And While It May Be

Personal Growth & Goals

And while this transition may be painful I’ve realized where the struggle lies. I am letting go of the me I built to protect myself, the only me I know. I am learning to control myself. Not the things around me.

Call it 40, or whatever you’d like but I know for me, it’s awkward as fuck. I don’t know if you realize what I just said in that first paragraph but that shit is A LOT for me.!.!!!.!

I am ashamed to be myself and that is the damage done by my father wanting me to be someone I’m not. These revelations are coming to me in waves. And guess what?? I’m not drowning. Maybe I’m floating but so what, I’m aware, learning, growing and giving. I don’t want to resort to being a cold-hearted bitch because that’s not me so I’ve decided to do for those who are unable to do for themselves. Help them to believe in themselves. Give those a chance that others dispose of. I will prevail from this darkness a stronger person than I went in and when I do, I will be ready to be used as the vessel I chose to be.


For the record, I didn’t feel like that was me speaking but with confidence I publish this post. Not as a warning but as a prediction.

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6.28.19

Mental Health & Recovery

*language warning*

I am finding this time of my life extremely difficult. Each time I feel as though I advance on a spiritual level, something material or childish, immature behavior on behalf of others, pulls me down. I want to run away. Sell my car and live on the streets. This race to maintain and all the glory given to the almighty dollar has my life in shambles. Do you know how it feels to say “I am unhappy. I want to quit my job” and to have your mother remind you that you have bills?? Because she “wants to mentor me”. Are you fucking kidding me? Mentor a 40-year-old?!! For crying out loud, it’s a little fuck’n late don’tcha think???

And life with a teen is pure bliss. If I see her. She’s in and out. When she’s in, she’s laid up in her room without a care in the world. The world spins for her and what else is there to do? Or that’s what I assume she thinks because hell, I have no clue what she thinks. Every time I think I do, I get it wrong.

Do you ever feel like there is always someone standing over your shoulder criticizing every step you take? That’s what life feels like for me and it fuck’n sucks!!! Because if we gonna do that, I got a list for them too…but I do not want to feed into that energy but…Did I mention it fuck’n sucks? No one wants to evaluate themselves. They’d rather point out everything you do “wrong”. I’m over it!!

I’d like to touch on gossiping and I mean barely skim over the subject: GROW SOME BALLS AND COMMUNICATE!!! And to the two-faced people out there…grow the fuck up. You think you are slick?? You are a waste of time. Stop trying to snake your way into friendships because who you truly are will soon surface.

I’m going to take a nap and try again. Let’s hope I feel better when I wake up because right now….

Back on Track

Personal Growth & Goals

Distracted

We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.

I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!

Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.

The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.

It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.


If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!

(6.23.19)

* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *

R.O.E. 411

R.O.E. Need To Know

Last month I thought my WordPress plan was set to renew but that is only done when you have a card on file. My plan wasn’t due to expire until the 30th of May and while I had the money to renew last month, I decided not too for a few reasons.

Revenge of Eve
  • I am unsure of which plan will best suit my needs for the next twelve months
  • I have not decided on my set plan of attack for selling my memory keeping journals and journaling packets
  • I haven’t weighed my options about the benefits of having a paid for plan verses a free site considering I do not have a plan mapped out for selling things online
  • I have missed too much work to invest in something without seeing a return immediately
  • My only fret is that my design layout will be affected and I am not so certain I will invest the time to get it how I want it due to when I do decide having to invest the time on the new site
  • I have stepped back from blogging and reading blogs daily to avoid burnout
  • My personal life needs attention
  • The domain remains mine because it was purchased separately and at a later date from the plan so I do not fear the loss of it
  • I want to be more intentional with all I do from here on out
  • Direction, routine, and scheduling are things high on my short list of priorities and sticking to them is my biggest priority
  • A free site is suitable for the time being and forces me to establish an action plan in regards to my desires to work from home
  • I am unsure if I want to air my personal life in the same space I want to develop a professional relationship with customers
  • I may use a free site for personal and launch a professional site using a paid for site…the problem there lies not being able to transfer my following to my business site but having my followers on my free site allows them the choice to follow if my business is targeted at their individual interests
  • I’ve attempted operating two sites before and one suffered and the other never quite took off but in comparison to beginning my first site, it did well
  • I do not want to abandon my R.O.E. as my web persona but I also want to be respected professionaly
  • I have no clue what direction I want to go in professionally speaking
  • I am working on a few projects so my time is limited

Did I say a few reasons? Lol… It’s more than a few and I need more time to sort things out. The purpose of this post was to a. receive feedback and suggestions from my loyal followers b. to have my thoughts/questions/concerns listed out for reference c. to inform y’all that the overall design of R.O.E. is soon to change due to the fact that final decisions have not been made. Free themes are limited to chose from and if I am honest, I’m not pressuring myself to invest the time it takes to design a website without knowing my next move. If you have any insight into the operations of the WordPress business plan, Etsy, or Shopify please let me know your experience in the comments. Or do you use a self-hosted platform? If so, how much behind the scenes work is required? It is difficult and much more time consuming? Any feedback is great feedback!!

Revenge of Eve

5.18.19

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Presence Presents

Acceptance is just that.

Accept.

Repeat.

The present moment offers dreams.

Answers to questions to unsolved curiosities are found.

The presence of love can be found.

An alternate perception is had.

A flower’s scent is sensed.

An airplane heard.

A baby soothed.

Growth from within felt.

Positive energy flows.

Consciousness you’ll know.

Awareness is experienced on a whole new level.

A wholeness is felt.

A oneness seems possible.

Hope is restored.


On this full moon’s night my mind, of course, takes flight. Resembling a warrior fighting their toughest of fights, I stay present with all my might. Moments of times past try to haunt my efforts of remaining present and so I fight. I smell the scent of the flowers, I feel the breeze from the storm that is rolling in. The goosebumps take over my skin with each lightning strike. Tonight these moments give me hope. A hope that wavers with each passing second. A hope that holds tight and reminds me what it is I love about full moons night.

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To my only child:

We share the same moon and when you look at it know that I look at it too. No matter the distance that is in between, together forever we will be. Despite the wedge those drive between our bond, the universe knows where each of us belongs. My heart sings only one song. It is that of a mom who wants only the best yet who stands buried by life’s test. I know in my heart the moon cleanses the rest. My sincerest love is all I have to give, this I confess. Momma loves you although times are stressed and I hope you realize such with the energy of tonight’s full moon that my love for you never rests. – Momma loves you Luce ❤

On Awakening (I pathetically beg you to read)

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

The Shift

I must let it be known to anyone who is ready for an awakening within themselves or the world, it’s happening in me and it is painful! If you are on a spiritual journey of any kind you have most likely heard of Eckard Tolle and if you haven’t heard of him, you have got to look him up!!

(Click his name above to be directed and discover the purpose of his foundation)


2019

I claimed 2019 to be the year of self-discovery and I had NO idea what I was in for! None, zilch, notta. The pessimist in me prepares for the worse but the journey I am being led down has me experiencing a hurt for the world in our current state of existence. The suffering and pain I am feeling may prove too much to bear.

My assumption was that I would experience sadness from revisiting painful moments that I never allowed myself to fully feel yet I am feeling so much more. Everything I was taught and all I thought about life is being challenged by the spiritual teachings of Eckard Tolle. And I don’t mean challenged as in an argument, I mean for the greater good. The weight of emotions I am feeling I attribute to the pain and suffering being experienced as a collective whole.

At this point, I don’t care if I sound crazy, I have to share so others have the opportunity to tune in. For those who question any belief outside of religion and even those who do not, anyone soul searching, agnostics, atheists, average folks…everyone!! This information is for US and it is in your best interest to take advantage of being taught about the shift happening. It is hard to conceptualize the extent to which things are discussed but I feel his words with every fiber of my being. You will too. Just listen. Don’t think, don’t resist, don’t judge, but don’t say I don’t warn you about the difficult realizations you will have.

This isn’t a scam to get you to follow a person and his beliefs, this is the way back to our true selves. He goes in depth about ego, our idea of God, our brains, our consciousness, and more. You don’t have to be intelligent or rich or white or any of that bullshit for this information to impact you.

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Stop making that face! Have faith!

This isn’t some new modern shit that will fade away rather a shift that must happen in order for us as a species to continue moving forward and it’s happening whether we like it or not.

People use the term millennial to disguise the first generation the shift has impacted in a blanketed fashion. Older generations are doubtful because it puts everything they were taught and taught in the spotlight as wrong (language..more on that) but this isn’t about being right or wrong, this is about healing as a whole. Believe me, I’m the last one to advocate for our species because in my opinion, we are fucked and we did it to ourselves. This approach is much kinder.

There are no fees, no membership, and no, it isn’t witchcraft or a cult nor is it a belief system that threatens you to flames, condemning you to hell on the basis of decision. This is a legit explanation, to the extent, our minds can conceptualize, as far as our existence in the human form is concerned.

Naturally, some will want to challenge this notion but the catch is your words may spew challenges but if you live by this teaching, there is no denying the truth behind it. Not one person can do as suggested and prove error.

That’s a bold statement especially for someone like myself. I don’t just believe what I am told. I am doer, a leader, and a woman who has experienced pain and grief to the extent of losing my sanity.

Adaptation

We developed words to guide us in communicating and somewhere along these lines we began to use these words to define who we are, what we are supposed to do according to these roles, and that’s where we went wrong. The language of love is all we need and because of a language we developed, we couldn’t be any further from our original being. We use words and labels to define our surrounding and in terms of what’s right and what is wrong, this is right. How do I know? I don’t know. It’s a feeling. I’ve never felt so right in my life. Another huge statement!

I am using terms we are familiar with that describe what it is that is happening within me. I am not saying you are wrong in your beliefs. I am speaking from my perspective but I challenge you to make it yours. Process it how you will but take the action it takes to implement the suggestions.

What really convinces me of this theory is the fact there is no insult to other opinions in order to put emphasis on this way of operating. There are no side effects other than tears and a bit of confusion but compared to the ones Big Pharma would have us all on, that’s nothing!! And these are second to the feelings I have about this….and you all know, I NEVER TRUST MYSELF. My intuition has spiked off the charts as though my inner child is pushing me to be set free. If I’ve never trusted myself before, I do now.

Normally I would be hesitant to share anything that goes against the grain and this doesn’t even do that!!! All you are required to do is be present, sit with your emotions as they occur, and move on with the next minute. Don’t get me wrong, those simple ideas are hard to do when our world screams instant, now, immediate, fix, cure, solve and even better…the promise of happiness. Never one time does he use words to make promises or glorify the end result. Why? Because it speaks for itself.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice I require used to require words for others to understand me and I revoke each and every time I thought or said so. I do not need to be defined. I am. It is our very words that are causing us to melt. This makes total sense of the decline in mental health.

As I explore the present moment I truly realize it is all we have. Saying so and knowing so are two different things. My journey has only begun but I have hope whereas I hadn’t prior to discovering Eckard Tolle. I share this information with y’all because I know we all struggle most especially within the mental health community and I will promote this until my last breath.

I share because I care! Give it a chance…you have nothing to lose!! And if you do, make sure you pass on what his teachings have done for you.

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Ps. When you read or listen to the teaching PLEASE pingback to this post or email me and let me know you have done so…I would LOVE to hear what it does for others. If you have Spotify you can be taught this on Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast. The name of the episodes is called A New Earth. There are 10 episodes each an hour long. Use the hashtag #daretoshare

letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.19.19

Personal Growth & Goals

I am ready to let go of the attachment

that has caused me to quit giving.

I am a giving person

and do so with thought

But

That’s stopped.

I am ready to rid myself of

the idea

I am not good enough.

I am.

I am ready to initiate change in my life

and

trust the outcome.

I have stopped trying to find

me

And now

Allowing it to be.

I am stepping from behind

what everyone expects,

including me;

Me to be.

letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.16.19

Life & Relationships

Have You?


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to tell your child that life gets better?

Of course, and mean it.

I can’t even imagine the sight of a world where that would be true.

My faith in humanity is put to the test on a daily basis,

mere moments after being restored.

Without such tug-a-war,

Our lives are sure to bore.

If only evolution lessened the pain.

How can we change a society who sees nothing more to gain?

Our lives structured in time frame.

If I teach my child kindness,

Won’t you do the same?



I would be lying if I claimed to be happy, today. It truly sucks that this existence of mine is shared with others who lie, cheat, steal, judge, envy, plot, and watch with bated breath for another to fall. When the fuck will we rise to help all?

This world breaks my heart and I often don’t want any part. The moment I trust or rely on another, I am shown the ugliness that is man. Not sure how much more I can stand.

We are not supposed to expect, but can’t we begin with mutual respect?

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K

Mental Health & Recovery

It’s been a while!!

Hey guys!! I feel like it has been forever!! I hope all is well with everyone. Life has been going at a rate that I am finding hard to keep up with. There aren’t enough hours in a day. Shoo!

Operations are still hit and miss around here as I try to find where all of this fits into the scheme of life. If I am honest, I’d much rather be busy doing this all day then any of the other shit I’ve some how become obligated to do. Yuck.

Join us each Monday for new questions. Its easy to participate!!

Let’s Get the Show on the Road!!

So You Know
So You Know

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

This weeks question may challenge some of you but I encourage you to push through.

  • What is your biggest fear?
  • When did you recognize it as the biggest?
  • What happened that caused you to recognize it?
  • Has it ever happened to you or anyone you love?
  • Have you tried to overcome? If so, how and what was the result?
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Previous S.Y.K. questions (my answers)

As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not? I feel as though I will leave behind an intelligent, independent, proactive, emotionally stable being. As far as the world being a safe place, that will not happen as long as humans exist and have free will. It isn’t the world I worry about being safe as much as I hope my child is safe.

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole? I think a lot more beings are waking up to the fact that there is damage that has been done. As far as it stands now, I feel like it is more damage control verses moving in the right direction. Awareness is key and we are slowly getting there.

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects. In my personal instance my mother is a baby boomer born in 1955. Between us the biggest difference is communication. The way she was raised children and more specifically women were meant to be seen, not heard. The complete opposite is true of my generation. Its negative effects lead to assumptions, confrontation instead of conversation. and silent resentments. This is very unhealthy and extremely so for those of us in substance abuse recovery.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why? Ooooo well.. A Youngster of course but the way I’ve always been pissed at the world, I know I’ve done this before.

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance? If given the chance I wouldn’t chose this realm, ever. No generation could entice me enough…if given the choice. I would simply reply, “None. No thank you”.

About tomorrow

I am slowly waking up to the fact that all we have is now. It is easy to say but the process is odd, uncomfortable, and confusing. There are things that are lining out that I never knew were wrinkled and many of the things I thought were one way, have been turning out another way. I do my best to not attach expectations to situations. It turns out much better that way but what about tomorrow? Will it come? When it does, will we understand more?

There is a shift happening y’all and if you can’t feel it, try too. There is a ton of activity surrounding us. Please do not shrug and chalk it up- just allow yourself to be. Don’t think. Only breathe. Then tell me what you felt. Maybe you’ll be better at describing it.

Revenge of Eve