4.19.19

I am ready to let go of the attachment

that has caused me to quit giving.

I am a giving person

and do so with thought

But

That’s stopped.

I am ready to rid myself of

the idea

I am not good enough.

I am.

I am ready to initiate change in my life

and

trust the outcome.

I have stopped trying to find

me

And now

Allowing it to be.

I am stepping from behind

what everyone expects,

including me;

Me to be.

S.Y.K.

Whaddup?!

Hey y’all! Today’s S.Y.K. is a list of questions that will have you thinking about the future.

This series was established for bloggers to share with their readers a more personal inside look at who is behind their favorite blogs.

Need help linking back to this post??

Email me and I can explain the process to you. It’s simple and you will have learned something new today!! Are you new to the scene? What better way to gain exposure than to participate in other bloggers series!!


S.Y.K-Revenge of Eve

Previous S.Y.K. posts: 1, 2, 3, 4…


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

*As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not

*If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

*What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

*Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

*What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?


My answers to last weeks questions:

  • How much of what you do for other others is conditional? When I give of myself or gift a gift, I do so without condition or expectation. However, it is nice to receive a thank you.
  • Are you driven by motive? Not when I do for others but in order for me to do anything for myself, there must be a reward.
  • Who do you think of when you offer assistance to someone in need? I mostly do for those who struggle and have children. I do for the children. While I am empathetic I am not sympathetic by far. The reason for me to do for those who struggle is strictly for the kids. I do donate to the local women’s home and will soon be able to work with local sex workers.
  • If you see someone, a stranger in distress, do you….. A. look the other way B. hang around to see if they receive help C. jump to aid them without thought D. help if you have time??? None of the above. I freeze. I physically cannot react/respond. I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is almost as though my system shuts down but the thought of the exchange of bodily fluid (my ocd trigger) has much to do with this. My ears usually ring when something bad happens so I stand in place with my eyes shut and my ears plugged. I wish the opposite were true.
  • Do you feel integrity is a moral or something created by society that guilts us to follow societal standards? I truly believe integrity is something that belongs to our soul and is the way to stay true to ourselves. With that said it is one of few standards not set by society. I am an open book and have no regret (except one) from my 40-years of existence and that is because what I’ve done behind closed doors, I would do regardless of who is watching.
Revenge of Eve

S.Y.K.

Hey!

Hi. Hello. Howdy…

So You Know
So You Know

It’s good you chose today to stop by because this week’s challenge is meant to bring laughter so keep that in mind when you participate…if you participate…please just participate!!

I’m in the mood to laugh so I believe I will go ahead and play along this week by answering today’s questions in today’s post!! How about that??

I bet you think I forgot like last week… Tricked ya!! I just decided to try posting at a different time. So, let’s review:

Update*  the editor was acting cray-zzzz yesterday and I could not complete specific parts of this weeks challenge.  I apologize for the delay in posting*


I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post
revenge of eve

  • Have you ever wet your pants or the bed as an adult?  Ages 18- current age?  I used to sleepwalk and… yupp, it involved using the restroom except I always got lost on my way to the bathroom and would end up having to go so bad that I would just go where I stood.  Whether it was in a laundry basket, my bedroom floor (thank God we had hardwood floors), a corner in room and I even tried to do so in a crisper drawer of the refrigerator!!!!  Isn’t this the craziest thing you’ve ever heard??? In my defense, it started when I was a young child but it got worse when I was drinking.  Needless to say, I haven’t had an “episode” in almost four years and for that I am grateful.  hahahahaha

  • Who is your all-time favorite comedian?  How would you describe the style of comedy you enjoy? I would probably have to say, David Spade.  I think I heard of some bad allegations against him here recently and that is a shame but regardless I find him hilarious!  I consider his style to be a dry, honest, cold style of comedy.  This kind of comedy can’t be argued and that is what makes it so funny.  Basically, it is the truth delivered in a comical format.  There is no denying the talent out there and I enjoy many comedians who have a variety of styles but if I had to choose one, it would be him.  Jo Coy is another that I love to watch and cannot resist snorting because I am laughing so hard.

  • Do you and your friends and/or family have a funny person in your circle?  Luckily, yes!!  My uncle is actually a magician and a comedian.  I used to have different characters I would play when we were growing up.  My brother and sister would laugh and laugh at me.  Of course, I would never do it in front of anyone else but still to this day my sister brings up Ethel (my real old lady character).  Anytime I am around my sister all we do is laugh.  She is the person I laugh with the most.
  • Are you good at telling jokes?  Not at all!  The problem for me is that I am too logical and sadly, I rarely ever “get it” -the punchline.

Last weeks question and my answer:

Who are you? And who are you not?


Well, I am not exactly sure.  This year began a journey of self-discovery.  I have an idea but I will revisit this question when I can answer with certainty.

I am not a thief, a social person, a follower, or a hypocrite.

Did you participate last week?
Be honest:
Do you like this series?
I appreciate all the feedback I can get.
Thanks y’all!Revenge of Eve


In Search Of

In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

Realizations

I had an epiphany the other day when I published Southern Belle from Hell. I even said it in the letter.

If two strangers have the same negative experience with you, you need to check yourself…..

And then I went on to say that I encounter these type of women on a daily basis, in which I do but…

I do not take back nor apologize for what I said in the letter…but what I will do is acknowledge my part.

What the hell am I doing?

Is it the fact that I am manic? (I need to admit that to myself because it is what it is…right?) Today I am too much for people and I can see how. I have been medication free for almost three months so that sounds about right.

Back on my meds again, soon? As much as I hate it, it’s a possibility.

In search of-Revenge of Eve

Hold up…do I hate it? If I did I would be curving to the temptations of astigmatism. I do not hate it. I am embracing It.

Sitting with it.

Allowing it to be just as it is.

This is my first ever omission to mania. I usually try to hoard it and keep it bottled in. In all honesty, it was this post on The Bipolar Writer, written by C.M. North, that cued me to tune in.

This is my first time to recognize, better yet, acknowledge the symptoms of my mania.

Everything is overwhelming. My senses are heightened and I feel…discombobulated.

Out of it.

Someone needs me.

I am forgetting something.

My mind races 1,000 mph.

I take things personally.

I am not in my lane.

I am in search of…..

This is when I unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. I am brutally honest, often unapologetically. My truth is being exposed so….fuck it, I’ll expose yours.

Paranoia sets in.

The whispers start. And it isn’t my imagination because they are talking about me. They talk about how I am mean, bossy, and a bitch yet they claim to not judge others or even better, they understand.

I don’t even understand.

I question if I should ride this wave a bit longer. But I know I shouldn’t because it affects everyone. Not just me.

I go to extremes and the fall…

.

the fall is brutal, puncturing any progress I’ve made along the way. As I rapidly type this, no really you should see my thumbs tapping away, I am putting together the puzzle of my life. My eyes are opening but the question that remains is,

Am I ready to not be this way? It’s all I know but all I am discovering. And all I wish to go away.

You may say, ” you act like you have a choice”.

I think I do and it is others who my mania effects negatively and maybe I am tired of dumbing myself down for them. No one cares that I am sensitive. Nope, all they remember are my words. Their truth.

Subsequently

Having a mental illness is a challenge. Having cooccurring disorders is torcher. The gravitational pull into the abyss is daunting. It glitters, inviting me into its embrace. The familiarity is the bait. The contentment, isolating. Before you know it, a hospital gown with no underwire bra. No drawstring pants. The exciting time of your day is med time.

We are caged.


In Search Of-Revenge of Eve

After some research and sleep, I woke refreshed. There has been a huge shift with the moon. This explains everything. If you have followed R.O.E. for any length of time, you have heard me speak of the moon and the effects it has on me. This type of shift hasn’t happened in 9 years!!.

When I often discuss the way I feel with energy it is referred to as being an empath. I have never really liked calling myself that because it seems to be a trend of sorts. I do my best to stray away from the trends of our society.

Yesterday it was too much too handle. I wasn’t. Feeling what everyone else feels can be a gift but it can also be paralyzing.

I do wonder if I should stop labeling myself as bipolar. What we think, we become and this has always been my belief. Ironically I’ve not ever put it to good use.

I don’t say that because I am in denial. It is the stigmatism attached that is negative and that in itself weighs on me. I understand that not everyone feels to the extremes in which I do but what about that makes me ill? Or disordered?

I am tackling these types of things on a daily basis as I grow in my understanding of who I am. It is a struggle to feel everything but I am realizing that I would rather this than to be medicated. It’s sad that being thrown into a hospital is the solution for those of us who have yet to set interpersonal boundaries for ourselves.

Imagine if you will… You walk into a room and you are technically “happy”. Suddenly you are hit with a sense of anger and confusion. And from there you navigate around the area and begin feeling feelings of sadness and before you know, you’ve jumped back to happy all within a 30-minute time frame. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot. This is what I experience if I do not put up barriers.

I had gotten really good at putting up walls to not allow everything to impact me. Slowly I’ve let them down not remembering why I had initially built them. Now….. I raise them which is much easier said than done.

Although I may not understand what is going on, I am fully aware that my life is shifting. As I reread this it jumps all over the place but there is legit sense to it. I just hope I come out on the better end of things. Kinder to myself and more open to others. Right now the fog that lifts is one of pain. I don’t want to be calloused. I want to love. Starting with myself.

Love you peeps!!

S.Y.K.

2019: Challenge Reeemixxx


Sorry I am posting this so late on this Monday but I woke with a terrible headache which made it difficult to look at a screen. 🙁


So You Know

Hey you fun, question-answering love bugs (don’t ask me..)

You’ve made it back!! I appreciate the participation and I hope your answers give your readers a little more insight into who you are from a non-blogging perspective. Last week we had a pretty good set of questions but not as deep as the first week. This week consists of only one question with two parts.

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion 😉 (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

Revenge of Eve

Think about this, if you will:

Who are you? And who are you not?

That’s it! I ask that you dig deep. Write a post detailing the things about yourself you would like to be said at your eulogy. Everyone wants to be remembered in a certain way. Are you living a life that you are proud of? And the second part would be the things that you know, wholeheartedly, that you are not.


My Answers to Last Weeks Questions

  1. Do you struggle with your mental health (ie. diagnosed)? Yes. I am diagnosed with occurring illnesses. I am in recovery from alcohol, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and OCD. My symptom is minimal, currently speaking. I went undiagnosed for over 20 years and suffered a great deal from my own decisions. I was diagnosed formally as bipolar in January of 2017 and began medication in September of 2017. You can read the full story here.
  2. What is the most aggravating misconception as it relates to your diagnosis? For me and all of my diagnosis, it would have to be that we look a certain way. I am told more often than not that I do not look like an alcoholic or someone who is bipolar. This confuses me but it does make sense because the media outlets and Hollywood have us portrayed as overdramatic, frantic characters who attack others while pulling our own teeth out (not exactly but pretty close).
  3. Is there a history of mental illness in your immediate family? I consider mother, father, siblings and grandparents immediate family and yes, my maternal grandmother and grandfather were alcoholics and I think my Ma could very well be bipolar and ocd. She hasn’t been formally diagnosed but boy does she has some mood swings! Maybe not bipolar but definitely ocd, in my non-professional opinion.
  4. If you could change the stigma surrounding your diagnosis, how would you go about so? I think the first step would be to stop allowing our media outlets to portray any disorder through visual or verbal description. Next would be on a legislative level and lastly on an educational level. If I knew how to implement it I would have already began so this is where my idea has began and ended.
  5. Do you believe that maintaining our mental wellness will ever rank in importance with maintaining our physical health? Why or why not? In the future, after I am gone, I believe so. The world is rapidly changing and the importance our our mental health has seen a significant increase already. I believe our future generations will implement change where it is necessary. I not only have hope, I have faith in our children to construct our society.

Use today to mentally structure your week. Be present and kind to yourself.

Revenge of Eve

Learning to Love Myself Without Shrinking

One Word

It is often said that words do not define us.  In my personal realm, they do.  I may have mentioned this a time or two.  What I mean is that I require words to give to people to describe who I am and am not.

I hold onto words.  I have a love-hate relationship with them.  I love how eloquently they roll off your tongue when telling someone you love them.   I love the punch they have when said in anger. 
I am sure we can agree that words are powerful.

Ironically, I struggle to find words that I relate too.  Ya know, fit the definition of.  This was the case when in rehab and mental facilities when the counselors would say that I had abandonment issues.  I never agreed. How could someone have abandonment issues when the abuser was there?  He did not do me a favor and leave, no, he stayed.

One day, out of the blue, it dawned on me.  It is rejection, for me, not abandonment.  Being able to communicate that has changed my world and recently a good friend of mine did it for me with yet again, one word…

Territorial

You all have read about my confession of being able to absorb the energy of others and it is the word territorial that describes why I am the way I am.

How’s that??  Allow me to dish it to ya…

All of my life I have used words such as possessive, protective, even jealous (which I am not by nature) to describe how I am with those closest to me.
Once I feel safe with someone, in my mind, they literally become mine.  Like seriously.

Their well being at that point has been assigned to me to guard.  If at any point I feel that they are in an uncomfortable situation, I swoop in and defend.  I will go to any length to bring my friend or family the level of comfort they need. 

I do not take these actions based on their command, I do so by sensing their energy.  Pretty much their energy tells on them.  At work, if anyone is rude or aggressive with any of the girls,  I immediately chime in and make it known that none of that nonsense will take place.  Not with me around anyway.

Learning to Love Myself-Revenge of Eve

Having always been this way, I never thought to put a word to it. But when I thought about it, the words I did chose were all associated as negative describers and that part of me isn’t necessarily bad or negative. This only confirms one thing, I am not crazy. I do feel on a different spectrum/level than others.

The second I heard my friend use the term territorial in the same sentence as Candace, something clicked. A light flickered and everything seemed to come full circle at that moment. Here’s the circle…

” The things I am to discover about myself are not bad. I am not bad. I was just labeled that as a child growing up. Not only did I think I was because of my dad but also because no one’s parents would let them hang out with me. In my adult life, most of my friend’s boyfriends do not like it when their girlfriend hangs out with me (the insecure ones anyway).”

Candace Lynne

Intimidating and snobby are two words people have used to describe me, more than I’d like to admit.  Two of which, if I may say so myself, are words I’d rather not be associated with. Intimidating isn’t too harsh but snobby is something I have tried my whole life not to be. My dad is a snob. Yuck! When this has been said I didn’t have a rebuttal and now, I do!! I can see it now…

“I thought you were a snob”

“Ummm excuse me??? I am territorial” 😉

(Oh, my bad. I had a moment of role play there for a sec.)


Chit Chat

 

Some people do not like using words to describe them because they feel as though it attaches a label.  I cannot argue that labels are put on people, therefore, limiting their abilities but for me, they are necessary. 

Along this road I am traveling, I discover something new about myself daily.  In an effort to change the way I view myself it is vital that I do not consider things about my character as bad or wrong.

If you have ever suffered emotional abuse a common tendency is to belittle ourselves.  This is the opinion of the abuser not necessarily the opinion we have of ourselves.  It is this conditioning that requires us to take note of the way we talk to ourself, change it, and move forward.  Implementing change takes action and although sometimes difficult, in the end, we reap the benefits.

It is difficult to change any habit and I am finding the kinder I am to myself, the easier the climb.  We each have our own level of tolerance and should never look down upon someone for the choices they make along their journey.  You either accept certain things or you don’t and you move on.  Life is too short to be wasting time in situations with unresolved issues.


By no means has it been easy to get where I am, to be able to say this.  Awkward moments staring in the mirror trying to spit out, “you deserve better than this”, took a strength I had to verbally ask for.  This may seem small to some who may ” have had it worse” but for me,  being kind to myself is the biggest thing I’ve done yet.  Even quitting alcohol after 20+ years abuse seemed easier.

Revenge of Eve

Brokenness can be mended.  Not overnight and not without tears.  I share this not to brag but simply to restore one person’s faith in themselves.  I know if I can do it, you can too.  But you have to want too… Want to remove the chaos, sit in silence, look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your role in all of it.  Not as a source of blame but to find a true strength that will elevate you and carry you through.

Tomorrow will present its own set of obstacles but at least now I can approach them with myself on my side.  Lightening the load is half the battle. Learning how to love yourself without shrinking wins the battle.

💕Revenge of Eve

Tapping In

Purpose

When I hear the word purpose, I associate it with an action. I believe to find one’s purpose is to be of assistance to another albeit mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially. In search of myself, I have made it my purpose to open up to the possibilities of who I am and will become.


Tapping In-Revenge of Eve

This for me means trusting energy. Accepting I have a gifted sense of energy that surrounds me. In order for me to be of service to others, it is vital that I tap into ways of surpassing fear. Having such a gift can be controversial to some yet healing and helpful for others. Right now my purpose sits in solitude waiting for my approval and daily I am witness to this charming gift. Theses energies fill a space in my body.

Sensorly, particular areas will heighten in the presence of certain energies and some are subtle nudges that say in a meek tone, I’m here. Sometimes it is a feeling and other times it comes to me in words.

I am learning what these energies represent. They all show up different. From an extremely young age, I’ve known when I am in the presence of a molester or woman abuser (I was able to identify the energy when I was in high school). The way they transmit their energy feels to same to me. Believe me when I say, they know I know.

Talking about this is scary and I can see why I wanted to drown it with the bottle or numb it with other substances. Like mental illness, describing it is an uphill battle and one not socially accepted therefore creating an ignorance.

A few days ago I commented on the energy of two girls. I didn’t want to offend them because they both already know how I feel about them and although I pointed out the shift, I didn’t tell them I have finally concluded what that exact energy represents. It’s shadiness. You know like a snake. Sneaky. It has a few names but it feels the same. A dead heavy weight felt in my stomach and like a ball in my throat.

At the moment I felt this, it was almost as everything stopped and was in slow motion. Kind of like giving me time to process and associate. And then as though someone had hit the rewind button we were all standing there. All I could say was…whoa. Did y’all feel that?


No Worries

Undoubtedly, this is something I rarely discuss and doing so leaves me vulnerable and questioning if I am doing the right thing. No, I am not manic, no I am not drunk and yes I am nervous sharing this with my readers. Personally, I believe each of us is gifted in the sense of feeling surrounding energy but the way we process it is different. Some chose to ignore it altogether and I can’t blame them. For myself, it’s too much to let slide.

Accepting this as a part of who I am isn’t a recent phenomenon. I have done everything in my wheelhouse, unhealthy and healthy, to prevent myself from these feelings. I have opened up about this more in the last year with those closest to me. To them, this is another part of my weirdness. But it is more than a part of who I am. It is the part I have mostly tried to hide, drown and bury.

A lot of these attribute to being an empath as does the draining I experience in large crowds and the required solitude. Is it possible all empath’s are energy sensitive?


Stay

Please don’t read this and run for the hills. I am not changing my blog’s focus to crystal healing and contacting spirits but what I am doing is following a path that has seemed to be beaten down right before my very eyes. Each day that I have allowed myself to be receptive, I have received valuable insight into who I am and why I do or have done the things I’ve done.

Before I would not see the correlation rather internally fall to the belief that I am inherently bad or a mistake. I am not finding excuses, I am finding patterns and habits that with time and dedication can be unlearned and broken.

I have been given fresh eyes to see a tattered story that was fueled by fear and lies. One day at a time, I will continue along this journey, keeping it simple and allowing myself to be open to the direction I am taken in. Without resistance.