mind, I present you the Central West End Tour – keep in mind this is my first time to explore this part of town. The pictures reflect when fresh eyes meet wonder. I find beauty in dilapidated buildings and dead trees (not pictured today) so not all pictured has been restored…but there is hope.

I ❤ my Home

(It hasn’t always been this way)


Asian Gardens

Much to my surprise, my local town has developed an area dedicated to Asia, Asian Gardens. I find this interesting as my area isn’t one heavily influenced by Asian culture or the races of Asia, BUT the casinos generate a variety of cultures with Asian clientele topping the chart for feeding the gambling bug.

This area is located smack dab in the middle of our downtown area. I worked mere blocks from this dedication for a number of years and spent too many nights dancing until the sun came up, although, the Asian Gardens were not here at the time.

Here in Louisiana, the state is fueled and funded by the lovely alcohol tax. The laws that surround the sale of alcohol are determined parish to parish (we do not have county’s). You may be surprised to learn that our night clubs stay open until… Wait for it…. 6 am. Yes, that’s right! Outside of the downtown area and for the sale of alcohol in stores, it stops at 2 am but back in business at 7 am. There is a loophole that allows for drinking on casino property 24/7!!! Makes perfect sense that I am an alcoholic in recovery!


I present to you, Asian Gardens

Shreveport, Louisiana

These photos are of small statues that are each dedicated to areas of Asia.

There are mini gardens dedicated to specific parts of Asia scattered throughout a quarter mile radius. I am ashamed to say that I failed I record the details of this impromptu tour to coincide with its photography.

*note to self: take pics, jot notes*

Kid and I have already toured the next spot for Louisiana Love and I can’t wait to go back for the info!! Until next time,

❤ from Louisiana

Back on Track

Personal Growth & Goals

Distracted

We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.

I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!

Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.

The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.

It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.


If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!

(6.23.19)

* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *

An Update On Life

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

Revenge of Eve

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.


❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

Revenge of Eve

Revenge of Eve

So You Know (S.Y.K.)

Creative & Collective

So You Know

I was going to mention how quick the week came and went and then I realized we are halfway through the year!! Wowzers!! Can you believe we are already 6 months into 2019?!?!

Every Monday here on R.O.E. we present a series of questions for bloggers to answer with the hopes of getting to know the person behind the screen better. You can participate by creating a post on your site answering the week’s questions or you may answer them in the comment section below. If you choose to publish a post, please create a pingback to this week’s edition of S.Y.K.

Easy, peasy!


This week’s Questions

  • Do you have a hobby? If so, what is it?
  • How did you discover your interest in your hobby?
  • Do you find having a hobby helps with maintaining your mental wellness? How so?
  • Where do you find materials for staying active with your hobby?
  • Have you ever considered monetizing your hobby? Or if you already do, do you still enjoy it as a hobby?

My answers to last week’s S.Y.K.

  1. What is your favorite part of summer? I would have to say having cook outs by the pool or at the lake is my favorite part. I love the closeness I feel to nature when I am using traditional methods of feeding people by using the bare essentials of modern day cookware. If that makes sense. Lol
  2. Do you swim in bodies of water that are questionable? Like where you cannot see the bottom – lakes, ponds, the ocean… if so, what’s is your fear in doing so? When I was a kid we swam in anything that created a puddle. Manmade ponds and lakes with slimy bottoms where you couldn’t see your feet with red clay mud being the structure of the pond. These days, not so much. If I get in a body of water it is to cool off by quickly throwing water over my body or getting on a float in the shallow end and rowing myself out to the deep end. I will however swim in a pool but not after fourth of July – in Louisiana at least. Why? The water after the fourth is like bath water and I cannot stand the thought of urine filled bath water especially when the urine isn’t my own. Yuck. The ocean is a little different because of the ability to see my feet. I am still a bit weirded out about the marine life though. Arkansas has beautiful bodies of water with cold. flowing water that is clear and with rock bottoms. That is my kind of water to be in. Streams and flowing water is what I prefer.
  3. What is the average temperature (Fahrenheit) of summer in your area? on average I would say between the months of May and August 90 degrees is average but it soars into the 100’s more often than I like. UGH!!! I’m not ready for it!
  4. Do you have access to a pool? If so, is it your own private pool or a complex pool? I do but I don’t. We are allowed to use my Ma’s best friend’s private pool but I don’t very often. My co-worker who lives across the street has an apartment and I have laid out at her complex’s pool once this year.
  5. What ocean is closest to you? The Gulf of Mexico is at the bottom of Louisiana but I don’t believe I’ve ever been in it.

That’s it for this weeks edition of S.Y.K. If there are things you wish you knew about other bloggers, submit a list of questions you would like to know the answer too and I will use them in future So You Knows. You can do so by chatting with me via email.

Thanks for participating and as always, I love y’all!!!

Revenge of Eve
revenge of eve-letter143

6.2.19

Personal Growth & Goals

The first week of summer comes to an end today and I must say it has been enjoyable. The quality time spent with my daughter is priceless and watching her develop a work ethic is admirable. Everything went as smooth as possible and I look forward to the next week she is here. We have a goal set to work toward as a reward for our hard work. We will reap its benefits early October and it will be a memory making time to be had. I look forward to it.

Things with myself are taking a turn for the better as I have opened myself to the possibilities of living not existing. I see positive changes on the horizon and even a possibility for happiness – one that I’ve never had.

Today I love the person I am becoming and I have faith in her and her ideas.

5.19.19

Mental Health & Recovery
revenge of eve

Waging War

Her words

her ammo.

Pain

her battle.

Branding her

war’s cattle.

The depth of

wounds

sear her soul.

Armor so heavy,

slicing her

flesh.

Onlookers

smell

defeat

without

a second

glance.

A woman

forced

to war,

as society

cast stones.

Fatigue she wears

to honor

her

struggle.

She fight

to earn a spot.

To hold her space

in this

fucked up

place.