Last Day

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery

Trembling,
her toes grip
the edge of the cliff.

According to society,
as a mother,
she is unfit.

How about sick?

Burdened since birth,
life is her curse.
Punishment
and
Continuous
pain.

Not quite insane.

On the edge she hang.
Shattered pieces
held together
by a fragile frame.
Never again the
same.

Fingers pointed
and
opinions shared
yet not one solution.
She gets it.
They have no care.
Rather
they stare.

Exploit her.
Ostracize her.
Pity her.
Shame her.
Reject her.
Judge her.

and Berate her
until
she’s weak.

She kneels.
No longer can she stand.
Doubt lingers
while pointing fingers.
Control it
they say.

She pleads,
Let this be my last day.

revenge of eve-letter143

7.15.19

Personal Growth & Goals

On my two year blogging anniversary I question, “Can I recover?”.

But I will not ruminate on such thought because I am a warrior. I have no choice but to fight for myself. No one else will.

This too shall pass.

And when it does, I have learned and earned my growth.

That day is worth working towards.

5.19.19

Mental Health & Recovery
revenge of eve

Waging War

Her words

her ammo.

Pain

her battle.

Branding her

war’s cattle.

The depth of

wounds

sear her soul.

Armor so heavy,

slicing her

flesh.

Onlookers

smell

defeat

without

a second

glance.

A woman

forced

to war,

as society

cast stones.

Fatigue she wears

to honor

her

struggle.

She fight

to earn a spot.

To hold her space

in this

fucked up

place.

Because of You

Mental Health & Recovery

Sunshine in my soul


It is so easy to fall within the frame of mind that lends itself to negativity without realizing how it contributes to the negative vibes that sometimes consume our world but today, I refuse to do so. Today I will not feel like my happiness is set up rather enjoy it and accept it.

Too often I find that I am guilty of wallering in moments that have passed but because of me, they remain. I’m going to let go of any of that and appreciate the beauty in the small gifts I am gifted, today.

More specifically:

  • The weather is absolutely gorgeous in Louisiana today!!
  • My sweet J-Baby cooperated so nicely while I groomed him.
  • My daughter will have this day as a canvass to build upon and remember as she has her varsity soccer try-outs today.
  • I am off work.
  • I have my freedom.
  • I have a support system that is the foundation for building my self-confidence.
  • I have learned that this moment is all I have and knowing such has altered the way I see life in general.
  • I am learning to let go of what I cannot control and it is the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced.
  • I have mobility in that I can walk, use my arms and hands, and my thumbs which typed this gratitude post 😉
  • I have a healthy, thriving, intelligent child.
  • I belong to an amazing community of like-minded bloggers who encourage me from all over the world.
  • Today, I believe in myself.
  • Acknowledging my faults and learning from my mistakes is a strength I often dismiss but not today.

I could go on but I will stop with those because I’ve got some vitamin D to soak up!!!☀
What are some things that you are grateful for today?? Let me know in the comments.


I hope all who read this realize the impact you have had on my life. Words do no justice for when trying to express that. Because of many of you, I have the will to live and not just exist. Y’all have singlehandedly changed the way I view myself, my potential and my purpose which has completely changed my perspective about this thing we call life. That’s huge for someone who wanted to die 10 days ago and from the bottom of my heart

Thank You!

I love y’all!

A Little Diddy for Mom’s

Life & Relationships

Revenge of Eve

Hold and cuddle them while you can.

Before you know it, it is you they cannot stand.

Wipe their noses and butts,

Help them out of ruts,

Watch as they drive you nuts!

Eyes that once glowed with pride

Go on to swollen and full of tears.

Before you know it, you question

“What happened to all those years?”

You do your best not to pass on your fears.

You give them room to grow.

But we aren’t taught how to cope when our daughter becomes a ho

Or our son an abusive asshole

Or a drug addict,

Or Gay

But, HEY! At least you get ONE day!

So to all the mothers out there…

Don’t think you are alone in a world of perfect moms because none of us have it figured out. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if anyone wants to judge you for that, fuck them, wink back.

Writing Myself Well

Mental Health & Recovery

I’m Not Well

That is the most honest statement I’ve written. I am not well. It is taking everything in me at the moment to type these words. What happened? Nothing specifically but enough to leave me in my bed going on a week now. This post won’t be full of frill or begging for sympathy. I am just curious if it is possible to write myself well.

What does that mean? I’m not sure but I do know I love my blog and this community. I apologize for not responding to any of the comments and I will get to that soon. Currently, my hands shake as I type and I want to close my laptop. I may. I may not.  I don’t know what to say. I am learning that just because I do not want to be bipolar, does not make me not bipolar.

I’ve had a manic episode for approximately nine months now. That’s a long time to be up and my plan is to not be down that long. But here’s the catch. I don’t have a plan. Oh but wait! I am working on one. I see a new counselor on Monday. I am here, writing and I plan to touch base at least once a day. What I write is all dependant on how I feel. I will try to be social but at this point, no promises. I consume myself with others as a distraction from working on myself. I’ve said this for years but the reality of it has slapped me in the face. It hurts. I am hurting.

What does writing myself well mean? I don’t know but I am at the point I will try anything. Over the past two years, I have slowly come to understand that I am worthy of life. Even typing that confuses me because I have learned it but find it hard to believe 100%. Who determines…I have a million questions that will never be answered. I’m not hoing to waste anymore time on those. I want to be better.

I’ll admit there have been times when being sick was easier than putting in the work it takes to get well but that is not the case this go ’round. This time is different. What’s even harder for me to understand is the number of people who believe that being this way is a choice. Why on Earth would anyone choose to live this way? How is this my fault? How do I stop it? I’d rather not exist but instead, I have this and a life that I have been given. For what I have yet to discover. But I, like you, have a purpose.

revenge of eve-letter143

5.6.19

Life & Relationships

I’m done with role play.

Either accept me

Or walk away.

I will no longer coddle

Or cater

And say,

I’m sorry,

later.

I am setting

And

Respecting this boundary

And if you take this personal,

That’s on you.

I hate to sound

Like a cold-hearted

Bitch.

No longer will I claim

Bipolar, alcoholic, introvert,

addict, …bitch,

….I could go on

But instead, I

will move forward.

With or without you

that’s up to you.


I am just a girl

Who wants to

be…

herself.

To…

Believe in herself.

Revenge of Eve

I Chose Life

Mental Health & Recovery

Today I was on the verge.

The verge of suicide.

I wrote my note.

I looked for the gun –

It wasn’t there.

Luck?

I’ll never know.

It was the calmest I’ve been in a while and even I commented such, out loud.

My guardians, I called upon.

One by name.

A decision was made

No bother to reach out.

Attention is all that would stand to gain.

I sent my I Love You’s to the four that matter.

None of this fuck’n matters

Replays over and over in my head.

The realization that I’ve played a role, one assigned to me, is a harsh reality.

Why wouldn’t they give me a glamorous one?

There is no time for blame.

Ironically, those who ask

What’s wrong

are the ones that aren’t ready to see their part in your shame.

Expectations to be a no-body carries a weight.

One that I must shake,

For my life is at stake.


revenge of eve-letter143

5.5.19

Mental Health & Recovery
revenge of eve

It’s coming soon

It’d be easier if I let it

But you see

That’s the problem.

I have some control

And give me any,

I take it all

by

holding shit up.

Why can’t I just let things

just be.

And go naturally.

Just be,

Candace Lynne,

Just

Be.