Your Intro to the World

Life & Relationships

My Precious Child

I am not certain if you will read these posts or if I will invite you to but the one thing I am certain of is the love I hold for you. ❤

Mom

At the time this post is published, you were born 17 years ago

*alarm* 4 am

I packed your hospital bag as though we were going on a week-long vacation. Stuffed with socks, rags, your coming home outfit, 5 other outfits, bottles, a paci… I was prepared and then some.

On the way to the hospital, I kept repeating, ” I’m not nervous at all… You’d think I’d be nervous, but I’m not..”…

And then I was admitted and instructed to go to the bathroom to put on my gown and while I did that, your dad was sent to complete some paperwork on a different floor. As soon as I dropped my clothes I stood there trembling as tears streamed down my face and I said the words, ” I want my momma”, out loud.

Hours later, I would become a mother myself. The joy I felt in those moments is indescribable. Pure, unfiltered, not forced.. Happiness. For the first (and only) time, I cried tears of joy.

Revenge of Eve

Surrounded by love, those who came to wait for your arrival, brought Mardi Gras beads, ordered pizza in the lobby, and frantically paced in and out of my labor room. I posed for pictures with an oxygen mask on until the doctor kicked everyone out (approximately 8 centimeters). My two best friends were in the room and at one point I see, through my lifted legs, a camera strap flying over the doctors head. With a friend at each foot…we have the pictures of your raw entrance. Not per request! Lol

There was indeed a celebration the day you graced us with your beautiful soul. I can hardly believe that I have a child 17-years old! Where did the time go?  Last time I looked you were in diapers wearing plastic heels, clicking through our house. 

Revenge of Eve

At 3:19 pm, February 6, 2002, you were weighed in at a whopping 5 pounds and 12 ounces. From the moment you were born, I have felt whole. You have taught me more than I imagined I could learn from a little person.  You singlehandedly push me to be the best version of myself.  Your quiet demeanor captivates me.  I love you more each day and I am grateful to be your mother.


Happy 17th Birthday, Kid!

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

The Words of A Picture

Life & Relationships, Mental Health & Recovery

Oh Snap!

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

So… I took a selfie tonight and I must say, my face has begun to age. I noticed a slight change two years ago but in tonight’s picture, I can see even more aging. I don’t know how I feel about this just yet. I have candidly made comments that I was going to start saving for a facelift.

Growing up everyone said I was a spitt’n image of my dad. I didn’t like that because I thought little girls were supposed to look like their mommas.

Back to the picture…


The features of mine that are aging are the same features in my fathers aging face; meaning that although everyone now says I look like my Ma, I resemble my father more.

What a bummer.

[Maybe that’s why he rejected me. A mirror image will make you do one of two things: change or never look in that mirror again. He chose the latter]

So I can see why I would have plastic surgery. Reconstruct my image to suit the more confident, brave(r) me. I just want a little nip and tuck around my neck area. It is sagging.

Oh, yeah… I haven’t started working on forgiving my dad, yet. I don’t know how you prove emotional abuse but I was emotionally tormented by my father.

I need to put that out there so I can begin healing. I would have rather been raised in his absence. And I have carried around his lies about who I am for far too long.

But.

This will require a counselor.


For accountability

I am saying out loud

I, Candace Lynne, will make an appointment with a therapist by March 1, 2019.


I am ready to get on with my life. See what it has to offer me or better yet, what I have to offer it.

With a nice lift 😉 in my spirits.

More Importantly

Watching my daughter cope with anxiety, that is now showing up physically, has been one of the hardest, eye-opening experiences of my life.

For those of you that are new around these parts, I have one child, a daughter, who will be 17 in two weeks. She is the most respectful, intelligent, compassionate, young lady. Yes, I am biased but she truly displays those characteristics.

She has struggled with performance anxiety ever since kindergarten where she had to dance on stage with a partner in front of the magnet performing arts school, kindergarten parents. She would shake her hands while her arms flailed by her side as if she were shaking off the numbness. Over the years her coping skills remained similar, from shaking her hands to stretching her fingers. Within the past three years, her anxiety has reached an all-time high with her once favorite sport, soccer.

She had her first anxiety attack last Friday at school. Up to Friday and through tonight (Thursday), she hasn’t been doing so well. She got on the field tonight for a brief moment. I know my child and I know she isn’t ok. I am giving her time to process what it is that has gotten her in such an upheaval. Come next Friday, when I get her, she should be ready to talk.

The pressure of her academic courses has increased with two of her classes demanding more time than she has in a day. As a junior in high school, she enrolls in courses receiving college credit. Piled on top of soccer has become too much for her to handle. Instead of quitting, my daughter shows up. She cheers on her team from the bench as I stare at her across the field. She has a muscle in her upper thigh, her I.T. band, that is preventing her from playing. I believe it is her anxiety manifesting itself.

Coming from a parent, it is torcher to watch, heartbreakingly so. There is a helplessness that makes me feel inadequate along with a sense of blame. She struggles because of me. With mental illness having a genetic trait, I fear it’s debilitating wrath.

Needless to say the past two weeks, with my own growing pains, have extended themselves to an emotional roller coaster. We are moving into week three and I desperately need a solution or at least that’s how it feels. This to shall pass.


Have you dealt with mental illness within your family?? Give us some advice. We need it! Share in the comments or chat via email.

Ta-ta ~

Evaluating Friendships-Revenge of Eve

Evaluating Friendships

Life & Relationships

It is a new year and with that comes change.  We organize our life, set goals and lose the weight but what about our friendships?  Our relationships impact and influence our direction in life. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.  But are you in the flock with your friends?

Let’s face it, if you made the decision to go vegan in 2019 it will not help that each time you go to dinner at your best friend’s house she is serving wild game.  So while we are clearing out the energy for new beginnings, let’s evaluate our friendships to decide which box they go in.

Is it ever ok to interject?

Having relationships is the key to human growth.  We learn from each other, lean on each other, and love one another.  Experiencing life with someone encapsulates what it means to be human.  It is a connection that we most naturally desire, being a part of, belonging.

In our relationships, it is a priority to set personal boundaries.  These boundaries are allowed to vary on an individual basis.

Candace Lynne

Boundaries are two things:

  1. Respect
  2. Necessary

We have all experienced the loss of friendship and while some were easy to let go of, others not as much.  Through sadness, grief, birthdays and milestones our bonds are strengthened or in the absences of, lessened.  Respect is the utmost pedestal compliment you can ever receive or give in a friendship.

You will find that in this post I use the terms relationship and friendship interchangeably and that is because they are one and the same.  A friendship is a relationship in our lives that requires maintenance. In relationships, we have a role, to recognize this is a guarantee for a healthy, long-lasting friendship.

Evaluating Friendships-Revenge of Eve

Individual Opinions & Sharing

The heading of this post was a foreshadowing to this section.  This section is interactive and presents questions that we may ask ourselves in order to determine, is it ever ok to interject your opinion.  I encourage using the comment section to discuss what you came up with.

Most of us, especially women, have been in the classic situation of giving friendly advice when we see that our friend is in a toxic relationship.  This is assuming he or she came to you with a problem and asked for help in finding a solution.

  1. Do you point out the obvious?  That regardless of this isolated incident, the relationship is doom for failure?
  2. Do you dig up past events that are similar to this situation and point out patterns?
  3. Do you listen and let your friend work it out on their own with your guidance?
  4. Do you make excuses regardless of right or wrong in defense of your friend?
  5. Do you stay out of it?

In my personal experience, this has been a challenge for me.  A true struggle. Regardless of my friend’s attachment or feelings, I have let loose with my observations and it has caused a strain in my friendships.  After years of practice, I came to the conclusion that my friends are going to do whatever they want to do. It is best that I keep my opinions to myself even if I have been asked.  This seems to be the safest way of respecting their decisions but also allowing them a space to vent without judgment.

Of course, it goes to say that there are a million scenarios, some more serious than others.  How do you know when to intervene? Here is my view: the only time you have the right to step in is when there are children involved.  If the children are being physically abused, neglected or suffering any type of abuse, you as an adult speak on behalf of the child involved. First, confront your friend and from there get the authorities involved.  Who cares if you lose a friend at that point. The damage being done to the child can end with you. You cannot assume the child is in danger you must be 100% sure they are unsafe before reporting.

What if your friend is being physically abused?  You listen. You drop clues for counseling. Invite them to educate themselves on the forms of abuse.  Whatever you do, do not get in the middle of it. They will choose the abusive relationship over the friendship every single time.  In order to respect your own boundaries, you may have to walk away from the friendship until they get out of the abusive relationship.  This does not guarantee they will leave but it is necessary you govern your boundaries.

Are you still wondering when you interject?  You don’t! If it is something you cannot tolerate, you walk away.


Quality of Friendship

Is your friendship healthy or toxic?  How do you determine?

Below are qualities seen in a healthy friendship

  • Supportive of decisions
  • Accepting of each other’s faults
  • Do not judge one another
  • Encourages growth
  • Defend each other’s character
  • Does not gossip about the other
  • Gives honest feedback
  • Loyal
  • Respectful of boundaries
  • Honest
  • Dependable/ Reliable
  • Trustworthy
  • Open communication

As you can imagine, toxic friendships offer the opposite qualities.  Toxic friendships can be obvious to some yet hidden to others. We may not realize that it is our closest and longest friendship that are holding us back.  Limiting beliefs, fear of judgment and unadvised opinions can dictate a bond that needs to be severed.

A good way to know if you have a toxic friend is by writing down how they react to certain situations.  Are they the nagging reminder of a failed project? When you achieve a goal, are they there to celebrate?  Have you ever been at lunch with this particular friend and gone into the bathroom to find a piece of black pepper in your teeth?  That is a sure way of knowing if they are for you or in competition with you.

Evaluating Friendships-Revenge of Eve

Letting go

Easier said than done but letting go of a few friendships will do you no harm.  How much you want to bet they barely notice? That is what is sad. Many people claim to be your friend in the company of others yet they do not call, make lunch dates, or even text.  

By no means am I the perfect example of a friend.  I allow physical distance to separate me from them and once I arrive at home, I do me.  My friends and I designated Thursdays as our hang out day. We did really well the first month and after that, it has been hit or miss.  Luckily we see each other at work but if it wasn’t for work I’m not sure how often we would see each other. 

In 2018, after a year of distance, I had to let go of my lifelong best friend not because of me but because of her.  She refuses to seek mental health assistance and I made the toughest decision ever.  I separated from her and in doing so I realized it was me who kept our friendship alive.  Her selfishness had reached its apex and I, although sad, have felt relief.


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The thing is is that we each have our own lives but it is important to set aside time for those in your life who truly matter.  Because if they were to die tomorrow, you would regret not doing so. Death is the only certain in life.  Do yourself a favor and evaluate your friendships and say goodbye to those that no longer serve a purpose in your life.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Communication. A Learning Curve in Personal Growth

Life & Relationships

Raw Emotion

When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.

As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.

I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.

Rejection & Reason

We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accussitory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.

I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.

Communication-a-learning-curve-in-personal-growth-Revenge of Eve
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Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive agressive side of who I am.

Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apoligized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.

I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.


A New Dawn

Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.

Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.


The Rainbow after the Storm

I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.

Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation

If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂

P.S.

As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning. If you are here to judge me, GET A LIFE!

Just Like That-Revenge of Eve

Just Like That

Life & Relationships, Personal Growth & Goals

Lighter than a Feather

Sometimes it’s as simple as getting something off your chest that opens up space for better things to enter. I feel that today. Yesterday I was able to push past fear and the result was immediate. Like letting go of a balloon, I let go of the pain I have begrudgingly carried for 17 fuck’n years.

I realize I do not have to carry that kinda weight. Sometimes we just have to accept certain situations for what they are meant to be.

Life takes care of the rest.

It’s moments like this where the universe is nudging me in the right direction that I used to ignore. I knew 2019 was going to bring change. I wasn’t expecting it to be only 4 days in. Normally I want an answer but today it’s ok to not know and its ok it took me so long.

The relationships (2) that I have let go of have reached their expiration date. I am taking the lessons I learned from the two of them and moving into the next chapter of my life. No doubt in my mind they will forever hold a piece of my heart but I no longer allow them to negatively affect me. What was once thought of as lifetime friendships, has come to an end…


Processing


I feel a true joy that doesn’t come naturally to me and dare I say I think this is what proud feels like. I also decided there is no reason to waste my time with someone I know is no good for me. Blocking that number added to my sense of liberation. No need to be tempted. With him, I was able to see an unhealthy pattern that I have repeatedly ignored about myself until now.

Learning about myself doesn’t have to be difficult. If I take it all at face value it is simplistic. Stepping out of my own way may become a trend in my life. “It is what it is”, a common phrase that is used, sums it up. Things are the way they are without explanation or reason.

When I sat back in silence and allowed myself to fully feel what has happened I literally sighed relief. I evaluated the possible answers for why I would hold onto something that brought me pain and the only answer I came up with was the fear of losing our friendship. Although we have been estranged going on three years, I have only recently mourned the loss of our close relationship and this finalized it. Maybe that is what brought such relief. The ends were finally tied and burned.

Just Like That-Revenge of Eve

I try not to discuss in depth the circumstances surrounding my child. One because of shame; I am an alcoholic mother and the stigma attached to that is enough to make someone take their life, and two not to give a one-sided perspective. The friendship I have discussed today is the one I had with her father and the pain of him cheating on me, while I was pregnant, is what I have carried. My father disowned me because my child is biracial and in the moments of hearing him say, ” I am mentally prepared to spend the rest of my life in prison for the death of you and your unborn child”, I felt secure because of Kid’s father….until I was told he was cheating on me. My world was shattered, to say the least.

Many years have lapsed and life has treated us kind as parents. He is a great dad and that’s all I need from him. Despite his opinion today, he and I raised an amazing young lady to the best of our ability. We were young, selfish, and wild but our child never went without. She was taught respect, morals, self-love, compassion, and most importantly she knows she is loved.

Funny thing is I feared him finding out about my blog and little did I know he is a fan… he didn’t use those exact words but he did say he has read all of my posts and if I’d say so myself, that’s a fan (he told me I need to get a life, ppsst) 😉 Hi Anthony, Hello Sam.


Life is opening up for me and I for it. I want to step out from behind the curtains and not be ashamed for who I am. I am becoming and that is a beautiful thing. I owe it all to my beautiful, talented, rotten, sassy, smart mouth daughter. She has taught me what unconditional love is. Seeing her love herself is the most inspirational display of courage I have ever seen. She isn’t afraid to talk about her feelings, she doesn’t sweep them aside. She stands up for herself if someone has crossed her boundaries and she forgives wholly. In my eyes, she is the epitome of perfection in its rarest form here on earth. She is balanced and rounded at the same time. Not only does she know her limits, but she also respects them. I speak highly of her not because she is my child but because she is my most influential teacher. All too often when others meet her they want to give all the credit to me and her father but I won’t accept that. She is an observer and with her little eyes has formed her own opinion and character and I couldn’t be more proud. I only hope to become half the woman she will be.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Can It Really Be Considered Progress?

Life & Relationships

Relationships

The only thing I can honestly say about relationships is that I have had my fair share of toxic, broken, manipulative ones. Looking at my situation from my point of view I am impressed that I survived. I am also impressed by my growth.


I put emphasis on growth because when it comes down to it, I am only attracted to the bad boys with a record and prison tatts. My interpersonal relationships have blossomed and produced fruits of love, laughter, and compassion…compromise. Yadayada.

But, is being single actual growth? Especially when I am not one to have intimate relationships in the first place and the ones I do have extend for years and years and years (they seem to drag out). My relationship record can be described using one word; painful. I do not have the best track record. Jealousy, greed, alcohol, lust….all the bad stuff, have ruled my idea of love.

The true progress can be seen in my interpersonal relationships with close friends and family. The most recent example of this would be the separation from my lifelong best friend. It was for me. Throughout the 30+ years of our relationship, I was the giver never to receive. Her selfishness became extreme and her sickness has grown. What sickness? Her mental state is deteriorating and she refuses to seek professional advice. It feels like abandonment but for the first time in my life I committed to sticking to my boundaries and did so.

What I find difficult is trusting myself with getting into a relationship. I don’t think I am ready but do we ever know when we are? I am perfectly content being alone single. The only thing that is lacking is the obvious, sex. The abundance of sexually transmitted diseases makes it challenging to sleep with random guys. I was lucky and had a “friend” but he moved away and now there is one I have been talking to for a year, off and on, that I finally met up with. I know he is no good for me. I’ll say that.

Can it be considered progress-Revenge of Eve

At this moment I find myself more interested in giving dating chance but how does someone who has never “dated” date? Times are different from when I was growing up. I do not get out of the house enough to randomly meet someone and I don’t dare enter the shark infested waters of online dating. I am limited in my options. Honestly, when I think of having to care how someone else feels, I am turned off by the idea. It is exhausting to maintain a relationship (see paragraph one). If given a semi-decent man I am afraid I would ruin him with my lack of trust in the man species as a whole.

I don’t have faith there are good ones out there. I’ll be truthful and say even if there are, I wouldn’t be attracted to them (see paragraph two). Compromise seems like a great suggestion but for what? Compromise sex for the title? I couldn’t. Maybe if they were a reformed bad boy… At 40 years old I’m not too sure I have hope in the arena of intimate relationships.

I have always gravitated towards younger guys. But I don’t want to be older than my “other half”, anymore. I am ok with my age but I do not want to constantly be reminded of it. Realistically I am not yet whole and just began my journey towards self-love and it is possible I was the problem all along. I take credit for my role in the toxicity of my failed relationships but is that all it takes to move on? Acknowledging your role? I have a long road that awaits and the idea of a partner to join me both sounds tempting and repulsive.

Throughout my life, I have been more productive in being alone. Being in a relationship has been more of a distraction than anything. When I am in one I tend to lose myself, albeit I’ve not found who that self is. Perhaps the pressure I feel from deciding to discover who I am has subliminally planted the desire for a relationship and I am not falling for it!! I refuse to enter into a partnership with the mindset I’ve always had. It consumes me in an unhealthy way that leads to paranoia, jealousy, and often rage. It’s time I put all that effort into myself and not experience those dramatic emotions once and for all.

That fact I am now able to recognize all of this is where progress can be seen. I am pleased with that. It is enough. I am enough.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve