An inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually going into 2k19
I decided to take inventory of where I stand mentally, financially, and spiritually, giving me something to measure. I suppose I could add emotionally to the mix as well because it plays a vital role in our lives.
My current situation does not reflect any growth from 2018. In fact, it seems that I have gone backward. Originally I was on a 5-year plan. I accomplished all of my goals for four years even though I wasted a year and a half because I was still drinking. 2018 was the 5th year on this plan.
My goal was to be moved out of my mothers home and into a place of my own. While I didn’t necessarily fail at this, it will not be happening. My mother’s health is not in tip-top shape. She has COPD, a hernia, and three ulcers that prevent her from eating certain foods and lifting heavy objects. She doesn’t have health insurance because she makes too much to get government-funded insurance yet not enough to be able to afford health care. She will qualify for Medicaid in two years.
She has been forced to the doctors because of pain and an inability to work but that only made her temporarily well. My fear is that as soon as I move out she will need me to move back in. I help with some of the finances around the house which takes a little off her plate but not nearly enough. She and I decided that it would be best if I stay. I feel that I have failed somewhat because I should be contributing more. It is my plan to give her at least $100 more a month in 2019.
Yes, that is a picture of my actual bank account. Don’t feel sorry for me, it is after Christmas. By the looks of this, I am starting my year off at ground zero which isn’t bad in some instances. I mean, where can I go from here? Only up, right? I keep the majority of my money in little cash envelopes in a drawer in my room but that’s not where my money is. I am broke starting the year off.
From a financial standpoint, I have always made money on a daily basis and have lived to pay my bills this way. In 2018 I accumulated my first ever savings and it totaled a whopping $3,000.00. That is a lot of money for someone who makes $2.15 an hour. It’s crazy the amount of work I do for that hourly rate and the disrespect I put up with for that matter. I do make tips but using yesterday as an example, I had two tables that didn’t tip me and guess what? I pay taxes on my sales reported on my checkout at the end of the shift. Basically, when you do not tip your server, they pay, double. No complaints, I’ve done this for 20+ years. Moving on…
This year is one of being honest with myself and it starts here. I have been being pulled toward being able to define my God. My God. Not the one who has a beard and sports long, wavy hair. The picture of my God is golden and that is as far as I’ve gotten. I also cringe when I hear or see the word God because my account is attached to the organized religion God. Ya know the punishing God who doesn’t allow Baptist’s to dance, the one who condemns people to hell for loving the same sex… I am changing the name God to Her so if you read any post further from here and read me talk about Her, that is what I am referring to.
I know that my God has big things in store for me not by way of money but by way of peace by helping others because that is what my soul has been sent here to do. I do not ever discuss this out of fear that it will scare others away but it is my truth. I have a gift and sense things others don’t and this year I will be tuning into the intuition that I have run from for a long time.
Ok, I’ll admit. I have been off my meds for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly until a few days ago. The culprit is pms. It is common for people who suffer from bipolar, women, to experience terrible pre-menstrual symptoms related to increased levels of estrogen. With that said I felt a familiar enemy rise. Anger.
If you are new to these parts, I have a terrible anger problem that has caused me tremendous anguish and humiliation. Not so much fun when you try your hardest to not let it surface. Anyway, I have since taken one dose of my medication and am lucky it is instant. You ask why I quit taking, well, because I don’t like feeling like a zombie. I have been in a more comatose state on different meds and these aren’t nearly as bad as others but I am wanting to approach my mental health from a more natural perspective. BUT I recognize I probably need to take my medication first and then begin a journey of naturalness later down the road.
Going into 2019 from ground zero gives me ample opportunity to grow as a person, explore my creativity, help others in need, and expand my horizon. I will do so through forgiving eyes and loving heart. I am going to say no and not feel bad about it. Keeping in mind that I do not have to do anything except what advances me and my daughter. I have a tendency to volunteer my time to solve other peoples problems and that isn’t their fault, doing so continues to hold me back from solving my own.
Do an inventory of your situation and share with me in the comments. I would love to hear from you. Chat with me through email if that feels more comfortable.