Coming Clean

Creative and Collective-Revenge of Eve

In June of 2018, I decided I would explore my creative side. I have since continued practicing my skills. During these 6 months, my style has shown through as what I would describe as vintage infused with modern art. The age factor is something I am drawn to in collectible items but it is the crisp, boldness of modern-like photography that catches my eye.

Creative & Collective will be where I discuss my creative journey, share pictures of my art, and provide videos with my antique shopping hauls. Since I also collect notebooks and stationery, those topics will fall under this category as well.

My Style

When I use the word modern I am not specifically talking about today’s modern. I am talking about modern of any time period. Each generation is known for trendy designs, patterns, and colors but all to often we forget that during those trends there are also pieces of art considered modern. I do not necessarily pair the two, time frame with trend and modern, as much as I…. just pair the two.

I tend to favor style with clean, crisp lines but with fashion I like flair. An easier way of explaining could be that in design I like the precise, defined look whereas in fashion I prefer the runway style. We can all agree that what is worn on the catwalk is not worn on the streets. Combining the two creates interest for the eye.

It can create friction choosing to mesh the two opposite ends of the spectrum but I feel I do so in a fluid way. It appeals to the softened and busy eye. It is my appreciation for detail that I have come to realize sets me apart from others. It takes risk and charisma to pull it off. Two qualities I possess.

Bold and Subdued

Black and white is my favorite go to. That is shown on my website. Adding a pop of color enhances the crispness of it. I love the color. My favorite being red but something you will find is I rarely use or wear red. I prefer to use purple which is opposite on the color wheel but the two can be beautifully paired together.

Coming Clean-Revenge of Eve

Growing up one thing I clearly remember is liking red opposed to pink.  It was pointed out to me that red was a “boy” color. From that day forward I would say that purple was my favorite so not to be put into the boy category. Well, guess what? Red is my favorite color and I am not ashamed to say it!

In high school, my Ma and I redid my room. Tearing down the pink wallpaper to replace it with white paint. My curtains were black to match my comforter with white polka dots and then we used red accents. I LOVED it!

Fashion Sense

As far as my fashion sense goes I would classify it as… My own. I am not a girly girl and never have been. My fashion sense is along the lines of stylish and comfortable.

Dressing up as far as a dress and heels go is rare but I clean up nice. I prefer skinny jeans with an oversized top that hangs off the shoulder, boots with a heel, chunky heel, not stiletto and my hair in a low hanging ponytail.  But most days are casual days after my work uniform comes off because let’s face it, most of us are in our work clothes more than the ones we want to be in.

Here begin my collectives, in a fashion sense.  I absolutely love glasses and purses, simple, dainty jewelry and stationery.  Stationery? Yes, I see the stationery I love as an accessory as well as functional.  Teehee.  The accessories I chose are feminine, girly, flashy, glittery, over the top and bows… Don’t even get me started!!  The bigger.  The better. Me! 


Revenge of Eve
Kate Spade – mental health awareness

My Swag


It is funny because I am a little gangsta girl #504boys #weezy #ugk  I listen to Kevin Gates, Gucci Mane, The Weekend, Tigga, Erykah Badu, Lenny Kravitz…  I appreciate rap music, I relate to a lot of it.  I have 2 12’s in my trunk with a competition amp and Bose stereo system  🙂 (my sisters is way better!) Shoutout to the elusive Darik.

Props


I love Southern African American culture. Baggy, not sagging, clothes.  The beat of their energy gives me life.  This beautiful culture brings the meaning of family to a whole new level.  They invite their crackhead uncle and prostitute cousin to Thanksgiving because they are family and they give to family.  They are dedicated to one another by blood.  Hell, they will consider you family and when that happens, you experience love without judgment.  The only one you need to observe is momma.  She is the matriarch and the one who created the bond that is that energy field.  Respect her.  You don’t have a choice anyway. 

Fun fact Candace means Ethiopian Queen.  Enough said.

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Can It Really Be Considered Progress?

Relationships

The only thing I can honestly say about relationships is that I have had my fair share of toxic, broken, manipulative ones. Looking at my situation from my point of view I am impressed that I survived. I am also impressed by my growth.


I put emphasis on growth because when it comes down to it, I am only attracted to the bad boys with a record and prison tatts. My interpersonal relationships have blossomed and produced fruits of love, laughter, and compassion…compromise. Yadayada.

But, is being single actual growth? Especially when I am not one to have intimate relationships in the first place and the ones I do have extend for years and years and years (they seem to drag out). My relationship record can be described using one word; painful. I do not have the best track record. Jealousy, greed, alcohol, lust….all the bad stuff, have ruled my idea of love.

The true progress can be seen in my interpersonal relationships with close friends and family. The most recent example of this would be the separation from my lifelong best friend. It was for me. Throughout the 30+ years of our relationship, I was the giver never to receive. Her selfishness became extreme and her sickness has grown. What sickness? Her mental state is deteriorating and she refuses to seek professional advice. It feels like abandonment but for the first time in my life I committed to sticking to my boundaries and did so.

What I find difficult is trusting myself with getting into a relationship. I don’t think I am ready but do we ever know when we are? I am perfectly content being alone single. The only thing that is lacking is the obvious, sex. The abundance of sexually transmitted diseases makes it challenging to sleep with random guys. I was lucky and had a “friend” but he moved away and now there is one I have been talking to for a year, off and on, that I finally met up with. I know he is no good for me. I’ll say that.

Can it be considered progress-Revenge of Eve

At this moment I find myself more interested in giving dating chance but how does someone who has never “dated” date? Times are different from when I was growing up. I do not get out of the house enough to randomly meet someone and I don’t dare enter the shark infested waters of online dating. I am limited in my options. Honestly, when I think of having to care how someone else feels, I am turned off by the idea. It is exhausting to maintain a relationship (see paragraph one). If given a semi-decent man I am afraid I would ruin him with my lack of trust in the man species as a whole.

I don’t have faith there are good ones out there. I’ll be truthful and say even if there are, I wouldn’t be attracted to them (see paragraph two). Compromise seems like a great suggestion but for what? Compromise sex for the title? I couldn’t. Maybe if they were a reformed bad boy… At 40 years old I’m not too sure I have hope in the arena of intimate relationships.

I have always gravitated towards younger guys. But I don’t want to be older than my “other half”, anymore. I am ok with my age but I do not want to constantly be reminded of it. Realistically I am not yet whole and just began my journey towards self-love and it is possible I was the problem all along. I take credit for my role in the toxicity of my failed relationships but is that all it takes to move on? Acknowledging your role? I have a long road that awaits and the idea of a partner to join me both sounds tempting and repulsive.

Throughout my life, I have been more productive in being alone. Being in a relationship has been more of a distraction than anything. When I am in one I tend to lose myself, albeit I’ve not found who that self is. Perhaps the pressure I feel from deciding to discover who I am has subliminally planted the desire for a relationship and I am not falling for it!! I refuse to enter into a partnership with the mindset I’ve always had. It consumes me in an unhealthy way that leads to paranoia, jealousy, and often rage. It’s time I put all that effort into myself and not experience those dramatic emotions once and for all.

That fact I am now able to recognize all of this is where progress can be seen. I am pleased with that. It is enough. I am enough.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Ground Zero

An inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually going into 2k19

Ground Zero-Revenge of Eve

I decided to take inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually, giving me something to measure. I suppose I could add emotionally to the mix as well because it plays a vital role in our lives.

My current situation does not reflect any growth from 2018.  In fact, it seems that I have gone backward.  Originally I was on a 5-year plan.  I accomplished all of my goals for four years even though I wasted a year and a half because I was still drinking.  2018 was the 5th year on this plan.

My goal was to be moved out of my mothers home and into a place of my own.  While I didn’t necessarily fail at this, it will not be happening.  My mother’s health is not in tip-top shape.  She has COPD, a hernia, and three ulcers that prevent her from eating certain foods and lifting heavy objects.  She doesn’t have health insurance because she makes too much to get government-funded insurance yet not enough to be able to afford health care.  She will qualify for Medicaid in two years.

She has been forced to the doctors because of pain and an inability to work but that only made her temporarily well.  My fear is that as soon as I move out she will need me to move back in.  I help with some of the finances around the house which takes a little off her plate but not nearly enough.  She and I decided that it would be best if I stay.  I feel that I have failed somewhat because I should be contributing more.  It is my plan to give her at least $100 more a month in 2019. 


Financially

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Yes, that is a picture of my actual bank account. :/ Don’t feel sorry for me, it is after Christmas. By the looks of this, I am starting my year off at ground zero which isn’t bad in some instances. I mean, where can I go from here? Only up, right? I keep the majority of my money in little cash envelopes in a drawer in my room but that’s not where my money is. I am broke starting the year off.

From a financial standpoint, I have always made money on a daily basis and have lived to pay my bills this way. In 2018 I accumulated my first ever savings and it totaled a whopping $3,000.00. That is a lot of money for someone who makes $2.15 an hour. It’s crazy the amount of work I do for that hourly rate and the disrespect I put up with for that matter. I do make tips but using yesterday as an example, I had two tables that didn’t tip me and guess what? I pay taxes on my sales reported on my checkout at the end of the shift. Basically, when you do not tip your server, they pay, double. No complaints, I’ve done this for 20+ years. Moving on…

Spiritually

This year is one of being honest with myself and it starts here. I have been being pulled toward being able to define my God. My God. Not the one who has a beard and sports long, wavy hair. The picture of my God is golden and that is as far as I’ve gotten. I also cringe when I hear or see the word God because my account is attached to the organized religion God. Ya know the punishing God who doesn’t allow Baptist’s to dance, the one who condemns people to hell for loving the same sex… I am changing the name God to Her so if you read any post further from here and read me talk about Her, that is what I am referring to.

I know that my God has big things in store for me not by way of money but by way of peace by helping others because that is what my soul has been sent here to do. I do not ever discuss this out of fear that it will scare others away but it is my truth. I have a gift and sense things others don’t and this year I will be tuning into the intuition that I have run from for a long time.

Mentally

Ok, I’ll admit. I have been off my meds for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly until a few days ago. The culprit is pms. It is common for people who suffer from bipolar, women, to experience terrible pre-menstrual symptoms related to increased levels of estrogen. With that said I felt a familiar enemy rise. Anger.

If you are new to these parts, I have a terrible anger problem that has caused me tremendous anguish and humiliation. Not so much fun when you try your hardest to not let it surface. Anyway, I have since taken one dose of my medication and am lucky it is instant. You ask why I quit taking, well, because I don’t like feeling like a zombie. I have been in a more comatose state on different meds and these aren’t nearly as bad as others but I am wanting to approach my mental health from a more natural perspective. BUT I recognize I probably need to take my medication first and then begin a journey of naturalness later down the road.

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Me-Upset because I am angry

Emotionally

Going into 2019 from ground zero gives me ample opportunity to grow as a person, explore my creativity, help others in need, and expand my horizon. I will do so through forgiving eyes and loving heart. I am going to say no and not feel bad about it. Keeping in mind that I do not have to do anything except what advances me and my daughter. I have a tendency to volunteer my time to solve other peoples problems and that isn’t their fault, doing so continues to hold me back from solving my own.


Do an inventory of your situation and share with me in the comments. I would love to hear from you. Chat with me through email if that feels more comfortable.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

2019

Officially 2019!

12:01 am in Louisiana and many are bringing in the new year with fireworks, champagne, and kisses. How will you do 2019?

Happy New Year- Revenge of Eve

Ready or Not!!

Two-thousand nineteen is here and if we are not careful it will slip past us. From this day forward I will seek avenues that make life more enjoyable. I will volunteer my time to help those in need, if it doesn’t make me happy I will discard it, I will search within for theme that has been buried and I will lead with compassion.

Each year I choose a word as a guide and this year I decided on my third choice which is

-Discover-

It is my hope that 2019 reveals the true me. I am so lost among my diagnosis’ and who I think I am supposed to be. I have acted as a chameleon changing to accommodate my environment. I have always categorized myself a rebel but I’m not sure how true that is. I am opinionated but I believe the rebel in me is tired. I am ready to shed the skin I once wore. It no longer serves a purpose.

I want to discover who I am after alcoholism and drug abuse, separation from my father, diagnosed bipolar, along with my experiences. I am not trying to erase my past rather build upon it. I think January will be rough for me for many reasons but I will persevere. I foresee dramatic changes in 2019 and instead of staying in misery and contentment I will push beyond the fear and either fail or succeed. The only way I know which one is to try.

I will wake after this post is published and I will do so with intention. Have a safe day and buckle your boots, Revenge of Eve is on a mission!!

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve