A Little Bit About This and That

Bonding

Often times the bond between mother and daughter is considered one of strain. All too often we hear of the arguments, attitude, and agitation that create stress for this feeble relationship. Teenage years is when most girls begin their menstrual cycle resulting in catastrophic, irrelevant emotional outburst. Ironically us women are similar to a gang. We cycle with the other women who are in our immediate circle after a short time of being around each other.

Check out Here’s the Plan, Man

A little about this and that- Revenge of Eve

No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and her daughter. “It’s the original relationship, and it’s also a relationship that has been sentimentalized but not honored,” says Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., who directs the Women’s Studies program at the University of Maine at Farmington, where she teaches a popular course in mother-daughter relationships. “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.

I would like to imagine that my daughter’s relationship with me is one based on respect, trust, and honesty, at least 85% of the time. Our personalities are complete opposites and I believe that to be why we are able to make life work the way we do. She (Kid) is much kinder, considerate, relaxed, and respectful than I ever was as a pre-teen-young adult. She favors her father’s demeanor. She is content by herself which was unheard of when I was her age.

Prior to my teenage years, I was self-reliant, self-entertained, and independent. Somewhere around middle school, I began seeking validation from my peers.  I strongly believe this is where I got lost in life.

This is the time of my daughter’s life when I realized it was time to get sober. The depression was in control and I was a shell. I believe everything happens for a reason and I feel in my heart this is when she needed her dad’s guidance more than mine, although it was not a planned decision.

Not only was she transitioning from living with her mother to living with her father, but she also had to transition from one school district to another.

A little about this and that- Revenge of Eve

One thing I pride myself on as a mother is encouraging my daughter to be herself. I never realized how stable she is in her being until she reached high school. Her friends will go out and drink, some smoke marijuana, and she is content sitting at home watching tv. Rarely will she ask to go do something but when she does, the answer is always yes… which leads to my weakness as a mother. I find it difficult to tell her no. In fact, I do not know if I have ever. Of course, if it is something that will harm her, I say no but if she outright asks for something from me, she’s going to get it. She knows it too. She is such a great teen that I feel as though she should be rewarded.


Personality


My daughter has a docile, quiet nature.  She is supportive of her friend’s struggles, always offering solid advice.  She isn’t one to tell you what you want to hear rather what needs to be said.  At times she can be timid.  She is patient and observant which allows her to form her own opinion.  I am not claiming that she is perfect but pretty damn close 😉

She is a great soccer player but it didn’t come easy for her.  She has put in work to get where she is.  She dedicated herself to it and has come far.  I would say that he is not a follower but not exactly a leader either.   She is somewhere in the middle.  Like a silent partner.  I don’t know how to explain it.  She is just laid back.

Physical

My daughter was a spitting image of her father but as she has gotten older her face is thinning out and she somewhat favors me.   She has my t-zone for sure.  She has a round face whereas I have an oval-shaped face.


I thought for sure she would tower over me but such is not the case.  I am 5’10 and she has stopped growing at a mere 5’6.  We know that she will not get any taller because she had to see a foot specialist and he told us her growth plate has closed.  Never did I imagine her being my sister’s height.

We are all guilty of preconceived notions of how or what our children will be like.  In my case, I was destined to have a disrespectful, brat when in fact I was blessed with an angel.  I suppose I am enough brat for the both of us.  She is her own person with her own opinions and beliefs.  Her father and I did one thing right and that was to raise a respectful, dignified young lady who loves herself.   And we didn’t do it alone.  There has been a community of friends that have had their hand in raising her.  She makes us all proud.


Make sure to look out for tomorrows post 🙂 And to my subscribers….. get ready because this week I will be sending out my first video!! I’ve just gotta record it …. lmao but no really!!

Gotta dash ~ I’m here if anyone needs me ~ always

About That… A Review of January

Don’t Judge Me

If this month has taught me anything it has taught me that I am resilient. Getting back up is my strength. And… I am my worst enemy.

A lot of times I think, in this broken thinker of mine, that I am going to follow a plan because I put it out there, therefore holding myself accountable. Well, if that ain’t a load of bullshit, I don’t know what is. Long ago, back in the caveman days, I kept a strict schedule, a tight to-do list and guess what???
Go ahead, guess…


About that- Revenge of Eve

I was a slave to check boxes and timers. I lived a life with no room for error and it ruined my idea of planning. I made calculated steps toward an uncertain future. One day I decided no more lists (17 years ago) and I didn’t make one or a plan until three years ago. Before I know it I find myself writing blog posts about planning my year.

WWhhooaaa!!!!! That escalated quickly! Before I become obsessed with lists and planning, I am bringing it to a screeching halt. Part-time planning works well for me. It isn’t stressful. In fact, I refuse to fall prey to something I have once experienced (unless it is rejection, then I’ll go back for more). I adore the idea that planning presents but it is the aesthetic of the products that I am obsessed with.

I confess.

If you are a subscriber then you will have read that I was going to help a friend with somewhat life coaching her. Bahahahahahaha!! It went well for three days but I can’t be responsible for organizing someone else’s life. Plus she’s flaky like me and her mood determines what she does or doesn’t do (Love you Tiff). Another prime example of how easy it is for me to forget about the task at hand.


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What’s That?

ME!!!!

It Wasn’t a Total Fail

At the beginning of the month, I had momentum and thank Her for that.   I needed it for the next two weeks to come.  My planner is full with a daily gratitude list, journal logs, and podcasts confirmed… The first three weeks (there are 5 in January)! 

I think that is awesome. 

But…
For purposes of setting mini goals to achieve a larger goal, I must reflect on what I set as mini goals and whether or not they pushed me closer toward my ultimate goal.

I can’t say for certain where I was mentally when I listed said goals but for some odd reason I didn’t even know the main goal that I designated as my January goal!!! A little coo-coo. When I realized I wasn’t sure what exactly I was working toward, I checked the front of the month in my planner and to my surprise, it was to Be More Present

If you are lost you can check out the three-part series for a better understanding.

 One. Two. Three.

Quick Looksie

The three mini-goals I set were:

  • No phone at soccer games
  • An hour no tech, a day
  • Journal daily

Let’s see how I fared. There were a total of seven games in the month of January. I attended four. My daughter didn’t play because of a hurt muscle three of the seven games and she only played a quarter of one other.

I am ZERO for 4!!!  on my mini goal of not bringing my phone to the field. I had every intention of leaving it in my car the first game but I brought it just in case. In my defense, the game was a flush. The opposing team is in its infancy and the game was called on the “no score” rule, once we made our fifth goal (I believe).

While the ball is in play I do a good job at watching and cheering them on. It is in the down time I need entertainment. I sit alone and often times my anxiety is heightened while at the games so having my phone is more of a comfort than a distraction. That’s not an excuse but I will attempt this mini goal next go-round, in April.

How did I do for an hour no tech when Kid is here? Welp, out of the two weekends she were here we followed through…. drum roll…

Once!! I know, I know.. I’m terrible. I could make excuses but I won’t. It just didn’t happen the way it was supposed too. whoomph whomp 😦

So, that leaves journaling. Out of 31 days, I journaled… 17 times. I had a productive month with making inserts, organizing my studio, and listening to podcasts. I also watched at least 5 Ted Talks and wrote a gratitude list daily (only missing 5 days).

In the photo above you can see where I set smaller goals as well. Exercise and focus mode never made it into my routine.

What Did I Learn?

Sticking to your goals is challenging but not impossible. The difficult part is working them into the routine I have already established. I also learned that while the sub-goals were not necessary, having them gave me options. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. What I do know is I am not quitting.

I will modify February’s goals and make sure to focus on working them in my routine. January was a warm up month getting me use to working toward an end result. While I did not accomplish what I set out to accomplish, I did stay on course (once I looked at what my ultimate goal for the month was).

Maintaining a schedule does not happen over night. I will go out on a ledge and say that it takes at least three months to find your rthymn. Although my plans did not pan out, learning about myself has been abundant. Trusting my intution has come easy and less scary. I have decided to switch my shifts up at work in a last ditch effort to stay there. If this doesn’t work I will be doing some job hunting in February. We shall see.


All in all the month revealed unhealthy patterns giving me insight on my behaviors. I am keeping a running list to have to discuss with a therapist. Meanwhile I will keep doing what I am doing which involves doing the next right thing. I ask for understanding and patience for the month of February from myself for myself. I am taking big steps toward healing and must remain kind to myself.

Today I was blindsided with a “view”, flashback, of who I was roughly 15 years ago and tears streamed down my face. I was a shell of a person. This seems significant for me to recognize. Why? Not so sure but I allowed myself to feel what came with it and the result was an overwhelming sadness followed by a sense of pride for how far I’ve come. I still have a long road ahead of me but as for today, I am at peace with who I am.

How was your January?

Keep your head up ~ love,

Dear Customer…

Societal Observations

*scarcastic tone used the whole read*

This post has the tendency to get “mouthy”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you get offended easily, read on. You need to read this tidbit of it isn’t personal boundary setting.


dear customer-revenge of eve

I am employed with a job in the lovely field that is customer service. Insert* the customer is not always right!

That statement was made by a lunatic!! People who say this fall in the category of society that look to take advantage of corporate USA or anyone with a publicly operating business.

Yea, I said it because guess what?? In my 20+ years experience of dealing with customers, they are still 100% human and guess what else? Humans make mistakes. The person serving you the food may have forgotten to say no mustard on your burger but that doesn’t make you right. To be “right” there must be an opposing opinion… I’ll stop there on that one.

Tip: If you have a bad experience when dealing with your customer service representative, you ask to speak with someone higher than them. Like a tax paying adult, you explain, not insult, not yell, your unpleasant experience. That is why they are there. From there, allow said higher human to resolve the issue according to their company’s policy. The actual goal is to satisfy the customer and filing a complaint gives the company the opportunity to fix it. And here is where that “customer is always right” loophole was created.

News flash!! People are assholes. There is no way in hell it should ever be ok for someone to say that because they are a customer, they are automatically right. Fuck off with that annoying statement.

Here is how it should look: Go eat, if things don’t go well, give feedback, sit nicely (and quietly), accept or negotiate your offer (remember like an adult), tip according to the service you received not based on your experience, and move the eff on people!!

**insider info: The company still gets paid if you eat for free but guess who doesn’t? The responsive middle man that catered to your every need without breaking a smile, they don’t. Businesses are operated on a ladder system. Don’t punish the man on the first step for a job not filled by the man on the fifth step.

Do Not Touch The Animals

Just because someone chooses to work with the masses does not give you permission to touch, pull, poke or grab them. And oh my God, please, do not whistle!!!

Does this happen often? Too often. Somewhere in life, we forget the simplest of tools taught in elementary school. Keep your hands to yourself. Simple. Period.

Just because you are a touchy-feely person does not mean the person who serves you alcoholic beverages is.

Tip: if the bartender walks from behind the bar to dump ashtrays, collect empty beer bottles, or even if they decide to hug someone else, Do. Not. Assume. it is ok for you to grab them and bear hug them.

We understand that liquor induces “love” but keep in mind in some it may provoke anger, in others tears and if you are lucky, someone’s afternoon lunch. The point is, respect other people’s personal, arm-length, 3-foot rule, distance space.

I imagine there to be an underground conspiracy against those of us who work in customer service that says if you want to get our attention, whistle, and we’ll come running. And whoever heads this theory must have worked with Pavlo and needs to die with this ridiculous notion. This study was done on dogs people!

What’s even better is the look on the whistler’s face when you turn around, look them dead in the eyes and when they begin to bark their request, you turn back around and walk away. Better yet, when you don’t even acknowledge them, the explanation they give trying to minimize the fact that they literally whistled at you. Excuse me? Did you just say you whistled at me??? Oh, I apologize, I was not taught to respond to the sound of a whistle.

dear customer-revenge of eve

We are at work, not on display

I get it, we all have a doppelganger but that doesn’t mean we want you to have a picture of us on your phone so you can show your cousin her twin. This is absurd. And so common that people will completely disregard verbal boundaries such as that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I am not shitting you. Scenario: husband and wife eating, wife goes to the restroom, the man says to me, “can I take your picture?”. I stand frozen thinking why???? Why me…again?? While I process how to deliver my verbal boundary, wife shows up. Yay! and walk away in silence. Returning to the table to retrieve the payment he asks once again if he can take my picture. The look on his wife’s face said it all!! WTF?? He proceeds to get her in agreement that Susy and I look identical as I search for the words, I’m sorry but I am not comfortable with that. As the words flow out of my mouth with pride, he raises his phone and snaps a picture.

And guess what? Looks at me like, well what do we do? Because he realizes what I was trying to say, nicely, was no.

First of all, customer service workers do not know you or your intentions. We do not owe you a picture because we share a similar face structure to that of your cousin. We owe you nothing. We are at work to provide a service for you that is governed by company policy and nowhere in the handbook does it say we must pose for a headshot. Go to Disney for that.

There are creeps out there folks. While Billy compares me to his cousin, his brother may have a sexual fetish for women with blue eyes… Who the fuck knows? Not me and if a request makes me feel uncomfortable, you should respect that!

And sir, what you should’ve done was delete that photo of me mid-sentence with my wide-eyed, how dare you face, immediately. In fact, it should have never been snapped.

Again, at work

As much as we enjoy standing around and chatting, we have duties that require our time as well as other customers to tend to. The best customers are those who we see frequently, ask about home life, remember your birthday, and compensate you for a job well done but many times these can be the worst customers. They demand extra time, they believe that five dollars is a good tip, no matter the price of the bill, on top of the order they just placed that is nowhere on our menu. They call it a special order, we call it annoying.

Once again, I’ll say it. Five dollars is decent if your tab is $20. As the price of your bill increase so does the tip. An easy way to remember how to tip is by multiplying the sales tax by 2, and the sum equals the tip total. Personally, I tip according to my service (not according to the food quailty). Shitty service = shitty tip.

Tip: do not prepare your server by informing them in the beginning that you don’t have the money to tip. Solution: stay home and cook for your damn self. We are at work… To get paid. By no means whatsoever believe that a verbal tip is compensation for a monetary tip. Telling a food service employee that they were excellent does not feed their children.

Next time you see your favorite service industry worker, be observant of the atmosphere. Is it bustling with customers? Can you be a little less needy today?

There is more

These are not insensitive requests. Not everyone thinks along the same lines and for an introvert who hates to be touched many times my days are ruined by people who are inconsiderate or entitled. I could go on all day as I am sure those who are customer service or food industry service workers could but I will wrap it up with this last piece of advice.

I’m not sure if this happens a lot outside of the casino but in the casino, it is an insane assumption. If your bill total is $12.63, you pay $12.63. Period. So many people will leave without paying the coin change as if it is our responsibility to pay it.

We seriously had a customer the other day who was irate that we would not pay the 20¢ she owed. She said we should have a piggy bank for those customers who fall short on change. Really? Can you imagine if everyone were short 20¢? There are more than a million people that come and go throughout the year. If we gave each person ONE penny we would lose a million dollars.

Tip: pay your bill. All of it.


Some may say “Sounds like you shouldn’t work with people” and that’s not the case. I enjoy anticipating the needs of others and complimenting them. It makes me happy to be of service. I am good at what I do and if because I have boundaries is seen as I shouldn’t work with the public, perhaps it is you that needs to evaluate how you act in public.

I am speaking on these particular instances because they occur on a daily basis. Not all, but most and sometimes there is a day when they all happen. Those are fun. We are people just like you except we are doing the job you don’t or won’t do. Respect us as such. We are servers, not servants.

You would be appalled if I laid it all out on the table. Craziest of all, imo, is when they look at me like I am weird because I do not want a hug from a perfect stranger.

It’s ok for me to say no, right?!

It isn’t personal!!


This post isn’t to offend anyone but it is for some to open their eyes and evaluate what they expect from someone who is on the clock. The events discussed are true events. While this isn’t a debatable post, its data, I understand there are bad service industry workers so when you do encounter the unicorn, don’t deduct from their tip because they do not want a hug. How many hugs are you asked to give at your place of employment?

One last thing.

I would like to smash the idea that we spit on food. In my entire career, 20+ years, I have never seen it done.

Am I being a drama queen? Let me know

The Words of A Picture

Oh Snap!

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

So… I took a selfie tonight and I must say, my face has begun to age. I noticed a slight change two years ago but in tonight’s picture, I can see even more aging. I don’t know how I feel about this just yet. I have candidly made comments that I was going to start saving for a facelift.

Growing up everyone said I was a spitt’n image of my dad. I didn’t like that because I thought little girls were supposed to look like their mommas.

Back to the picture…


The features of mine that are aging are the same features in my fathers aging face; meaning that although everyone now says I look like my Ma, I resemble my father more.

What a bummer.

[Maybe that’s why he rejected me. A mirror image will make you do one of two things: change or never look in that mirror again. He chose the latter]

So I can see why I would have plastic surgery. Reconstruct my image to suit the more confident, brave(r) me. I just want a little nip and tuck around my neck area. It is sagging.

Oh, yeah… I haven’t started working on forgiving my dad, yet. I don’t know how you prove emotional abuse but I was emotionally tormented by my father.

I need to put that out there so I can begin healing. I would have rather been raised in his absence. And I have carried around his lies about who I am for far too long.

But.

This will require a counselor.


For accountability

I am saying out loud

I, Candace Lynne, will make an appointment with a therapist by March 1, 2019.


I am ready to get on with my life. See what it has to offer me or better yet, what I have to offer it.

With a nice lift 😉 in my spirits.

More Importantly

Watching my daughter cope with anxiety, that is now showing up physically, has been one of the hardest, eye-opening experiences of my life.

For those of you that are new around these parts, I have one child, a daughter, who will be 17 in two weeks. She is the most respectful, intelligent, compassionate, young lady. Yes, I am biased but she truly displays those characteristics.

She has struggled with performance anxiety ever since kindergarten where she had to dance on stage with a partner in front of the magnet performing arts school, kindergarten parents. She would shake her hands while her arms flailed by her side as if she were shaking off the numbness. Over the years her coping skills remained similar, from shaking her hands to stretching her fingers. Within the past three years, her anxiety has reached an all-time high with her once favorite sport, soccer.

She had her first anxiety attack last Friday at school. Up to Friday and through tonight (Thursday), she hasn’t been doing so well. She got on the field tonight for a brief moment. I know my child and I know she isn’t ok. I am giving her time to process what it is that has gotten her in such an upheaval. Come next Friday, when I get her, she should be ready to talk.

The pressure of her academic courses has increased with two of her classes demanding more time than she has in a day. As a junior in high school, she enrolls in courses receiving college credit. Piled on top of soccer has become too much for her to handle. Instead of quitting, my daughter shows up. She cheers on her team from the bench as I stare at her across the field. She has a muscle in her upper thigh, her I.T. band, that is preventing her from playing. I believe it is her anxiety manifesting itself.

Coming from a parent, it is torcher to watch, heartbreakingly so. There is a helplessness that makes me feel inadequate along with a sense of blame. She struggles because of me. With mental illness having a genetic trait, I fear it’s debilitating wrath.

Needless to say the past two weeks, with my own growing pains, have extended themselves to an emotional roller coaster. We are moving into week three and I desperately need a solution or at least that’s how it feels. This to shall pass.


Have you dealt with mental illness within your family?? Give us some advice. We need it! Share in the comments or chat via email.

Ta-ta ~