I am not sure why but it feels as though I do not deserve an audience to say hello to. It is a bothersome feeling because it isn’t true to how I should be feeling. I am worthy. I am worthy of the break I have taken. I am worthy of one or 1,000 readers.
I have a post waiting in the wing to publish and I have yet to do so because of this lingering lie my past traumas convince me of. I am proud of the post. It highlights my interest in design but can also serve as a guide for others…
The feeling, in my mind/body, feels like abandonment except I am the one who has done the abandoning. I have kept up with my gratitude journal and this morning it hit me how this very nook of the web literally brought me back to life (more than anything ever has). But I can’t for the life of me bring myself to dedicate the time I once did toward its upkeep and content.
I miss the friends I made. I miss the uplifting words my followers have offered in times of desperation. I miss opening the WordPress app each morning…I could continue but I think you get the picture. And as I sit here typing away I realize it is more a feeling of guilt. Guilt for not showing support despite my…whatever the hell you wanna call it…break.
Even if I choose not to write, that shouldn’t give me permission to not support others. Many bloggers showed up for me while not maintaining their own site. What if I could’ve been the one to offer words of encouragement during another’s dark time? That is of course what I would like to do so the guilt of not doing so is eating away at me. Why do I allow my truest, deepest desires to churn away with feelings of guilt instead of acting on them and having feelings of purpose? The answers are there. They are easy…and I, I am lazy. That’s all there is to it.