Revenge of Eve

Writing Myself Well

I’m Not Well

That is the most honest statement I’ve written. I am not well. It is taking everything in me at the moment to type these words. What happened? Nothing specifically but enough to leave me in my bed going on a week now. This post won’t be full of frill or begging for sympathy. I am just curious if it is possible to write myself well.

What does that mean? I’m not sure but I do know I love my blog and this community. I apologize for not responding to any of the comments and I will get to that soon. Currently, my hands shake as I type and I want to close my laptop. I may. I may not.  I don’t know what to say. I am learning that just because I do not want to be bipolar, does not make me not bipolar.

I’ve had a manic episode for approximately nine months now. That’s a long time to be up and my plan is to not be down that long. But here’s the catch. I don’t have a plan. Oh but wait! I am working on one. I see a new counselor on Monday. I am here, writing and I plan to touch base at least once a day. What I write is all dependant on how I feel. I will try to be social but at this point, no promises. I consume myself with others as a distraction from working on myself. I’ve said this for years but the reality of it has slapped me in the face. It hurts. I am hurting.

What does writing myself well mean? I don’t know but I am at the point I will try anything. Over the past two years, I have slowly come to understand that I am worthy of life. Even typing that confuses me because I have learned it but find it hard to believe 100%. Who determines…I have a million questions that will never be answered. I’m not hoing to waste anymore time on those. I want to be better.

I’ll admit there have been times when being sick was easier than putting in the work it takes to get well but that is not the case this go ’round. This time is different. What’s even harder for me to understand is the number of people who believe that being this way is a choice. Why on Earth would anyone choose to live this way? How is this my fault? How do I stop it? I’d rather not exist but instead, I have this and a life that I have been given. For what I have yet to discover. But I, like you, have a purpose.

27 replies to “Writing Myself Well

  1. I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I can’t even imagine how it must feel, but please know that I care!
    I am so glad you wrote, keep writing! I think you expressed yourself very well. I think it can be healing to write, so keep writing and keep hanging on. I hope this new therapist works out well! Hugs and love! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I truly appreciate any words at the moment and staying away from my site gives a false representation of what life with mental illness looks like. I wish I could hide behind the screen and “fake it” but I simply cannot. The further I distance myself from writing, the more lost I feel. Joy, you have been a great support for a long time and I hope to pull out of this quicker than I imagine. It’s been too long since seeking counseling but I have made the appointment and filled out the onboarding paperwork. I am trying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OH Eve I am so glad that my words can touch you! You are so welcome!
        You have taken the steps to getting help and that is so important. You are trying, be proud of that! Look at yourself in the mirror and say “I matter!” for you do, and one step at a time you will get through!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh no!! I’m so sorry you’re unwell!! I have total faith that you can get the right treatment to feel better again!! We’re always here for you, too!! Andyes, I totally think it’s possible to write yourself well!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry you’re not well. I hope the new therapist works out and that you’ll feel better soon. The idea of writing yourself well is an interesting one. I know I blogged while in a really bad place. Did it help me get better? I don’t know. But if it feels right, then by all means, keep on blogging. And if it doesn’t feel right, allow yourself to rest. 🌻❤️🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will not force myself but I do want to properly represent what it is like because it isn’t all pretty, ya know? I have been on the up for soooo long I think it is important that I expose the down – as much as I can without over doing it. If any of that made sense. lol. Thanks, Barb for your support.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think writing certainly helps and can help with the healing journey, from personal experiences. I hope you find it helps you too and that it heals you. That and your therapist will be a good combination.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When I initially began, that was my purpose but in the midst of that healing came what I like to call excitement, mania, and I started chasing everything shiny. Today, I woke with a significantly brighter outlook. I’ll take it no matter the reason behind it. Thanks, Liz for being a part of my support system. I will return the favor sooner than later.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s interesting, I see a clear shift in your writing as you’ve moved into this depressive phase. When you were manic there were misused words and circular sentences that I knew represented your mania rather than your writing ability. But there’s none of that in this post.
    I hope things go well with the new counsellor. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi there, Candace. I believe that all of us that suffer from a mental illness does not choose to be this way, nor want to be this way at all. I seriously believe, and I am speaking for only myself, but Hell, I don’t enjoy being bipolar either. I know that having a mental illness does not define who I am, but it is part of me. There’s no fighting this fact. I am so grateful to be on meds to level me when the manic episodes try to strangle me. Yeah, being on meds has helped me a great deal, I can’t imagine how much worse I would be without them. (Oh, wait, yes I can). It was pure Hell! I still have my highs and lows, but I’m better equipped to handle things, and by that I mean rationally.
    Yes, writing to acquire wellness is a huge contribution to my mental state, and I thank God for all of the mental health community to be a part of my life.
    Sweetie, I’ve noticed over the past months that your manic behavior has peaked. When is the last time you saw your doctor, or have been on medication? I am seriously concerned for you.


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