So You Know

S.Y.K. is Bacccck!

The last two week’s there was no episode of S.Y.K. because, simply, life has been rough around these parts. In order to gain some normalcy, I figured I could start by publishing our favorite series of questions.

I hope you are excited 🙂

So You Know (S.Y.K.)

Is a series of questions meant to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers. It’s easy to participate! Follow these simple guidelines:

Publish a post on your site answering this week’s questions.

Create a pingback to this week’s post. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll explain.

Be honest!

See simple, right?

This week’s questions

Do you take a vacation during the summer months? If so, what amount of time do you travel (days, weeks)?
Do you meet up with family or friends at the destination?
What has been your favorite destination spot?
What has been your worst traveling experience?
If you do not travel each summer, what do you do to escape your reality?

I hope that everyone is staying cool this summer. Summer vacation comes to an end in three short weeks and school begins. Time seems to fly by the older I get. My daughter and I are going camping in the upcoming weeks and I can not be more excited. I haven’t got away in two years and the effects of that are showing in my lack of fulfillment.

The increase in my meds is working in spurts so I know I am on the right track. I go for an evaluation next Wednesday with a possible increase. I am bothered by my position in life these days, as you all know, so I am looking for any glimmer of light. Thanks for all the encouraging words you share and thank you for being a source of positivity in my daily reading.

Always Chase the Gold

Mental Health & Recovery

I’ve come to realize that what is lacking in adulting is the use of our imagination. Today, I hope you search for the gold at the end of the rainbow. Because I will be. Always.

Relationship Curious

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Hardly Ever

It isn’t very often that I have something positive to say about the generation that surrounds my daughter and my only true complaint with them is their ~~lack of~~ work ethic. And to be honest, it isn’t every day that anyone of any age impresses me but today, a nineteen year impressed me.

She’s actually impressed me quite a bit over the last three months but I’d hate for her head to get big and so I stay silent. She also just found out my web address so I won’t go into too much detail 😂 here either. But I had to tell her tonight because what she did, I wish I had the courage to have done most of my life.

She chose herself. She saw a toxic person for exactly who he is. This is not to say that he is a bad person. He is, however, detrimental for her growth. This also isn’t to say she won’t give him another chance tomorrow and I would never judge her if she did because I am no judge…but…before I go any further…

A brief snapshot of the situation:

Young single mother meets an older guy (10-11 years older) who invites her and her 18-month old son to move in bills free {red flag number one} a month into dating.
He talks at her, not to her and his opinions are made known.
He shows no affection.
Dinner is expected.
He encourages her son to disobey her.
He claimed to be in recovery yet from a photo, I said otherwise.
Last night, it became apparent that he must’ve started using again. {She is familiar with addict behavior because her mother is in active recovery and her dad is an active user of the same drug he claimed to not be on}.

Today, we moved her and her son’s belongings out. At that age or perhaps even my current age, I would make excuses for his behavior or secretly consider it a rescue challenge. I would disregard my intuition and stay because I feel that is the type of treatment I deserve. It’s the same toxic pattern that I have repeated in every single relationship I have had – which isn’t many but nonetheless, toxic. From there a stronger attachment is formed (feeding my ego it’s favorite meal…power) because they need me and I must prove so by providing shelter and other luxury accommodations. The given moment my temper flares, I flex my muscles (not literally y’all), tell them to get out and continue to beat a dead horse until it’s decomposed. Fun, right?

If you are lost, I’ll spell it out: I peep his game because I am the club president.

“I’m not only a client, I’m tha play’a President”

Biggie Smalls

I used to think it was them but as I’ve grown, I’ve began to notice my participation in the dance of deceit. And believe me when I say the men in my life that have got the best of me, they were my karma – I strongly believe that and that would attribute to my staying at times. But the joke was on me because, once again with that thought, proves I believed I held the power.

I must also acknowledge myself for being able to confront the patterns and behaviors that aren’t the most glamourous. Now I must move on to the action part.

Awareness, first. Action, second.

Now that I have identified this despicable pattern of weaved yarn, I must take action to not repeat it anymore. 34 years is plenty. That would require leaving the house. Better yet, my studio and I’m not sure what I’d do next with a guy – like how to have a conversation, how to believe them, how to accept their flaws…ugh…definitely not relationship ready but what if I am approaching relationship curious ??

Not An Option

Mental Health & Recovery

An option or not?

Losing hope isn’t an option and yet it seems to be the first I let go of. I am worn out from trying to stay afloat. Complaining with no action is pity and that is where I am. I can’t seem to do anything about this phase and yet I am resisting it with all my might. I’m tired. Tired of bitching, tired of crying, tired of…life. My body is exhausted and my mind; blank. I do not know what to do next. I try to not focus on the shit storm that is my existence and yet that’s it. I vaguely remember my summers being this way but I have also been on antidepressants so maybe they haven’t been as bad as this. So, I am on day two of my antidepressants – again.

I have never minded taking them. It was the antipsychotic I wanted to quit and somehow ceased taking the antidepressant along the way. My sister has moved in and while I love her a ton, I’m not excited because it displaces my daughter from her room. She isn’t here that much but it takes away her personal space and she isn’t happy about it, to say the least. I’ve been trying to prepare her for this day but really how can one prepare for it? She will have her own space but it is a work in progress. I have done nothing in regards to help making her a space of her own because I physically cannot at this point because…fuck, I can’t. I’m broke.

I am sitting in my designated studio space and it is the first time I have sat here in a week or so. Sure I’ve sat here but immediately I get up. I have no inspiration. I want to create to release whatever this pain is but instead I get up. What bothers me the most at this point is that I have nothing of value to write about. I feel like Debbie Downer and I don’t like putting depressing shit out into the universe but it is my reality and if I only put out Polly Positivity, I’d be lying.

Shortly after typing the above paragraphs I laid down and slept…more. I guess I need it. It’s all I want to do and the last thing I want to do. My body feels like it is shutting down without my permission. People have a hard time believing our mental health affects our physical state but I am living proof that it most certainly does.

I am going to try and put out an S.Y.K. tomorrow but I have two appointments and Kid so no promises. I will reach out and ask that y’all keep me in your thoughts and thank you for any good, positive vibrations you can send my way. I need them. I will drink me some water and hang on for tomorrow. Let’s hope that gets me through because giving up is not an option.

Drowning, Differently

Mental Health & Recovery

Do Different!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. And so…, today, I did different. Not – I wanted to do different but I DID differently.

Having a morning routine is something I have wanted to give a go for about a year now and this morning, I had a tech-free morning that included writing my thoughts, indexing my day, and meditating. How amazing is that?!?!

Last night we had a total solar eclipse and it was a new moon. Tapping into my “energy life”, I have researched the energy of the moon. From as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to the night sky. The moon and stars heal my being like the ocean does for some. Give me a blanket, surrounded by trees and a sky lit with the moon and stars and I am a happy girl. I figure there has to be more to it than that and so I Googled.

I have kept pretty quiet about my findings because I’m not particularly looking for opinions on the matter but I must say, me and the moon…we are close pals. I have now done a full moon ritual (last month) and last night I did my first new moon ritual. No, it isn’t witchcraft. It involves setting intentions and releasing things that no longer serve you – oh, and using sage to clear the air.

I drop that tidbit of info because it is something new I am doing and what’s the point in introducing new into my life if my routines and daily habits remain the same?? I’ll answer that for you – there is no point!!

Whatever it is that you do or believe or…yeah, whatever you do…it is the intention behind what you are doing and the follow up behind the intention that makes the difference. And allow you to claim your sanity as a bonus.

Today felt significantly lighter for me. I realize I have been quiet lately and I even skipped out on S.Y.K. this week, my apologies. To ease any worries, it is because I am processing a ton of…well, bullshit. Bullshit that I do not have a clue of what exactly it is I am dealing with. This phase has been difficult but I am trying my damnedest to respond kindly to myself – even if all that is, is tears, lots and lots of tears. I thought I was emerging but I am afraid I am barely hanging on some days. I am experiencing changes that I didn’t prepare for and even more weird, I don’t even know what changes I am talking about BUT I do know some things are changing within me and around me.

I know this too shall pass and I suppose it is the immediate gratification receptors that want it to pass now but I also know good things take time. I feel as though this transition began in 2017 and I am working diligently for things to smooth out. All I have is time. As much as I know all of this, I feel as though I am drowning, differently.

Published a day after written

Working on Us #4

Mental Health & Recovery

Working on Us

After missing last weeks episode, I had to make sure to make good on this one. Life is a little busy and a little shitty right now but hey!!…that’s life 🙂

Kid and I went out today and bought her some socks for school and a tea pot for her future stovetop. We prefer our tea boiled in a tea pot verses in the microwave. The aroma of tea makes me happy. My daughter is a sweet tea drinking fool so for her dorm/future apartment, a tea pot is essential 😉 For Christmas I bought her a black strainer with silver handles and when we saw the tea pot with the colors reversed, she had to have it. Twenty dollars is worth the value of some good ole sweet tea.

I am choosing the first prompt which this week is a question that asks:

How do you deal with the stigma surrounding your mental illness(es)? The question was submitted by Carol Anne

I do not lend my focus toward the stigmas attached. I prefer speaking from personal experience and to anyone who brings the subject up. I also make sure to defend our lack of control on the matter and also do my best to provide educating material for others. In fact, I have pulled out Ashley’s book at work for a few girls who were questioning their medication. I do not have a resource library on hand but I do have some quick material bookmarked for easy access. I choose to put my energy in understanding my own situation without allowing others opinion to pollute my experience. I still grapple for the words to describe what it is I am dealing with. Some days are better than others.

6.28.19

Mental Health & Recovery

*language warning*

I am finding this time of my life extremely difficult. Each time I feel as though I advance on a spiritual level, something material or childish, immature behavior on behalf of others, pulls me down. I want to run away. Sell my car and live on the streets. This race to maintain and all the glory given to the almighty dollar has my life in shambles. Do you know how it feels to say “I am unhappy. I want to quit my job” and to have your mother remind you that you have bills?? Because she “wants to mentor me”. Are you fucking kidding me? Mentor a 40-year-old?!! For crying out loud, it’s a little fuck’n late don’tcha think???

And life with a teen is pure bliss. If I see her. She’s in and out. When she’s in, she’s laid up in her room without a care in the world. The world spins for her and what else is there to do? Or that’s what I assume she thinks because hell, I have no clue what she thinks. Every time I think I do, I get it wrong.

Do you ever feel like there is always someone standing over your shoulder criticizing every step you take? That’s what life feels like for me and it fuck’n sucks!!! Because if we gonna do that, I got a list for them too…but I do not want to feed into that energy but…Did I mention it fuck’n sucks? No one wants to evaluate themselves. They’d rather point out everything you do “wrong”. I’m over it!!

I’d like to touch on gossiping and I mean barely skim over the subject: GROW SOME BALLS AND COMMUNICATE!!! And to the two-faced people out there…grow the fuck up. You think you are slick?? You are a waste of time. Stop trying to snake your way into friendships because who you truly are will soon surface.

I’m going to take a nap and try again. Let’s hope I feel better when I wake up because right now….

Working On Us. A Mental Health Question Series

Mental Health & Recovery

Last week I participated in Beckie’s mental health question series, Working on Us, and so as I am catching up for the week, I shall share my experience this week as well 🙂

Here are the guidelines for Beckie’s new series:

Each week I will ask a question or questions pertaining to mental health or I will even go as far as posting a photo prompt. Your job if you so choose to join along, is to write a post on your own blog, and creating a ping-back to the original post.

🌻It is up to you the reader to decide if you want to write a non-fictional or fictional piece, poetry, short prose… Whatever you like and/or whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Whatever you choose to do, I will, therefore, reblog what you have written. This is one way to not only promote your site but also spread awareness to all things mental health related. 🌻

As an added bonus… Since there are so many different mental health illnesses/disorders, YOU, the blogger can send me a comment as to what you would like to be the next question (s), and they will be addressed in future posts.

🌻What is the reason behind the “Mental Health Prompt of “Working on Us” (?) It’s fairly simple actually. I’d like this series to be an all-inclusive mental health community blog in order to be a source of more support towards one another. Idea’s, suggestions, and advice can be shared amongst the group.🌻

So, Are We Ready for Week# 2? I am going to start with two prompts. You can pick one or both, and again, you can choose how you want this to be written. Don’t forget to create a pingback to the original post, this way I can share with more people within the mental health community, as well as promote your blog site!

🌻 Prompt #1

What do you find to be the most challenging for you when it comes to your mental illness? (You can give an example and also a means on to how to cope).

Yes there are two prompts but due to limited space I am choosing to opt out on this weeks photo option – sad, I know but gotta do what I gotta do…

What I find most challenging

Is being honest about it. Sometimes things spill out because they have been held in too long but for the most part, I chose to speak on a somewhat surface level about my “illnesses”. I haven’t yet announced it (I do not believe) but I was misdiagnosed as bipolar. This isn’t my psychiatrist’s fault rather my own. I did not disclose important aspects of my life causing the misdiagnosis. I can’t say that I am ashamed because I do not feel as though I am, I just try to challenge people. It’s stupid actually because if I am seeking help then you’d think… Yeah, I know. Weirdo!! I agree, however, I have turned a new leaf and my new therapist knows the deal. Sometimes I am afraid I will startle professionals with my thoughts and I do not want to say things that alarm them when it is only a thought. Do you know what I mean?? Being open and honest about symptoms and side effects have always been easier for me to share with strangers or those really close to me. Those in the middle, don’t matter so I just don’t elaborate. Of course, it is easy to share with my readers because we share a level of understanding that goes without saying – but by saying so we can connect and feel as though we are a part of. Well, for me it is.

Check out Beckie’s challenge each Wednesday. We are only on the second week so you aren’t behind!! This is how we show our support. To participate is to compliment – or so it feels 🙂 I hope everyone enjoys there weekend!! Make sure you check back Monday for So You Know

An Update On Life

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.

❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.

S.Y.K.

Mental Health & Recovery

It’s Here!!

So You Know is a fun, sometimes serious, series that airs each Monday with questions that bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers.

Participation is easy and it allows everyone to get to know you a little more each week.

Rules? Oh, we don’t follow rules too well around here but if you follow these few, you’ll be in the safe zone.

Create a post on your website answering the following questions.
Or not…answer in the comment section. Either way is acceptable to me 🤓
Pingback to this weeks post. Don’t know how? Ask me, it’s easy as pie.

Can you handle that?? I hope so…

1.2.3. Let’s go!

So You Know- Revenge of Eve — So You Know

This week’s questions

How often, if ever, do you feel ruled by your emotions?
Does your mood decide your productivity level?
Are you bipolar or do you have another behavioral diagnosis?
How do you respond to having a not-so-good day? (Sleep, cry, nothing)
If you could give your moods names, what would they be?

-Anger:

-Sadness:

-Joyful:

-Blah:

-Excited:

-**** any additional mood you can think of:

My response to last weeks S.Y.K

Do you have a hobby? If so, what is it? Besides blogging, I enjoy creating a variety of forms of art using paper.
How did you discover your interest in your hobby? While searching for tips on how to be a better blogger I stumbled upon this amazing world. I have always had a love of stationery and so I picked it up quickly. Not the techniques so much but the collecting, I have down pact! 😂
Do you find having a hobby helps with maintaining your mental wellness? How so? I’d say 95%, yes and 5% no. The five percent is only because of my tendency to compare and my perfectionism gets a run for its money!
Where do you find materials for staying active with your hobby? Everywhere. Everyday life, craft stores, book stores, estate sales, second hand stores….
Have you ever considered monetizing your hobby? Or if you already do, do you still enjoy it as a hobby? I have and do somewhat. Looking back I approached my interest in paper art all wrong. I decided I wanted to monetize it before I even made my first attempt at creating anything. Having done this blocked any creative ideas I may would have had otherwise. I have since pulled the reins on producing an income and focused all of my attention on the actual art of making as well as allowing the process to heal any pent up emotions that cause me to regress any chance they surface.