Her Ticks

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

She holds her head in her hands.

Pulling handfuls, from the roots.

Her knuckles tighten and her nails simultaneously pinch and dig.

This self-inflicted pain numbs her core, if only for a moment.

From the corners of her thumbs, she will lift her nails. Separtaing them from the skin.

She has this bite right. Layer after layer until the taste of blood satisfies her. Tapping the sides and tips of her fingers on hard surfaces reminds her the pain still lingers.

Working her way through the rest eight fingernails.

Twirling her hair is her nervous energy but once she begins, there is no end. Slithering through her fingers with the last flip under her nose. She closes her eyes at the softeness above her lip before she tugs, giving her root a hug.

She fidgets, day in and day out.

What’s that about??

With bated breath, she enters the room. Scanning the room before she gasps. She does so thinking her anxiety will pass.

Gum keeps her thoughts steady. As steady as can be for a twitchy girl. Her leg bounces higher in loud spaces. Small, metal bistro tables rattle an annoying rhythm. But bounce she must. Lord forbid she start to fuss.

Girl, ain’t afraid to cuss.

Rigid are her edges,

a calloused heart encaged. Hasn’t seen the light in ages. She chops it up to phases.

You see, she is ok as is,

it is others who find discomfort in her twirl, bite, bounce, chew, and twitch.

The result, in which…

has turned her into a cold-hearted bitch.

Last Day

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery

Trembling,
her toes grip
the edge of the cliff.

According to society,
as a mother,
she is unfit.

How about sick?

Burdened since birth,
life is her curse.
Punishment
and
Continuous
pain.

Not quite insane.

On the edge she hang.
Shattered pieces
held together
by a fragile frame.
Never again the
same.

Fingers pointed
and
opinions shared
yet not one solution.
She gets it.
They have no care.
Rather
they stare.

Exploit her.
Ostracize her.
Pity her.
Shame her.
Reject her.
Judge her.

and Berate her
until
she’s weak.

She kneels.
No longer can she stand.
Doubt lingers
while pointing fingers.
Control it
they say.

She pleads,
Let this be my last day.

revenge of eve-letter143

8.5.19

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?

Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.

You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K.

Life & Relationships

So You Know!

Well, hello folks and welcome back to R.O.E.’s question series. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve had one but we can just pick right on up where we left off🙂

If you are new to So You Know, I’ll give you a quick run down.

So You Know is a series of question intended to bring readers closer to the personal lives of their favorite bloggers. By following a few simple rules you to can give your reader insight into your life.

  • Create a post or answer the questions in the comments.
  • Create a pingback to this post. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll explain how to do so. It’s easy!!
  • Answer the questions honestly

See? Easy, huh?


  1. Do you feel confident in expressing how you feel about particular things? Example: sharing your opinion or protecting your boundaries
  2. Do you have someone who holds all of your life’s secrets or do you keep everything to yourself?
  3. What is the one quality you look for in a friend?
  4. What is the one quality you possess that you are most fond of in others?
  5. List five words you would use to describe yourself. Only five words.
Revenge of Eve

My answers to the last S.Y.K.

  1. Do you take a vacation during the summer months? If so, what amount of time do you travel (days, weeks)? My daughter and I make a point to attend a music festival each year. The length of stay varies but up to one week.
  2. Do you meet up with family or friends at the destination? Each year in September the women of my family vacation in Florida for a week but I haven’t attended in a few years.
  3. What has been your favorite destination spot? I enjoy Florida but I love Arkansas.
  4. What has been your worst traveling experience? When I was four months pregnant I was flying to Utah and before loading on the plane I needed something to eat but my debt card would not process the transaction. I was sick the whole plane trip.
  5. If you do not travel each summer, what do you do to escape your reality? What’s reality? Lol

I’ll Make An Exception

R.O.E. Need To Know

Honored

Although Revenge of Even is an award-free blog, I’ll make an exception considering I was nominated for the same award twice in the same day.!!

The Mystery Blogger Award

Suzi from My Colourful Life and Cyranny of Cyranny’s Cove both nominated me for this lovely award.

What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

“It’s an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

Rules

{I don’t follow rules 😉}

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
  5. Answer the 5 questions you were asked.
  6. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  7. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
  8. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  9. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question.
  10. Share a link to your best post(s).

Suzi’s Questions

  1. What is the weirdest thing that has happened to you? Ever?? Probably watching myself from above myself. It was psychosis but I was literally floating above myself and looking at the top of my head and I had my legs cross crossed (up in the chair). My vision was blurry but that was some weird shit!
  2. What is your biggest accomplishment? I should probably say my sobriety but it’s my blog. No, it doesn’t generate income or is it the most organized, problem-solving, solution-based space on the web but it’s something I began and have no intentions of quitting. It isn’t that I ever intend to quit anything but it takes A LOT to keep me interested. I have also learned copious amounts of patience by being a self-taught blogger.
  3. What are you most proud of? My daughter.
  4. (Weird/funny) If you were to be arrested, what would it be for? Marijuana or fighting 😲
  5. (Shameless self-promotion) Would you like to be featured as part of my Saturday Shout Out series? Sure!!

Suzi also nominated Cyranny and she forgoe her questions therefore leaving me one set to answer 🙂

3 Things About Me

  • My right, big toe was cut off in a bicycle accident when I was three. I rode to the hospital in a firetruck and they had my toe in a ziplock bag of ice. I don’t remember the incident but I have a scar to prove it happened. *did you know our big toes are our center of balance? So if we meet and I tip over just standing there, it’s my normal 😂
  • I will not ever eat broccoli or cooked cabbage!
  • I am of the original candy kids. Candy kid is a name given to youngsters who travel to go to raves. A rave is a party where edm (electronic dance music) is played at extremely high volumes while laser lights dance all over the crowd. Drugs are plentiful but most commonly distributed is extascy (mdma). I was friends with a lot of the headliner DJ’s and the speakers were my stage. It allowed me to breathe amongst the crowd and feel the beats through my feet, to my core. “Candy” is the jewelry attendees make, wear, and exchange as a display of love, terming us Candy Kids.

And that about wraps this up folks!!

Thanks Suzi and Cyranny for thinking of me!! Feel free to participate and say I nominated you!!! Let’s see if you follow rules better than me!

Officially…

Personal Growth & Goals

It is Official

It is the last weekend of summer vacation, for the last time 🙁

My daughter starts her senior year in five days!! Wow! It hasn’t quite registered that 13 years of schooling will soon come to an end but waking this morning the thought hit me.

I mean we look forward to these days, right? I have almost made the decision to leave this area when my daughter graduates and writing this makes it seem as though I need to make the decision. Not permanently rather explore and be wowed. I need to stand on the edge of a volcano, next to a waterfall, or count the stars from the desert. I am restless. Bored and starved of inspiration.

Official Revenge of Eve

But before I think about any of that, I must make sure to take each day, from the first day of school to the last, to be present with my daughter. Recovery is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t give back the days you lost while actively using. I knew when I had my daughter that she was it for me and instead of absorbing every milestone, we cheered and moved on to the next. Accomplishment after accomplishment checked off making each a distant memory. There are things I wish I had made a bigger deal and of course, the opposite is true. My goddaughter starts kindergarten this year and that really brings all of this into perspective. My child will soon (February) be an official adult.

She has always been treated as a person, never a child and that makes me wonder if that was the right approach. How much of a childhood did she really have? Does she appreciate that we’ve always respected her as an individual? Should we have done more to make sure she wasn’t too mature?

There are so many unanswered questions but from looking at the way she carries herself, presents herself, makes decisions, and respects herself, I must say, we (our family village), did some things right. Sure she is a little lazy, some days entitled, and other days moody but for the most part, she’s a decent, kind, compassionate, and persistent young lady.

But annnnywayyyys!

I finally got around to editing my site icon. Whatcha think about? Personally, I’m dig’n it.

I will end this note with please be kind to yourself today. You deserve the finest pleasures and joy just as much as the next guy. I love you and really, that’s enough for a few people!!

Be Kind to Yourself

Kind Hearted Challenge – August Edition

R.O.E. Need To Know

I have attempted to reblog this post for the majority of the day!! After many failed attempts, I finally was successful using my laptop!! Sheesh. Check this act of kindness out. It truly is contagious. I am honored to have inspired such a positive display of kind-heartedness. Do participate, please!!

Cyranny's Cove

20190713_000439

Happy first day of August, Lovelies!

As you might know, I have been waiting for a while to post this, and I am quite excited to finally launch this new, monthly Kind Hearted Challenge!

What is the Kind Hearted Challenge about?

It is really simple… First of all, it is not a challenge per se, but more an invitation to take a moment and think about doing kind things around you. You don’t have to participate every month, and if you join in, you have all month to complete your mission.

I think that spreading the word out is the best way to get at least a couple of people to think “You know what? That’s really easy, I think I’ll give it a try!” There are so many free, easy acts of kindness that we can do in our everyday life… Things to make other people around us…

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Revenge of Eve

Working On Us Week 9

Mental Health & Recovery

As life would have it, I have missed a few weeks of my friends Working On Us series but not this week!!! Beckie from Beckies Mental Mess is one of the most supportive bloggers in the mental health community. She shows her support through comments and her words of encouragement have lifted the veil of gloom for myself many times! If you are not friends with her, I highly recommend finding a way to be!


