Back on Track

Personal Growth & Goals

Distracted

We all know how easily I can be distracted and I have been so for a month. Squirrel. Lol. But no, really. And omg how huge this day is???!!! I can honestly see that I am growing.

I won’t fool you and say the decision was mine because it wasn’t but what I can say is, I felt the sadness of it, and let it go. No obsessing, no fighting it, no harassing, no embarrassment, no shame, no regret…just acceptance. Wow!! Fuck’n WOW!!!

Wow. It’s a beautiful thing. To be able to speak on the things you feel in the moment but to also let go of those things because they are now in the past…even if it was an hour ago, it’s gone. The sadness I feel is because I have to leave the broken behind to save myself. But I will never truly let go of those whom I wish to rescue from themselves and so I’ll improve myself in hopes of them seeing the potential presence has. The peace it offers. The pain it relieves. The love it has.

The pure essence of it is at its core is an amazing concept and one I find my soul grasping onto for its own survival. A warrior I am and a slave I have been but I’ve felt the release acceptance brings and I refuse to let that go. That belongs to me – within me. Embedded in my soul. It is my soul.

It is for everyone, not only me and if you embrace it, you will see. You too are worthy. Set yourself free and just BE.


If you are reading this know that you are witnessing its power. I am changing. It is changing me. I am allowing it and fuck is it scary but so fuck’n worth it!!!

(6.23.19)

* If you are reading this, thank you, Chris. Your respect and faith in me has given me strength. *

An Update On Life

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

Revenge of Eve

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.


❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

Revenge of Eve

revenge of eve-letter143

6.2.19

Personal Growth & Goals

The first week of summer comes to an end today and I must say it has been enjoyable. The quality time spent with my daughter is priceless and watching her develop a work ethic is admirable. Everything went as smooth as possible and I look forward to the next week she is here. We have a goal set to work toward as a reward for our hard work. We will reap its benefits early October and it will be a memory making time to be had. I look forward to it.

Things with myself are taking a turn for the better as I have opened myself to the possibilities of living not existing. I see positive changes on the horizon and even a possibility for happiness – one that I’ve never had.

Today I love the person I am becoming and I have faith in her and her ideas.

A Glimpse of the Light

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Beginning

I am beginning to notice the closer I inch towards peace, the pain tries to pull me back.

The teen I became screams from within. She feels deep rejection when I shove her back down. I’ve not ever tried to hide her but she is only seen if I allow. She craves the attention of a boy. But that has gotten her nowhere. I love her yet must let her lie. And with her… my attraction to rejection must die.

I am not ashamed of her. I do not blame her. I want nothing more than for her to grow but…I must let her go. She tugs from within begging to roam free. But she doesn’t realize she was constructed out of necessity. No longer is she my priority. I seek the youngest of me.

She who was first in line. First to be criticized. Ostracized. Demoralized. Characterized and cast aside. It is her the layers protect. Finding and loving her is my life’s project. Hidden beneath the ashes of self-hate, guilt, shame, confusion, rejection…she wait. An innocence and forgiveness is all she has to offer for she knew no better.

I do not want to part with who I chose to become, without them, I’d never made it this far. I wish to respect and love all of me. Just because. If only others who have no choice but to be in my life (temporarily – one year count down began in February) could just lay them to rest, I can reach my best. But…what a shame. Belittling me to elevate yourself stands for nothing-surely no gain. It doesn’t work that way. A one-sided battle is being fought. I surrendered so long ago.

I can only imagine, that at my best, I pose a threat.

A woman awaits to emerge. She’s kind and gentle yet firm in her boundaries. She finds acceptance in peace. She refuses to play guilty or the victim role. She knows that who she is is enough. Her story is full mistakes that caused pain for her to share wisdom only experience can obtain. Accept her or walk away.

A healthy version of myself is someone I have not met. The great thing about her is that I place no limits nor do I have expectations set.

So You Know (S.Y.K.)

Personal Growth & Goals

S.Y.K.

So You Know is a weekly series of random questions meant to give the reader insight into the blogger behind the screen. Participation is easy!! Just answer a few or all of the questions below in the comment section or publish your own post. Don’t forget to pingback to this weeks post so I can check out your answers.

See? Easy, peasy!!

So You Know- Revenge of Eve
So You Know
– Not sure how to create a pingback link? That’s okay!! Chat with me and I’ll walk you through it –

This Week’s Questions

  • How long have you blogged? What is the anniversary?
  • What was your original purpose for beginning a blog?
  • Did you research about blogging before establishing your own?
  • Has your purpose evolved or changed directions? If so, what was the determining factor for the change?
  • What determines your measure of success as far as blogging is concerned?

My answers to last week’s S.Y.K.

  1. Do you see a therapist? If so, how does doing so influence your life? I have recently began seeing a therapist, again. My track record with them has been 2 for 5..and I am on the 2 of the five. This is my time seeing a therapist in private practice. All of the one’s prior have been in a clinic setting and were seen on an emergency basis. I was in crisis when I search for therapist who takes my insurance and I am extremely lucky to have clicked on the one I did. We have only had one session but I already know she’s the one for me. She was sent to me for sure!!! Not sure why but I’ve never disclosed all of my “ugly” to my therapist and yet when I sat with her, it all came gushing out. Even the things I’ve not ever said. For the times that I’ve had success with my therapist, the impact has been rewarding and validating.
  2. What is your favorite part of adulthood? Your least favorite (besides bills)? I suppose the only joy in adulthood for myself is being able to say that I am an adult although I do not feel like one. The freedom of it is nice but the extent in which I feel free is limited because I live with my Ma. It is only recently that I’ve began respecting her home as a place to live. Previously I treated it as a hotel of sorts. I would stay out with friends all night only coming here to shower. I have lived with her and my sister off and on my entire life yet I never “lived” with them. I never fully unpacked my belongings or stayed around long enough to have family time. I would come and go with my hours of operation opposite of theirs. During the school year my hours would be more predictable due to being on my daughter’s schedule.
  3. Are the government officials of your country trustworthy? I pled the fifth. I have no opinions when it comes to politics but I will say Louisiana is known for its crooked politicians.
  4. How important, scale of 1-10, are leprechauns in the evolution of humans? 1-of least importance 10-required Being that I am a second generation immigrant, my dad is from Belfast, I would say 10. Without those wee fellas I am afraid there would be no me!!

5.18.19

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Presence Presents

Acceptance is just that.

Accept.

Repeat.

The present moment offers dreams.

Answers to questions to unsolved curiosities are found.

The presence of love can be found.

An alternate perception is had.

A flower’s scent is sensed.

An airplane heard.

A baby soothed.

Growth from within felt.

Positive energy flows.

Consciousness you’ll know.

Awareness is experienced on a whole new level.

A wholeness is felt.

A oneness seems possible.

Hope is restored.


On this full moon’s night my mind, of course, takes flight. Resembling a warrior fighting their toughest of fights, I stay present with all my might. Moments of times past try to haunt my efforts of remaining present and so I fight. I smell the scent of the flowers, I feel the breeze from the storm that is rolling in. The goosebumps take over my skin with each lightning strike. Tonight these moments give me hope. A hope that wavers with each passing second. A hope that holds tight and reminds me what it is I love about full moons night.

Revenge of Eve

To my only child:

We share the same moon and when you look at it know that I look at it too. No matter the distance that is in between, together forever we will be. Despite the wedge those drive between our bond, the universe knows where each of us belongs. My heart sings only one song. It is that of a mom who wants only the best yet who stands buried by life’s test. I know in my heart the moon cleanses the rest. My sincerest love is all I have to give, this I confess. Momma loves you although times are stressed and I hope you realize such with the energy of tonight’s full moon that my love for you never rests. – Momma loves you Luce ❤

S.Y.K

Personal Growth & Goals
Revenge of Eve

Guess what today is…..

It’s MONDAY!!! YAY

And the crowd goes wild..

Hopefully, you’ve realized such because, by the time this post is published, the work day will be ending 🙂

It’s none other than you know who – Candace – here for your weekly dose of So You Know. Never participated? Never fear, the guidelines are posted each week. Ready? Ok, good… Here we go…

  • Every Monday I will ask 1-5 questions.
  • You can answer all or just a few
  • Topics range from surface, general topics all the way to in-depth personal topics.
  • To participate you can either answer in the comment section below or create a post on your site and link back to the week’s S.Y.K. post. Don’t know how to link back? Chat with me and I’ll explain how.
  • Last but certainly not least – be honest!

The purpose of S.Y.K. is to give your readers insight to the person behind the blog ❤

As for my answers… you will find my answers below the week’s questions from the previous week’s questions.

Easy enough, right?!



  1. Do you see a therapist? If so, how does doing so influence your life?
  2. What is your favorite part of adulthood? Your least favorite (besides bills)?
  3. Are the government officials of your country trustworthy?
  4. How important, scale of 1-10, are leprechauns in the evolution of humans? 1-of least importance 10-required

That’s all of this weeks version of So You Know and below are my answers from last weeks questions. * read with caution – trigger warning – talk of suicide

How was your weekend? Honestly. I am writing this the same day last weeks so you know goes live and my weekend has been hell. I came close to committing suicide, I….realized the truth in the saying “we are not our thoughts” and it has impacted me.

Describe the clothes you are wearing now. Is this your normal Monday attire? My normal Monday attire is the most comfortable, stay at home and relax type of outfit imaginable.

Revenge of Eve

Do you work a 9-5 job? No, I do not. I work the weekends, holidays, and early in the morning. On average I have two/three days off a week. My job is physically demanding and is reaching the point that I prepare to change careers.

Who do you look like, your Ma or your dad? My dad. Blah.

Letter143-Revenge of Eve

4.27.19

Personal Growth & Goals
revenge of eve

Today

I’m on one

In a mood

High strung

Pumped

Sensory overload

Discombobulated

Focus

I say

out loud

throughout the day

My body temperature is higher than normal

Outside the sun shines and a fragrant breeze blows

Just yesterday I was on the

other side

As i learn

to breathe,

I set aside my pride

Shutting down the chatter

Because…

Only this moment

Matter.

On Awakening (I pathetically beg you to read)

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

The Shift

I must let it be known to anyone who is ready for an awakening within themselves or the world, it’s happening in me and it is painful! If you are on a spiritual journey of any kind you have most likely heard of Eckard Tolle and if you haven’t heard of him, you have got to look him up!!

(Click his name above to be directed and discover the purpose of his foundation)


2019

I claimed 2019 to be the year of self-discovery and I had NO idea what I was in for! None, zilch, notta. The pessimist in me prepares for the worse but the journey I am being led down has me experiencing a hurt for the world in our current state of existence. The suffering and pain I am feeling may prove too much to bear.

My assumption was that I would experience sadness from revisiting painful moments that I never allowed myself to fully feel yet I am feeling so much more. Everything I was taught and all I thought about life is being challenged by the spiritual teachings of Eckard Tolle. And I don’t mean challenged as in an argument, I mean for the greater good. The weight of emotions I am feeling I attribute to the pain and suffering being experienced as a collective whole.

At this point, I don’t care if I sound crazy, I have to share so others have the opportunity to tune in. For those who question any belief outside of religion and even those who do not, anyone soul searching, agnostics, atheists, average folks…everyone!! This information is for US and it is in your best interest to take advantage of being taught about the shift happening. It is hard to conceptualize the extent to which things are discussed but I feel his words with every fiber of my being. You will too. Just listen. Don’t think, don’t resist, don’t judge, but don’t say I don’t warn you about the difficult realizations you will have.

This isn’t a scam to get you to follow a person and his beliefs, this is the way back to our true selves. He goes in depth about ego, our idea of God, our brains, our consciousness, and more. You don’t have to be intelligent or rich or white or any of that bullshit for this information to impact you.

Revenge of Eve

Stop making that face! Have faith!

This isn’t some new modern shit that will fade away rather a shift that must happen in order for us as a species to continue moving forward and it’s happening whether we like it or not.

People use the term millennial to disguise the first generation the shift has impacted in a blanketed fashion. Older generations are doubtful because it puts everything they were taught and taught in the spotlight as wrong (language..more on that) but this isn’t about being right or wrong, this is about healing as a whole. Believe me, I’m the last one to advocate for our species because in my opinion, we are fucked and we did it to ourselves. This approach is much kinder.

There are no fees, no membership, and no, it isn’t witchcraft or a cult nor is it a belief system that threatens you to flames, condemning you to hell on the basis of decision. This is a legit explanation, to the extent, our minds can conceptualize, as far as our existence in the human form is concerned.

Naturally, some will want to challenge this notion but the catch is your words may spew challenges but if you live by this teaching, there is no denying the truth behind it. Not one person can do as suggested and prove error.

That’s a bold statement especially for someone like myself. I don’t just believe what I am told. I am doer, a leader, and a woman who has experienced pain and grief to the extent of losing my sanity.

Adaptation

We developed words to guide us in communicating and somewhere along these lines we began to use these words to define who we are, what we are supposed to do according to these roles, and that’s where we went wrong. The language of love is all we need and because of a language we developed, we couldn’t be any further from our original being. We use words and labels to define our surrounding and in terms of what’s right and what is wrong, this is right. How do I know? I don’t know. It’s a feeling. I’ve never felt so right in my life. Another huge statement!

I am using terms we are familiar with that describe what it is that is happening within me. I am not saying you are wrong in your beliefs. I am speaking from my perspective but I challenge you to make it yours. Process it how you will but take the action it takes to implement the suggestions.

What really convinces me of this theory is the fact there is no insult to other opinions in order to put emphasis on this way of operating. There are no side effects other than tears and a bit of confusion but compared to the ones Big Pharma would have us all on, that’s nothing!! And these are second to the feelings I have about this….and you all know, I NEVER TRUST MYSELF. My intuition has spiked off the charts as though my inner child is pushing me to be set free. If I’ve never trusted myself before, I do now.

Normally I would be hesitant to share anything that goes against the grain and this doesn’t even do that!!! All you are required to do is be present, sit with your emotions as they occur, and move on with the next minute. Don’t get me wrong, those simple ideas are hard to do when our world screams instant, now, immediate, fix, cure, solve and even better…the promise of happiness. Never one time does he use words to make promises or glorify the end result. Why? Because it speaks for itself.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice I require used to require words for others to understand me and I revoke each and every time I thought or said so. I do not need to be defined. I am. It is our very words that are causing us to melt. This makes total sense of the decline in mental health.

As I explore the present moment I truly realize it is all we have. Saying so and knowing so are two different things. My journey has only begun but I have hope whereas I hadn’t prior to discovering Eckard Tolle. I share this information with y’all because I know we all struggle most especially within the mental health community and I will promote this until my last breath.

I share because I care! Give it a chance…you have nothing to lose!! And if you do, make sure you pass on what his teachings have done for you.

Revenge of Eve

Ps. When you read or listen to the teaching PLEASE pingback to this post or email me and let me know you have done so…I would LOVE to hear what it does for others. If you have Spotify you can be taught this on Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast. The name of the episodes is called A New Earth. There are 10 episodes each an hour long. Use the hashtag #daretoshare