Blogging Blah

Mental Health & Recovery

For no reason at all…

I am complete blah when it comes to anything blog related. Certainly, I’m not alone as I am sure this occurs from time to time. It’s possible that I have too much on my plate or because I am working two jobs again… But I can make any excuse. The reality is I am not feel’n it right now.


I know this is just a phase because my love of writing combined with my need for connection overrides any thoughts of stopping. In fact that never crossed my mind.

If you have followed me for any amount of time, I am sure you have noticed my lack of commitment recently. If you haven’t, it has been on a decline for at least a month. If I really think about it, I lost my momentum after making the decision to stop NYAC. I’ve briefly felt this way before and I hope to regain interest soon but for now, I am just coasting.

I didn’t even open my laptop until 1 a.m.!! I went for almost 24 hours without checking WordPress or reading any post. I believe that is a first since I began blogging. It is times like this that make the decision to go self-hosted difficult.

Some people will tell you that self-hosted is cheaper and way better but after your first year your hosting fee per month doubles if not triples, that does not include the good plug-ins that help operate the backend of your blog, or newer-up-to-date themes. I was told by another blogger that on average if you want to have a successful site, it costs around $500 a year.

If I invested that each year, there would be no breaks nor would I feel ok with taking a step back. You aren’t guaranteed any income and if you don’t get a lot of traffic, you won’t make money.


I’ve had so much going through my head. I have been manic, off and on, for about 4 months now and I fear a gigantic crash. For some reason, my depression happens more so in the summer months than the other times of the year. That’s odd because I love sunshine but maybe it is the heat that does it to me. Idk but I do know I do not want to fall too far from where I am. Such is my reality.

It is this blah-ness towards blogging that has me fearing a fall. I know many of you will suggest medication and I am not against medication, I’m just not ready to get back on ’em so basically, I get what I deserve…

Moving past that, work has been slow and money isn’t what it needs to be. Actually, I am sure that is contributing to why I feel this way and it bothers me that my emotions are attached to monetary gain. I wish I lived in a world where being a good person meant you had no worries.

Looking at my current status as a whole I come to the conclusion that something has to change. The podcasts I listen to are having an enormous impact on me and I know this discomfort has to do with something I am ignoring and until it gains my attention or I seek it, I will remain dissatisfied. It sucks knowing that all of my problems are me. Because of me. That’s it.

Instead of whining about it I will do as suggested and ground myself. Be present – which is so freak’n hard by the way. This human condition is for the birds!!

Much love from me to you!

A Look At What Went Down in February

A Look at What Went Down in Feburary

Mental Health & Recovery

If I had to give you a visual representation of what achieving my goals for February, looked like, this would be it…

There was absolutely zero structure to my month with the exception of a work schedule. I am in desperate need of an assistant or a life coach.  I’ve come to this conclusion as I look about my studio and see millions (not literally) of unfinished projects. 

It feels as though setting any goals for the month never happened but it did.  Not as lofty as January goals and not any really achieved.  I somewhat reminded myself to take a look at what goals I had set mid-month but apparently, I never looked back.  Thankfully I only set one goal for the month and it was to move closer toward my ultimate goal of defining myself.

So…what did I do?

I refuse to beat myself up over maintaining a strict rule in regards to goal setting.  But I will admit I have missed writing a gratitude list each morning and so I begin this again this morning.  For no reason, in particular, I stopped writing one each morning.

I did, however, make an eye appointment.  I will make do with a free pair of glasses that I am offered to receive each year.  Usually, I opt to purchase using the $100 credit but this time I will not go over.  I cannot afford too at the moment.  The last pair I purchased was $300 over the allotted one hundred 😮 They are nice and still in tack.

Last minute I decided to honor my daughter by using the month of February to celebrate her. For all intent and purposes, it went well but I expect to be more prepared for next February.  I will make this a tradition here on R.O.E. and each year I will add a creative touch to it so it isn’t just her life story repeated. 

Surprisingly I struggled with finding the words for a months worth of posts but I made do with a few.  She began her track season this month and has taken a break from soccer.   I think she will benefit from the break.

I introduced a new series this month, Letter143, that I am excited to have launched.  Anytime you see a post titled using the date, it belongs in the Letter143 category.  I have wanted to do something like this for a while so I am excited for it to finally have its place.

The festivities of Mardi Gras are almost over and where I never wanted them to end before, I cannot wait for them to now.  It is mass crowds full of drunks who are looking for a fight.  This used to be my favorite time of year but with my newfound love of solitude, I could do without. 

All in all, February was decent.  I can’t complain.  I have a roof over my head, a job; two actually, food in my belly and love in my heart.   How about you?  How was your second month of 2019? 

A Look At What Went Down in February

Quick Recap of February 2019 Posts

There were more posts than I realized but hands down the most exciting thing to happen were being nominated for a big deal bloggers award.  No one has claimed to have submitted my nomination but I think I may have a good idea who it is ❤

We changed our 2019 Challenge to something more along the lines in ROEland,  S.Y.K. (so you know) with the idea to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers.  It is simple to participate and never will there be more than 5 questions.

You can find all of the S.Y.K posts here:

S.Y.K.

S.Y.K.

Posts to my daughter:

From Conception through Toddler

Daughter

All of My Days

Your Intro into the World

I have already discussed Letter143 and those posts can be found here.

A few random post made their way onto the screen but that about wraps up February, 2019. Easy, Breezy…CoverGirl Easy…bahahahahaha

Peace Out ~

revenge of eve

S.Y.K.

Mental Health & Recovery

2019: Challenge Reeemixxx


Sorry I am posting this so late on this Monday but I woke with a terrible headache which made it difficult to look at a screen. 🙁


So You Know

Hey you fun, question-answering love bugs (don’t ask me..)

You’ve made it back!! I appreciate the participation and I hope your answers give your readers a little more insight into who you are from a non-blogging perspective. Last week we had a pretty good set of questions but not as deep as the first week. This week consists of only one question with two parts.

I like to keep it pretty simple around here and here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion 😉 (double dog dare)

Extra info.

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

Revenge of Eve

Think about this, if you will:

Who are you? And who are you not?

That’s it! I ask that you dig deep. Write a post detailing the things about yourself you would like to be said at your eulogy. Everyone wants to be remembered in a certain way. Are you living a life that you are proud of? And the second part would be the things that you know, wholeheartedly, that you are not.


My Answers to Last Weeks Questions

  1. Do you struggle with your mental health (ie. diagnosed)? Yes. I am diagnosed with occurring illnesses. I am in recovery from alcohol, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and OCD. My symptom is minimal, currently speaking. I went undiagnosed for over 20 years and suffered a great deal from my own decisions. I was diagnosed formally as bipolar in January of 2017 and began medication in September of 2017. You can read the full story here.
  2. What is the most aggravating misconception as it relates to your diagnosis? For me and all of my diagnosis, it would have to be that we look a certain way. I am told more often than not that I do not look like an alcoholic or someone who is bipolar. This confuses me but it does make sense because the media outlets and Hollywood have us portrayed as overdramatic, frantic characters who attack others while pulling our own teeth out (not exactly but pretty close).
  3. Is there a history of mental illness in your immediate family? I consider mother, father, siblings and grandparents immediate family and yes, my maternal grandmother and grandfather were alcoholics and I think my Ma could very well be bipolar and ocd. She hasn’t been formally diagnosed but boy does she has some mood swings! Maybe not bipolar but definitely ocd, in my non-professional opinion.
  4. If you could change the stigma surrounding your diagnosis, how would you go about so? I think the first step would be to stop allowing our media outlets to portray any disorder through visual or verbal description. Next would be on a legislative level and lastly on an educational level. If I knew how to implement it I would have already began so this is where my idea has began and ended.
  5. Do you believe that maintaining our mental wellness will ever rank in importance with maintaining our physical health? Why or why not? In the future, after I am gone, I believe so. The world is rapidly changing and the importance our our mental health has seen a significant increase already. I believe our future generations will implement change where it is necessary. I not only have hope, I have faith in our children to construct our society.

Use today to mentally structure your week. Be present and kind to yourself.

Revenge of Eve

letter143-Revenge of Eve

2.18.19

Mental Health & Recovery
Revenge of Eve-letter143

Don’t go numb to your ideas.

You will get there.

Look at how far you’ve come.

You are given new opportunities every 24 hours.

If a break is needed, relax for a day.

Breathe.

How are your habits?

Keep them in check.

Do not go into the darkness of what could’ve been and why you are not..

Stay in a frame that is conducive to boost your mental wellness.

The past is exactly that.

Its ok to have an off day.

S.Y.K.

Mental Health & Recovery

Hey, Hey!

Welcome back to Revenge of Eve’s 2019: Challenge Remix

This week we are going to bring it back in and share our opinions on mental health. As most of you are aware, I consider myself an advocate, not an activist, for the mental health community. I openly discuss my trials and tribulations in regards to my co-occurring illnesses. Not only here on R.O.E. but if ever the topic arises in a public conversation, I speak of my experience having been diagnosed. Currently, I am in recovery and thriving but that isn’t to say that I do not struggle.

So You Know
So You Know

We have seen a recent onslaught of public figures and civilians alike speaking up and out about the importance of mental wellness but I can’t help but question if we are doing enough to actually be heard and create change. Making waves is good but it sometimes takes a natural disaster to invoke change within a society.

I am afraid it will take devastating events for others to wake up and change the way we speak about mental health. Do I have the solution? No, but I do use every platform in which I am active to elevate my voice.

2019: Challenge Remix


SYK-REVENGE OF EVE

1. Do you struggle with your mental health (ie. diagnosed)?

2. What is the most aggravating misconception as it relates to your diagnosis?

3. Is there a family history of mental illness within your immediate family?

4. If you could change the stigma that surrounds mental illness, how would you go about doing so?

5. Do you believe that maintaining our mental wellness will ever rank in importance with maintaining our physical health? Why or why not?


The Deets

  • A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
  • Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
  • Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
  • Pingback to any SYK post

A few things to keep in mind

  • There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real.  If you feel a certain type of way, say it.  You were asked your opinion 😉 (double dog dare)

My answers to last weeks questions are…

  1. What is the soul? I believe the soul to be who we are before we are told by society, friends, and family, who to be. I also believe our souls are the little innocent child in ourselves that we’ve left behind. I believe our soul is here to serve a purpose and due to distractions, we lose sight of that purpose.
  2. What is religion? Groups of like-minded individuals who worship an idol and live their life according to a set of rules laid out by the governing body of said group.
  3. What is spirituality? I believe spirituality to be a place, realm, of where we originate and where we ultimately belong. An embodiment, a destination, peace from within, wholeness.
  4. What purpose do humans serve in the scheme of things? Speculation: we serve as an experiment. One where the population is bred and given no answers only to prove the power of negative energy (such as greed, lust…). Perhaps it is something we asked for in which we were given only to be destroyed by ego as a form of punishment.

*the opinions expressed are the opinion of Revenge of Eve 🙂 no judgment if our views do not reflect one another

letter143-Revenge of Eve

2.12.19

Mental Health & Recovery
letter143-Revenghe of Eve

Everything will look so different in a year.

Hopefully, you break through your fears.

Its ok to shed tears.

The joy is worth the pain.

Your life you will regain.

You have pushed boundaries your entire life.

Now you learn to set them.

Express your journey creatively.

Then you learn to be free.

Love,

xoxo


What the universe has taught me lately:

I was listening to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations and one of her guest said that everyone has a spirit guide, everyone. Oprah asked how does one go about learning their spirit guide’s name and her guest said all you have to do is ask and listen. So I asked and almost immediately the name Jenni popped into my head. The next morning I said, “Ok, If I ask someone their name today and they say, Jenni, then that’s my guides name”.  I went about my day and when I spoke to a coworker I was telling her that I had asked and thought it was Jenni but that I had forgotten to ask anyone’s name and she said: “No you didn’t, you asked the new trainee her name, its Jennifer”. Ironic?? I think not.

My spirit guides name is Jenni.

letter143-Revenge of Eve

2.16.19

Mental Health & Recovery
Life Leads-Revenge of Eve

You are being told to move on yet you remain so attached.

Change doesn’t have to be painful.

Trust in your abilities, challenge yourself and make it happen.

Life is too short to live an unhappy existence.

You can never prepare for what life has to offer so all of this waiting is time wasted

How many more minutes will you waste?

Learning to Love Myself-Revenge of Eve

Learning to Love Myself Without Shrinking

Mental Health & Recovery

One Word

It is often said that words do not define us.  In my personal realm, they do.  I may have mentioned this a time or two.  What I mean is that I require words to give to people to describe who I am and am not.

I hold onto words.  I have a love-hate relationship with them.  I love how eloquently they roll off your tongue when telling someone you love them.   I love the punch they have when said in anger. 
I am sure we can agree that words are powerful.

Ironically, I struggle to find words that I relate too.  Ya know, fit the definition of.  This was the case when in rehab and mental facilities when the counselors would say that I had abandonment issues.  I never agreed. How could someone have abandonment issues when the abuser was there?  He did not do me a favor and leave, no, he stayed.

One day, out of the blue, it dawned on me.  It is rejection, for me, not abandonment.  Being able to communicate that has changed my world and recently a good friend of mine did it for me with yet again, one word…

Territorial

You all have read about my confession of being able to absorb the energy of others and it is the word territorial that describes why I am the way I am.

How’s that??  Allow me to dish it to ya…

All of my life I have used words such as possessive, protective, even jealous (which I am not by nature) to describe how I am with those closest to me.
Once I feel safe with someone, in my mind, they literally become mine.  Like seriously.

Their well being at that point has been assigned to me to guard.  If at any point I feel that they are in an uncomfortable situation, I swoop in and defend.  I will go to any length to bring my friend or family the level of comfort they need. 

I do not take these actions based on their command, I do so by sensing their energy.  Pretty much their energy tells on them.  At work, if anyone is rude or aggressive with any of the girls,  I immediately chime in and make it known that none of that nonsense will take place.  Not with me around anyway.

Learning to Love Myself-Revenge of Eve

Having always been this way, I never thought to put a word to it. But when I thought about it, the words I did chose were all associated as negative describers and that part of me isn’t necessarily bad or negative. This only confirms one thing, I am not crazy. I do feel on a different spectrum/level than others.

The second I heard my friend use the term territorial in the same sentence as Candace, something clicked. A light flickered and everything seemed to come full circle at that moment. Here’s the circle…

” The things I am to discover about myself are not bad. I am not bad. I was just labeled that as a child growing up. Not only did I think I was because of my dad but also because no one’s parents would let them hang out with me. In my adult life, most of my friend’s boyfriends do not like it when their girlfriend hangs out with me (the insecure ones anyway).”

Candace Lynne

Intimidating and snobby are two words people have used to describe me, more than I’d like to admit.  Two of which, if I may say so myself, are words I’d rather not be associated with. Intimidating isn’t too harsh but snobby is something I have tried my whole life not to be. My dad is a snob. Yuck! When this has been said I didn’t have a rebuttal and now, I do!! I can see it now…

“I thought you were a snob”

“Ummm excuse me??? I am territorial” 😉

(Oh, my bad. I had a moment of role play there for a sec.)


Chit Chat

 

Some people do not like using words to describe them because they feel as though it attaches a label.  I cannot argue that labels are put on people, therefore, limiting their abilities but for me, they are necessary. 

Along this road I am traveling, I discover something new about myself daily.  In an effort to change the way I view myself it is vital that I do not consider things about my character as bad or wrong.

If you have ever suffered emotional abuse a common tendency is to belittle ourselves.  This is the opinion of the abuser not necessarily the opinion we have of ourselves.  It is this conditioning that requires us to take note of the way we talk to ourself, change it, and move forward.  Implementing change takes action and although sometimes difficult, in the end, we reap the benefits.

It is difficult to change any habit and I am finding the kinder I am to myself, the easier the climb.  We each have our own level of tolerance and should never look down upon someone for the choices they make along their journey.  You either accept certain things or you don’t and you move on.  Life is too short to be wasting time in situations with unresolved issues.


By no means has it been easy to get where I am, to be able to say this.  Awkward moments staring in the mirror trying to spit out, “you deserve better than this”, took a strength I had to verbally ask for.  This may seem small to some who may ” have had it worse” but for me,  being kind to myself is the biggest thing I’ve done yet.  Even quitting alcohol after 20+ years abuse seemed easier.

Revenge of Eve

Brokenness can be mended.  Not overnight and not without tears.  I share this not to brag but simply to restore one person’s faith in themselves.  I know if I can do it, you can too.  But you have to want too… Want to remove the chaos, sit in silence, look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your role in all of it.  Not as a source of blame but to find a true strength that will elevate you and carry you through.

Tomorrow will present its own set of obstacles but at least now I can approach them with myself on my side.  Lightening the load is half the battle. Learning how to love yourself without shrinking wins the battle.

💕Revenge of Eve

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

The Words of A Picture

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery

Oh Snap!

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

So… I took a selfie tonight and I must say, my face has begun to age. I noticed a slight change two years ago but in tonight’s picture, I can see even more aging. I don’t know how I feel about this just yet. I have candidly made comments that I was going to start saving for a facelift.

Growing up everyone said I was a spitt’n image of my dad. I didn’t like that because I thought little girls were supposed to look like their mommas.

Back to the picture…


The features of mine that are aging are the same features in my fathers aging face; meaning that although everyone now says I look like my Ma, I resemble my father more.

What a bummer.

[Maybe that’s why he rejected me. A mirror image will make you do one of two things: change or never look in that mirror again. He chose the latter]

So I can see why I would have plastic surgery. Reconstruct my image to suit the more confident, brave(r) me. I just want a little nip and tuck around my neck area. It is sagging.

Oh, yeah… I haven’t started working on forgiving my dad, yet. I don’t know how you prove emotional abuse but I was emotionally tormented by my father.

I need to put that out there so I can begin healing. I would have rather been raised in his absence. And I have carried around his lies about who I am for far too long.

But.

This will require a counselor.


For accountability

I am saying out loud

I, Candace Lynne, will make an appointment with a therapist by March 1, 2019.


I am ready to get on with my life. See what it has to offer me or better yet, what I have to offer it.

With a nice lift 😉 in my spirits.

More Importantly

Watching my daughter cope with anxiety, that is now showing up physically, has been one of the hardest, eye-opening experiences of my life.

For those of you that are new around these parts, I have one child, a daughter, who will be 17 in two weeks. She is the most respectful, intelligent, compassionate, young lady. Yes, I am biased but she truly displays those characteristics.

She has struggled with performance anxiety ever since kindergarten where she had to dance on stage with a partner in front of the magnet performing arts school, kindergarten parents. She would shake her hands while her arms flailed by her side as if she were shaking off the numbness. Over the years her coping skills remained similar, from shaking her hands to stretching her fingers. Within the past three years, her anxiety has reached an all-time high with her once favorite sport, soccer.

She had her first anxiety attack last Friday at school. Up to Friday and through tonight (Thursday), she hasn’t been doing so well. She got on the field tonight for a brief moment. I know my child and I know she isn’t ok. I am giving her time to process what it is that has gotten her in such an upheaval. Come next Friday, when I get her, she should be ready to talk.

The pressure of her academic courses has increased with two of her classes demanding more time than she has in a day. As a junior in high school, she enrolls in courses receiving college credit. Piled on top of soccer has become too much for her to handle. Instead of quitting, my daughter shows up. She cheers on her team from the bench as I stare at her across the field. She has a muscle in her upper thigh, her I.T. band, that is preventing her from playing. I believe it is her anxiety manifesting itself.

Coming from a parent, it is torcher to watch, heartbreakingly so. There is a helplessness that makes me feel inadequate along with a sense of blame. She struggles because of me. With mental illness having a genetic trait, I fear it’s debilitating wrath.

Needless to say the past two weeks, with my own growing pains, have extended themselves to an emotional roller coaster. We are moving into week three and I desperately need a solution or at least that’s how it feels. This to shall pass.


Have you dealt with mental illness within your family?? Give us some advice. We need it! Share in the comments or chat via email.

Ta-ta ~