I had an epiphany the other day when I published Southern Belle from Hell. I even said it in the letter.
If two strangers have the same negative experience with you, you need to check yourself…..
And then I went on to say that I encounter these type of women on a daily basis, in which I do but…
I do not take back nor apologize for what I said in the letter…but what I will do is acknowledge my part.
What the hell am I doing?
Is it the fact that I am manic? (I need to admit that to myself because it is what it is…right?) Today I am too much for people and I can see how. I have been medication free for almost three months so that sounds about right.
Back on my meds again, soon? As much as I hate it, it’s a possibility.
Hold up…do I hate it? If I did I would be curving to the temptations of astigmatism. I do not hate it. I am embracing It.
Sitting with it.
Allowing it to be just as it is.
This is my first time to recognize, better yet, acknowledge the symptoms of my mania.
Everything is overwhelming. My senses are heightened and I feel…discombobulated.
Out of it.
Someone needs me.
I am forgetting something.
My mind races 1,000 mph.
I take things personally.
I am not in my lane.
I am in search of…..
This is when I unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. I am brutally honest, often unapologetically. My truth is being exposed so….fuck it, I’ll expose yours.
Paranoia sets in.
The whispers start. And it isn’t my imagination because they are talking about me. They talk about how I am mean, bossy, and a bitch yet they claim to not judge others or even better, they understand.
I don’t even understand.
I question if I should ride this wave a bit longer. But I know I shouldn’t because it affects everyone. Not just me.
I go to extremes and the fall…
the fall is brutal, puncturing any progress I’ve made along the way. As I rapidly type this, no really you should see my thumbs tapping away, I am putting together the puzzle of my life. My eyes are opening but the question that remains is,
Am I ready to not be this way? It’s all I know but all I am discovering. And all I wish to go away.
You may say, ” you act like you have a choice”.
I think I do and it is others who my mania effects negatively and maybe I am tired of dumbing myself down for them. No one cares that I am sensitive. Nope, all they remember are my words. Their truth.
Having a mental illness is a challenge. Having cooccurring disorders is torcher. The gravitational pull into the abyss is daunting. It glitters, inviting me into its embrace. The familiarity is the bait. The contentment, isolating. Before you know it, a hospital gown with no underwire bra. No drawstring pants. The exciting time of your day is med time.
We are caged.
After some research and sleep, I woke refreshed. There has been a huge shift with the moon. This explains everything. If you have followed R.O.E. for any length of time, you have heard me speak of the moon and the effects it has on me. This type of shift hasn’t happened in 9 years!!.
When I often discuss the way I feel with energy it is referred to as being an empath. I have never really liked calling myself that because it seems to be a trend of sorts. I do my best to stray away from the trends of our society.
Yesterday it was too much too handle. I wasn’t. Feeling what everyone else feels can be a gift but it can also be paralyzing.
I do wonder if I should stop labeling myself as bipolar. What we think, we become and this has always been my belief. Ironically I’ve not ever put it to good use.
I don’t say that because I am in denial. It is the stigmatism attached that is negative and that in itself weighs on me. I understand that not everyone feels to the extremes in which I do but what about that makes me ill? Or disordered?
I am tackling these types of things on a daily basis as I grow in my understanding of who I am. It is a struggle to feel everything but I am realizing that I would rather this than to be medicated. It’s sad that being thrown into a hospital is the solution for those of us who have yet to set interpersonal boundaries for ourselves.
Imagine if you will… You walk into a room and you are technically “happy”. Suddenly you are hit with a sense of anger and confusion. And from there you navigate around the area and begin feeling feelings of sadness and before you know, you’ve jumped back to happy all within a 30-minute time frame. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot. This is what I experience if I do not put up barriers.
I had gotten really good at putting up walls to not allow everything to impact me. Slowly I’ve let them down not remembering why I had initially built them. Now….. I raise them which is much easier said than done.
Although I may not understand what is going on, I am fully aware that my life is shifting. As I reread this it jumps all over the place but there is legit sense to it. I just hope I come out on the better end of things. Kinder to myself and more open to others. Right now the fog that lifts is one of pain. I don’t want to be calloused. I want to love. Starting with myself.
Love you peeps!!