About That… A Review of January

Don’t Judge Me

If this month has taught me anything it has taught me that I am resilient. Getting back up is my strength. And… I am my worst enemy.

A lot of times I think, in this broken thinker of mine, that I am going to follow a plan because I put it out there, therefore holding myself accountable. Well, if that ain’t a load of bullshit, I don’t know what is. Long ago, back in the caveman days, I kept a strict schedule, a tight to-do list and guess what???
Go ahead, guess…


About that- Revenge of Eve

I was a slave to check boxes and timers. I lived a life with no room for error and it ruined my idea of planning. I made calculated steps toward an uncertain future. One day I decided no more lists (17 years ago) and I didn’t make one or a plan until three years ago. Before I know it I find myself writing blog posts about planning my year.

WWhhooaaa!!!!! That escalated quickly! Before I become obsessed with lists and planning, I am bringing it to a screeching halt. Part-time planning works well for me. It isn’t stressful. In fact, I refuse to fall prey to something I have once experienced (unless it is rejection, then I’ll go back for more). I adore the idea that planning presents but it is the aesthetic of the products that I am obsessed with.

I confess.

If you are a subscriber then you will have read that I was going to help a friend with somewhat life coaching her. Bahahahahahaha!! It went well for three days but I can’t be responsible for organizing someone else’s life. Plus she’s flaky like me and her mood determines what she does or doesn’t do (Love you Tiff). Another prime example of how easy it is for me to forget about the task at hand.


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What’s That?

ME!!!!

It Wasn’t a Total Fail

At the beginning of the month, I had momentum and thank Her for that.   I needed it for the next two weeks to come.  My planner is full with a daily gratitude list, journal logs, and podcasts confirmed… The first three weeks (there are 5 in January)! 

I think that is awesome. 

But…
For purposes of setting mini goals to achieve a larger goal, I must reflect on what I set as mini goals and whether or not they pushed me closer toward my ultimate goal.

I can’t say for certain where I was mentally when I listed said goals but for some odd reason I didn’t even know the main goal that I designated as my January goal!!! A little coo-coo. When I realized I wasn’t sure what exactly I was working toward, I checked the front of the month in my planner and to my surprise, it was to Be More Present

If you are lost you can check out the three-part series for a better understanding.

 One. Two. Three.

Quick Looksie

The three mini-goals I set were:

  • No phone at soccer games
  • An hour no tech, a day
  • Journal daily

Let’s see how I fared. There were a total of seven games in the month of January. I attended four. My daughter didn’t play because of a hurt muscle three of the seven games and she only played a quarter of one other.

I am ZERO for 4!!!  on my mini goal of not bringing my phone to the field. I had every intention of leaving it in my car the first game but I brought it just in case. In my defense, the game was a flush. The opposing team is in its infancy and the game was called on the “no score” rule, once we made our fifth goal (I believe).

While the ball is in play I do a good job at watching and cheering them on. It is in the down time I need entertainment. I sit alone and often times my anxiety is heightened while at the games so having my phone is more of a comfort than a distraction. That’s not an excuse but I will attempt this mini goal next go-round, in April.

How did I do for an hour no tech when Kid is here? Welp, out of the two weekends she were here we followed through…. drum roll…

Once!! I know, I know.. I’m terrible. I could make excuses but I won’t. It just didn’t happen the way it was supposed too. whoomph whomp 😦

So, that leaves journaling. Out of 31 days, I journaled… 17 times. I had a productive month with making inserts, organizing my studio, and listening to podcasts. I also watched at least 5 Ted Talks and wrote a gratitude list daily (only missing 5 days).

In the photo above you can see where I set smaller goals as well. Exercise and focus mode never made it into my routine.

What Did I Learn?

Sticking to your goals is challenging but not impossible. The difficult part is working them into the routine I have already established. I also learned that while the sub-goals were not necessary, having them gave me options. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. What I do know is I am not quitting.

I will modify February’s goals and make sure to focus on working them in my routine. January was a warm up month getting me use to working toward an end result. While I did not accomplish what I set out to accomplish, I did stay on course (once I looked at what my ultimate goal for the month was).

