An Update

Currently

I have entered a phase in my blogging career that I have not dealt with. Writing a post feels forced. It hasn’t come naturally in the last two weeks.


Since purchasing my domain I have been trying to develop, more or less, my writer’s voice. In relation to my most well-received posts, it is my personal posts that I receive the most responses. I attribute this to my loyal followers that share a genuine concern about my well being.

When I refer to developing my voice I am speaking in terms of not using the word I and also offering solutions to my reader’s problems. The only problem I am finding is my own. The one where I do not have a solution for others rather advice on what not to do.

This has brought me to a crossroad. 2019 is the year I discover who I am and I am finding blogging, in a form other than personal, is conflicting with my discovery. I find myself putting unnecessary pressure to present my material in a way that isn’t true to my style.

How ironic is that? While trying to love myself I continue trying to not be myself. It is showing up in different areas of my life. I read this great article that allowed me to see that while we may be focusing on one thing we may, in fact, be doing the opposite of that and become worse at it. Once I read this I completely related. To all of it.

I made it a point to not set any blogging goals for the year and as a way of distraction, I am trying to take on a new voice. That’s terrible and I am so glad I caught it when I did. Other things besides the rejection have shown up recently. I’m sure once those come full circle I will share.

I made it through a trying time of self-doubt and comparison and I have no doubt I will make it through this phase. I am happy to have been shown and more happy to have been open to receiving. I had no idea that all I asked for would just magically appear. The signs are there and it is up to me to pay attention. I will never improve if I do not seek the lesson in my pain.

Once again I do not know where to start but I will start by adding this to my list of things to work through with a counselor. I can easily be distracted by the problems of others but in 2019 I won’t be having it. All I want is to be a better person, whole and proud.

I have many great topics that I want to discuss but I am adding them to a list as well for a time when I can dedicate to doing them justice.

This weekend was a rough one with my daughter. She experienced her first full-on panic attack, at school. Immediately my protective nature kicked and I became offended because she didn’t contact me.

While I want to be there for her I am learning that unlike me, she has developed her coping skills. The sad truth is, she is more emotionally mature than I am. I am not ashamed of that. That’s life. Our life. We argued a little as teenage girls and their mother (who act like a teenager) do. I’m working on that too! One at a time! 😂

Something I am trying to do differently is to be easier on myself. I’ve shared that I internalize criticism and hold on to things said in an unhealthy manner. This leads to toxic self-talk which gets me nowhere. The idea that perfection exists is slowly but surely being smashed as I breeze through my days. Some days are better than others but for the most part, I have turned to laughter when I make a mistake. I laugh at myself and evaluate where I can make a change.

I find I need to set up a more organized system for this journey of self-discovery. My lists are in whichever notebook I can find at the moment. I will take today and use it to bring any list together and find them a home in one place. The year is only in its first month and I haven’t fallen behind on any task but getting a grip on any organizing will benefit me in the long run.

My main goal this week is to have a photo shoot with the products I have ready for sale. That was supposed to happen Saturday but due to a scheduling conflict, it didn’t happen. That about rounds it up. My life update in a pretty red bow. Do you have any go-to remedies when you feel as though you have nothing worthy of sharing? Do you laugh at your mistakes instead of beating yourself up? Am I doing anything right?


Let’s chat in the comments. I am taking any and all suggestions on how I can improve this self-discovery journey. Any books you would suggest that had life-changing effects, drop ’em in the comments.

2019: Week Challenge Week 3

Hey, Hey! I hope this post finds you all doing well. I had an interesting week, to say the least. Laying low more than normal and I am ight with that. How about you? Busy, lazy, peaceful??? I will share about my week in a post following this one. Make sure to check it out 🙂

Last week’s list wasn’t my favorite which left me with a blah list. I have a routine and because I am ocd, I love it, all of it. Yes, at the moment, I do not like it at all (my schedule is changing with my life) but it is becoming more and more apparent that I need to change it up. I will.

But on to this week’s list… Lol


52 Lists for Happiness

2019 Challenge-Revenge of Eve
Join us? You can catch the first list and second list

List the things that you are really good at

Take action: Underline the things that you had to work for to become good at it, and circle the things you feel come naturally to you. Do any of these things overlap? Just like happiness, it’s already within you. It just takes practice to experience daily.

Follow the following if you decide to create a post about making your list.

  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

The take action part of this week’s list caught my attention. I don’t generally consider myself good at much but there are a few things I can come up with. It will be neat to see if they intersect or overlap. And which I feel I am a natural at or required practice. Hmmmm We’ll see what I come up with. If you join in, share with me or not. If this isn’t something you enjoy doing I understand sitting this one out. But it’s going on for a year so you may find you’d like to join in. Do not rule it out! 😉

I haven’t said this in a while but Thank you for being a wonderful community of support and encouragement. I am not nearly as active as I have been for the last 18 months but I still know who my loyal followers are and your presence in my life means a lot. I realize the importance of stepping away and looking out for myself and I know you welcome me back any time with open arms so again, THANK YOU.

Chow,

Who is Candace Lynne??

Evaluating Friendships

It is a new year and with that comes change.  We organize our life, set goals and lose the weight but what about our friendships?  Our relationships impact and influence our direction in life. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.  But are you in the flock with your friends?

Let’s face it, if you made the decision to go vegan in 2019 it will not help that each time you go to dinner at your best friend’s house she is serving wild game.  So while we are clearing out the energy for new beginnings, let’s evaluate our friendships to decide which box they go in.

Is it ever ok to interject?

Having relationships is the key to human growth.  We learn from each other, lean on each other, and love one another.  Experiencing life with someone encapsulates what it means to be human.  It is a connection that we most naturally desire, being a part of, belonging.

In our relationships, it is a priority to set personal boundaries.  These boundaries are allowed to vary on an individual basis.

Candace Lynne

Boundaries are two things:

  1. Respect
  2. Necessary

We have all experienced the loss of friendship and while some were easy to let go of, others not as much.  Through sadness, grief, birthdays and milestones our bonds are strengthened or in the absences of, lessened.  Respect is the utmost pedestal compliment you can ever receive or give in a friendship.

You will find that in this post I use the terms relationship and friendship interchangeably and that is because they are one and the same.  A friendship is a relationship in our lives that requires maintenance. In relationships, we have a role, to recognize this is a guarantee for a healthy, long-lasting friendship.

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Individual Opinions & Sharing

The heading of this post was a foreshadowing to this section.  This section is interactive and presents questions that we may ask ourselves in order to determine, is it ever ok to interject your opinion.  I encourage using the comment section to discuss what you came up with.

Most of us, especially women, have been in the classic situation of giving friendly advice when we see that our friend is in a toxic relationship.  This is assuming he or she came to you with a problem and asked for help in finding a solution.

  1. Do you point out the obvious?  That regardless of this isolated incident, the relationship is doom for failure?
  2. Do you dig up past events that are similar to this situation and point out patterns?
  3. Do you listen and let your friend work it out on their own with your guidance?
  4. Do you make excuses regardless of right or wrong in defense of your friend?
  5. Do you stay out of it?

In my personal experience, this has been a challenge for me.  A true struggle. Regardless of my friend’s attachment or feelings, I have let loose with my observations and it has caused a strain in my friendships.  After years of practice, I came to the conclusion that my friends are going to do whatever they want to do. It is best that I keep my opinions to myself even if I have been asked.  This seems to be the safest way of respecting their decisions but also allowing them a space to vent without judgment.

Of course, it goes to say that there are a million scenarios, some more serious than others.  How do you know when to intervene? Here is my view: the only time you have the right to step in is when there are children involved.  If the children are being physically abused, neglected or suffering any type of abuse, you as an adult speak on behalf of the child involved. First, confront your friend and from there get the authorities involved.  Who cares if you lose a friend at that point. The damage being done to the child can end with you. You cannot assume the child is in danger you must be 100% sure they are unsafe before reporting.

What if your friend is being physically abused?  You listen. You drop clues for counseling. Invite them to educate themselves on the forms of abuse.  Whatever you do, do not get in the middle of it. They will choose the abusive relationship over the friendship every single time.  In order to respect your own boundaries, you may have to walk away from the friendship until they get out of the abusive relationship.  This does not guarantee they will leave but it is necessary you govern your boundaries.

Are you still wondering when you interject?  You don’t! If it is something you cannot tolerate, you walk away.


Quality of Friendship

Is your friendship healthy or toxic?  How do you determine?

Below are qualities seen in a healthy friendship

  • Supportive of decisions
  • Accepting of each other’s faults
  • Do not judge one another
  • Encourages growth
  • Defend each other’s character
  • Does not gossip about the other
  • Gives honest feedback
  • Loyal
  • Respectful of boundaries
  • Honest
  • Dependable/ Reliable
  • Trustworthy
  • Open communication

As you can imagine, toxic friendships offer the opposite qualities.  Toxic friendships can be obvious to some yet hidden to others. We may not realize that it is our closest and longest friendship that are holding us back.  Limiting beliefs, fear of judgment and unadvised opinions can dictate a bond that needs to be severed.

A good way to know if you have a toxic friend is by writing down how they react to certain situations.  Are they the nagging reminder of a failed project? When you achieve a goal, are they there to celebrate?  Have you ever been at lunch with this particular friend and gone into the bathroom to find a piece of black pepper in your teeth?  That is a sure way of knowing if they are for you or in competition with you.

Evaluating Friendships-Revenge of Eve

Letting go

Easier said than done but letting go of a few friendships will do you no harm.  How much you want to bet they barely notice? That is what is sad. Many people claim to be your friend in the company of others yet they do not call, make lunch dates, or even text.  

By no means am I the perfect example of a friend.  I allow physical distance to separate me from them and once I arrive at home, I do me.  My friends and I designated Thursdays as our hang out day. We did really well the first month and after that, it has been hit or miss.  Luckily we see each other at work but if it wasn’t for work I’m not sure how often we would see each other. 

In 2018, after a year of distance, I had to let go of my lifelong best friend not because of me but because of her.  She refuses to seek mental health assistance and I made the toughest decision ever.  I separated from her and in doing so I realized it was me who kept our friendship alive.  Her selfishness had reached its apex and I, although sad, have felt relief.


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The thing is is that we each have our own lives but it is important to set aside time for those in your life who truly matter.  Because if they were to die tomorrow, you would regret not doing so. Death is the only certain in life.  Do yourself a favor and evaluate your friendships and say goodbye to those that no longer serve a purpose in your life.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

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Revenge of Eve

Operations:

As you may be aware, blogging can cost money. Dedicating myself to operating a blog has increased my life’s value. At least I believe so. I now spend my free time researching and creating instead of floating around. If you like what I bring to you, you can support my efforts in a variety of ways.

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Another way of donating would be through purchasing craft supplies or gift cards with a balance of your choice. You can contact me and I will give you my address. I accept any vintage papers, lace, glitter, cardboard material, cardstock, patterned paper, glue, double-sided tape, watercolor paint, acrylic paint, vintage books… The list is pretty limitless.

I have had a blogger donate using her Amazon credit and because she lives in Canada and I in the United States, doing it this way was genius.

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Handmade Purchases

I offer handmade memory keeping journals, inserts for traveler’s notebooks (any size) with vintage paper, tiny bottles of glitter or with a scroll (to hang from a necklace or a charm bracelet), flip books, server books (coming soon), postcards with collaging, and collaged pieces. Each varies in price.

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Any unused household keys. I paint them and add jewels to them. I will include these in my packaging. As many as you have that do not use, I will take. Any size, any color, old, new, beat up, etc.

Contact me and I will give you my address for shipping.

2019: 52 Week Challenge Week Two

Hey ladies and gents. I am looking forward to change weeks and let last week go! It was a rough one for me. I hope everything went well for all of you.

Week Two- Revenge of Eve

If you are just joining us, you have made it in perfect time. We are only on week two! What is the challenge? Well as part of my learning to love myself process, I purchased a book that is guided and geared towards finding your happiness through lists. Now I know that happiness is fleeting and it will take much more than creating lists to find it, But I am hopeful that every little bit helps.


Week Two- Revenge of Eve

52 Week Challenge: Week Two

List the routines in your personal life and work

Take Action: Circle all of the routines that bring you joy, and cross out all the routines you dislike. What is it about the circled routines that bring you joy?


  1. First and foremost credit the author of the book: Moorea Seal because legally, you have to and morally because you don’t wanna be a shitty person. Her work is copyright
  2. Link to the beautiful post I publish each week Don’t know how? Ask and I will explain. Invite your friends. Let’s have happy feeds in 2019. Can you imagine the mental health community…happy? It would be a beautiful thing. Why? because we fuck’n deserve it.
  3. Use the hashtag #52HappyLists and #achallengeforhappiness, please
  4. And last but not least…. enjoy this challenge. Integrate it into your life. Allow it to make small changes in your day, welcome it. We are worth it ya’ll and that is what I have come to know in my heart. Every one of us is worthy, including me.

Last week we were instructed to list the things that make us happy, right now. In the beginning of the week I had very few listed. As I went throughout my week I began to notice things that made me smile. I would go back to my list and add them, giving me a total of 14 things that make me happy.

  • Writing/blogging
  • collecting paper
  • Kid’s smile
  • Stickers
  • my site
  • shopping
  • creating artwork
  • watercolor painting
  • mobility
  • sunshine
  • dreaming
  • music
  • J baby, my pup
  • My niece and nephew
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Communication. A Learning Curve in Personal Growth

Raw Emotion

When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.

As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.

I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.

Rejection & Reason

We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accussitory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.

I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.

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Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive agressive side of who I am.

Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apoligized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.

I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.


A New Dawn

Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.

Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.


The Rainbow after the Storm

I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.

Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation

If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂

P.S.

As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning. If you are here to judge me, GET A LIFE!

A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.
A Love Affair with Rejection-Revenge of Eve
But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

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Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.
One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

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Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you:

The topic of rejection is a hard one for me to approach and I am not sure I did any justice but perhaps sharing my story will open up the conversation. The feeling I associate with rejection is humiliation. This has branched out into many areas of my life. I do not like to be the center of attention or have attention drawn to me. The level of discomfort rates high on any scale. Another thing that I would like to mention is that while in and out of institutions and rehab facilities my counselors would refer to me as having abandonment issues and I did not relate to that anywhere on the spectrum and one day it just clicked, I am in a twisted, self-sabotaging love affair with rejection.
Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve