I miss me.
So You Know
Not too much here. Crazy Pieces moon has my house an emotional rollercoaster!! But it’s a good ride because I am shedding my skin. I am growing and I’ll take that anyway I can get it. Kid too!!
I’ve spent the day doing as any empowered woman does by bleaching the shit out of my space. Sheets, comforter, bathroom…ya know, wiping away any reminiscence of those emotions, yeah, those. Then Kid and I sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful sunny skies with a breeze and minimal humidity – I am so grateful for those commodities in life. We forget that it is those details we take for granted.
*Us girls stick together through mess*
And on to the reason you stopped by!
This week’s questions will be a round of lighthearted questions because who really wants to think? Not this chick (Y’all should hear my chicken cawl – no really)!!
Never participated in S.Y.K? Alright then…here are the loose guidelines:
- Publish a post on your website/blog answering today’s questions OR drop your answers in the comment section below.
- Create a pingback to this weeks edition. Don’t know how? Hit me up through my Chat menu. I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy.
- Be honest.
Simple, Easy, Fun, Supportive!
This week’s questions
- Do you like creamer with your tea or coffee?
- What year were you born?
- What things would you never pair together (clothes, objects, colors..)?
- Does color represent certain beliefs/ideas for you?
- If someone is getting on your nerves, how do you handle it?
My answers to last week’s questions
Answering these are me being vulnerable. And I’m sure I will be vague. Js.
The me that is dying is the teen who accepted less because she thought that’s what she deserved. Rejection. My kryptonite. Except this time a broken one, like myself, valued me enough to compliment me so I can see my worth and send me on my way. That shit doesn’t happen everyday but I accepted it for what it’s worth. My value. My growth and my evolution.
- Have you ever had a relationship with someone that you could not touch (Due to circumstance or distance)? Sort of. I was well on my way.
- If so, how did y’all meet? Our stories have been intertwined since childhood and then connected in a not-so-good loop of tragedy in our early twenties.
- Do you believe a relationship can survive without physical touch? I couldn’t.
- What types of relationships have surprised you (Close friend, brothers childhood friend, web friends)? My only best friend still by my side and most likely because he is man. My freshman year in high school two seniors with cowboy hats walk up to the truck I was in with two thugs and asked if I needed a ride home by some real men. Lmao. Naturally I stayed sat where I was. Soon after I arrived at home to the two of them sitting on the tailgate of a truck drinking beer in my driveway. I ended up dating one of them for a short period of time and the other….well, he’s been next to me ever since (pictured below).
- If you have ever had an experience that was not typical of traditional dating methods, what made it different and how long did it last? What I was recently involved in was far from typical and it lasted a month-ish. The rest of the details I’ll leave up to your imagination. 🙂
Thank you for doing for me what I haven’t found the strength to do for myself
I will get there though
And I’ll have you to thank for this day
I will sit with this sadness instead of wishing it away
Because you do mean something to me
What that is, I’m not so sure
I want for you to accept your situation and for you to escape it but you choose your prison and that is something I cannot change
Although feelings were forming, I never forgot who you are but that’s what is so beautiful about acceptance
It just is
Breaking free from the roles others have placed on you is scary
Believe me, I know
From warrior to Queen hasn’t come without it’s challenges
But once you taste its freedom, you can’t go back
You deserve peace from a life of pain but as bad as I want that for you, I cannot force something on you that you do not know exists
Where you live breeds evilness and its power is stronger than me
But one day, you’ll see
And when you do
I hope you know
First things first
A big congrats to Sneha’s Expression – For Women for taking home the 2019 Bloggers Bash Award for Personal Development Blog. You can check out all of the other winners on The Bloggers Bash Website. I would also like to say congratulations to all of those who were nominated. It takes a special person to go out of their way to nominate another blogger for an award and an equally as special blogger to be nominated.
Being nominated was the highlight of my 2019!!! Thank you all who nominated and or voted for R.O.E.
So You Know is a series that goes live each and every Monday (well 95% of the time). It’s a series intended to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers. To participate is simple.
- Create a post on your site answering the week’s questions OR post your answers in the comment section below.
- Create a pingback to this weeks version of S.Y.K. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll walk you through it.
- All that is asked: be honest 🙂
This Weeks Questions
- Have you ever had a relationship with someone that you could not touch (Due to circumstance or distance)?
- If so, how did y’all meet?
- Do you believe a relationship can survive without physical touch?
- What types of relationships have surprised you (Close friend, brothers childhood friend, web friends)?
- If you have ever had an experience with a relationship that was not typical of dating methods, what made it different and how long did y’all last?
My answers to last weeks questions
Still here, just…
Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.
With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.
We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.
I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!
I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!
All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).
Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.
Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.
**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**
And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.
I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.
Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.
But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.
Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.
Having a curious mind
tends to take my thoughts
and press rewind.
Among those thoughts
Some of which
of my life.
Detaching from my thoughts
I find peace
Where am I to muster the strength
what my daughter
me to be
when others break
I have no
for saying it won’t happen
would be a lie.
When will this world heal?
How can I protect my only
from broken others?
I can only
beg and plead
she not become
as calloused as
Hold and cuddle them while you can.
Before you know it, it is you they cannot stand.
Wipe their noses and butts,
Help them out of ruts,
Watch as they drive you nuts!
Eyes that once glowed with pride
Go on to swollen and full of tears.
Before you know it, you question
“What happened to all those years?”
You do your best not to pass on your fears.
You give them room to grow.
But we aren’t taught how to cope when our daughter becomes a ho
Or our son an abusive asshole
Or a drug addict,
But, HEY! At least you get ONE day!
So to all the mothers out there…
Don’t think you are alone in a world of perfect moms because none of us have it figured out. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if anyone wants to judge you for that, fuck them, wink back.
I’m done with role play.
Either accept me
Or walk away.
I will no longer coddle
I am setting
Respecting this boundary
And if you take this personal,
That’s on you.
I hate to sound
Like a cold-hearted
No longer will I claim
Bipolar, alcoholic, introvert,
….I could go on
But instead, I
will move forward.
With or without you
that’s up to you.
I am just a girl
Who wants to
Believe in herself.
It’s me again! And it’s Monday again… Booooooo! I’m back today with your friendly So You Know series and a little chit chat 🙂
Due to problems beyond my control this post will publish a day later than it was intended
Yesterday in the United States we celebrated Easter. I believe if you are Christian this holiday is universal (don’t quote me on that). Easter is my family’s favorite get together and this year’s events went wonderful! The kids enjoyed their bag’s full of goodies and the food was to die for.
Let’s roll out this week’s questions.
As with each S.Y.K. post, the guidelines first.
I like to keep it pretty simple around here so here are a few things to keep in mind while participating:
- There are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
- Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
- Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
- Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
- Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion (double dog dare ya!)
*A number of questions will be asked. At least 1, no more than 5.
*Questions will range in subject from cherries to prostitution.
*Participation will consist of you creating a post on your website, listing the questions and responding.
*Pingback to any SYK post
Don’t know how to create a pingback? Hit me up and I’ll tell ya how. It’s easy and everyone needs a little help here and there
Pretty easy, right? Give your readers a little insight to who you are and participate in S.Y.K every Monday!
- What is your favorite holiday?
- Are there family traditions that you continue each year?
- Have you started any new fun things that your family does each year as a tradition? If so, please share! (Family does not have to be by blood – close friends count too!)
- Do you remember how old you were when you discovered the holiday mascots (Easter bunny, Santa, etc) weren’t real? Got a story that goes along with this discovery? Share, please!
- Which is your least favorite holiday?
Last week’s Q’s and my A’s
- Do you take responsibility for other people’s problems and/or emotions, unknowingly? I do and am trying to learn how not too. You can’t deny that energy exists and I pick up on people’s emotions through an energy field. This is commonly referred to as an empath. For myself, it is torcher. I cannot discern between mine and others and I go through phases where I can block from feeling others energy and phases where I cannot. As of late, I cannot. This has a bad impact on day to day life and I struggle keeping my head above water. I wake feeling a certain way and by time I have encountered two or three others, I process their feelings and make them my own. I do not feel responsible per se but I do feel it is hard to communicate if the energy is heavy.
- When did you realize that this behavior was burdening you and stunting your growth? Was it a particular incident or did someone point it out that it isn’t your responsibility? I was told by a counselor that the way others feel about me is none of my business and it is a reflection of them, not of me. I took that and from there realized that I am not responsible for their feelings and also realized that doing so was negatively effecting me. This is when I put together the relation I have with energy and other people. Call me crazy but it isn’t anything I haven’t been called before.
- Were you raised by giving parents or parents who gave only to throw it in your face later? I don’t think they ever gave only to throw it in my face but when it was/is convenient to apply guilt to a situation, it is definitely the go-to, ” after all I’ve done for you..”
- Lastly, what are your opinions concerning parents being held responsible for their children’s actions? At what age are children to be held responsible for their own actions? Is this reflective of how you were raised or the opposite? In my opinion, children’s actions reflect that of their parents responses. But there is a responsibility as a parent to teach our children consequence. There is a grey area where teens are concerned because many children act on emotion. I think it is important to hold them responsible for their own actions from the moments they enter this world but as far as crimes are concerned, the laws should never bend to trial a child (17 and under) as an adult. Although the crime may be heinous, they should still be charged in the youth grouping. And as terrible as it would be to see my child suffer at the hands of another child, I am still more understanding of that verses an adult molesting a child.
- When children act out it is because they seek attention. They find a way to make you respond and albeit negative or not, attention is attention. They are most likely to be experiencing difficult times at home or at school with their peers. Sometimes it’s hard to get kids to talk but if you watch them, you’ll discover what it is and from there it is the adults choice of how to guide them through those times. Children mimic adults and perhaps when they are acting out, we should look within ourselves and see what it is we are showing, not telling, them as their role models. My Ma was adamant when it came to respecting us as people and so I believe this to be a reflection of how I was raised. If you don’t like what you see in your child, maybe you should make some changes in your life. That’s what I had to do and it wasn’t easy but well worth it.
And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!