Turn the Page

A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.


If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. ūüôā

Revenge of Eve

P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person ūüôā

I Am Not Satisfied with the Lack of Suggestions (repost)

Time is running out!!!


Yo, Yo, Yo…

Quick Question. I know that I will donate a set percentage of my sales to a charity every month. Then I got to thinking that it would be better for me to reach out to ya’ll and ya’ll could give me your preference and help spread the word. There may be smaller, more personal to you charities that you would love to see a monthly donation go to and I would love to do so!!!

Here’s what needs to go down

The charity must benefit the mental health community.

The organizer of the charity cannot make any money off of the charity for personal gain or for employment (they cannot receive a check from the charity funds).

The charity can provide funding, assistance, therapy, education, or entertainment for those with mental illness, ie group gatherings/movie meetups, no matter the foundation reason, if the mental health community is involved in a positive manner, I will consider the charity.


Pretty simple qualifications if you ask me.

So here’s whatcha do next….

Share!! Share this post on the platforms you interact on so hopefully someone you know can mention a charity close to their heart.

Next, drop your favorite charity in the comments and tell why you choose them with a brief description of their mission.

If you share on platforms outside of WordPress, make sure to have a link to this post or my website so I can receive their suggestions. This is not a ploy to gain more followers. I am 100% please with the amount of followers I have and I wouldn’t be upset if I never gained another. What this is, however, is a way to share the love among the community I was welcomed into just for being myself.

I am also thinking about speaking with whomever, within the charity, about displaying a link on my site where donations can be accepted anytime.

I haven’t yet determined the percentage but I will share that in theGarden, a bi-monthly newsletter, once I have made the decision. I will also be sharing some exciting news very soon so if you do not want to miss out, subscribe ūüôā (now that…that’s a shameless ploy to get you to subscribe – teehee)

How will I decide?

After narrowing it down by process of elimination, if a charity does not meet the qualifications, (I will do my research) then the remainder will be tossed into a hat and I will let my daughter draw the winner!!

I can’t wait to read everyone’s suggestion. In fact, the first donation will be made in your name! How about that? I will set a date to draw. Let’s say March 20th, the first day of spring. Sound good? I will donate to the winning charity for one year, each month, 12 donations. But I have to research the ones suggested, which will take some time depending on the number of suggestions… so I will not accept comments after 12:00 midnight on March 17th, St.Patrick’s day (central U.S. time).

I will contact the commenter who entered winning charity when the first donation is made.

Take Five

Taking Care of Me!

I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.


Revenge of Eve

I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….

Revenge of Eve

I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…

It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.


‚̧

Revenge of Eve

3.9.19

Candace Lynne

It isn’t necessary for you to always be doing, nor is it healthy. If you do, at some point, nothing becomes.

You are trying to force something into existence that isn’t ready…and neither are you.

What is necessary is the rest

What goes up must come down and your insistent resistance proves you need a break more than anything. Take the damn break. Step away from your phone, laptop, and all forms of technology to reboot.

Nourish your mind, body, and soul before it is too late. Crisis isn’t a necessary state, remember.

Just be.

Be you separate from the outside factors. Start today. Whatever you think needs to be done can wait. Change your thought process and evaluate where you stand. What is being accomplished from this feverishly, constant state of go? You will find. ..nothing.

Even God takes a break – famous words of advice from Beckie


A list of ideas:

Read a book

Give yourself a manicure/pedicure

Take a nap

Watch a movie

Play in the rain

Hang out with a friend

Just be

Binge watch Netflix

Listen to podcast


Use this time of rest to connect with yourself

You are a work in progress and that process cannot be rushed.

I love you, Candace Lynne

Blogging Blah

For no reason at all…

I am complete blah when it comes to anything blog related. Certainly, I’m not alone as I am sure this occurs from time to time. It’s possible that I have too much on my plate or because I am working two jobs again… But I can make any excuse. The reality is I am not feel’n it right now.


I know this is just a phase because my love of writing combined with my need for connection overrides any thoughts of stopping. In fact that never crossed my mind.

If you have followed me for any amount of time, I am sure you have noticed my lack of commitment recently. If you haven’t, it has been on a decline for at least a month. If I really think about it, I lost my momentum after making the decision to stop NYAC. I’ve briefly felt this way before and I hope to regain interest soon but for now, I am just coasting.

I didn’t even open my laptop until 1 a.m.!! I went for almost 24 hours without checking WordPress or reading any post. I believe that is a first since I began blogging. It is times like this that make the decision to go self-hosted difficult.

Some people will tell you that self-hosted is cheaper and way better but after your first year your hosting fee per month doubles if not triples, that does not include the good plug-ins that help operate the backend of your blog, or newer-up-to-date themes. I was told by another blogger that on average if you want to have a successful site, it costs around $500 a year.

If I invested that each year, there would be no breaks nor would I feel ok with taking a step back. You aren’t guaranteed any income and if you don’t get a lot of traffic, you won’t make money.


Revenge of Eve -As I Fly
If you like this quote, feel free to share

I’ve had so much going through my head. I have been manic, off and on, for about 4 months now and I fear a gigantic crash. For some reason, my depression happens more so in the summer months than the other times of the year. That’s odd because I love sunshine but maybe it is the heat that does it to me. Idk but I do know I do not want to fall too far from where I am. Such is my reality.

It is this blah-ness towards blogging that has me fearing a fall. I know many of you will suggest medication and I am not against medication, I’m just not ready to get back on ’em so basically, I get what I deserve…

Moving past that, work has been slow and money isn’t what it needs to be. Actually, I am sure that is contributing to why I feel this way and it bothers me that my emotions are attached to monetary gain. I wish I lived in a world where being a good person meant you had no worries.

Looking at my current status as a whole I come to the conclusion that something has to change. The podcasts I listen to are having an enormous impact on me and I know this discomfort has to do with something I am ignoring and until it gains my attention or I seek it, I will remain dissatisfied. It sucks knowing that all of my problems are me. Because of me. That’s it.

Instead of whining about it I will do as suggested and ground myself. Be present – which is so freak’n hard by the way. This human condition is for the birds!!

Much love from me to you!

S.Y.K.

Hey!

Hi. Hello.¬†Howdy…

So You Know
So You Know

It’s good you chose today to stop by because this week’s challenge is meant to bring laughter so keep that in mind when you participate…if you participate…please just participate!!

I’m in the mood to laugh so I believe I will go ahead and play along this week by answering today’s questions in today’s post!! How about that??

I bet you think I forgot like last week… Tricked ya!! I just decided to try posting at a different time. So, let’s review:

Update*  the editor was acting cray-zzzz yesterday and I could not complete specific parts of this weeks challenge.  I apologize for the delay in posting*


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers‚Ķ Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post
revenge of eve

  • Have¬†you¬†ever¬†wet¬†your¬†pants¬†or¬†the¬†bed¬†as¬†an¬†adult?¬†¬†Ages¬†18-¬†current¬†age?¬†¬†I¬†used¬†to¬†sleepwalk¬†and…¬†yupp,¬†it¬†involved¬†using¬†the¬†restroom¬†except¬†I¬†always¬†got¬†lost¬†on¬†my¬†way¬†to¬†the¬†bathroom¬†and¬†would¬†end¬†up¬†having¬†to¬†go¬†so¬†bad¬†that¬†I¬†would¬†just¬†go¬†where¬†I¬†stood.¬†¬†Whether¬†it¬†was¬†in¬†a¬†laundry¬†basket,¬†my¬†bedroom¬†floor¬†(thank¬†God¬†we¬†had¬†hardwood¬†floors),¬†a corner in room¬†and¬†I¬†even¬†tried¬†to¬†do¬†so¬†in¬†a¬†crisper¬†drawer¬†of¬†the¬†refrigerator!!!!¬†¬†Isn’t¬†this¬†the¬†craziest¬†thing¬†you’ve¬†ever¬†heard???¬†In¬†my¬†defense,¬†it¬†started¬†when¬†I¬†was¬†a¬†young¬†child¬†but¬†it¬†got¬†worse¬†when¬†I¬†was¬†drinking.¬†¬†Needless¬†to¬†say,¬†I¬†haven’t¬†had¬†an¬†“episode”¬†in¬†almost¬†four¬†years¬†and¬†for¬†that¬†I¬†am¬†grateful.¬†¬†hahahahaha

  • Who is your all-time favorite comedian?¬†¬†How¬†would¬†you¬†describe¬†the¬†style¬†of¬†comedy¬†you enjoy? I¬†would¬†probably¬†have¬†to¬†say, David¬†Spade.¬†¬†I¬†think¬†I¬†heard¬†of¬†some¬†bad¬†allegations¬†against¬†him¬†here¬†recently¬†and¬†that¬†is¬†a¬†shame¬†but¬†regardless¬†I¬†find¬†him hilarious!¬†¬†I¬†consider¬†his¬†style¬†to¬†be¬†a¬†dry,¬†honest,¬†cold¬†style¬†of¬†comedy.¬†¬†This¬†kind¬†of¬†comedy¬†can’t¬†be¬†argued¬†and¬†that¬†is¬†what¬†makes¬†it¬†so¬†funny.¬†¬†Basically,¬†it¬†is¬†the¬†truth¬†delivered¬†in¬†a¬†comical format.¬†¬†There¬†is¬†no¬†denying¬†the¬†talent¬†out¬†there¬†and¬†I¬†enjoy¬†many¬†comedians¬†who¬†have¬†a¬†variety¬†of¬†styles¬†but¬†if¬†I¬†had¬†to¬†choose¬†one,¬†it¬†would¬†be¬†him.¬†¬†Jo¬†Coy¬†is¬†another¬†that¬†I¬†love¬†to¬†watch¬†and¬†cannot¬†resist¬†snorting¬†because¬†I¬†am¬†laughing¬†so¬†hard.

  • Do you¬†and¬†your¬†friends¬†and/or¬†family¬†have¬†a¬†funny¬†person in¬†your¬†circle?¬† Luckily, yes!!¬† My uncle is actually a magician and a comedian.¬† I used to have different characters I would play when we were growing up.¬† My brother and sister would laugh and laugh at me.¬† Of course, I would never do it in front of anyone else but still to this day my sister brings up Ethel (my real old lady character).¬† Anytime I am around my sister all we do is laugh.¬† She is the person I laugh with¬†the¬†most.
  • Are you good at telling jokes?¬† Not at all!¬† The problem for me is that I am too logical and sadly, I rarely ever “get it” -the punchline.

Last weeks question and my answer:

Who are you? And who are you not?


Well, I am not exactly sure.  This year began a journey of self-discovery.  I have an idea but I will revisit this question when I can answer with certainty.

I am not a thief, a social person, a follower, or a hypocrite.

Did you participate last week?
Be honest:
Do you like this series?
I appreciate all the feedback I can get.
Thanks y’all!Revenge of Eve