Maintaining a schedule does not happen over night. I will go out on a ledge and say that it takes at least three months to find your rthymn. Although my plans did not pan out, learning about myself has been abundant. Trusting my intution has come easy and less scary. I have decided to switch my shifts up at work in a last ditch effort to stay there. If this doesn’t work I will be doing some job hunting in February. We shall see.


All in all the month revealed unhealthy patterns giving me insight on my behaviors. I am keeping a running list to have to discuss with a therapist. Meanwhile I will keep doing what I am doing which involves doing the next right thing. I ask for understanding and patience for the month of February from myself for myself. I am taking big steps toward healing and must remain kind to myself.

Today I was blindsided with a “view”, flashback, of who I was roughly 15 years ago and tears streamed down my face. I was a shell of a person. This seems significant for me to recognize. Why? Not so sure but I allowed myself to feel what came with it and the result was an overwhelming sadness followed by a sense of pride for how far I’ve come. I still have a long road ahead of me but as for today, I am at peace with who I am.

How was your January?

Keep your head up ~ love,

2019: 52 Week List Challenge

Oops!

Yesterday was Monday and it slipped my mind to post this week’s list!! Like, it literally never crossed my mind. Not once. I apologize if any of you were waiting and I hope you were not holding your breath! Without further ado, week four’s list…


Week Four – 52 Week List Challenge

List the things that get you out of your head

Take action: Plan an hour or two this week to do one or a few of these things that put your mind at peace.

2019 Challenge-Revenge of Eve

Don’t Forget:

  • First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  • Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  • Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  • And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

Last weeks list was better than the week before.

On my list of things I am really good at, I listed 7 things. I wouldn’t say I am really good at anything per se but I do these well:

  • Bartend
  • Wait tables
  • write
  • observation
  • Uno (card game lol)
  • I have good hand-eye coordination
  • connecting with children

Of all of these, there is only one that I would say comes naturally and that is my connection with kids. I have always loved children and find them much easier to deal with compared to their adult counterparts. Writing comes easy, however, I can see how it has improved with practice.

How about you? What things are you naturally good at?

I plan to do all in my power to have a reflective week. For nearly three week’s things were off track. I am not going to let that get me down. I started the reorganizing of my studio and plan to complete it this week. I found that having my personal materials in with the materials I use for selling items I get distracted from the task at hand. I have separated 80% of it and love the way it is coming together, so much so, you can expect a post on it soon.

I hope everyone has a good week! Toodles ~

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Tapping In

Purpose

When I hear the word purpose, I associate it with an action. I believe to find one’s purpose is to be of assistance to another albeit mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially. In search of myself, I have made it my purpose to open up to the possibilities of who I am and will become.


Tapping In-Revenge of Eve

This for me means trusting energy. Accepting I have a gifted sense of energy that surrounds me. In order for me to be of service to others, it is vital that I tap into ways of surpassing fear. Having such a gift can be controversial to some yet healing and helpful for others. Right now my purpose sits in solitude waiting for my approval and daily I am witness to this charming gift. Theses energies fill a space in my body.

Sensorly, particular areas will heighten in the presence of certain energies and some are subtle nudges that say in a meek tone, I’m here. Sometimes it is a feeling and other times it comes to me in words.

I am learning what these energies represent. They all show up different. From an extremely young age, I’ve known when I am in the presence of a molester or woman abuser (I was able to identify the energy when I was in high school). The way they transmit their energy feels to same to me. Believe me when I say, they know I know.

Talking about this is scary and I can see why I wanted to drown it with the bottle or numb it with other substances. Like mental illness, describing it is an uphill battle and one not socially accepted therefore creating an ignorance.

A few days ago I commented on the energy of two girls. I didn’t want to offend them because they both already know how I feel about them and although I pointed out the shift, I didn’t tell them I have finally concluded what that exact energy represents. It’s shadiness. You know like a snake. Sneaky. It has a few names but it feels the same. A dead heavy weight felt in my stomach and like a ball in my throat.

