revengeofeve

Big Things Are Happening

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals, R.O.E. Need To Know

‘Ello Guys, Gals, & Critters

I must admit, I am experiencing feelings of guilt for enjoying my unintentional leave of absence from the blogosphere. Other than brief clicks on the app logo, from my phone, I have avoided the internet all together. I haven’t even scrolled here on WordPress in quite some time and if I had, it were only a few thumb pushes up, however, I was lucky enough to catch Ashley’s book launch (a few days late :/) long enough to comment on my admiration for the new Mental Health @ Home website. Ash is mov’n and shak’n 🙂 Make sure you check out her new digital store full of premium mental health content and purchase Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis, her newest release.

“With the fusion of diagnostic information, clinical experience, and lived experience, this book offers a unique, well-rounded perspective on the reality of mental illness.

Ashley Peterson

Myself and other mental health bloggers contributed our personal experiences with mental illness diagnosis to coincide or collide with the information written as criteria in the DSM-5. A brilliant idea, if you ask me. Ashley is offering a digital version ( link above) from the MH@H store but a paperback version is available for purchase on Amazon. This post is in support of my blogging buddy but more so I am bragging on my friends continued growth and dedication to helping others understand their own diagnosis through translating medical terminology into digestible bits of information. Her doing so helps the mental health community with empowering information for one to be oneself advocate and if you ask me, that’s huge!!


In other news…

Speaking of huge… Google has launched a new website in support of those with substance abuse disorders called Recover Together!! The initiative promotes changing the terminology we use in accordance with substance abuse to further assist in destigmatizing. It doesn’t stop there, nooooo…Recover Together provides resources, community, and an interactive map highlighting recovery groups throughout each state in the United States. Among these resources, a link to Recovery Research Institute is provided to support the change in the way we speak. The website must employ a genius who has coined and provided an Addictionary; trademarked as an “addictionary” defining terms associated with addiction and recovery.

“If we want addiction destigmatized,
we need a language that’s unified.

The words we use matter. Caution needs to be taken, especially when the disorders concerned are heavily stigmatized as substance use disorders are”

Recovery Research Institute

How amazing is all of this, y’all???!!!!

An article written on The Verge claims that, “Even if the site is partially (or even mostly) meant as a PR move to make up for how badly it let itself get gamed by scammers in 2017, it still seems like a good starting point for people looking for help with addiction. It’s certainly more useful than a Google search for “rehab,” which as of this writing puts three or four ads at the top before the actual search results.”. The article writer also suggests, “Google’s new launch is in honor of the 30th annual National Recovery Month“.

Whatever the motivation, I am in full support of the initiative behind Google’s Recover Together website and I believe that targeting the way we speak as the perfect start toward monumental change.


In Local News

Many of you can attest that the exact conversation has been cycling through our very own WordPress mental health community for some time but to see the giant, that is Google, endorsing a similar campaign, gives me hope. Hope as a mother, who struggles daily with symptoms associated with co-occurring disorders, of a society equipped with knowledge. Not media headline grabbing misinformation. And with that, I bring this to a close but…not without getting to this posts’ purpose..!!… What’s that, you ask?

The purpose of this post is to acknowledge our the mental health community. Despite adversity, stigma, personal set backs, and media misinformation, WE show up, encourage and support one another using whatever means necessary. We expose ourselves and share our shortcomings. We share our darkest of thought and deepest of pain and we do so with ONE purpose …

So others know they are not alone.

We have emerged from the outskirts of normal to the front lines of battle and we have done so together. That my #fellowfighter deserves an explosive ball of gold glitter accompanied by annoying sound mechanisms and of course, cupcakes.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Because of us, individually and collectively, the march has begun. Give yourself a little credit and splurge on yourself today ~ from me to you, a virtual tight squeeze but not before I personally thank each of you for being strong during the storms life has thrown at you. Your resilience is motivating. But I say now its time to hold on tight because a #mentalmovement is underway and you my friend have contributed to laying the foundation. Thank You. Thank You for all of your efforts. They do not go unseen.

Please keep shining your light.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Hey, pppsssstttt! Down here…use the hashtags #fellowfighter and #mentalmovement when you are sharing your story or daily experience with all that is associated with mental health, on all of your platforms. What does doing so do?…This allows us to reserve a nook in the spacious world-wide web where we can be found by simply entering the hashtag into Googles search engine. What began as a Twitter trend actually morphed into an pretty amazing tool. Let our army be found 🙂 #mentalmovement #fellowfighter #unitedwestandproud

Blooming at 40?? Yup! 🙂

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Before I begin, can someone please tell me how to center the text on the mobile app with the new editor? I suppose I am just realizing how much I use my phone for blogging and not being able to center the text has nerved me to no end!! And has stopped me from posting on more than a few occasions.


Brief

Maybe you have noticed, maybe not…but things have been the quietest they have ever been around here. There isn’t any particular reason but life has decided there are more things to confront, heal, and process than I had originally speculated. Will I allow it to break me? I’d prefer to let it shape me but that doesn’t go to say it’s easy. If there are two things I have learned about all of this self-improvement shit, it’s that hard realities must be faced with honesty and patience is required throughout all of it.

Patience

When 2019 arrived I made it my mission to forgive those who I felt have wronged me in a way that continues to impact my life. I don’t hold resentments over petty things so my list of those to forgive is short. So short in fact, I had moved through half of that list in the first month by forgiving one person!! Well, technically there is no half to three…there is but I should say there is no half of a person. Lol. However you want to look at it, my list consists of three people. One of those being myself.

Unbeknownst to me, the order I had planned to do the forgiving in, least impactful to most, didn’t go as planned. This is where patience plays a vital role. I’ve realized life unfolds on its own terms and if I encounter resistance its because that isn’t the time for things to unfold. At the beginning of all of this, I found myself trying to force one thing only for another to prevail. Instead of pushing back on my plan, I let go of the reigns and decided it would go much more smoothly if I invested myself in the things that were showing up, in no particular order. I’m not a fan of surprises but let’s just say it has been interesting.

Get the insider scoop – subscribe to theGarden

Hard realities and honesty

Being that I have a history with substance abuse, it is a given I will be reminded of things I did that hurt others. Of course, this was never my intention but so the story goes. Alcohol became the filter remover I thought I needed to heal and accept myself but the reality is I spewed some ugly, hurtful words to those who truly matter.

Many of you can attest that I have been at a standstill in my growth/recovery for quite some time. This was the most aggravating phase but it was because I had a vision of how I imagined things to go. I didn’t realize in order for the big things to surface, I had a million little things that lead up to them.

I kept searching and yet there it was, right under my fuck’n nose. I asked and would receive but the truth is…I wasn’t listening. But believe me, I hear it all clearly now. This has been the push I needed. Forcing me to connect with myself on a deeper level (is that even possible?). I’m here to say and as a witness we can always improve but instead of beating ourselves up over it, if we allow it, it comes and goes. The weight that is lifted is much greater than the pain.

The growth that has happened here was made apparent in the way the universe presented it. There’s no way I could’ve missed it. And if you wanna know the truth, it humbled me, shattered my heart, and taught me a huge message about judgment. I am still smoldering and so, I am still a bit sensitive. I am learning to do things different and I may fail but that’s ok. I will never know success until I’ve tasted failure.

Baby steps.

I’m taking baby steps.

And while I tiptoe my way through the last few months of the year, I am going to continue seeking what I desire from within. I’ve accepted this is life and with every step forward, there is the possibility of a step backward…but I think I’ll work on my perspective, and maybe, just maybe, I will find peace just from taking the next right step.

revenge of eve-letter143

8.5.19

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?

Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.

You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.

Officially…

Personal Growth & Goals

It is Official

It is the last weekend of summer vacation, for the last time 🙁

My daughter starts her senior year in five days!! Wow! It hasn’t quite registered that 13 years of schooling will soon come to an end but waking this morning the thought hit me.

I mean we look forward to these days, right? I have almost made the decision to leave this area when my daughter graduates and writing this makes it seem as though I need to make the decision. Not permanently rather explore and be wowed. I need to stand on the edge of a volcano, next to a waterfall, or count the stars from the desert. I am restless. Bored and starved of inspiration.

Official Revenge of Eve

But before I think about any of that, I must make sure to take each day, from the first day of school to the last, to be present with my daughter. Recovery is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t give back the days you lost while actively using. I knew when I had my daughter that she was it for me and instead of absorbing every milestone, we cheered and moved on to the next. Accomplishment after accomplishment checked off making each a distant memory. There are things I wish I had made a bigger deal and of course, the opposite is true. My goddaughter starts kindergarten this year and that really brings all of this into perspective. My child will soon (February) be an official adult.

She has always been treated as a person, never a child and that makes me wonder if that was the right approach. How much of a childhood did she really have? Does she appreciate that we’ve always respected her as an individual? Should we have done more to make sure she wasn’t too mature?

There are so many unanswered questions but from looking at the way she carries herself, presents herself, makes decisions, and respects herself, I must say, we (our family village), did some things right. Sure she is a little lazy, some days entitled, and other days moody but for the most part, she’s a decent, kind, compassionate, and persistent young lady.

But annnnywayyyys!

I finally got around to editing my site icon. Whatcha think about? Personally, I’m dig’n it.

I will end this note with please be kind to yourself today. You deserve the finest pleasures and joy just as much as the next guy. I love you and really, that’s enough for a few people!!

Be Kind to Yourself

The Same Lesson. Over, and Over, and…

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Yesterday was departure day and…


The photography featured in this post is strictly prohibited from use.


For our last night we pulled together as a team and gathered most everything, separated things into individual piles so things found there way home with the correct owner and just like that, it was morning. I must say this time I realized a few things.

A photo of our campsite and a small inlet- Revenge of Eve

Our campsite set up

A. I prepare too much food.

B. There is a such thing as too many bags.

C. Teens are still cool without there heads tucked into phone screens.

D. If I come back to this location, which I won’t, request the site that’s at the bottom of the bathroom hill.

E. A three bedroom tent that pops up easy doesn’t make it easy to get back in it’s portable bag with wheels.

F. I am great with empowering speeches but the action that is supposed to follow the speech…what’s that?

G. It is impossible to make four people happy. You can accommodate in every way you imagine but being that we cannot be another, we will miss something.

H. I don’t know how to relax.

I. My full out camping days are over. I may venture on some solo trips but as far as preparing for, maintaining the campsite, setting up and breaking down – no more. It’s too much to be considered a vacation.

I learned a lot this trip and accept it for what it is. I will continue to do the things that once brought me immense joy as an experiment phase before I venture into more thrilling, new adventures.

Revenge of Eve- The beginning of our river float

Rental Tubes and my daughter and her best friend at the start of our 4 hour float

I found it impossible difficult to focus my attention on what it was I wanted to let go of but…I was able to work through other things. For the first time ever I actually saw myself as a worker ant. I am non-stop. When I would recognize my “grouping” of objects, I would verbally tell myself to sit and a few times I would be in a half-sitting position before I’d bounce up (never sitting) to put one last thing where the “kitchen” stuff goes. Yes, at a campsite.


Overall things within myself were hectic. I couldn’t shut down mom mode, I was organizing, preparing for…and, once again, trying force things in my life. My way. Force things to be done my way because it is the logical way BUT here’s the thing, my way isn’t necessarily the right way nor the only way. That is what I took away from this mini-vacay and so it goes, no vacay at all because I was still there trying to anticipate what may happen instead of just allowing things to be. Am I happy this happened? Joyed actually because it gives me a specific place to focus. The exact place I have said all year deserves my attention and that is the present. So I shall continue to just be…well, work to be anyways. I will get there. With persistence, I will arrive.

Photos of myself, my friend, and my child- Revenge of Eve

The back of my daughters head (lol) and myself (L) and my friend Dawn (R)

Currently. Perfect Timing.

Personal Growth & Goals

I sit in solid darkness.

My phone light reflecting off my face.

A campfire to my right, my child in the tent to my left (when I’m outside of the tent), an industrial fan that sit on top a plastic box care of Circle K (common gas station), a waterfall directly behind my right ear, and crickets inside my head. This is the sounds that soothe me.

Comfort me.

Calm me.

Lightening bugs flicker everywhere.

Whispers are heard over the insect sounds.

Teens chuckle as the river flow make a faint crisp sound.

I am in heaven.

My heaven.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in extascy floating on a tube drifting in and out, gazing at cloud patterns, cold, clear, clean water under my ass.

Turtles popping up as fish scurry to the top. Do fish scurry?

Anyways. I feel at peace.

Yes, I am still using technology but it is because everyone else is already asleep. And I did all the damn work!!

Jus kid’n, the 3 of them contributed 25% total. 😂 but I love them still the same. 💟


Oh, yeah. I came here to let some shit go and I’m gonna do just that.

💟

Revenge of Eve

And While It May Be

Personal Growth & Goals

And while this transition may be painful I’ve realized where the struggle lies. I am letting go of the me I built to protect myself, the only me I know. I am learning to control myself. Not the things around me.

Call it 40, or whatever you’d like but I know for me, it’s awkward as fuck. I don’t know if you realize what I just said in that first paragraph but that shit is A LOT for me.!.!!!.!

I am ashamed to be myself and that is the damage done by my father wanting me to be someone I’m not. These revelations are coming to me in waves. And guess what?? I’m not drowning. Maybe I’m floating but so what, I’m aware, learning, growing and giving. I don’t want to resort to being a cold-hearted bitch because that’s not me so I’ve decided to do for those who are unable to do for themselves. Help them to believe in themselves. Give those a chance that others dispose of. I will prevail from this darkness a stronger person than I went in and when I do, I will be ready to be used as the vessel I chose to be.


For the record, I didn’t feel like that was me speaking but with confidence I publish this post. Not as a warning but as a prediction.

today-revenge of Eve

Today

Personal Growth & Goals, R.O.E. Need To Know

Sunny Skies

The heat in Louisiana contributes to or is the root of, my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Despite the temperature of 95 degrees, I dread August, I feel the most like myself today, than I have in three months. That’s a lovely feeling.

I appreciate days like today because I hold onto them. I know there is a way to a better position in life and I hope to achieve that within myself. The battle with me must cease soon because it no longer serves a purpose. It’s time I live to love and relax and stop. Pause. That was one of my words for entering 2019 and I’ve derailed but slowly I shall revive myself from the numbness. As only I can.

I give myself permission to lay in bed for the rest of the day and watch a movie or documentary – like I have done the past two days – without feeling guilty!!!

Catch ya on the flip side

Revenge of Eve
revenge of eve-letter143

7.15.19

Personal Growth & Goals

On my two year blogging anniversary I question, “Can I recover?”.

But I will not ruminate on such thought because I am a warrior. I have no choice but to fight for myself. No one else will.

This too shall pass.

And when it does, I have learned and earned my growth.

That day is worth working towards.

Relationship Curious-Revenge of Eve

Relationship Curious

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Hardly Ever

It isn’t very often that I have something positive to say about the generation that surrounds my daughter and my only true complaint with them is their lack of work ethic. And to be honest, it isn’t every day that anyone of any age impresses me but today, a nineteen year impressed me.

She’s actually impressed me quite a bit over the last three months but I’d hate for her head to get big and so I stay silent. She also just found out my web address so I won’t go into too much detail 😂 here either. But I had to tell her tonight because what she did, I wish I had the courage to have done most of my life.

Choose you-Revenge of Eve

She chose herself. She saw a toxic person for exactly who he is. This is not to say that he is a bad person. He is, however, detrimental for her growth. This also isn’t to say she won’t give him another chance tomorrow and I would never judge her if she did because I am no judge…but…before I go any further…

A brief snapshot of the situation:

  • Young single mother meets an older guy (10-11 years older) who invites her and her 18-month old son to move in bills free {red flag number one} a month into dating.
  • He talks at her, not to her and his opinions are made known.
  • He shows no affection.
  • Dinner is expected.
  • He encourages her son to disobey her.
  • He claimed to be in recovery yet from a photo, I said otherwise.
  • Last night, it became apparent that he must’ve started using again. {She is familiar with addict behavior because her mother is in active recovery and her dad is an active user of the same drug he claimed to not be on}.

Today, we moved her and her son’s belongings out. At that age or perhaps even my current age, I would make excuses for his behavior or secretly consider it a rescue challenge. I would disregard my intuition and stay because I feel that is the type of treatment I deserve. It’s the same toxic pattern that I have repeated in every single relationship I have had – which isn’t many but nonetheless, toxic. From there a stronger attachment is formed (feeding my ego it’s favorite meal…power) because they need me and I must prove so by providing shelter and other luxury accommodations. The given moment my temper flares, I flex my muscles (not literally y’all), tell them to get out and continue to beat a dead horse until it’s decomposed. Fun, right?

If you are lost, I’ll spell it out: I peep his game because I am the club president.

“I’m not only a client, I’m tha play’a President”

Biggie Smalls

I used to think it was them but as I’ve grown, I’ve began to notice my participation in the dance of deceit. And believe me when I say the men in my life that have got the best of me, they were my karma – I strongly believe that and that would attribute to my staying at times. But the joke was on me because, once again with that thought, proves I believed I held the power.

I must also acknowledge myself for being able to confront the patterns and behaviors that aren’t the most glamourous. Now I must move on to the action part.

Awareness, first. Action, second.

Now that I have identified this despicable pattern of weaved yarn, I must take action to not repeat it anymore. 34 years is plenty. That would require leaving the house. Better yet, my studio and I’m not sure what I’d do next with a guy – like how to have a conversation, how to believe them, how to accept their flaws…ugh…definitely not relationship ready but what if I am approaching relationship curious ??