And I speak…*edited

Life & Relationships

What purpose does balance serve when others impact your life?

Just as things seem ideal, others insert strife.

They speak in terms of wrong and right yet act entitled that they choose to be in your life.

I ask for no favors and only give from the heart.

Shouldn’t that be where balance start?

I set no expectations and encourage with words of support.

Why is it myself I contort?

Not to fit in their box per se rather make room in a fragile heart. No one takes into consideration, that part.

It is suggested to come from a place of love and so I try and try again.

I accept the most bizarre of characteristics,

only to be blamed for the delusional thoughts others amass.

There I stand, made to look an ass.

Poor,

sad vultures,

there’s nothing left of me to expose.

And you,

I dispose.

Egoic intentions fuel your resentments,

for you,

I never mention.

You see, I am what you are to me.

Perceive that how you see.

Waste time on you?

I think not.

There is no competition when it comes to dissonance. Go-ahead and look that up.

Did you even know how to read?

That’s what my ego would say if it were allowed to speak freely.

There is one thing I must let be known. In this world, I stand alone.

There is only one spot on this throne.

My child, the only I choose.

You can’t push on a bruise and expect attention from a person who thrives on pain.

It’s obvious, from you, I stand nothing to gain.

My public service announcement will continue to grow louder until all of you fuckers silence your chatter

Entertain you?

I don’t dare flatter,

…especially

because to me,

you never mattered.


**I am ashamed at the first published version of this spewing of rage and so I edited it to free it from this cage

Blooming at 40?? Yup! 🙂

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Before I begin, can someone please tell me how to center the text on the mobile app with the new editor? I suppose I am just realizing how much I use my phone for blogging and not being able to center the text has nerved me to no end!! And has stopped me from posting on more than a few occasions.


Brief

Maybe you have noticed, maybe not…but things have been the quietest they have ever been around here. There isn’t any particular reason but life has decided there are more things to confront, heal, and process than I had originally speculated. Will I allow it to break me? I’d prefer to let it shape me but that doesn’t go to say it’s easy. If there are two things I have learned about all of this self-improvement shit, it’s that hard realities must be faced with honesty and patience is required throughout all of it.

Patience

When 2019 arrived I made it my mission to forgive those who I felt have wronged me in a way that continues to impact my life. I don’t hold resentments over petty things so my list of those to forgive is short. So short in fact, I had moved through half of that list in the first month by forgiving one person!! Well, technically there is no half to three…there is but I should say there is no half of a person. Lol. However you want to look at it, my list consists of three people. One of those being myself.

Unbeknownst to me, the order I had planned to do the forgiving in, least impactful to most, didn’t go as planned. This is where patience plays a vital role. I’ve realized life unfolds on its own terms and if I encounter resistance its because that isn’t the time for things to unfold. At the beginning of all of this, I found myself trying to force one thing only for another to prevail. Instead of pushing back on my plan, I let go of the reigns and decided it would go much more smoothly if I invested myself in the things that were showing up, in no particular order. I’m not a fan of surprises but let’s just say it has been interesting.

Get the insider scoop – subscribe to theGarden

Hard realities and honesty

Being that I have a history with substance abuse, it is a given I will be reminded of things I did that hurt others. Of course, this was never my intention but so the story goes. Alcohol became the filter remover I thought I needed to heal and accept myself but the reality is I spewed some ugly, hurtful words to those who truly matter.

Many of you can attest that I have been at a standstill in my growth/recovery for quite some time. This was the most aggravating phase but it was because I had a vision of how I imagined things to go. I didn’t realize in order for the big things to surface, I had a million little things that lead up to them.

I kept searching and yet there it was, right under my fuck’n nose. I asked and would receive but the truth is…I wasn’t listening. But believe me, I hear it all clearly now. This has been the push I needed. Forcing me to connect with myself on a deeper level (is that even possible?). I’m here to say and as a witness we can always improve but instead of beating ourselves up over it, if we allow it, it comes and goes. The weight that is lifted is much greater than the pain.

The growth that has happened here was made apparent in the way the universe presented it. There’s no way I could’ve missed it. And if you wanna know the truth, it humbled me, shattered my heart, and taught me a huge message about judgment. I am still smoldering and so, I am still a bit sensitive. I am learning to do things different and I may fail but that’s ok. I will never know success until I’ve tasted failure.

Baby steps.

I’m taking baby steps.

And while I tiptoe my way through the last few months of the year, I am going to continue seeking what I desire from within. I’ve accepted this is life and with every step forward, there is the possibility of a step backward…but I think I’ll work on my perspective, and maybe, just maybe, I will find peace just from taking the next right step.

Authors Who Made Me Smile and the Kindness Challenge…

Creative & Collective, Life & Relationships

Title Pun


There is an unspoken excitement when you await the arrival of something you have ordered online. It is almost like receiving a gift or a welcome in your mailbox. Multiply that times 100 when receiving mail by surprise!!! The days of receiving anything other than a bill in the mail have dramatically decreased with adulthood.

When I was a wee lad (Irish immigrant family), my “mommygee” mailed, us kids, each week, a Bible verse and if we could recite it at the end of the week, she would put money aside. I won’t claim to have a secret money account hidden but I distinctively recall how it felt to have something addressed to me. I felt so special. I can see her handwriting🙂

Combine nostalgia and my love of all things stationery and the result is a childlike squeal. Imagine my pitch when I received not one but TWO total surprise gifts from two kind hearted, generous, and thoughtful women. And they just so happen to be bloggers in the Word Press community🙂!!!

Candice from This Made Me Smile and Meg Kimball, her official author site, Advice Avengers. *see title* 🙂 I was taken back at the thought of them thinking of me. Meg won Day Two of Two Days of Giveaway last month and she added to my collection of blogger books. She has written a series of books and when she gave me the option to choose one, I left it up to her to decide. Seeing as I shipped the goodies on August 15, I didn’t expect to receive her book before then but…I did!!

Candice’s snail mail was a complete and total surprise. Awhile back I sent out postcards to a few inspirational bloggers with whom I’ve chatted with the outside of the blogosphere. I believe in total six bloggers received collaged goodness. One of the recipients was Candice.

Long ago, she had written a post about little libraries and how special they are to communities, in which I agree, and immediately I thought of how awesome it would be to receive a book from a Canadian free library. And so I said so in a comment to her. A book arrived sometime later and as a thank you, she was included in my list of postcard snail mail. Well, she upped the ante and shocked me with the cutest little origami journal!! Out of the blue and what a smile, it brought to my face.

I don’t know about you but when I get some new stationery, I thumb through the pages, feel the texture of the paper, look for defects, and try to decide which aspect of life I will use it for. Well, while doing so to the new addition, I found a handwritten piece of encouragement that said,

Those who wish to sing always find a song.

It is so special to me to have a quote handwritten by someone I’ve not had the opportunity to meet in person but admire from across the country. This adds the most special, personal touch; making it that much more cherishable.

The note Candice included with her sweet snail mail has already made its way into my journal.

Full Circle

You may have seen that Cyranny’s Cove is hosting a kindness challenge, all of which was prompted by her receiving a set of my art postcards (she too was one of the six). I had no idea my snail mail would have such an impact but because Cyranny enjoyed the uplifting message found on one of the postcards, she was inspired to spread the message of kindness through challenging her followers to participate once a month in mailing messages of kindness to others. You can find more detail at The Cove. Please do join us on the first of every month to see what the challenge for the month is.

This month was to find the address of an old friend we have not spoken to in some time and mail them a hello. Well, those in my past are there for a reason and without trying to ruminate on who would be the most surprised, I decided to add a twist to the challenge (of course I did).

My idea began with my niece and nephew and quickly multiplied to a total of seven lucky children. The oldest is my daughter’s stepsister who is nine and the youngest is 20 months old (actually Kid is the oldest and she will receive a letter at her dad’s so that she can participate with her stepsister and half brother).

In the photos I covered the cutest little mascot because I haven’t yet introduced her to y’all…she will be the face of my handmade journal shop…and she is the one hosting this particular idea of spreading kindness to kids. It will remain a secret that it is me.

I typed a cute message that explained what the kindness challenge is and on a second page, I included a list of objects for them to include in their artwork that will be returned to “her” each month. The idea came to me to add a prompt list to help give the kids and the parents helping, somewhat of a guide. In the challenge description, I mentioned spreading kindness by sending multiple mailed messages. I am also including a postcard with an image for coloring in hopes that will be sent to someone of their choice.


Coming Soon

Earlier in the week I sent out theGarden, my monthly newsletter that hasn’t been sent out in months. You may have noticed or maybe not but I haven’t been as active. The reason for this is because I am processing a lot of damage done to me as well as damage I’ve caused. Perhaps this is why I have been stuck for a few years because doing this shit is necessary.

In the newsletter, I mentioned an upcoming format change for R.O.E. It is my plan to start writing more posts that target my curiosities about mental health and life in general. These posts will require research and take more time than my average posts. The other aspect I would like to incorporate is an inspirational, creative aspect. Kinda of a gallery of sorts of my creative endeavors with hopes of video tutorials in the future.

I have not lost interest in blogging but as far as sharing my personal daily bits, you can subscribe to receive the newsletter if that what interests you. I am going to move away from sharing specific details although my informative posts will share personal snippets of my story.

Sooooo, basically, SUBSCRIBE SILLY 🙂

Last Day

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery

Trembling,
her toes grip
the edge of the cliff.

According to society,
as a mother,
she is unfit.

How about sick?

Burdened since birth,
life is her curse.
Punishment
and
Continuous
pain.

Not quite insane.

On the edge she hang.
Shattered pieces
held together
by a fragile frame.
Never again the
same.

Fingers pointed
and
opinions shared
yet not one solution.
She gets it.
They have no care.
Rather
they stare.

Exploit her.
Ostracize her.
Pity her.
Shame her.
Reject her.
Judge her.

and Berate her
until
she’s weak.

She kneels.
No longer can she stand.
Doubt lingers
while pointing fingers.
Control it
they say.

She pleads,
Let this be my last day.

revenge of eve-letter143

8.5.19

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?

Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.

You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.

Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K.

Life & Relationships

So You Know!

Well, hello folks and welcome back to R.O.E.’s question series. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve had one but we can just pick right on up where we left off🙂

If you are new to So You Know, I’ll give you a quick run down.

So You Know is a series of question intended to bring readers closer to the personal lives of their favorite bloggers. By following a few simple rules you to can give your reader insight into your life.

  • Create a post or answer the questions in the comments.
  • Create a pingback to this post. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll explain how to do so. It’s easy!!
  • Answer the questions honestly

See? Easy, huh?


  1. Do you feel confident in expressing how you feel about particular things? Example: sharing your opinion or protecting your boundaries
  2. Do you have someone who holds all of your life’s secrets or do you keep everything to yourself?
  3. What is the one quality you look for in a friend?
  4. What is the one quality you possess that you are most fond of in others?
  5. List five words you would use to describe yourself. Only five words.
Revenge of Eve

My answers to the last S.Y.K.

  1. Do you take a vacation during the summer months? If so, what amount of time do you travel (days, weeks)? My daughter and I make a point to attend a music festival each year. The length of stay varies but up to one week.
  2. Do you meet up with family or friends at the destination? Each year in September the women of my family vacation in Florida for a week but I haven’t attended in a few years.
  3. What has been your favorite destination spot? I enjoy Florida but I love Arkansas.
  4. What has been your worst traveling experience? When I was four months pregnant I was flying to Utah and before loading on the plane I needed something to eat but my debt card would not process the transaction. I was sick the whole plane trip.
  5. If you do not travel each summer, what do you do to escape your reality? What’s reality? Lol

I’ll Make An Exception

R.O.E. Need To Know

Honored

Although Revenge of Even is an award-free blog, I’ll make an exception considering I was nominated for the same award twice in the same day.!!

The Mystery Blogger Award

Suzi from My Colourful Life and Cyranny of Cyranny’s Cove both nominated me for this lovely award.

What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

“It’s an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

Rules

{I don’t follow rules 😉}

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
  5. Answer the 5 questions you were asked.
  6. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  7. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
  8. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  9. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question.
  10. Share a link to your best post(s).

Suzi’s Questions

  1. What is the weirdest thing that has happened to you? Ever?? Probably watching myself from above myself. It was psychosis but I was literally floating above myself and looking at the top of my head and I had my legs cross crossed (up in the chair). My vision was blurry but that was some weird shit!
  2. What is your biggest accomplishment? I should probably say my sobriety but it’s my blog. No, it doesn’t generate income or is it the most organized, problem-solving, solution-based space on the web but it’s something I began and have no intentions of quitting. It isn’t that I ever intend to quit anything but it takes A LOT to keep me interested. I have also learned copious amounts of patience by being a self-taught blogger.
  3. What are you most proud of? My daughter.
  4. (Weird/funny) If you were to be arrested, what would it be for? Marijuana or fighting 😲
  5. (Shameless self-promotion) Would you like to be featured as part of my Saturday Shout Out series? Sure!!

Suzi also nominated Cyranny and she forgoe her questions therefore leaving me one set to answer 🙂

3 Things About Me

  • My right, big toe was cut off in a bicycle accident when I was three. I rode to the hospital in a firetruck and they had my toe in a ziplock bag of ice. I don’t remember the incident but I have a scar to prove it happened. *did you know our big toes are our center of balance? So if we meet and I tip over just standing there, it’s my normal 😂
  • I will not ever eat broccoli or cooked cabbage!
  • I am of the original candy kids. Candy kid is a name given to youngsters who travel to go to raves. A rave is a party where edm (electronic dance music) is played at extremely high volumes while laser lights dance all over the crowd. Drugs are plentiful but most commonly distributed is extascy (mdma). I was friends with a lot of the headliner DJ’s and the speakers were my stage. It allowed me to breathe amongst the crowd and feel the beats through my feet, to my core. “Candy” is the jewelry attendees make, wear, and exchange as a display of love, terming us Candy Kids.

And that about wraps this up folks!!

Thanks Suzi and Cyranny for thinking of me!! Feel free to participate and say I nominated you!!! Let’s see if you follow rules better than me!

Officially…

Personal Growth & Goals

It is Official

It is the last weekend of summer vacation, for the last time 🙁

My daughter starts her senior year in five days!! Wow! It hasn’t quite registered that 13 years of schooling will soon come to an end but waking this morning the thought hit me.

I mean we look forward to these days, right? I have almost made the decision to leave this area when my daughter graduates and writing this makes it seem as though I need to make the decision. Not permanently rather explore and be wowed. I need to stand on the edge of a volcano, next to a waterfall, or count the stars from the desert. I am restless. Bored and starved of inspiration.

Official Revenge of Eve

But before I think about any of that, I must make sure to take each day, from the first day of school to the last, to be present with my daughter. Recovery is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t give back the days you lost while actively using. I knew when I had my daughter that she was it for me and instead of absorbing every milestone, we cheered and moved on to the next. Accomplishment after accomplishment checked off making each a distant memory. There are things I wish I had made a bigger deal and of course, the opposite is true. My goddaughter starts kindergarten this year and that really brings all of this into perspective. My child will soon (February) be an official adult.

She has always been treated as a person, never a child and that makes me wonder if that was the right approach. How much of a childhood did she really have? Does she appreciate that we’ve always respected her as an individual? Should we have done more to make sure she wasn’t too mature?

There are so many unanswered questions but from looking at the way she carries herself, presents herself, makes decisions, and respects herself, I must say, we (our family village), did some things right. Sure she is a little lazy, some days entitled, and other days moody but for the most part, she’s a decent, kind, compassionate, and persistent young lady.

But annnnywayyyys!

I finally got around to editing my site icon. Whatcha think about? Personally, I’m dig’n it.

I will end this note with please be kind to yourself today. You deserve the finest pleasures and joy just as much as the next guy. I love you and really, that’s enough for a few people!!

Be Kind to Yourself

Kind Hearted Challenge – August Edition

R.O.E. Need To Know

I have attempted to reblog this post for the majority of the day!! After many failed attempts, I finally was successful using my laptop!! Sheesh. Check this act of kindness out. It truly is contagious. I am honored to have inspired such a positive display of kind-heartedness. Do participate, please!!

Cyranny's Cove

20190713_000439

Happy first day of August, Lovelies!

As you might know, I have been waiting for a while to post this, and I am quite excited to finally launch this new, monthly Kind Hearted Challenge!

What is the Kind Hearted Challenge about?

It is really simple… First of all, it is not a challenge per se, but more an invitation to take a moment and think about doing kind things around you. You don’t have to participate every month, and if you join in, you have all month to complete your mission.

I think that spreading the word out is the best way to get at least a couple of people to think “You know what? That’s really easy, I think I’ll give it a try!” There are so many free, easy acts of kindness that we can do in our everyday life… Things to make other people around us…

View original post 446 more words

Revenge of Eve

Working On Us Week 9

Mental Health & Recovery

As life would have it, I have missed a few weeks of my friends Working On Us series but not this week!!! Beckie from Beckies Mental Mess is one of the most supportive bloggers in the mental health community. She shows her support through comments and her words of encouragement have lifted the veil of gloom for myself many times! If you are not friends with her, I highly recommend finding a way to be!


Prompt #1 Questions:

  • Have you ever received music therapy as part of your treatment? If so, what kind of music was introduced to you? Unfortunately, no.
  • Do you listen to music ( if/when) you meditate? If so, what kind of music do you listen to? I have not found a way to integrate music as a part of therapy as suggested by a professional. I do, however, listen to music all the time.
  • If you have never tried music therapy as a treatment, what types of music calm and/or mellow you? It really depends on what I am going through. Sometimes it is some heavy metal, sometimes it is Florenece and the Machine, others times, some good ole trap music 😂
  • Do you believe music helps everyone and there is really no use for therapy in this regard? I think music is the road that leads us back to our true selves.

Prompt #2 Music Selection:

Select 2 music video’s that help you and your mental stability when you listen to it. Also, describe how those songs make you feel?

Rules:

  • Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
  • There are no right or wrong answers. Write in any format you see fit. (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything).
  • You can do one or all prompts.
  • You have from July 31st. through to August 6th. to submit your entries.

  • Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
  • ( If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post).
  • Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this weeks prompts, your viewpoint/feelings are validated here too!
  • Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!