Prompt #1 Questions:

  • Have you ever received music therapy as part of your treatment? If so, what kind of music was introduced to you? Unfortunately, no.
  • Do you listen to music ( if/when) you meditate? If so, what kind of music do you listen to? I have not found a way to integrate music as a part of therapy as suggested by a professional. I do, however, listen to music all the time.
  • If you have never tried music therapy as a treatment, what types of music calm and/or mellow you? It really depends on what I am going through. Sometimes it is some heavy metal, sometimes it is Florenece and the Machine, others times, some good ole trap music 😂
  • Do you believe music helps everyone and there is really no use for therapy in this regard? I think music is the road that leads us back to our true selves.

Prompt #2 Music Selection:

Select 2 music video’s that help you and your mental stability when you listen to it. Also, describe how those songs make you feel?

Rules:

  • Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
  • There are no right or wrong answers. Write in any format you see fit. (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything).
  • You can do one or all prompts.
  • You have from July 31st. through to August 6th. to submit your entries.

  • Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
  • ( If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post).
  • Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this weeks prompts, your viewpoint/feelings are validated here too!
  • Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!

The Same Lesson. Over, and Over, and…

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Yesterday was departure day and…


The photography featured in this post is strictly prohibited from use.


For our last night we pulled together as a team and gathered most everything, separated things into individual piles so things found there way home with the correct owner and just like that, it was morning. I must say this time I realized a few things.

A photo of our campsite and a small inlet- Revenge of Eve

Our campsite set up

A. I prepare too much food.

B. There is a such thing as too many bags.

C. Teens are still cool without there heads tucked into phone screens.

D. If I come back to this location, which I won’t, request the site that’s at the bottom of the bathroom hill.

E. A three bedroom tent that pops up easy doesn’t make it easy to get back in it’s portable bag with wheels.

F. I am great with empowering speeches but the action that is supposed to follow the speech…what’s that?

G. It is impossible to make four people happy. You can accommodate in every way you imagine but being that we cannot be another, we will miss something.

H. I don’t know how to relax.

I. My full out camping days are over. I may venture on some solo trips but as far as preparing for, maintaining the campsite, setting up and breaking down – no more. It’s too much to be considered a vacation.

I learned a lot this trip and accept it for what it is. I will continue to do the things that once brought me immense joy as an experiment phase before I venture into more thrilling, new adventures.

Revenge of Eve- The beginning of our river float

Rental Tubes and my daughter and her best friend at the start of our 4 hour float

I found it impossible difficult to focus my attention on what it was I wanted to let go of but…I was able to work through other things. For the first time ever I actually saw myself as a worker ant. I am non-stop. When I would recognize my “grouping” of objects, I would verbally tell myself to sit and a few times I would be in a half-sitting position before I’d bounce up (never sitting) to put one last thing where the “kitchen” stuff goes. Yes, at a campsite.


Overall things within myself were hectic. I couldn’t shut down mom mode, I was organizing, preparing for…and, once again, trying force things in my life. My way. Force things to be done my way because it is the logical way BUT here’s the thing, my way isn’t necessarily the right way nor the only way. That is what I took away from this mini-vacay and so it goes, no vacay at all because I was still there trying to anticipate what may happen instead of just allowing things to be. Am I happy this happened? Joyed actually because it gives me a specific place to focus. The exact place I have said all year deserves my attention and that is the present. So I shall continue to just be…well, work to be anyways. I will get there. With persistence, I will arrive.

Photos of myself, my friend, and my child- Revenge of Eve

The back of my daughters head (lol) and myself (L) and my friend Dawn (R)

Currently. Perfect Timing.

Personal Growth & Goals

I sit in solid darkness.

My phone light reflecting off my face.

A campfire to my right, my child in the tent to my left (when I’m outside of the tent), an industrial fan that sit on top a plastic box care of Circle K (common gas station), a waterfall directly behind my right ear, and crickets inside my head. This is the sounds that soothe me.

Comfort me.

Calm me.

Lightening bugs flicker everywhere.

Whispers are heard over the insect sounds.

Teens chuckle as the river flow make a faint crisp sound.

I am in heaven.

My heaven.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in extascy floating on a tube drifting in and out, gazing at cloud patterns, cold, clear, clean water under my ass.

Turtles popping up as fish scurry to the top. Do fish scurry?

Anyways. I feel at peace.

Yes, I am still using technology but it is because everyone else is already asleep. And I did all the damn work!!

Jus kid’n, the 3 of them contributed 25% total. 😂 but I love them still the same. 💟


Oh, yeah. I came here to let some shit go and I’m gonna do just that.

💟

Revenge of Eve