At the moment I felt this, it was almost as everything stopped and was in slow motion. Kind of like giving me time to process and associate. And then as though someone had hit the rewind button we were all standing there. All I could say was…whoa. Did y’all feel that?


No Worries

Undoubtedly, this is something I rarely discuss and doing so leaves me vulnerable and questioning if I am doing the right thing. No, I am not manic, no I am not drunk and yes I am nervous sharing this with my readers. Personally, I believe each of us is gifted in the sense of feeling surrounding energy but the way we process it is different. Some chose to ignore it altogether and I can’t blame them. For myself, it’s too much to let slide.

Accepting this as a part of who I am isn’t a recent phenomenon. I have done everything in my wheelhouse, unhealthy and healthy, to prevent myself from these feelings. I have opened up about this more in the last year with those closest to me. To them, this is another part of my weirdness. But it is more than a part of who I am. It is the part I have mostly tried to hide, drown and bury.

A lot of these attribute to being an empath as does the draining I experience in large crowds and the required solitude. Is it possible all empath’s are energy sensitive?


Stay

Please don’t read this and run for the hills. I am not changing my blog’s focus to crystal healing and contacting spirits but what I am doing is following a path that has seemed to be beaten down right before my very eyes. Each day that I have allowed myself to be receptive, I have received valuable insight into who I am and why I do or have done the things I’ve done.

Before I would not see the correlation rather internally fall to the belief that I am inherently bad or a mistake. I am not finding excuses, I am finding patterns and habits that with time and dedication can be unlearned and broken.

I have been given fresh eyes to see a tattered story that was fueled by fear and lies. One day at a time, I will continue along this journey, keeping it simple and allowing myself to be open to the direction I am taken in. Without resistance.

An Update

Currently

I have entered a phase in my blogging career that I have not dealt with. Writing a post feels forced. It hasn’t come naturally in the last two weeks.


Since purchasing my domain I have been trying to develop, more or less, my writer’s voice. In relation to my most well-received posts, it is my personal posts that I receive the most responses. I attribute this to my loyal followers that share a genuine concern about my well being.

When I refer to developing my voice I am speaking in terms of not using the word I and also offering solutions to my reader’s problems. The only problem I am finding is my own. The one where I do not have a solution for others rather advice on what not to do.

This has brought me to a crossroad. 2019 is the year I discover who I am and I am finding blogging, in a form other than personal, is conflicting with my discovery. I find myself putting unnecessary pressure to present my material in a way that isn’t true to my style.

How ironic is that? While trying to love myself I continue trying to not be myself. It is showing up in different areas of my life. I read this great article that allowed me to see that while we may be focusing on one thing we may, in fact, be doing the opposite of that and become worse at it. Once I read this I completely related. To all of it.

I made it a point to not set any blogging goals for the year and as a way of distraction, I am trying to take on a new voice. That’s terrible and I am so glad I caught it when I did. Other things besides the rejection have shown up recently. I’m sure once those come full circle I will share.

I made it through a trying time of self-doubt and comparison and I have no doubt I will make it through this phase. I am happy to have been shown and more happy to have been open to receiving. I had no idea that all I asked for would just magically appear. The signs are there and it is up to me to pay attention. I will never improve if I do not seek the lesson in my pain.

Once again I do not know where to start but I will start by adding this to my list of things to work through with a counselor. I can easily be distracted by the problems of others but in 2019 I won’t be having it. All I want is to be a better person, whole and proud.

I have many great topics that I want to discuss but I am adding them to a list as well for a time when I can dedicate to doing them justice.

This weekend was a rough one with my daughter. She experienced her first full-on panic attack, at school. Immediately my protective nature kicked and I became offended because she didn’t contact me.

While I want to be there for her I am learning that unlike me, she has developed her coping skills. The sad truth is, she is more emotionally mature than I am. I am not ashamed of that. That’s life. Our life. We argued a little as teenage girls and their mother (who act like a teenager) do. I’m working on that too! One at a time! 😂

Something I am trying to do differently is to be easier on myself. I’ve shared that I internalize criticism and hold on to things said in an unhealthy manner. This leads to toxic self-talk which gets me nowhere. The idea that perfection exists is slowly but surely being smashed as I breeze through my days. Some days are better than others but for the most part, I have turned to laughter when I make a mistake. I laugh at myself and evaluate where I can make a change.

I find I need to set up a more organized system for this journey of self-discovery. My lists are in whichever notebook I can find at the moment. I will take today and use it to bring any list together and find them a home in one place. The year is only in its first month and I haven’t fallen behind on any task but getting a grip on any organizing will benefit me in the long run.

My main goal this week is to have a photo shoot with the products I have ready for sale. That was supposed to happen Saturday but due to a scheduling conflict, it didn’t happen. That about rounds it up. My life update in a pretty red bow. Do you have any go-to remedies when you feel as though you have nothing worthy of sharing? Do you laugh at your mistakes instead of beating yourself up? Am I doing anything right?


Let’s chat in the comments. I am taking any and all suggestions on how I can improve this self-discovery journey. Any books you would suggest that had life-changing effects, drop ’em in the comments.

2019: Week Challenge Week 3

Hey, Hey! I hope this post finds you all doing well. I had an interesting week, to say the least. Laying low more than normal and I am ight with that. How about you? Busy, lazy, peaceful??? I will share about my week in a post following this one. Make sure to check it out 🙂

Last week’s list wasn’t my favorite which left me with a blah list. I have a routine and because I am ocd, I love it, all of it. Yes, at the moment, I do not like it at all (my schedule is changing with my life) but it is becoming more and more apparent that I need to change it up. I will.

But on to this week’s list… Lol


52 Lists for Happiness

2019 Challenge-Revenge of Eve
Join us? You can catch the first list and second list

List the things that you are really good at

Take action: Underline the things that you had to work for to become good at it, and circle the things you feel come naturally to you. Do any of these things overlap? Just like happiness, it’s already within you. It just takes practice to experience daily.

Follow the following if you decide to create a post about making your list.

  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

The take action part of this week’s list caught my attention. I don’t generally consider myself good at much but there are a few things I can come up with. It will be neat to see if they intersect or overlap. And which I feel I am a natural at or required practice. Hmmmm We’ll see what I come up with. If you join in, share with me or not. If this isn’t something you enjoy doing I understand sitting this one out. But it’s going on for a year so you may find you’d like to join in. Do not rule it out! 😉

I haven’t said this in a while but Thank you for being a wonderful community of support and encouragement. I am not nearly as active as I have been for the last 18 months but I still know who my loyal followers are and your presence in my life means a lot. I realize the importance of stepping away and looking out for myself and I know you welcome me back any time with open arms so again, THANK YOU.

Chow,

Who is Candace Lynne??

2019: 52 Week Challenge Week Two

Hey ladies and gents. I am looking forward to change weeks and let last week go! It was a rough one for me. I hope everything went well for all of you.

Week Two- Revenge of Eve

If you are just joining us, you have made it in perfect time. We are only on week two! What is the challenge? Well as part of my learning to love myself process, I purchased a book that is guided and geared towards finding your happiness through lists. Now I know that happiness is fleeting and it will take much more than creating lists to find it, But I am hopeful that every little bit helps.


Week Two- Revenge of Eve

52 Week Challenge: Week Two

List the routines in your personal life and work

Take Action: Circle all of the routines that bring you joy, and cross out all the routines you dislike. What is it about the circled routines that bring you joy?


  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

Last week we were instructed to list the things that make us happy, right now. In the beginning of the week I had very few listed. As I went throughout my week I began to notice things that made me smile. I would go back to my list and add them, giving me a total of 14 things that make me happy.

  • Writing/blogging
  • collecting paper
  • Kid’s smile
  • Stickers
  • my site
  • shopping
  • creating artwork
  • watercolor painting
  • mobility
  • sunshine
  • dreaming
  • music
  • J baby, my pup
  • My niece and nephew
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
A Love Affair with Rejection-Revenge of Eve
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve