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A New Chapter

There is something in my life that had to change and today, I initiated the change. My last shift at the casino is Saturday. I feel myself sinking further into a pit of despair, one that I promised to never allow myself to go back to.

If I am honest I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. How will I pay child support, rent, storage, my car note, and insurance? I am canceling Netflix today. I will have to let go of my premium Spotify account… We have a camping trip planned for the end of April and I will make that happen just like I will make all of the rest happen.

I have faith in myself… It is my Ma I worry about. She isn’t even talking to me right now and I don’t know why. But I can’t live for her anymore or in fear of her opinion.

I have to come up with a plan.

First, I am going to go through my storage unit. My best friend already said he would help me to do so. I will decide what goes, what will sell, and what I will keep.

Life is a series of difficult decisions and if I didn’t make this decision, I fear I would break again, mentally. And for those who have never experienced that, you can’t explain what it feels like to have absolutely no control over your mind. It is the scariest thing I’ve endured and for what? Because I wasn’t tending to my most basic needs: nurturing myself.

By default, I put myself last in line when it comes to managing what it is I need. I battle with decision making, I always worry about how my decision will affect others, so much so, I will be in misery just so someone else is comfortable.

Well, that stopped today.

Turn the Page-Revenge of Eve

I am also bothered by the fact the world revolves around money. It blows. I can’t change that so no need to be aggravated about it. Although the stress of paying my bills is there, I can’t help but feel like this is how it is supposed to be for me. Right now. And… That is all we have.

My Ma isn’t going to allow me to live here without paying rent so it is possible I will become homeless and if that is the case, I hope to travel.

If anyone wants to host me in their country or state, I am a hard worker. I cook (American food), I will help garden, clean, organize, cut and color hair, pet sit, house sit, and whatever else you can think of (NO sexual favors). I can also bartend if any local bars will have guest bartenders. That would be fun.

When my daughter was young it was a goal of mine to save for a small, motorhome like travel home and when she graduated high school, I wanted to travel from campground to campground, across America, and work as a groundskeeper. The money from that would buy my food for the time I was there and my gas to move on to the next site. Well...I got in my way-imagine that-and this time, I am following my heart.

I want badly to be around here for my daughters last year of school but that may not be the plan. I will watch her graduate. All I know is that there is more to life than what is happening in mine. I have gone without the material things before- no biggie. I do fear to be hungry. I won’t lie. There is so much I want to see. I want to give of myself to those who need help.

When I discussed this with my daughter, I asked her if I left if she would feel abandoned and she said no because I wouldn’t be leaving her, I would just be traveling. I told her I would make it home for Christmas and her graduation. We then decided if I do this, which I hope to do, I will come home every three months.

Is this a cause for concern?

(For accountability)

I’m not sure. Two things are happening as we speak. I am (should have already) about to begin my cycle, and it is a full moon.

  • Things that are positive in this situation:
  • I still have my job at the bar.
  • I may pick up more shifts there but I highly doubt it- I’d rather work at a different bar.
  • I already have a friend who offered me a room if I do have to leave my Ma’s. She hasn’t spoken a word to me yet again (making this day four). This is common. She gives the silent treatment but refuses to communicate why. It is extremely unhealthy for me.
  • One of my closest friends expressed her support and her faith in me.
  • I have my daughters approval. She is just ready for me to get out of my Mas house.
  • No matter what, I will have made the choice and if any consequences arise, I will face them.
  • It feels right…but it is a crazy day to make life-changing decisions.
  • It has been happening since Christmas. Could I have prepared better? Of course and always.

That list is enough for me and I hope when I wake, it all stands the same. I do not want to free load. This may turn into a crowdfunding event – who knows but what I do know is I feel significantly lighter and I look forward to Saturday being my last shift.

Have you ever done anything like this?

P.s. I made five journals tonight. They are not 100% complete but they will be by Monday evening. 🙂

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P.S.S… I will have a plan if I travel. If you would host me for a brief stay, not entertain me, I would love to chat! I am a very clean and respectful person 🙂



Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.

This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.

Need help linking back to this post??

Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!

S.Y.K-Revenge of Eve

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

*As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?

My answers to last weeks questions:

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional? When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
  • Are you driven by motive? Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need? I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards? I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
Revenge of Eve

Are You Interested?

I am not asking that you be a professional in the business planning arena. If you have a basic understanding of how it works and you would like to volunteer a little guidance or trade services, please contact me.

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Please Spread the Word

This will not require a lot of your time. If you can offer an example of what a business plan for homemakers looks like, that would be all I need. I need direction, blank spaces to fill, and good juju.

Got any of those??

I Am Not Satisfied with the Lack of Suggestions (repost)

Time is running out!!!

Yo, Yo, Yo…

Quick Question. I know that I will donate a set percentage of my sales to a charity every month. Then I got to thinking that it would be better for me to reach out to ya’ll and ya’ll could give me your preference and help spread the word. There may be smaller, more personal to you charities that you would love to see a monthly donation go to and I would love to do so!!!

Here’s what needs to go down

The charity must benefit the mental health community.

The organizer of the charity cannot make any money off of the charity for personal gain or for employment (they cannot receive a check from the charity funds).

The charity can provide funding, assistance, therapy, education, or entertainment for those with mental illness, ie group gatherings/movie meetups, no matter the foundation reason, if the mental health community is involved in a positive manner, I will consider the charity.

Pretty simple qualifications if you ask me.

So here’s whatcha do next….

Share!! Share this post on the platforms you interact on so hopefully someone you know can mention a charity close to their heart.

Next, drop your favorite charity in the comments and tell why you choose them with a brief description of their mission.

If you share on platforms outside of WordPress, make sure to have a link to this post or my website so I can receive their suggestions. This is not a ploy to gain more followers. I am 100% please with the amount of followers I have and I wouldn’t be upset if I never gained another. What this is, however, is a way to share the love among the community I was welcomed into just for being myself.

I am also thinking about speaking with whomever, within the charity, about displaying a link on my site where donations can be accepted anytime.

I haven’t yet determined the percentage but I will share that in theGarden, a bi-monthly newsletter, once I have made the decision. I will also be sharing some exciting news very soon so if you do not want to miss out, subscribe 🙂 (now that…that’s a shameless ploy to get you to subscribe – teehee)

How will I decide?

After narrowing it down by process of elimination, if a charity does not meet the qualifications, (I will do my research) then the remainder will be tossed into a hat and I will let my daughter draw the winner!!

I can’t wait to read everyone’s suggestion. In fact, the first donation will be made in your name! How about that? I will set a date to draw. Let’s say March 20th, the first day of spring. Sound good? I will donate to the winning charity for one year, each month, 12 donations. But I have to research the ones suggested, which will take some time depending on the number of suggestions… so I will not accept comments after 12:00 midnight on March 17th, St.Patrick’s day (central U.S. time).

I will contact the commenter who entered winning charity when the first donation is made.

Has Yours Arrived?

Exciting Stuff!!

While it is plenty to support others verbally, it is also validating to support the advancement efforts of our favorite bloggers… Especially if it only cost $7.00 to do so!!

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Get Yours Today!! Support Ashley like she does so many in our community!!

It’s a great book for bedside reference, easy to read and easier to comprehend. Ashley wrote this book for us because come on, she knows those medical terms and theories. She did that for us!! How awesome is that??

Then leave a review on Amazon

Or just purchase it. Help show the love

Take Five

Taking Care of Me!

I have decided to take care of me. It is something new to me and I will start by taking a well-needed break from blogging.

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I need to rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul. By default, I am a workaholic and my needs are often put on the back burner. I have come to learn the importance of self-care also being taught crisis doesn’t have to be the reason for me to do so….

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I always say that it is from our pain we learn lessons and for the first time in my life, I am going to stop before it reaches the point of pain. It has nothing directly to do with blogging. It is all me and the way I push and push until I break. I am tired of breaking. So…

It is. I will be available for contact but as far as producing content worthy of reading, I will be out of commission.

Revenge of Eve