The Words of A Picture

Oh Snap!

oh Snap-Revenge of Eve

So… I took a selfie tonight and I must say, my face has begun to age. I noticed a slight change two years ago but in tonight’s picture, I can see even more aging. I don’t know how I feel about this just yet. I have candidly made comments that I was going to start saving for a facelift.

Growing up everyone said I was a spitt’n image of my dad. I didn’t like that because I thought little girls were supposed to look like their mommas.

Back to the picture…


The features of mine that are aging are the same features in my fathers aging face; meaning that although everyone now says I look like my Ma, I resemble my father more.

What a bummer.

[Maybe that’s why he rejected me. A mirror image will make you do one of two things: change or never look in that mirror again. He chose the latter]

So I can see why I would have plastic surgery. Reconstruct my image to suit the more confident, brave(r) me. I just want a little nip and tuck around my neck area. It is sagging.

Oh, yeah… I haven’t started working on forgiving my dad, yet. I don’t know how you prove emotional abuse but I was emotionally tormented by my father.

I need to put that out there so I can begin healing. I would have rather been raised in his absence. And I have carried around his lies about who I am for far too long.

But.

This will require a counselor.


For accountability

I am saying out loud

I, Candace Lynne, will make an appointment with a therapist by March 1, 2019.


I am ready to get on with my life. See what it has to offer me or better yet, what I have to offer it.

With a nice lift 😉 in my spirits.

More Importantly

Watching my daughter cope with anxiety, that is now showing up physically, has been one of the hardest, eye-opening experiences of my life.

For those of you that are new around these parts, I have one child, a daughter, who will be 17 in two weeks. She is the most respectful, intelligent, compassionate, young lady. Yes, I am biased but she truly displays those characteristics.

She has struggled with performance anxiety ever since kindergarten where she had to dance on stage with a partner in front of the magnet performing arts school, kindergarten parents. She would shake her hands while her arms flailed by her side as if she were shaking off the numbness. Over the years her coping skills remained similar, from shaking her hands to stretching her fingers. Within the past three years, her anxiety has reached an all-time high with her once favorite sport, soccer.

She had her first anxiety attack last Friday at school. Up to Friday and through tonight (Thursday), she hasn’t been doing so well. She got on the field tonight for a brief moment. I know my child and I know she isn’t ok. I am giving her time to process what it is that has gotten her in such an upheaval. Come next Friday, when I get her, she should be ready to talk.

The pressure of her academic courses has increased with two of her classes demanding more time than she has in a day. As a junior in high school, she enrolls in courses receiving college credit. Piled on top of soccer has become too much for her to handle. Instead of quitting, my daughter shows up. She cheers on her team from the bench as I stare at her across the field. She has a muscle in her upper thigh, her I.T. band, that is preventing her from playing. I believe it is her anxiety manifesting itself.

Coming from a parent, it is torcher to watch, heartbreakingly so. There is a helplessness that makes me feel inadequate along with a sense of blame. She struggles because of me. With mental illness having a genetic trait, I fear it’s debilitating wrath.

Needless to say the past two weeks, with my own growing pains, have extended themselves to an emotional roller coaster. We are moving into week three and I desperately need a solution or at least that’s how it feels. This to shall pass.


Have you dealt with mental illness within your family?? Give us some advice. We need it! Share in the comments or chat via email.

Ta-ta ~

25 thoughts on “The Words of A Picture

  1. I Feel for you and your daughter. Having a mental illness, and knowing that your daughter shares some of the same anxiety… It must be heartbreaking.
    My brother has shown signs of mental illness way before I was even diagnosed, and he is 6 years younger than I. However, where I went and sought out help… He remains thinking he is mentally fit.
    Before I was diagnosed with being bipolar, along with other disorders, my mother shared with me that my grandmother was mentally ill. I had absolutely no idea. She and my grandfather were my favorite people in my life. I never saw any signs. She withheld that info because she didn’t want to alter my opinion towards her.
    If anything… I can so relate to my grandmother and what she was going through. She was diagnosed with bipolar way back when too.
    Have you had your daughter meet with a therapist?

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  2. As a teen I played at a very high level, upper division in a few sports. And I remember the times when the pressure would manifest its self physically. I would get lock jaw and chest pain. Muscle tightness. I struggled with the tmj and insomnia all through high school. The best thing I think I could advise is to remember why I played. How much I loved it and how much it helped to connect with my teammates. We weren’t all bff of the court necessarily but we all knew each other very well and counted on each other to keep each other in line, be supportive when we struggled. Lots of team bonding activities really helped. I don’t know if anything of that would help but that was my experience. Sports kept my shit together back then. Make it the outlet not a cause for stress.

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    1. She used to enjoy it until she didn’t.. One day something changed. Her anxiety took over the fun. We originally said that she had to commit all four years to keep her accountable to an extracurricular activity but now we have decided she doesn’t have to play next year however she is running track. I beg her to have fun and just play but the power of her anxiety is winning right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s a bummer. Maybe some time off over simmer and off season without the pressure to return, and running will be the breakthrough. I know many people who run as a therapeutic tool. That could be her jam. Junior year is hard. Everyone planning their future college. Things start to feel really real ya know. Hope you guys can work it out

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, girl, we ain’t got no choice but to work it out. And I have read quite a bit about the benefits of running in relation to mental health, most especially for anxiety. She likes running sprints now but I think she should do distance because she gains speed versus coming out the shoot fast (I hope that makes sense). That’s my outside observation. I never put that type of pressure on myself. Maybe that’s a generational thing and I don’t put that pressure on her either. Her self-motivation is insane. Mine=weak. 🙂😍

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sounds like you’re doing everything. Just be there right? You obviously have a great kid. That’s the best parenting you can do for teens. I’ve surrounded my self with neurotic, brilliant, insane and people my whole life, im all about the passion. And I think struggle is part of the package. Does that make sense? Intensity is intense. Just keep nurturing and encouraging the tools and it’s be alright.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Solid co parenting is great. I really appreciate parents who do that. Even if it takes time, Just working for it and putting the kids first is really meaningful imo. There’s no one way to make a family right.

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      5. I remember what that’s like. Only I was a terrible student and latch key kid. Sports kept my shit together. But for kids who are smart and so self motivated with everything social and academic going for them, that’s lot of pressure.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Basically kids who had to raise themselves. My parents worked and I had to rely on myself to get to school, eat, make practices. Without bus passes and friends, I’d have been stuck. Pretty common back then. Luckily I had Plenty of love and support but just a lot of responsibilities for myself at a very young age.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Also. Lol. I totally understand the lament of the aging face. I hate the way my skin looks up close. And I hate that I care even more! I had to watch a tutorial on how to put eyeshadow on a hooded eyelid. I couldnt figure out why my makeup looked weird. I’m good with makeup. And alas! I needed to reevaluate the whole routine do to age. 🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Even though I’ve taken a mental health first aid course, I still have to deal with my daughter’s anxiety by trial and error. Of course, during a panic attack, the calming tactics I learned come into play. After that, we work on the root cause for the panic attack. Most of the time, it helps to talk through the worst case scenario, and whether it will really destroy her hopes and dreams, or life, in general. Will it matter in a year, in two? We then talk through the other, more likely scenarios, and how to deal with each one. She seems to feel better when there’s a plan, or many plans, in place. I’m by no means an expert, and my daughter has been through much professional counseling, The talks we have are certainly helpful for her.

    Liked by 1 person

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