A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
A Love Affair with Rejection-Revenge of Eve
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve
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Ground Zero

An inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually going into 2k19

Ground Zero-Revenge of Eve

I decided to take inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually, giving me something to measure. I suppose I could add emotionally to the mix as well because it plays a vital role in our lives.

My current situation does not reflect any growth from 2018.  In fact, it seems that I have gone backward.  Originally I was on a 5-year plan.  I accomplished all of my goals for four years even though I wasted a year and a half because I was still drinking.  2018 was the 5th year on this plan.

My goal was to be moved out of my mothers home and into a place of my own.  While I didn’t necessarily fail at this, it will not be happening.  My mother’s health is not in tip-top shape.  She has COPD, a hernia, and three ulcers that prevent her from eating certain foods and lifting heavy objects.  She doesn’t have health insurance because she makes too much to get government-funded insurance yet not enough to be able to afford health care.  She will qualify for Medicaid in two years.

She has been forced to the doctors because of pain and an inability to work but that only made her temporarily well.  My fear is that as soon as I move out she will need me to move back in.  I help with some of the finances around the house which takes a little off her plate but not nearly enough.  She and I decided that it would be best if I stay.  I feel that I have failed somewhat because I should be contributing more.  It is my plan to give her at least $100 more a month in 2019. 


Financially

Ground Zero-Revenge of Eve

Yes, that is a picture of my actual bank account. :/ Don’t feel sorry for me, it is after Christmas. By the looks of this, I am starting my year off at ground zero which isn’t bad in some instances. I mean, where can I go from here? Only up, right? I keep the majority of my money in little cash envelopes in a drawer in my room but that’s not where my money is. I am broke starting the year off.

From a financial standpoint, I have always made money on a daily basis and have lived to pay my bills this way. In 2018 I accumulated my first ever savings and it totaled a whopping $3,000.00. That is a lot of money for someone who makes $2.15 an hour. It’s crazy the amount of work I do for that hourly rate and the disrespect I put up with for that matter. I do make tips but using yesterday as an example, I had two tables that didn’t tip me and guess what? I pay taxes on my sales reported on my checkout at the end of the shift. Basically, when you do not tip your server, they pay, double. No complaints, I’ve done this for 20+ years. Moving on…

Spiritually

This year is one of being honest with myself and it starts here. I have been being pulled toward being able to define my God. My God. Not the one who has a beard and sports long, wavy hair. The picture of my God is golden and that is as far as I’ve gotten. I also cringe when I hear or see the word God because my account is attached to the organized religion God. Ya know the punishing God who doesn’t allow Baptist’s to dance, the one who condemns people to hell for loving the same sex… I am changing the name God to Her so if you read any post further from here and read me talk about Her, that is what I am referring to.

I know that my God has big things in store for me not by way of money but by way of peace by helping others because that is what my soul has been sent here to do. I do not ever discuss this out of fear that it will scare others away but it is my truth. I have a gift and sense things others don’t and this year I will be tuning into the intuition that I have run from for a long time.

Mentally

Ok, I’ll admit. I have been off my meds for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly until a few days ago. The culprit is pms. It is common for people who suffer from bipolar, women, to experience terrible pre-menstrual symptoms related to increased levels of estrogen. With that said I felt a familiar enemy rise. Anger.

If you are new to these parts, I have a terrible anger problem that has caused me tremendous anguish and humiliation. Not so much fun when you try your hardest to not let it surface. Anyway, I have since taken one dose of my medication and am lucky it is instant. You ask why I quit taking, well, because I don’t like feeling like a zombie. I have been in a more comatose state on different meds and these aren’t nearly as bad as others but I am wanting to approach my mental health from a more natural perspective. BUT I recognize I probably need to take my medication first and then begin a journey of naturalness later down the road.

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Me-Upset because I am angry

Emotionally

Going into 2019 from ground zero gives me ample opportunity to grow as a person, explore my creativity, help others in need, and expand my horizon. I will do so through forgiving eyes and loving heart. I am going to say no and not feel bad about it. Keeping in mind that I do not have to do anything except what advances me and my daughter. I have a tendency to volunteer my time to solve other peoples problems and that isn’t their fault, doing so continues to hold me back from solving my own.


Do an inventory of your situation and share with me in the comments. I would love to hear from you. Chat with me through email if that feels more comfortable.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

From Alcoholic to Bipolar to Blogger

From Alcoholic to Bipolar to Blogger

An Inspirational Life Story


Hey y’all!!  Welcome to Revenge of Eve, An Unconventional Lifestyle Blog.

It excites me that you have stumbled on my little slice of the internet and I hope you take your time to mosey around!  

But before you do,  allow me to share with you my story.

Presently

You may be wondering,  “what is an unconventional lifestyle blog?”.  Well….for starters if you are new to the wonderful world of the internet, the history of blogging can be found by clicking here.  If you are familiar with what a blog is, here’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!

During my research for beginning a blog, it became evident  that in order to have a successful blog you must choose a specific niche.  I found this information to be disappointing and almost tragic for my dreams.  I thought “How am I expected to be authentic discussing one particular subject when in fact I am a multifaceted woman with a range of interests?”.  Refusing to let go of my dream of connecting with others on a human level, I decided to do as I have always done….

I created my own damn niche!

An Unconventional Lifestyle niche was born.

Revenge of Eve

The word ‘unconventional’ was chosen in an effort to remain true to my character.  I have never fit the mold nor in a box. My thought process is a bit different than others, my fashion sense unique, and my humor, dry.  These are the qualities I am learning to embrace and at 40 years old, I am attempting life for the second time.

Before I go any further, I have a history and one that I am not proud of.  When reflecting on my life it isn’t shame I feel yet a deep sadness.

“A life lived in emotional turmoil results in unhealthy choices creating unhealthy habits.”

Candace Lynne

My personal account: 2012

After leading, 20 plus years, life as a bartender, I found myself attempting to stop drinking alcohol on a daily basis.  Unaware of the depths my alcohol use had plunged, imagine the surprise reality served me with withdrawal symptoms.

People drink to socialize, celebrate, and relax. Alcohol often has a strong effect on people—and throughout history, people have struggled to understand and manage alcohol’s power.  National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

How had I gotten so far beyond that my body was physically dependent on it?  How was it possible that me, a functional mother of one, that worked five sometimes six days a week, has to consider she may be an alcoholic?  Did others know? If so, why hadn’t they cared enough about me to express their worries? Was I not worth it?

“A variety of mental illnesses such as post-traumatic stress disorder, antisocial personality disorder [characterized by a lack of empathy toward other people], anxiety, sleep disorders, or depression, increase the risk of addiction. Those with the highest risk of addiction have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia — up to 50 percent [of people with these conditions] can have an addiction,” says Garbutt, researcher. everydayhealth.com

Thoughts continued swirling around in my head and at that moment, my only way to freedom was death.  Irrational thoughts consumed me and before I knew it I had dialed my sister and threatened suicide. Reaching me in record time my sister stood before me aiding my rescue.

The rest of the day is fuzzy.

Most of my days were fuzzy.

An untreated or undiagnosed mental disorder can wreak havoc on an individual who is suffering from a disorder as well as those around them. When a person is suffering from a mental health disorder, often, they are unaware that the disorder exists. While the individual will not understand their feelings or the mental problems that they are suffering from, they may experience feelings of hopelessness, depression, anger, or impulsiveness. Because of this, they find themselves feeling lost and at times can turn to unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to numb their psychological suffering. This process is known as self-medicating. One of the most frequently used substances for self-medicating is alcohol, although illegal drugs are also commonly abused by those with mental health disorders. Although the alcohol may temporarily numb the symptoms that the user is experiencing, self-medicating can lead to serious problems. Ouitalcohol.com

Waking at three a.m., on the mental ward floor of our local hospital, I come flying out of my room woken from a nightmare only for my surroundings to be more unfamiliar than the darkest corners of my dreams.  In the stillness, my haste drew the attention of a nurse. Meeting me in pure panic, she did as she knew and referred me back to my bed. “Hell no!!”, I demanded a coke. Somehow I remembered my sister bringing me my own personal bottles of coke, “I want a coke!”, I raised my voice with intention.

Weighing a hefty 200 pounds, standing five foot ten, it was evident my demands would be met out of sheer fear. As I drank my soda I stand in the hallway unaware of what was soon become the hardest years of my life.  At 33 years old I hadn’t been a day without a cigarette since I was 13 or a drink since I was 20.

Desperately ripping the nicotine patch from my arm I lick it trying to absorb as much nicotine as possible.  My clouded brain hears the muffled voice of the nurse informing me that caffeinated drinks are not allowed after set hours and that my nightmare was a side effect of the nicotine patch. In a dazed state , I remember being awakened after I had just fallen back to sleep.  I refused to budge. I lay there prepared to throw a tantrum or resort to whatever means necessary to go back to sleep.

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I slept.  

I do not recall the sequence in which the events of my first hospital stay occurred but there is one particular event that is ingrained forever. An elderly patient, who was clearly more mentally disabled than me, flipped a switch within me altering my opinion about the power our mind holds.  Today, I candidly tell the story but in the moments it occurred, it couldn’t have been more serious.

That day

In between group the other patients would gather in a small room with tables, a television, and the phones while I paced the halls, gnawing on a straw, I would swiftly pass by walking in gapping strides.  Somewhere around and about mile two or three of my anxious pacing I had a joiner. A woman in her 50’s who toted a life-sized baby doll would attempt to keep up with me. I smiled and was flattered that she had chosen me to become attached to… until I wasn’t.  Quickly I became annoyed with her presence. She would disrupt my course causing me to go off path. The path I had beaten down on the carpet for two consecutive days.

At this point, amidst the groups, paperwork, and pacing, it had been determined that I suffered from mdd, major depressive disorder, although the diagnosis was not discussed with me.

“Clinically speaking, you have to treat the addiction and the psychological symptoms at the same time. Misdiagnosis, and therefore under-treatment, is common, such as when an alcohol addiction is masking bipolar disorder,” says Garbutt.

Psychosis: My First Experience

I would begin by asking her nicely to stop following me and she would nonchalantly respond, “ I’m finnnne”.  Agitated I would dodge off into my room closing the door. When the anxiety heightened I would return to pacing with Nancy in tow.  Over the next 24 hours, I pled with Nancy and I paced. Before exiting my room I would gather my composure and set off on my course.  Waking to my reality and a cigarette on my mind, I start the next day on the wrong foot. Unbenounced to me Nancy’s curiosity had been peaked from my exiting and entering my room.  She would take it upon herself to go in my room and borrow two of my gifted puzzle books… without my knowledge.  For what had become a part of my path, I entered my room and immediately notice something off.  Within seconds I figure out what it was. In this very instant, I would be shown that it isn’t me who is in control.  Regardless of the constant, silent coaching, I had been doing,  I snapped.  Screaming at the top of my lungs I run out of my room.  Before I grasp reality a nurse stops me in my tracks. Suddenly I am surrounded by all of the staff.

“ I have lost my mind.”

Alcohol hallucinosis: These hallucinations are typically auditory, but may manifest as visual or tactile. The condition is also characterized by mood disturbances, rapid mood swings, and delusions, and it may ultimately mimic schizophrenia in presentation. It is unlike delirium tremens and can appear in a person who otherwise had clear thinking and memory previously.

After a shot of Ativan, the nurse comes into my room with my books in hand.


That is the last thing I remember before passing out.

This was the beginning of a year in and out of inpatient rehabs, mental institutions and sober living homes where I would go on to experience two more episodes of psychosis.  These episodes of a distorted reality would later go on to be the determining factor in my changed diagnosis.  

April 20, 2015, I walked through the doors of our local government funded mental health clinic and haven’t  looked back. Willingness and honesty gave me the start I needed to pave a new path and I have not had a drink since that day.  The first year of my sobriety was spent adjusting to a world without blinders. Careful not to tempt myself I would stay cooped up at home and worked the graveyard shift at a restaurant that did not serve alcohol.

2015

Setting small goals of travel for my daughter and I motivated me to save money and go on trips that have produced some great memories for her and I.  My life started to gain momentum, I was humbled by the graveyard job, my anger was tested with another employer and because of this instead of responding I asked for my old job back at the casino.  I left this job to enter rehab and am grateful to still be employed there to today.

My diagnosis of mdd had not changed and I began taking an antidepressant with nonnarcotic anti-anxiety medication while being treated by a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic.  It was here I received counseling and completed an outpatient rehab program. After almost two years I decided it was time for me to seek a new psychiatrist because my anger was beginning to increase and there wasn’t much about life that excited me.

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2017

January 2017, with the switch in psychiatrist, I would be diagnosed with bipolar 1 mood disorder, anxiety, and mild ocd.  At this point I was severely depressed, pissed off and unstable. My moods became so unbearable that I turned to Google and typed in bipolar disorder.  Before my eyes 30 or 40 articles described my pain, my life, my illness.  

It was in July of 2017 that I began blogging to share my story of mental illness with others.  I had no idea the impact creating a blog would have on me. It forced me to want to be well so I were able to communicate what goes on within.  I promised myself to stick with blogging because I had not followed through with much in my life and I had fallen in love with the community. As an empath and introvert, it allowed me to connect in a way I had not ever been capable of.  For this reason alone, I agreed to take the antipsychotic my doctor recommended.

In September of 2017, I began a medication regime that has changed my life and perspective.  Currently I have found what I believe to be my calling and in order for me to achieve success I have a lot of work to do on myself.  From building a solid foundation to accepting life on life’s terms, implementing suggestions for growth and most importantly, learning to love myself and forgive myself.  The time I have been in recovery, thus far, has been spent adjusting to my surroundings and the time has come to take it a step further. There are sure to be challenges but I am ready to tackle them and keep moving forward.  My hope is that others are able to relate and for us to share the path on this journey.

Revenge of Eve dot com is live!

Will you please hang out and join me on this

              journey of self-discovery, self-love, and finding my inner strengths?

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve