An Update On Life

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

Revenge of Eve

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.


❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

Revenge of Eve

revenge of eve

6.2.19

Personal Growth & Goals

The first week of summer comes to an end today and I must say it has been enjoyable. The quality time spent with my daughter is priceless and watching her develop a work ethic is admirable. Everything went as smooth as possible and I look forward to the next week she is here. We have a goal set to work toward as a reward for our hard work. We will reap its benefits early October and it will be a memory making time to be had. I look forward to it.

Things with myself are taking a turn for the better as I have opened myself to the possibilities of living not existing. I see positive changes on the horizon and even a possibility for happiness – one that I’ve never had.

Today I love the person I am becoming and I have faith in her and her ideas.

Please Excuse the Mess

Mental Health & Recovery
Revenge of Eve Logo

As some of you may know, R.O.E. is undergoing some growing pains – most effected by these adjustments is the design. Originally I warned that I would not be investing the time into redesigning because it is likely things will soon change. What I have privately decided is to take it easy on the blogging front over the summer but also, I cannot allow my space to look ugly. Lol…but seriously. There is no way I can click on this site and be proud of any of the content when the photo sizes are customized to suite a premium theme when I have opted for the free site for the time being. I cannot do it. I also will not fret about having everything changed in a set amount of time.

The photo above is my new logo and I love it. I will be making some adjustments to it by trying to remove the glare from the metallic letters but until then, here it is!!


Tell me whatcha think!


I have shifted most of my focus to preserving and enjoying life as it happens. I have been very fortunate in my recovery and I am grateful for that but not long ago I was taken back to a place I never thought I’d revisit. Not because I believed I was cured but because it slammed me against the wall with no mercy. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know something was brewing but I did not expect it to be as severe as it were.

In true Candace form, I looked for the lesson in the pain and boy were there a few this time!! One that I took away was: I have become so comfortable with seclusion that I am not living. Don’t get me wrong, I am comfortable because I truly love the things I spend my time doing these days but for my mental wellness, it is not healthy for me to constantly be alone. Granted my thinking has been minimal, I can still do some damage with my thinker if left to my own devices.

On my creative journey, I have noticed that inspiration for projects come when I am enjoying life at the moment instead of sitting at home searching for it. This is where I draw my creativity from and when I do the bare minimum of it, my creative well runs dry.

Please Excuse the Mess- Revenge of Eve

Having reconnected with my best friend (more on that later) I see a summer spent preparing (my) Kid for her senior year and helping my bestie with her four. This summer marks the second year that we all have not attended a music festival and we are all feeling it!

Being a single parent to four wild children that range in age from 14 – almost 5, I’d say she has her hands full. When a mutual friend reached out to me and insisted I check on her, I made the decision to express the pain I’ve felt from the two years of separation as well as why I had to step away. We cried and as always I devised a plan. One that we will carry out over the summer together.

We have a huge task ahead of us but I know that if we are consistent, it will be successful. I had reached a segment of my recovery where I had to step away from her to continue my journey but in doing so I carried guilt. One that wasn’t allowing me to progress rather contributed to my last breakdown. We have survived this life as one and I refuse to leave her behind to defend for herself and her four rugrats alone. I made it clear to her that I cannot and will not do so but she has to do her part because I can’t do it for her. She agreed. We cried, hugged and now comes time for some serious scheduling and discipline because her children are like ferell children doing as they please and running her home rampid with disrespect and terrible attitudes.

Today (yesterday) is the first day of summer here in NorthWest Louisiana and I am about to put action to a dream plan. I will not be posting verbatim my daily rigamarole but I will keep a notebook and a log. This is to serve as a record keeper for what worked and what didn’t. If you are curious about this project and want to receive progress updates, subscribe to receive theGarden in your inbox!

I am not taking on any projects that go outside of what my focus is. I’ve actually a few things in the works but I’m not going to speak on them because that’s when I place unnecessary pressure on myself and end up failing every single time. Things are looking up and I have no expectations attached. I want to laugh, love and live for crying out loud. That’s it! And those are the three things I am working towards these days, how about you?

A Little Diddy for Mom’s

Life & Relationships

Revenge of Eve

Hold and cuddle them while you can.

Before you know it, it is you they cannot stand.

Wipe their noses and butts,

Help them out of ruts,

Watch as they drive you nuts!

Eyes that once glowed with pride

Go on to swollen and full of tears.

Before you know it, you question

“What happened to all those years?”

You do your best not to pass on your fears.

You give them room to grow.

But we aren’t taught how to cope when our daughter becomes a ho

Or our son an abusive asshole

Or a drug addict,

Or Gay

But, HEY! At least you get ONE day!

So to all the mothers out there…

Don’t think you are alone in a world of perfect moms because none of us have it figured out. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if anyone wants to judge you for that, fuck them, wink back.

A New Rainy Day-Revenge of Eve

A New Rainy Day

Mental Health & Recovery

Today has started

Today I have woke in a significantly better space. My sleep was a bit restless as I tossed and turned. An idea came to mind about creating a canvass and that idea kept me thinking about my own experience. Not an experience that I wanted to keep me awake, I will say that. One of being molested at the age of fourteen. I was a willing participant in the act but I can’t help but to think of how sick the 32 year old man was/is. Although I was willing how can a man for one minute believe that a fourteen year old knows what she is doing when it comes to sex and the activities that it involves. It is disturbing to say the least. Disturbing that I thought it was cool that a man of his age would want anything to do with a young teen and more disgusting that he did.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever disclosed this information but the weight of it felt extremely heavy last night and so, I decided if I hadn’t wrote about it, I would. The man is my step-uncles twin brother. Gross, right? I will not allow this to consume my thoughts today but I will tell y’all the idea I had. In the world of creative journaling, tabs are a big deal. Tabs? You ask. The tabs that stick out to make it easier to find a specific section, rather the tabs I reference are for decoration purposes.

These tabs can be made of sturdy cardstock, cardboard, fabric, anything you can staple to the side of the paper to make it easier to access a specific page. Well, for one reason or another, I thought it would a neat idea to have those who have been molested, willing or not, make a tab that represents the act they wish to forget. The tabs would be mailed to me and I will staple them to a thin canvass, creating a piece of art that collectively has been created from victims across the globe. Once the canvass is full, it could be auctioned off with 100% of the proceeds to victims of molestation. Let me know what you think of this idea. I will provide photos of what I mean when I say a tab, below.

Revenge of Eve

This isn’t to distract from me as much as it is to get out of pity. Let me know what you think of the idea. If it so happens you experienced such acts more than once, make tabs for each occasion. The tabs do not have to be pretty. They can be torn, wrinkled, ink-stained, whatever your idea is, I support. If there is an interest, we can do this together. I’m sure I could scan an outline of a tab for those who would prefer there to be a guide. If you wanted to write your abusers initials on the tab, do so. My hope is that this will help with letting the act(s) go.

Revenge of Eve

**Post update: I will purchase a post office box soon and will publish a post with the address for those interested. This can be an anonymous participation. I will not attach any personal information to the piece of canvass related to the tabs.

revenge of eve

5.6.19

Life & Relationships

I’m done with role play.

Either accept me

Or walk away.

I will no longer coddle

Or cater

And say,

I’m sorry,

later.

I am setting

And

Respecting this boundary

And if you take this personal,

That’s on you.

I hate to sound

Like a cold-hearted

Bitch.

No longer will I claim

Bipolar, alcoholic, introvert,

addict, …bitch,

….I could go on

But instead, I

will move forward.

With or without you

that’s up to you.


I am just a girl

Who wants to

be…

herself.

To…

Believe in herself.

Revenge of Eve

I Chose Life

Mental Health & Recovery

Today I was on the verge.

The verge of suicide.

I wrote my note.

I looked for the gun –

It wasn’t there.

Luck?

I’ll never know.

It was the calmest I’ve been in a while and even I commented such, out loud.

My guardians, I called upon.

One by name.

A decision was made

No bother to reach out.

Attention is all that would stand to gain.

I sent my I Love You’s to the four that matter.

None of this fuck’n matters

Replays over and over in my head.

The realization that I’ve played a role, one assigned to me, is a harsh reality.

Why wouldn’t they give me a glamorous one?

There is no time for blame.

Ironically, those who ask

What’s wrong

are the ones that aren’t ready to see their part in your shame.

Expectations to be a no-body carries a weight.

One that I must shake,

For my life is at stake.


Letter143-Revenge of Eve

5.3.19

Mental Health & Recovery

Trying

I am trying not to beat myself up over the fact that much of what I wanted to accomplish this year is not happening. In my best attempt to remain optimistic about the future while not focusing on the future, I am struggling. Reality is setting in today as I sit here suffering from an extreme migraine.

I was forced to call out of work today due to a migraine and ever since waking, I have spiraled downward at a rate of speed that is not controllable. I feel like some most days I am pretending. Pretending that everything is ok when in fact, it is not. Yes I have listened to a life changing podcast but that does not erase 40 years of unhealthy coping skills. It does not undo the negative self-talk that repeatedly plays in my head and it will not remove this headache from throbbing or the clinching of my jaw or the fact I am just pissed off right now. At what? Everything. For being who I am. For allowing others to influence how I feel or dictate what I do, for allowing myself a day without work, whether that be at my job or for the things I do at home, even though I have been forced too by a headache.

It bothers me that I have spread myself so thin that I want to quit everything I’ve committed to (with one exception). It really fuck’n bothers me that I am considering publishing this post of nothing but bitching. I normally try my best to not put out ranting posts because there is plenty of that already but some days I feel as though I deserve one or two a year when in fact what exactly gives me this impression anyways?

Every thought I have comes with a contradicting thought. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity when in fact I am in intolerable pain.. level 9 for those who would like a number, and my best bet is to go back to sleep but nothing will be accomplished by doing that either. But whatever happens today will be prevented from being accomplished by this nasty attitude and this screaming migraine. This screen is killing my light sensitive eyes.

Adding to the cesspool of shit I am currently in, my daughter has her first shot at a state title for track tomorrow and as it appears, I will not be able to attend. The event is four hours away. I took off of work for this but my migraines have a tendency to draw out over two sometimes three days. I cannot be anymore of a disappointment to her. I can’t take all of this. Not today, not today.

letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.19.19

Personal Growth & Goals

I am ready to let go of the attachment

that has caused me to quit giving.

I am a giving person

and do so with thought

But

That’s stopped.

I am ready to rid myself of

the idea

I am not good enough.

I am.

I am ready to initiate change in my life

and

trust the outcome.

I have stopped trying to find

me

And now

Allowing it to be.

I am stepping from behind

what everyone expects,

including me;

Me to be.

Revenge of Eve

Silent Sufferer

Life & Relationships

An unbearable sadness

To tame

A story

different…

yet

The same

A life sentence

Imprisoned

to a life of shame

Ridden with guilt

Themselves

They blame

No words can explain

The epic tragedy

A mothers child

Taken in vain


Revenge of Eve
©

dedicated to: D, Wendy, & L

I work with D’s and Wendy’s daughters and L is D’s best friend. What these three have in common is something I wish to NEVER experience. Each of them have mourned a child and the scenarios are different but the pain, one in the same.

Wendy had six children and lost two boys, separately, to the streets. D survived an abusive relationship, at the cost of her child’s life. And L… oh the pain of mourning her child… An abusive man with a gun, to her head, forced her to walk away only later to say the daughter they shared were dead. Doing all she knew how she continued scrapping by only to be contacted by her daughter 30+ years later.

These wounded women live life with a piece(s) of themselves missing. The pain of such loss I cannot comprehend. These women’s stories have found me recently and all I can hope is that it isn’t to prepare me for the same thing.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, provide them access to resources that will help to get them out. Do not wait until this is their story.


Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or if you have questions about abuse, we can help.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) thehotline.org
1-866-331-9474 loveisrespect.org text “loveis” to 22522

Office on Women’s Health: resource page

Psych Central: resource page offers hotline numbers for many situations. A great resource page to bookmark. Information provided for both United States and the U.K.