Can It Really Be Considered Progress?

Relationships

The only thing I can honestly say about relationships is that I have had my fair share of toxic, broken, manipulative ones. Looking at my situation from my point of view I am impressed that I survived. I am also impressed by my growth.


I put emphasis on growth because when it comes down to it, I am only attracted to the bad boys with a record and prison tatts. My interpersonal relationships have blossomed and produced fruits of love, laughter, and compassion…compromise. Yadayada.

But, is being single actual growth? Especially when I am not one to have intimate relationships in the first place and the ones I do have extend for years and years and years (they seem to drag out). My relationship record can be described using one word; painful. I do not have the best track record. Jealousy, greed, alcohol, lust….all the bad stuff, have ruled my idea of love.

The true progress can be seen in my interpersonal relationships with close friends and family. The most recent example of this would be the separation from my lifelong best friend. It was for me. Throughout the 30+ years of our relationship, I was the giver never to receive. Her selfishness became extreme and her sickness has grown. What sickness? Her mental state is deteriorating and she refuses to seek professional advice. It feels like abandonment but for the first time in my life I committed to sticking to my boundaries and did so.

What I find difficult is trusting myself with getting into a relationship. I don’t think I am ready but do we ever know when we are? I am perfectly content being alone single. The only thing that is lacking is the obvious, sex. The abundance of sexually transmitted diseases makes it challenging to sleep with random guys. I was lucky and had a “friend” but he moved away and now there is one I have been talking to for a year, off and on, that I finally met up with. I know he is no good for me. I’ll say that.

Can it be considered progress-Revenge of Eve

At this moment I find myself more interested in giving dating chance but how does someone who has never “dated” date? Times are different from when I was growing up. I do not get out of the house enough to randomly meet someone and I don’t dare enter the shark infested waters of online dating. I am limited in my options. Honestly, when I think of having to care how someone else feels, I am turned off by the idea. It is exhausting to maintain a relationship (see paragraph one). If given a semi-decent man I am afraid I would ruin him with my lack of trust in the man species as a whole.

I don’t have faith there are good ones out there. I’ll be truthful and say even if there are, I wouldn’t be attracted to them (see paragraph two). Compromise seems like a great suggestion but for what? Compromise sex for the title? I couldn’t. Maybe if they were a reformed bad boy… At 40 years old I’m not too sure I have hope in the arena of intimate relationships.

I have always gravitated towards younger guys. But I don’t want to be older than my “other half”, anymore. I am ok with my age but I do not want to constantly be reminded of it. Realistically I am not yet whole and just began my journey towards self-love and it is possible I was the problem all along. I take credit for my role in the toxicity of my failed relationships but is that all it takes to move on? Acknowledging your role? I have a long road that awaits and the idea of a partner to join me both sounds tempting and repulsive.

Throughout my life, I have been more productive in being alone. Being in a relationship has been more of a distraction than anything. When I am in one I tend to lose myself, albeit I’ve not found who that self is. Perhaps the pressure I feel from deciding to discover who I am has subliminally planted the desire for a relationship and I am not falling for it!! I refuse to enter into a partnership with the mindset I’ve always had. It consumes me in an unhealthy way that leads to paranoia, jealousy, and often rage. It’s time I put all that effort into myself and not experience those dramatic emotions once and for all.

That fact I am now able to recognize all of this is where progress can be seen. I am pleased with that. It is enough. I am enough.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Changing My Life (One Day At A Time)

Revenge of Eve

Hello 2019

It is now the new year. So much pressure is put on the new year and I realized this as I scrolled through reading the posts of other bloggers. I am not putting that pressure on myself. I am aware that life happens and that I am not in control but I will do what I am capable of doing to pass on positivity and learn about myself in the process.


January

I have set my goals for January. The target goal assigned to this month is: Be More Present (most significantly as a mom)

Keeping it simple they are:

  1. Do not take my phone to the field (soccer).
  2. One hour each time Kid is with me is to be spent with no technology
  3. Journal daily

My secondary goals are:

  1. Exercise 30 minutes a day. Not strenuous or exhaustive. Stretching is good.
  2. Use the focus mode setting on my laptop.
  3. Listen to a podcast about mindfulness. Do not do anything while listening.
  4. Write a gratitude list every morning.

Revenge of Eve

Exercising

I did not list exercise as a goal to lose weight. I am at a good weight but I would like to tone the loose, hanging skin (as tears drop my eyes). I am no spring chicken and at 40 I need to keep momentum for health purposes. I am not one who is committed to eating healthy or exercising. I was gifted with decent enough genes that I haven’t worried about it. This isn’t to say that I’ve never been overweight because in my alcoholism I weighed a hearty 200 pounds. When I quit drinking I was able to shed 60 pounds pretty quickly. Shew but with that came flabby skin that I am self-conscious about. Well, I start today and will begin with stretching.

Podcast & Gratitude

Ok. I have been waiting with bated breath to share with y’all my absolute favorite podcast so far. I am new to the scene of podcasts so it is possible you have discovered this one but if you haven’t, you must! If you are on any type of spiritual journey or identity journey, I highly recommend Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. Hands down a goosebump, ah-ha type of podcast.

I listen to it on Spotify but I am sure it is on iTunes as well. I pay monthly for my account so I am not sure if the free version offers podcasts. Each morning I have it programmed to play on my Google Home after the weather. It has been an inspiring way to begin my day.

A common denominator that the guests share about being fulfilled in life is through gratitude, love, and compassion. I will be intent on focusing on each of these individually with my target goals but also as a combined practice. Listing three things that I am grateful for in my planner helps keep me mindful throughout the day about the small things in life. I know I need it. Not because I am ungrateful but because I tend to forget about how good I have it.

When I first began Revenge of Eve my tagline was Painfully Privileged. I changed it so that I didn’t come off snobby but that is my truth. I have been fortunate throughout my life, not without pain, and I used that as a snarky tagline but ultimately removed it. My mother has provided shelter for my daughter and I over the course of my adult life. When I was actively drinking I would do good, move out, maintain, and then fall back. She has always been there to catch me and I realize not everyone has this luxury. Some may call it enabling but my Ma is not going to let her granddaughter suffer because of her mom’s choices.

Focus

Most of you are aware that I struggle with focusing. Thanksgiving night I braved the crowd and went to Best Buy with the intentions of getting a phone and walked out with an HP 2n1 Pavillion laptop. Under the setting is a mode called focus. As I have mentioned I haven’t used it yet but January will be the month. I will set the mode for one of my time blocks; 45 minutes. I will report the details in a later post. Fingers crossed it works.

Changing my life-Revenge of Eve

Difficult Decisions

The most significant change I am considering is leaving my job at the casino. It is extremely taxing physically and in order for our shift to operate smoothly all hand must be on deck. We have run into an entitled group of young servers who do not pull their weight making the load for us senior servers too heavy to bear. At my age and with my anger, I am tired, overworked and unhappy.

I am thinking about job hunting at a local bar where it is me I rely on. Being behind a bar is my safe area. It’s me that sets up, serves my guests, cleans and makes my money. So you guessed it. If I am going to be frustrated with anyone it will be myself. I have a loyalty to my managers at the casino and that has been what has kept me there the past week. I have left my shift in complete disarray as of late. The holiday season is grueling on my body and adding the extra weight of immature, lazy 19-23-year-olds, pisses me off. It isn’t necessary. I am prepared to make these difficult decisions this year. It is myself who has to live with what I choose and I trust me now. And that feels good.

I voiced my thoughts to my manager and she asked I hang on a little while longer until she can get new staff on board. I will wait as patiently as possible for the next two weeks.


As part of my morning routine, I write the thoughts that come to mind. I wrote the above, difficult decisions, before going into work. When I arrived at work my co-worker Dawn said she had something for me. Surprised and not knowing what for my immediate response was why. She knew I had a bad day the day before and she thought a gift bag full of stickers would brighten my day, along with two pair off socks and a cute triangular hanging flag! She was right! It literally made my heart pound that she would do something as sweet as this for me. Her story and mine are strangely familiar and that is what we have built our friendship upon. This gesture added such a kind sense of compassion to our friendship. It is these type of acts of kindness that restore my faith in humanity, a smidget. 😉


Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Ground Zero

An inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually going into 2k19

Ground Zero-Revenge of Eve

I decided to take inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually, giving me something to measure. I suppose I could add emotionally to the mix as well because it plays a vital role in our lives.

My current situation does not reflect any growth from 2018.  In fact, it seems that I have gone backward.  Originally I was on a 5-year plan.  I accomplished all of my goals for four years even though I wasted a year and a half because I was still drinking.  2018 was the 5th year on this plan.

My goal was to be moved out of my mothers home and into a place of my own.  While I didn’t necessarily fail at this, it will not be happening.  My mother’s health is not in tip-top shape.  She has COPD, a hernia, and three ulcers that prevent her from eating certain foods and lifting heavy objects.  She doesn’t have health insurance because she makes too much to get government-funded insurance yet not enough to be able to afford health care.  She will qualify for Medicaid in two years.

She has been forced to the doctors because of pain and an inability to work but that only made her temporarily well.  My fear is that as soon as I move out she will need me to move back in.  I help with some of the finances around the house which takes a little off her plate but not nearly enough.  She and I decided that it would be best if I stay.  I feel that I have failed somewhat because I should be contributing more.  It is my plan to give her at least $100 more a month in 2019. 


Financially

Ground Zero-Revenge of Eve

Yes, that is a picture of my actual bank account. :/ Don’t feel sorry for me, it is after Christmas. By the looks of this, I am starting my year off at ground zero which isn’t bad in some instances. I mean, where can I go from here? Only up, right? I keep the majority of my money in little cash envelopes in a drawer in my room but that’s not where my money is. I am broke starting the year off.

From a financial standpoint, I have always made money on a daily basis and have lived to pay my bills this way. In 2018 I accumulated my first ever savings and it totaled a whopping $3,000.00. That is a lot of money for someone who makes $2.15 an hour. It’s crazy the amount of work I do for that hourly rate and the disrespect I put up with for that matter. I do make tips but using yesterday as an example, I had two tables that didn’t tip me and guess what? I pay taxes on my sales reported on my checkout at the end of the shift. Basically, when you do not tip your server, they pay, double. No complaints, I’ve done this for 20+ years. Moving on…

Spiritually

This year is one of being honest with myself and it starts here. I have been being pulled toward being able to define my God. My God. Not the one who has a beard and sports long, wavy hair. The picture of my God is golden and that is as far as I’ve gotten. I also cringe when I hear or see the word God because my account is attached to the organized religion God. Ya know the punishing God who doesn’t allow Baptist’s to dance, the one who condemns people to hell for loving the same sex… I am changing the name God to Her so if you read any post further from here and read me talk about Her, that is what I am referring to.

I know that my God has big things in store for me not by way of money but by way of peace by helping others because that is what my soul has been sent here to do. I do not ever discuss this out of fear that it will scare others away but it is my truth. I have a gift and sense things others don’t and this year I will be tuning into the intuition that I have run from for a long time.

Mentally

Ok, I’ll admit. I have been off my meds for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly until a few days ago. The culprit is pms. It is common for people who suffer from bipolar, women, to experience terrible pre-menstrual symptoms related to increased levels of estrogen. With that said I felt a familiar enemy rise. Anger.

If you are new to these parts, I have a terrible anger problem that has caused me tremendous anguish and humiliation. Not so much fun when you try your hardest to not let it surface. Anyway, I have since taken one dose of my medication and am lucky it is instant. You ask why I quit taking, well, because I don’t like feeling like a zombie. I have been in a more comatose state on different meds and these aren’t nearly as bad as others but I am wanting to approach my mental health from a more natural perspective. BUT I recognize I probably need to take my medication first and then begin a journey of naturalness later down the road.

psx_20181221_153449325647860.jpg
Me-Upset because I am angry

Emotionally

Going into 2019 from ground zero gives me ample opportunity to grow as a person, explore my creativity, help others in need, and expand my horizon. I will do so through forgiving eyes and loving heart. I am going to say no and not feel bad about it. Keeping in mind that I do not have to do anything except what advances me and my daughter. I have a tendency to volunteer my time to solve other peoples problems and that isn’t their fault, doing so continues to hold me back from solving my own.


Do an inventory of your situation and share with me in the comments. I would love to hear from you. Chat with me through email if that feels more comfortable.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

2019

Officially 2019!

12:01 am in Louisiana and many are bringing in the new year with fireworks, champagne, and kisses. How will you do 2019?

Happy New Year- Revenge of Eve

Ready or Not!!

Two-thousand nineteen is here and if we are not careful it will slip past us. From this day forward I will seek avenues that make life more enjoyable. I will volunteer my time to help those in need, if it doesn’t make me happy I will discard it, I will search within for theme that has been buried and I will lead with compassion.

Each year I choose a word as a guide and this year I decided on my third choice which is

-Discover-

It is my hope that 2019 reveals the true me. I am so lost among my diagnosis’ and who I think I am supposed to be. I have acted as a chameleon changing to accommodate my environment. I have always categorized myself a rebel but I’m not sure how true that is. I am opinionated but I believe the rebel in me is tired. I am ready to shed the skin I once wore. It no longer serves a purpose.

I want to discover who I am after alcoholism and drug abuse, separation from my father, diagnosed bipolar, along with my experiences. I am not trying to erase my past rather build upon it. I think January will be rough for me for many reasons but I will persevere. I foresee dramatic changes in 2019 and instead of staying in misery and contentment I will push beyond the fear and either fail or succeed. The only way I know which one is to try.

I will wake after this post is published and I will do so with intention. Have a safe day and buckle your boots, Revenge of Eve is on a mission!!

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

When I Becomes We: Creative Planning

When I Becomes We-Planning 2019-Revenge of Eve

Hey You Busy Bee’s

This will be our last post before the new year arrives! Today we will be discussing breaking our plans down further but also what it means to creative plan. I cannot wait to see what y’all come up with.

By The Hour

If any of you struggle with focusing this will be a great idea for you to try. I have used this technique for about two weeks and my productivity has skyrocketed! It is called block scheduling and it.is.amazing!

The original idea is called the Pomodoro technique. Wikipedia defines it…

The Pomodoro Technique is a time management method developed by Francesco Cirillo in the late 1980s. The technique uses a timer to break down work into intervals, traditionally 25 minutes in length, separated by short breaks. These intervals are named pomodoros, the anglicized plural of the Italian word Pomodoro(tomato), after the tomato-shaped kitchen timer that Cirillo used as a university student“.

Many people have used this technique and have claimed their success on behalf of it. For myself, I choose to block more than 25 minutes because it seems to take me a few minutes to get focused on the task at hand but also for purposes of not having to set multiple timers. I begin a task at the beginning of the hour, work 45 minutes and then the last 15 minutes of the hour is my break between.

Here is an example of what my daily schedule looks like by the hour.

Creative Planning-Revenge of Eve

Creative Planning

Creative planning is where people use stickers, art, colored highlights, tabs, charts, specialty stickers, watercolors… Artsy mediums to decorate their plans. There is a crazy creative planning community and I love them! They are very supportive of one another. There are many Etsy shops that cater to this type of planning.

You can purchase printable undated calendars and add them to your system with lots of room for decorating. Each week is decorated in what is called a spread. You can find millions of examples on Instagram. Type planner community into the search bar and watch the beautiful, overcrowded planner pages pop up. This helps a lot of people to dedicate time to their planning and really look at it because let’s face it, a pretty page full of stickers is more welcoming than a blank calendar.

I’m not certain of any specific guidelines for creative planning so I just follow the beat of my own drum and do whatever it is that makes me happy.

I encourage you to do the same. It helps you stay mindful, alleviates stress, reduces anxiety and the results are nice to look at. If you can’t draw, they have stencils you can use. I use journaling cards in mine. I cut them out and glue them to my pages. I mix stickers, magazine clippings, stencils, stamping to create my own style. You should too.

*remember not to compare yours to others*

2019- When I becomes We- Revenge of Eve

Another thing I did for this year, I created a vision board. I used the front of the January separator in my planner. The paper is sturdy cardstock that holds up nicely. I added elements that all brought together to show what I want to bring to life in 2019. I am going to do another one June, halfway through the year and see how the two align. I opted to do this to make sure I am staying on target with the three goals originally set.

2019- When I becomes We- Revenge of Eve
2019 vision board in my planner

If you have never made a vision board, it is quite simple. It’s basically collaging but with intention. You find words or images that describe what you want to attract into your life and paste them on a poster board or you can do as I did and use the sturdier pages in your planner. I have a few more words I intend to add to mine. Discover must find it’s way on my board, love and a few others will be glued on somewhere.

It is suggested to focus on what you are creating because the energy you put in will be the energy you receive. I didn’t do mine as intently but I did enjoy the process. Will you give it a go? If so, snap a shot and drop it in the comments.

I struggle with focusing and will need to make sure I am staying on track. I painted a reminder sign and framed it. It sits right by my desk and says, “one idea at a time”.

2019- When I becomes We- Revenge of Eve
not my best lettering-lol

And now for accountability purposes, here are my three target goals for 2019:

  1. Be more present (more specifically, as a mom).
  2. Define who I am, using three adjectives.
  3. Heal from past hurt and forgive where needed.

Have you set your three?

Please do share your 2019 goals with me!! I would love to hear them. Are you setting any blogging goals in 2019? I am not setting any blogging goals this year. I will continue to find and develop my voice. I will not have the time to market my blog but I do intend to grow my email list and sell my handmade products. How do you plan to achieve your resolution or goals? Will you be joining me on my journey? If not, share your strategy. I may wanna follow you or borrow a few ideas. Anything helps.


Ps. I must add to this that I also use digital calendars set with reminders to keep me up to date. I recommend finding your system. The paper and pen technique is something I find calming. It helps keep my attention whereas technology disrupts my course of action.

With my new laptop, there is a focus mode to which you set to decrease distraction from mindless scrolling. I haven’t yet tried it but will come the new year.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

An Introduction

Presenting-An Introduction-Revenge of Eve

An Introduction

I am always trying to think of ways to make my blog stand out in a sea of blogs but also wanting to invent trendy ways of bringing blogs together.

The first example of this was by creating my own niche. I did this in an effort to make those of us who discuss many topics feel a sense of belonging. Having a niche topic works for some and for those of us that feel it limits us, I now offer the unconventional lifestyle niche. Please feel free to label your site as so if this fits your style!! I would be so honored.

An Intro-Revevnge of Eve

That led me to decide on An Introduction, which will be a brief intro to the categories within my blog. So… I must backtrack and present to you the ones that have been established thus far here on R.O.E. and also introduce a new category.

Personal growth & goals

This is a category created to document the efforts and tools put into place for my personal growth. I am passionate about this category. It is in its infancy as am I. 2019 is my year to focus on uncovering and revealing the true me. It will be a raw experience with the hopes of life-changing results.

I do wonder if I will get anything out of it, I must admit. I am also hesitant about the vulnerability that comes with it but I trust my readers with my crazy, so to speak. We shall see. If it feels like too much I will slow my roll.

Planning & Organization

Each of the categories is pretty self-explanatory. Having co-occurring illnesses it is vital to living with a daily routine/schedule. This helps keep surprises at bay and allows for preparation, mental, for changing environments.

Less clutter has been proven to be a good thing for our mental health. Eliminating the chaos from our immediate surrounds gives us the opportunity to be productive. Clutter is a distraction and can increase anxiety. Over the course of a year, I plan to organize every aspect of my life. This will require a plan.

Thanks to social media, I discovered what I have done all along now has a name and a community. It is called creative planning and if you like crafty things, you will love creative planning! Stay tuned to find out more.

Mental Health & Recovery

It is what it says. Anything having to do with mental health, substance abuse, alcoholism, bipolar, OCD, healthy tips, and tricks, etc. This category is one that is personal to my heart and my life. I am diagnosed bipolar 1, anxiety, and OCD. I received my diagnosis in January 2017 after living 38 years in complete disarray.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and recommend you read my inspirational life story. This will give you an idea of the writer behind the blog.

Holiday Greetings

I noticed when I wanted to acknowledge a holiday that the post didn’t have a category so I created one! (Surprised?). Holiday greetings is for those posts wishing my readers a day of enjoyment.

R.O.E. Need To Know

This category is for information regarding this blog. Anything related specifically to the operations, simple additions and information I decide to share about this site with my readers. My curiosity leaves me wondering about the how to’s and why’s in life and I established this category for those of you who may be curious like me. 🙂

Creative and Collective

This is a new category that I haven’t published a post for but I am excited to bring it to R.O.E. When this site (not R.O.E., long story) was first established it was dedicated to exploring my creative side. While I don’t consider it a fail I felt boxed into a niche that I wasn’t familiar with. I didn’t want to scrap the entire idea rather integrate my newfound hobbies.

It is here I will discuss my handmade products and boast about the things that I collect. These items include paper, vintage epherema, purses, and glasses. We all have small things that bring big joy to our lives and these are mine.

More to Come…

A few more will be added and with them, come an introduction. I created a category menu that can be found at the bottom of the site. Click on one of them and it will take you to the posts that have been categorized under the listed category. I used the social menu to create these category menus and that added them to the top of my site as well. They showed up as WordPress logo buttons instead of the category name. You can use those as well.

If this idea inspires you to create a menu similar to mine, I encourage you to do so. If you decide to classify your blog as An Unconventional Lifestyle blog, link to this or any other post so I can check it out. 

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve