today-revenge of Eve

Today

Personal Growth & Goals, R.O.E. Need To Know

Sunny Skies

The heat in Louisiana contributes to or is the root of, my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Despite the temperature of 95 degrees, I dread August, I feel the most like myself today, than I have in three months. That’s a lovely feeling.

I appreciate days like today because I hold onto them. I know there is a way to a better position in life and I hope to achieve that within myself. The battle with me must cease soon because it no longer serves a purpose. It’s time I live to love and relax and stop. Pause. That was one of my words for entering 2019 and I’ve derailed but slowly I shall revive myself from the numbness. As only I can.

I give myself permission to lay in bed for the rest of the day and watch a movie or documentary – like I have done the past two days – without feeling guilty!!!

Catch ya on the flip side

Revenge of Eve
revenge of eve-letter143

7.15.19

Personal Growth & Goals

On my two year blogging anniversary I question, “Can I recover?”.

But I will not ruminate on such thought because I am a warrior. I have no choice but to fight for myself. No one else will.

This too shall pass.

And when it does, I have learned and earned my growth.

That day is worth working towards.

Revenge of Eve

So You Know

Mental Health & Recovery

S.Y.K. is Bacccck!

The last two week’s there was no episode of S.Y.K. because, simply, life has been rough around these parts. In order to gain some normalcy, I figured I could start by publishing our favorite series of questions.

I hope you are excited 🙂


So You Know (S.Y.K.)

Is a series of questions meant to bring the reader closer to their favorite bloggers. It’s easy to participate! Follow these simple guidelines:

Publish a post on your site answering this week’s questions.

Create a pingback to this week’s post. Don’t know how? Chat with me and I’ll explain.

Be honest!

See simple, right?


This week’s questions

  1. Do you take a vacation during the summer months? If so, what amount of time do you travel (days, weeks)?
  2. Do you meet up with family or friends at the destination?
  3. What has been your favorite destination spot?
  4. What has been your worst traveling experience?
  5. If you do not travel each summer, what do you do to escape your reality?

I hope that everyone is staying cool this summer. Summer vacation comes to an end in three short weeks and school begins. Time seems to fly by the older I get. My daughter and I are going camping in the upcoming weeks and I can not be more excited. I haven’t got away in two years and the effects of that are showing in my lack of fulfillment.

The increase in my meds is working in spurts so I know I am on the right track. I go for an evaluation next Wednesday with a possible increase. I am bothered by my position in life these days, as you all know, so I am looking for any glimmer of light. Thanks for all the encouraging words you share and thank you for being a source of positivity in my daily reading.

S.Y.K.-Revenge of Eve

July Journal Challenge Update

Creative & Collective

Progress small or large is progress, nonetheless

That’s right folks! I have a few entries completed in my #julyjournalchallenge and today I shall give y’all a peek!! Yay!



Challenge Chat

Before I begin, allow me to refer to the basics of this challenge. Initially, I had planned to create four individual inserts to record, plan, and create in. It just so happened that four wasn’t necessary.

If you haven’t a clue as to what I am talking about, refer to the original post, July Journal Challenge. You will find a more in-depth description.

I created a standard size insert and a passport insert. I then used a store bought calendar insert. This totals three inserts that were used to help me organize and promote creativity in my life. The two I created are my July insert and a writing insert (pictured below). The passport size insert is where I write life’s little synchronicity’s, ah ha moments or things I have tied together as a result of patterned behavior.

Left to right: cover, back cover, inside cover

The July insert is where I have been expressing my creativity and trying new things, exploring my own creativity. The goal in doing so is to build trust in my own ideas and assist in developing my style. Both inserts are being used for the July Journal Challenge prompts (below). The same goes for being used to record specific events that have happened this month.

Left to right: inside cover hidden quote, collage prompt, map pocket page with frame

July Journal Challenge-Revenge of Eve
L to R: Map pocket page draped over a journaling page, hidden journaling page with a tag, prompt completion of letter to self five years from now

When I created the list of prompts, I chose random ideas and typed ’em up. That became apparent the first time I sat down to create. But hey, the only way you learn is by jumping in! And so I did. I think randomness keeps it interesting but I also like to have more of a themed guide. I suppose I will figure it out as I go.

Blurred lines

Passport size writing journal (L to R) cover front, cover back

This month has been a pretty rough one and when that is the case, my focus is zilch, however, I am on an increased dose of the new medication- I start the new mg tomorrow….let’s hope it works. Lord knows I need something because the thoughts in this head have nooooo direction. They begin, the whole plan is thought through and after a nights rest, barely visited again 😞 (sigh). Example: I have 41 draft posts!?!?

top: inside cover with pocket bottom: inside pages using vintage and designer pages

I feel like I may be distancing myself too much from the habit of blogging. Writing is my chosen medium of art. Words do something for me that cannot be explained but I am also trying to explore other avenues of creativity and until I discover my style, I won’t be satisfied. I suppose its like finding your voice as a blogger/writer. Stepping out of my comfort zone is, well, stepping out of my comfort zone but I am enjoying myself. The lack of focus does get to me though. It’s frustrating.

I have so much I want to share but in an effort to keep some focus, I take photos and hope to remember the process so that I can eventually write a shitload of material. And I mean a shitload!! I would literally have content for a year if I went solely off the photos I’ve been snapping over the 14 months of my creative journey. Like probably daily material. I’ll bookmark that idea..lol.

As an addition to my creative skills, I’ve recently taught myself about using a scanner. Like… ok, where the hell was I when this brilliant technology was given to us?? Because ummmm, can you say addicted?!?!? Sheesh! I really have so much going on but the great thing is, it all revolves around paper. So that is a plus for me and y’all because guess what??? I will be having a nice giveaway soon!! Yay…oh, and fingers crossed, some digital products 🙂 but I’m not going to spoil the surprises. Note to self: you should’ve put that in the newsletter you haven’t written in three months – gggrrrr. See! TOO MUCH! Anyone wanna be a virtual life assistant? 😂😂

Relationship Curious-Revenge of Eve

Relationship Curious

Mental Health & Recovery, Personal Growth & Goals

Hardly Ever

It isn’t very often that I have something positive to say about the generation that surrounds my daughter and my only true complaint with them is their lack of work ethic. And to be honest, it isn’t every day that anyone of any age impresses me but today, a nineteen year impressed me.

She’s actually impressed me quite a bit over the last three months but I’d hate for her head to get big and so I stay silent. She also just found out my web address so I won’t go into too much detail 😂 here either. But I had to tell her tonight because what she did, I wish I had the courage to have done most of my life.

Choose you-Revenge of Eve

She chose herself. She saw a toxic person for exactly who he is. This is not to say that he is a bad person. He is, however, detrimental for her growth. This also isn’t to say she won’t give him another chance tomorrow and I would never judge her if she did because I am no judge…but…before I go any further…

A brief snapshot of the situation:

  • Young single mother meets an older guy (10-11 years older) who invites her and her 18-month old son to move in bills free {red flag number one} a month into dating.
  • He talks at her, not to her and his opinions are made known.
  • He shows no affection.
  • Dinner is expected.
  • He encourages her son to disobey her.
  • He claimed to be in recovery yet from a photo, I said otherwise.
  • Last night, it became apparent that he must’ve started using again. {She is familiar with addict behavior because her mother is in active recovery and her dad is an active user of the same drug he claimed to not be on}.

Today, we moved her and her son’s belongings out. At that age or perhaps even my current age, I would make excuses for his behavior or secretly consider it a rescue challenge. I would disregard my intuition and stay because I feel that is the type of treatment I deserve. It’s the same toxic pattern that I have repeated in every single relationship I have had – which isn’t many but nonetheless, toxic. From there a stronger attachment is formed (feeding my ego it’s favorite meal…power) because they need me and I must prove so by providing shelter and other luxury accommodations. The given moment my temper flares, I flex my muscles (not literally y’all), tell them to get out and continue to beat a dead horse until it’s decomposed. Fun, right?

If you are lost, I’ll spell it out: I peep his game because I am the club president.

“I’m not only a client, I’m tha play’a President”

Biggie Smalls

I used to think it was them but as I’ve grown, I’ve began to notice my participation in the dance of deceit. And believe me when I say the men in my life that have got the best of me, they were my karma – I strongly believe that and that would attribute to my staying at times. But the joke was on me because, once again with that thought, proves I believed I held the power.

I must also acknowledge myself for being able to confront the patterns and behaviors that aren’t the most glamourous. Now I must move on to the action part.

Awareness, first. Action, second.

Now that I have identified this despicable pattern of weaved yarn, I must take action to not repeat it anymore. 34 years is plenty. That would require leaving the house. Better yet, my studio and I’m not sure what I’d do next with a guy – like how to have a conversation, how to believe them, how to accept their flaws…ugh…definitely not relationship ready but what if I am approaching relationship curious ??

Not An Option

Mental Health & Recovery

An option or not?

Losing hope isn’t an option and yet it seems to be the first I let go of. I am worn out from trying to stay afloat. Complaining with no action is pity and that is where I am. I can’t seem to do anything about this phase and yet I am resisting it with all my might. I’m tired. Tired of bitching, tired of crying, tired of…life. My body is exhausted and my mind; blank. I do not know what to do next. I try to not focus on the shit storm that is my existence and yet that’s it. I vaguely remember my summers being this way but I have also been on antidepressants so maybe they haven’t been as bad as this. So, I am on day two of my antidepressants – again.

I have never minded taking them. It was the antipsychotic I wanted to quit and somehow ceased taking the antidepressant along the way. My sister has moved in and while I love her a ton, I’m not excited because it displaces my daughter from her room. She isn’t here that much but it takes away her personal space and she isn’t happy about it, to say the least. I’ve been trying to prepare her for this day but really how can one prepare for it? She will have her own space but it is a work in progress. I have done nothing in regards to help making her a space of her own because I physically cannot at this point because…fuck, I can’t. I’m broke.

I am sitting in my designated studio space and it is the first time I have sat here in a week or so. Sure I’ve sat here but immediately I get up. I have no inspiration. I want to create to release whatever this pain is but instead I get up. What bothers me the most at this point is that I have nothing of value to write about. I feel like Debbie Downer and I don’t like putting depressing shit out into the universe but it is my reality and if I only put out Polly Positivity, I’d be lying.

Shortly after typing the above paragraphs I laid down and slept…more. I guess I need it. It’s all I want to do and the last thing I want to do. My body feels like it is shutting down without my permission. People have a hard time believing our mental health affects our physical state but I am living proof that it most certainly does.

I am going to try and put out an S.Y.K. tomorrow but I have two appointments and Kid so no promises. I will reach out and ask that y’all keep me in your thoughts and thank you for any good, positive vibrations you can send my way. I need them. I will drink me some water and hang on for tomorrow. Let’s hope that gets me through because giving up is not an option.

Drowning, Differently

Mental Health & Recovery

Do Different!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. And so…, today, I did different. Not – I wanted to do different but I DID differently.

Having a morning routine is something I have wanted to give a go for about a year now and this morning, I had a tech-free morning that included writing my thoughts, indexing my day, and meditating. How amazing is that?!?!

Last night we had a total solar eclipse and it was a new moon. Tapping into my “energy life”, I have researched the energy of the moon. From as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to the night sky. The moon and stars heal my being like the ocean does for some. Give me a blanket, surrounded by trees and a sky lit with the moon and stars and I am a happy girl. I figure there has to be more to it than that and so I Googled.

Do Different- Revenge of Eve

I have kept pretty quiet about my findings because I’m not particularly looking for opinions on the matter but I must say, me and the moon…we are close pals. I have now done a full moon ritual (last month) and last night I did my first new moon ritual. No, it isn’t witchcraft. It involves setting intentions and releasing things that no longer serve you – oh, and using sage to clear the air.

I drop that tidbit of info because it is something new I am doing and what’s the point in introducing new into my life if my routines and daily habits remain the same?? I’ll answer that for you – there is no point!!

Whatever it is that you do or believe or…yeah, whatever you do…it is the intention behind what you are doing and the follow up behind the intention that makes the difference. And allow you to claim your sanity as a bonus.

Today felt significantly lighter for me. I realize I have been quiet lately and I even skipped out on S.Y.K. this week, my apologies. To ease any worries, it is because I am processing a ton of…well, bullshit. Bullshit that I do not have a clue of what exactly it is I am dealing with. This phase has been difficult but I am trying my damnedest to respond kindly to myself – even if all that is, is tears, lots and lots of tears. I thought I was emerging but I am afraid I am barely hanging on some days. I am experiencing changes that I didn’t prepare for and even more weird, I don’t even know what changes I am talking about BUT I do know some things are changing within me and around me.

I know this too shall pass and I suppose it is the immediate gratification receptors that want it to pass now but I also know good things take time. I feel as though this transition began in 2017 and I am working diligently for things to smooth out. All I have is time. As much as I know all of this, I feel as though I am drowning, differently.


Published a day after written